Dwindling friendships

[elepant]

Didn’t know where to put this so hope this works in this topic.

I hardly have any good friends left. Is it my (middle age) time of life? A natural occurrence and totally normal? Or not? Is it me? Am I unlikeable?

It’s not that they have all left me. I have distanced myself from some as I can see we’ve grown apart and I don’t feel the way I used to about them.

I’m less tolerant of certain behaviour that I used to be. I’m no longer interested in people pleasing.

But I’m lonely. I can’t believe I’ve gone from having lots of lovely friends to
so few. Feel really sad about it.

So sorry OP, I can understand why you feel sad, we get older, look back and compare now to then.
For me personally I’m less tolerant than I was a few years ago. We moved to a new area five years ago and made new friends. We welcomed them all at our summer bbq’s, NYE parties, birthday parties, dinner parties etc. one couple in particular we got close with would come round regularly for meals and drinks, 3 years down the line and it still wasn’t reciprocated so we backed off. It’s not a case of ‘well it’s their turn now’, I just think there should be balance, but it was all take and no give.
We asked them once if they could water our hanging baskets whilst we went on a long weekend break, they agreed, but we came back to find the baskets wilted almost dead. They had made no attempt to water them.
We have found out who our friends are and have a lovely well balanced relationship with them, better to have a couple of close friends than dozens of fair weather friends.

I miss the pre digital times when people used to call up for a proper chat, now it’s like all texts/ social media and it’s not the same. Maybe it’s just me but I hardly ever get voice calls, and if I did I would think it was some kind of personal emergency.

If anyone's found the secret to making proper friends (not just friendly people you see at a hobby group or class) when you're late middle age or beyond, I'd love to hear it.

Our close friends almost all moved away for jobs in their late 30s/40s, and despite attending classes and volunteering and all the things people suggest, I've not made a proper close friend since my 40s, and I'm pretty sad about it.

Really good friends are made in one's youth, I find. They're the ones you have shared history with, and bonds made back then are the ones that stick. I have friendly acquaintances, but that's it, apart from just one couple who stayed local, from that original group of friends.

@saltnvinegarhulahoops We used to have a dog. Didn’t get invited by anyone to dog walk with them let alone be their best buddy.

I read a post on X yesterday which said "I no longer have a best friend, just people who are sometimes available " and sadly that's very true for many people.

Friendship take effort

I really don’t think it’s a natural state to be alone all the time and happy with that. We are by nature designed to live in groups.

It is hard to make friends in mid life particularly with people with partners and kids. I think people get quite insular and spend all their time with just the people they live with, which isn't the greatest idea (and takes us further and further away from the old concept of community), but it was solidified during Covid when that was all you had. Covid also made us used to things that had been planned not actually happening, I think this led to more general flakiness where even if you had clearly committed to something, you could just slack it off if you didn't actually fancy it.

But I get it, a family takes a lot of energy and investment.

Friendships are similar to relationships in that there are people I'd like to be friends with who aren't really into me, and likewise me with others. As with relationships, anyone can find a partner (friend) if you're not too fussy.

I think it's hard to move from acquaintances who get on well to an actual friendship. But I am reasonably happy with lots of acquaintances I like. I like having a variety of people to talk to, and of lots of different ages (my youngest friend is twenty years younger than me and my oldest is twenty years older). I think as we age nourishing relationships can be found in all sorts of places, whereas when I was younger I was probably looking for people just like me. I think it's a bit of a numbers game too, as it's hard you have to keep all options open and socialise widely and keep an open mind. Research says that any kind of interaction during the day is good for your health.

Love my own company, this isn’t about me being unhappy. I can have the best time going for a walk/run/cycle/coffee etc by myself.

I think tech has a lot to do with it now that I’m thinking about it. I hate tech but like most people, I can’t let it go. Hence I’m here. But I still hate it. Yet I’m addicted to it.

and I’m even more afraid for my kids.

I’ve made good friends in my 40s and 50s, but I didn’t ever expect not to. I find some people’s attitudes on here (that you’ve somehow missed the boat if you don’t make friends when much younger) quite weird and fixed. I don’t think there’s any particular secret. I’m not particularly outgoing. I’d describe myself as a socially-confident introvert — I love socialising and my friendships are very important me, but I need a lot of alone time to balance. I’ve made friends at work, friends of friends, parents of DS’s friends from primary, people I’ve met volunteering or at festivals. One of my closest new friends I met sheltering under a tree in a sudden thunderstorm.

I’ve one school friend I’m still friendly with. I hardly had any school-friends though! Most of our friends came from living with other young people post university and me leaving home. Dh still has some uni acquaintances we see once a year. I’m not sure we will make new friends now. We don’t seem to have the same hobbies or interests as others we meet.

This, exactly. I would be quite content if it were not for the fact my DH has a number of LTC and is unlikely to make old bones. I am happy with acquaintances whilst I have him plus some very good old friends who are now long distance but with whom I'm in regular contact on WhatsApp. But realistically, I am likely to end up on my own and I don't think the acquaintances will fill the gap. I'm working hard to consolidate the acquaintances but really close friends, like life partners, do not always materialise from these more superficial connections.

@Bobbisocks my best friend and her husband retired abroad. We WhatsApp call every couple of weeks and as she lives in Europe I visit her about once a year. When we get together it’s like she has never been away. With so many ways to contact people now it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a friendship

@elepant could it be because you got caught up in other stuff? As we get older we’re more sure of ourselves, the last fuck tends to leave the building, we’re not seeking peers/tribes as much and maybe you thought: I got this now, don’t really need someone to try outfits with, everybody has got problems, why should I bore someone else with mine etc.
In middle age we’re ‘supposed’ to have sussed this shit out.
What forges close relationships is vulnerability, common interests, being in the same boat, right? Involves a degree of intimacy with a total stranger. Understandably, we prefer to have a polite cup of coffee talking about nice things as opposed to making a call: I’m at the hospital with my kid, can you bring us XYZ. We don’t want to ‘impose’. But that’s what close friendships are.

It might be that we’re at that stage in life where we don’t need to impose. Or at that stage where our sack of problems is so full, we don’t have space for other people’s. Or because we’ve been trying for so long to get our shit together, we finally got there and enjoying the peace that brings us.

But that makes us insular, and I think we’re coming to the age where we realise what’s actually important: meaningful human connections.

Absolutely. My DH appears to be in good health, but I’m very aware that life can throw curveballs so I also want a good ‘tribe’, particularly if he outlives me. I’m also acutely aware that acquaintances and voluntary work won’t fill the gap. I too am doing my best to consolidate acquaintances and widen my circle. It’s not easy though. This probably sounds really sad but I have already investigated retirement villages etc,

No I don't think it's a you problem. My partner when we were in the early years of our relationship we used meet up most summer weekends with our group of friends and get smashed and I don't miss that aspect of everyone having drifted apart! That all started to fizzle out about 18 years ago. We used to meet at the houses at one of the couples who always wanted throw a BBQ but they'd be half cut by the time we got there and we never used to get any food and they used to ply us with drink so it always got messy.

That particular couple were reckless drinkers and the guy ended up in prison once for affray whilst drunk so we all pulled away from them.

My partner and I were both moved from the towns where we grew up by our parents so we don't have the long lasting friendships that baby have had since school.etc.

One couple we are close friends with now live and hour away so we get together for a night out a couple of times a year - train tickets, nights out and hotels are an expensive thing these days to do very often.

Lots of things make friendships drift though, our friend all had kids which my partner and I didn't, we built our careers also which inevitably made us the couple with the most disposable cash so we have the bigger house and our passion is travelling so it just makes people change towards you - my partner did tell me that he saw one of his few friends change towards him as he got financially more comfortable - this guy would often query what my partner and I earnt. They still meet up a few times a year for a few beers.

Thing is there's a lot of other horrible things in this day and age in our country which polarise people - Brexit! It's ok your friend who isn't that into traveling or wanting to retire overseas telling how much he loves Brexit but he's just voted to make life harder for us who do travel and who do want to retire overseas! There's also that element of friends being obsessed with immigrants, far right politicians, conspiracies, anti vaccine or not etc - that has had a massive effect on so many friend and family relationships sadly!

This has really resonated with me. I’m definitely a facilitator (so is my other half!)
Approaching 50 now and have suddenly got tired of it. The shift has caused quite a lot of bafflement amongst my friends and colleagues!

I stopped organising group things but then nobody did it. Friendship is two way though. Meeting a friend tomorrow. I find it annoying you say can do these dates then no reply!! I just give up. Im 50s

I'm much older than you and my situation sounds very similar, I'm good at being sociable but don't form deep friendships any longer. I'm also far less tolerant than when I was younger and have given up friendships with a few very good friends over the years because I just didn't want them as friends any longer.

I do sometimes think about it but it doesn't worry me, though I wonder if I will feel the same when I am living alone in very old age.

@FlyMeSomewhere Thankfully most of the people we do still see are not right wing. We would not be friends with anyone where we didn’t align politically at some point. We are backing away from being facilitators.

I've been ill this week - some kind of virus. A friend contacted me this morning to see if I wanted to meet up. When I explained I was ill she relied "ok". Nothing else (this was all on text). I mentioned upthread that someone recently described their friends as "people who are sometimes available" and I'm questioning my friendship with this woman, who cant even say "get better soon". What exactly is this friendship for?

@Mary46 Our issue is that group events are now in hotels I don’t want to stay in and at restaurants I don’t want to eat in. I end up spending money and I resent it.

My “friend” is like this too, it’s why I feel like I have no friends. There is never a “how are you?” Or “feel better”, no interest or care at all.

But from one stranger to another on the internet - I hope you feel better soon 💐

Likewise, I'm fairly right-of-centre but don't usually discuss politics, but I got tired of a very vocal left-wing friend who was incredibly judgemental and opinionated.

@catlovingdoctor Those types haven’t ever been our friends either. We are a bit middle of the road!