Dwindling friendships

[elepant]

Didn’t know where to put this so hope this works in this topic.

I hardly have any good friends left. Is it my (middle age) time of life? A natural occurrence and totally normal? Or not? Is it me? Am I unlikeable?

It’s not that they have all left me. I have distanced myself from some as I can see we’ve grown apart and I don’t feel the way I used to about them.

I’m less tolerant of certain behaviour that I used to be. I’m no longer interested in people pleasing.

But I’m lonely. I can’t believe I’ve gone from having lots of lovely friends to
so few. Feel really sad about it.

Also I have found that when I have done these things very few people thank me or offer to do it next time.

I hear you.

Friends who I considered very close I now see maybe 3-4 times a year. I think they've made new friends through work and their DC and I've just moved down the list of priorities. I've worked very hard at making new friends and have, but I'm not their "priority" friends, if you know what I mean.

she was horrified at the idea of doing what she asking me to do!

Yeh, strange how they can't see the unfairness of that. If you want to see a friend who lives some distance away either you go to them, they come to you or you meet in the middle. Preferably, take turns.
I have an old friend who lives in the States but comes to the UK every year. I have met up with them on occasion, fitting into their schedule and it's not always cheap or easy. They have never been to see me where I live but keep berating me about how I should go and visit them. I eventually pointed out that they couldn't be having a go at me when they made no effort for me. It's gone a bit quiet....

Yes smettings has be two way efforts I think. Our mums app has fizzled out as nobody wants plan anything. 5 us. Same ones too doing it. Friendships can be weird

@smettings good for you. Friendship is a two way street.

@angela1952 that's so rude having you organise a trip then all dropping out.

Yeah exactly @smettings well done for calling it out. The double standards is pretty shocking!

The thing is I’m often happy to visit friends who live at a distance away even if they can’t/wont return the visit as I love traveling to new towns and countries, but it just baffles me when they feel entitled to have you travel to them, despite them not traveling to you.

I had a friend I went to stay with in US a few months ago go all quiet on me when I said I couldn’t show them around Edinburgh this summer . I Iive 5 hours away in England 😆 and they know that!

OTOH I have a friend from the US who visited London earlier this year and I travelled two hours to see her there . Later this year she is visiting again and will be coming up north to see me. She actually wanted to the first time as well but I suggested she spent the limited time she had in the UK enjoying London as it was her first time in the UK and I felt she would enjoy London the most!

Also had another friend from the US who did a stopover near me a while back to visit my nearest city when she came to the UK recently. She even offered to come to my town. I have visited both of them in their respective US states too.

Some people get it! Here’s to friends that make an effort and don’t demand more than they can give 🥂

Yes, I was upset as I didn't often get the chance to go away (four children) but they had no children so didn't appreciate this I don't think. I tried not to show it, they didn't really know what it meant to me.

Well low self esteem isn't something you can just snap out of with a bit of self reflection.

My daughters are adopted. Terrible things happened to them. They have struggled academically and with their health. Yes they both have low self esteem. But this is a sorrow, not a behaviour they can choose to change. They have both had loads of therapy btw. If only it were that easy.

That sucks @angela1952 . I don’t have kids but I’d still be upset if that happened. I remember inviting 4 friends down to London for my birthday the first year I moved down. I made lots of plans for things to do. And one by one they all cancelled except one. I was grateful for that one who came.

Even worse! I hope you have better friends now?

i would never have considered going away with people from work. Just think they are more an invite to lunch at most. You tend not to choose work mates, they are just there: chosen by others.

I have high enough self esteem and skills to host people. As do my “friends” who don’t.

I've often made good long-term friends at work, as have many people I know. I suppose it depends where you work.

@angela1952 2 of my closest friends were made at work.

Work friends move away, get promotion etc. They can be transient. Plus it’s work.

Each to their own, it depends on the workplace for me, but I’ve had the same experience as @angela1952 I’ve made a number of good friends from a couple of jobs I left pre-2015.

We are no longer “forced” together in an office but all these years later we still choose to keep in touch.

It doesn’t matter to us that I’ve moved to a different city (was even abroad at one point) and most of us have left the previous roles where we first met. We are still good mates who are in each others lives.

I haven’t been abroad with any of them, but I have traveled within the UK with a couple of them for weekend trips and been over for dinner etc.

I met some lovely people through work 1997! Still see her. But sometimes you just have office in common and once you leave.. friendships def take efforts now but def finding people dont make effort. Think life so busy now too. Then friends drift off

@Yazooooo You aren’t really the subject of this thread then! You are still mates in touch with each other. My work colleagues are definitely long gone.

What do you mean “I’m not the subject of this thread”? Yep, and neither are you.

A poster said her work friends bailed on her, then I was responding to your comments saying (to paraphrase ) you wouldn’t think of going away with work friends.

The same poster who had the work story and others said they had indeed made good friends from work in the past. And I was chiming in with that to share my experiences too.

What’s the issue? It’s a discussion about friendships and I was giving my experiences and opinions - as were others, including you about friendships.

I never said everyone has to be friends with work friends or it always works out. I just said it can work out. That’s it.

@elepant I think unfortunately people are so wrapped up with kids and partners that they just forget the importance of nurturing friendships. But if you really want better friends, you make it happen. For me, if I feel a good click, I make a big effort to make that relationship work. So there are a few school mums who I've tried to see outside ie an evening out even though its really hard for me as a single parent. Same for work but here I've done things like buying a gift for their baby or a proper thank you. If i want that person in my life, i make it happen. You have to seek out the right genuine people, dump the ones that drain you, and build a network. Now as a single person again, I appreciate that I have this network of support even if im hurting inside.

@Yazooooo It’s about losing friends, not keeping them - or so I thought. You have kept yours. The rest of us have been talking about how we have lost them. I’ve had friends at work but they have been transient. We do have a few from house shares years ago whilst working, but not work colleagues. The difficulty arises when friends move away and our lives diverge. If that didn’t happen to you, great.

@TizerorFizz op shared her own experience of dwindling friendships and asked if it was normal etc, thus clearly opening up a discussion as in usual on MN. They never stated we must post exclusively about having a similar experience as them.

Also at least 3 other posters said a similar thing as me about having retained good work friendships.

But FWIW I’ve also posted upthread about my experiences of friendships which have fallen away and the friends who haven’t matched my effort etc .

Yes hard when nobody meets or wants to. Im just keeping busy now no point chasing. My friend at work said same nobody makes effort now! If you have good friends treasure them

Respectfully, this thread is not about the specific difficulties of adopted people, with whom I have deep sympathy. But awful things have happened to many people. I experienced serious CSA aged ten. Has it had a lifelong impact on all aspects of my life into middle age? Absolutely. Does it mean, I just accept the deeply unhealthy coping mechanisms I evolved to deal with it? No.