Dwindling friendships

[elepant]

Didn’t know where to put this so hope this works in this topic.

I hardly have any good friends left. Is it my (middle age) time of life? A natural occurrence and totally normal? Or not? Is it me? Am I unlikeable?

It’s not that they have all left me. I have distanced myself from some as I can see we’ve grown apart and I don’t feel the way I used to about them.

I’m less tolerant of certain behaviour that I used to be. I’m no longer interested in people pleasing.

But I’m lonely. I can’t believe I’ve gone from having lots of lovely friends to
so few. Feel really sad about it.

I think if you have distanced yourself from some people and grown less tolerant of others, you have your answer.
Keeping up friendships takes a lot of effort and compromise - without those things, relationships do fade.
I hope things get better for you soon.

I'm 50s and cherish my good friends. I'm so grateful to have them. I have found there are more flaky people about nowadays though.

I think the main bond my gfs and I have is we're all very caring. So many nowadays are for themselves.

There's social groups for women on Facebook that are good for meeting up. I've met friends there too. They are more for socialising but still nice women.

It's also good to enjoy your own company like so many of you do. And not be afraid to do things alone.

Yes def flaky. I dont book tickets now as people tend to pull out. Its def so much work having friends. My circle small.

@BeardOToots @Mary46 , facilitators are rarer than followers I have found. If I fancy a night out with my group friends, and I have the same issue with most not being willing to organise, I make sure the people I really like and want to see are available on a couple of dates and organise around them. Invites thrown open to everyone but I know I'm going to enjoy the evening whoever turns up.

Before I would run myself ragged trying to please everyone, not myself, and then feel resentful. I've also become a lot more discerning about who I consider friends and who are acquaintances. My bar is higher. Funnily enough I am much more attracted to other facilitators which works well for me.

Perhaps this is the reason some people find friendships more satisfying. They weed out the one-sided ones earlier rather than labour under the illusion that putting yourself out for others will be reciprocated.

I meet one to one now just less stress. Nightmare planning groups of 5 or more. My friend does full time wends book up fast so thats fair enough

@paradisecircus It’s as @TheHistorian says, we’ve raised the bar. Eg, several no shows and you’re off the list. Impossible to agree a date with you - I’m not trying any more. Expect me to organise your birthday event - in my house? No, not any more. Do it yourself elsewhere. So yes, we don’t see some people as often but I’m less resentful.

I understand. I've either faded away from friends or had them fade away on me. Now I am mid-40s and have a few old friends that are not very close that I speak to a few times a year, but nothing else. I used to have a few very close friends i spoke to daily, but one I ended and the other disappeared on me recently.

It's hard because there are so many days I wish I could share something or get advice on something and there is literally no one to ask. I don't even have a mother.

Most women seem to rely on their sisters as their friends. I don't have sisters. I also work from home as a freelancer. No coworkers.

Many people I know have also gotten very politically outspoken, which has led to a breakdown of more than one friendship and has caused me to be way of new ones.

Gone are the days of making mum friends as I'm no longer in that phase of playdates or activities. DH is really a loner and so we have no couple friends, and the few times we tried it was a disaster as DH never wanted to go out, so we had to keep saying no.

Making new friends at this age feels downright impossible. At best, it's just very, very surface level. I have also had sister-like friends for decades who knew everything about me up and disappear, so I am not sure I could ever let myself share so much of myself again with someone who could just ghost me.

I have lately felt like my world is very small and for the first time in my life fear that it will never get bigger or fuller.

Mid 40s here and I’ve recently been feeling this. I’m the organiser, I can’t help it, I’m good at it and I like planning stuff. I’ve also got an amazing memory for people’s lives, I just remember what their aunties dogs called and how they’ve got a dentist appt next month etc and generally feel like it shows others that I genuinely listen and am interested in them.
However, I’m tired of being the one making all the effort and no one bothering with me or asking me questions about my life. I feel like maybe my organisational nature is probably too much for people and too intense whereas I just use it to show people I care.

Ive really started to think about how maybe just focusing on my family is probably more important than sorting out a girls trip that no one else tries to help on. I love having girlfriends and spending time with them but I think I maybe need to learn to enjoy just doing things alone like going for a spa day rather than waiting for everyone to get a date together?

Ive also stopped chasing people for coffee dates etc if they don’t ever bother asking me. I think I’m fun and likeable, but I don’t think I’m the chosen friend that people bend over backwards to spend time with?
Feeling sad at the moment about it all but this thread is really helping show me it’s maybe a time of life thing?

There's social groups for women on Facebook that are good for meeting up. I've met friends there too. They are more for socialising but still nice women.

@JumpingDizzy can you link one of these?

I think most people view the habitual organiser as the one who needs the events, meetings etc most, hence why they instigate them the vast majority of the time. If other people needed them as much, they would instigate them.

I have an extremely good memory, like you, @Banrockmystation, but I’ve learned that many people are unnerved by its extent, so I tend to conceal it these days unless it’s an actual friend — I think many people are used to talking randomly, on the assumption it’s not being noted and retained, and can even find it threatening.

I met a friend’s girlfriend last week, having only met her once before just under a year ago, at a gig. I remember what she told me then, her daughter’s name and age, where they live, where her parents live, where she did her medical training, the different specialisms she trialled, where she works, what her horses are called and where they’re at livery, where her siblings live, her favourite songs from the band etc etc, but I didn’t say anything this time that indicated more than a normal retention of facts.

I'm 55 and honestly my social life has flourished in the past few years. Ive got several groups of absolutely amazing women friends. Off on holiday with one group tomorrow in face, we've known each other since our kids were in nursery together.

I've also got several close friends from school years, then a couple from my 20s. Then more recent additions as well. Friends have always been important to me and I've picked them up as I've gone through life. I'm very easy going though so accept people for who they are i guess.

They're usually local. If you put women's social group and your area they'll come up if there's any.
Or might be a bigger area for example North West England.

During Covid one of my Book group friends suggested we keep in touch via WhatsApp. That was all fine and good for back then but as social distancing dropped and things got back to normal she wanted to keep it on WhatsApp. I found it very frustrating because we seem to have lots of misunderstandings/things lost in
translation (probably because of speech to text and also I think she sometimes forgot who she was messaging 🙄) and so I suggested it would be nice to meet in person instead. She couldn't find any time to do so even though I knew she met up with other people. She only lives a mile up the road and I was the one prepared to walk up and meet her. Instead she preferred to keep me in the WhatsApp box and send me nonsensical messages sometimes in the middle of the night and when I replied she told me that I didn't make sense. So I questioned the friendship and haven't contacted her since.

I do think WhatsApp has something to do with the decline of friendships in person and coffee meet ups etc although others may disagree. Maybe it encourages laziness or maybe it makes it easier for people to question unsatisfactory friendships more than they would have previously. The plethora of online articles/podcasts suggesting we question our friendships contributes to this in a very large way. Maybe it is for the best and we are putting up with less nonsense then we used to.

@Twinhearts that's so sad about your sister friends. I have 2 of those that's heartbreaking.

@SecondWoman I agree with your comments about organisers. I certainly had the idea that a big social life was to be had by facilitating events and parties etc. In my case I used it to fill the void left by an absent avoidant husband. I also thought inviting people to eat at my house would automatically lead to friendship, I didn't consider things in common or even if I actually liked these people. Far too open and giving. Now I take my time and keep an eye on whether the other person is actually interested in me and do I really like them. It's amazing what you can miss by being hell bent on creating 'friendships' by overgiving.

I have also had an experience of another organiser being a total control freak. A girls trip abroad got taken over by one person who insisted her ideas/tastes were the only ones. I hope I wasn't like that or perceived like that!

We used to need to get together with friends in person, to find out about our lives and share stuff. Now it's all done via WhatsApp, there's no stimulus to actually meet. And being in the same room is massively better for connecting as human beings, then text on a screen. So everything is more superficial.

I know a lot of people who I'm friendly with, but when I needed someone to take me to hospital for a twenty minute test that required sedation, I realised that I didn't have anyone that I was close enough to, to ask. And I think a lot of friendships are now on that very casual level.

Yes I completely agree with all you have written and do think that’s what people believe.
I guess in all honesty I do love social interactions and am quite socially charged so also truth in that’s why I instigate.
But I realised a while ago that I actually DONT need it, it’s actually become a bit of a stress and not enjoyable anymore which is maybe why I’m letting go and going to embrace my new confidence in being on my own! Plus I’m lucky to have a great DH and kids so I enjoy time spent with them.

And yes what I thought was being nice and kind and listening to people is actually viewed as a bit intrusive. I just wish someone would take time to be more interested in my life rather than the other way round. I honestly find people fascinating and genuinely love hearing about other peoples careers and lives but think I may drop that rope now.

Actually that's so true. I think WhatsApp in particular has damaged relationships for that reason. It's easier to hide behind a screen, messaging when convenient , and maybe not being honest about what's really going on in our lives. Messaging doesn't allow us to read expressions, body language and hear tone of voice. We pick up so much information one to one, or even when speaking on the phone, that is missed on a screen. I never phone my sister for example, we interact solely through WhatsApp, which is often hurried, the conversation doesn't develop beyond the superficial and often also only used for practical interactions.

Same here, mid forties, no mother or sister. Used to make a decent effort but tired of it. Have a great DH but no kids and we live in an area with lots of young families who socialise together. Hard to pin friends with kids down for a meetup. We do travel to meet child free friends a couple of times a year and they come to us and we really enjoy it, I also have online friends. But yes I am a bit lonely and fed up of it. I do go to exercise classes and have done night courses in the past but nothing much comes of it.

I could have written your exact post. I've gone from lots of friends and busy social life to none. Happened over covid mostly, but even before that we saw each other less and less.

I've never been friends with my sister and can't imagine I ever could be, which is sad. She's very controlling and has opinions that she feels everyone should share.

I joined a book group (by invitation) recently but it turns out that it is always on a Thursday which is the day I very often babysit for my daughter. I've kept quiet, but there have been several times recently when it has been cancelled because so few people were free. I suspect that the main organiser finds that Thursday is the best day for her and isn't prepared to change it. I've told her that I'm withdrawing from the group because Thursday doesn't work for me.

I don't get on with my mother at all and have a very strained and distant relationship with my sister.

Yes some are close to sisters for social things. I met a lovely lady our boys mid 20s now used see her at school. Going cinema next week. But otherwise its usual me messaging and no replies from people. I cant be assed now! People so flaky

My God, I can really relate to most of this! It gets harder to make friends as you get older as everyone has settled their social group.Mine seems to have ebbed and flowed. People are suspicious of you if you don't have many pals and the old 'Billy No Mates' scorn appears. However, I'm suspicious of those with loads of friends, spreading themselves so thin and skating on the surface! No, can't hack the BS and insincerity which seems to go with highly sociable people. I prefer to have just two or three decent mates who I truly enjoy being around. I certainly haven't got enough people to rustle up a party.

I have given up on a number of friendships as I felt they no longer meant enough, there was no real connection or interest anymore, it was too one sided, geographical distance or differences have emerged that can't be papered over. Friendships can have a lifespan then fizzle out. So, although I wish I had a really good friend who lived locally it's mainly acquaintances now and real friends aren't seen too often due to travel distance and busy lives.

@SecondWoman I come from a family who celebrated next to nothing. Birthdays and anniversaries came and went. I felt I didn’t want to subscribe to that non life. So DH and me always organised get togethers at our house. Even before that, when we rented with friends, we had parties. We did enjoy getting the food organised and sorting out the music. I don’t really think it’s needy but we have always had space and a willingness to have a go. However it’s been so rarely reciprocated we’ve pulled back and my big birthday in a few weeks is abroad.