Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

Sounds like you've got yourself an open marriage! Which may not be such a bad thing, if you're into it. Not all relationships are monogamous.

I agree with Meetmeundertheclock - you're in a good position to have your cake and eat it too. Why not go on a few dates yourself?

He's having his cake and eating it. It's as simple as that.

He's got a real lack of respect for both of you ie you and the OW, both of whom are facilitating his behaviour.

What has this guy going for him apart from history. Eight years lost for both of you IMO.

This. You’re basically an employee. The dates and SM blather are his little rewards and incentives programme, to keep you motivated to uncomplainingly carry on the wifework, and dangle a little bit of hope so you won’t take him to the cleaners.

It very much suits him to maintain the ‘happy family’ status quo, access to the kids and house, whilst fucking someone else when the mood takes him.

He can even pat himself on the back that he’s been honest with you, so everything’s above board. Also means he doesn’t have to make the ultimate decision and fully commit to the OW because he can string her along with tales of how he’ll leave eventually, but because he’s such a good guy he needs to be there for you and the kids until [insert whatever arbitrary time].

Your choices are to carry on as you are and muster a bit more of a French attitude to the whole thing, or try to rally some self esteem and take control of your situation.

But don’t delude yourself by denying the truth, which is that he doesn’t love you. He may be vaguely fond of you and not mind having you around, but he gives zero fucks about your happiness, mental health or the torture he’s putting you through. He may genuinely not want to break up your marriage, but that’s only because he currently benefits from staying in it.

Why don't you ask him instead of trying to guess his true feelings and actions?

Have an open chat with your husband and then decide if you'd prefer to continue the facade or separate.

I imagine he loves you both in different ways. And is very happy with the set up.

Are you? I’d be shocked if he left you for her. Why not get yourself a boyfriend too if you’re planning staying married?

I mean this with kindness but you need to wake the fuck up. You're being played for an absolute mug by this guy and its genuinely painful watching you delude yourself. What has happened to you to make you think this is an acceptable level of treatment?

He stays with you because of the benefits of having a housekeeper/cook/bottlewasher and because he doesn't want the friction of having to move house or the judgement of leaving his children. He's got the perfect setup and you're playing a long with it playing happy families on social media etc.

You need to stop worrying about whether he loves you or not (he doesn't) and take control of the situation. Is this good enough for you and your children? Do you seriously want your children growing up thinking this is normal and acceptable behaviour? No. So start taking steps to make it stop.

What's your financial situation like? Do you work? Can you move at the moment? You need to put all your energies into getting out of this.

If you are fine sharing him that’s great but he must care for her as well otherwise he wouldn’t be with her too.

I think the important question you need to ask here is why you are searching for meaning in this?

What is it YOU are looking for/hoping for from your husband? If deep down you actually want him to love only you then you need to evaluate whether this arrangement is really a healthy one for YOU.

He is with you as you accept his girlfriend and that means he can have his cake ( his family) and eat it ( sex with g/f)

He may love both of you in different ways.

You and the family meet some of his needs.

She meets others.

its whether you can tolerate it that’s the issue. 8 years is a long time.

He’s hanging in with you until the kids are older and until he’s ready to move out. All the while, you’re missing out on moving on or possibly getting on with someone else.

He's behaving like this because two women are allowing it. Is this how you want to demonstrate what marriage is to your children.

Why don’t you have sex anymore?

I really hope this is fake. It’s tragic. 🫢

I think you need to realise that she isn’t nothing to him.

I say this with kindness but I think you are confusing him working on your marriage with your marriage working for him. Your marriage provides him with a comfortable home which you maintain, full time access to your children and the status of a good family man. Divorce and living alone or setting up home with his girlfriend would be a lot more expensive than the current situation. Remaining married to you may well be deterring his girlfriend from having a child with him, which will also save him money.

And he has your approval so he has none of the stress and guilt that comes with cheating because he isn’t betraying you. He doesn’t have to put any thought into concealing his relationship with her or into juggling time between you both.

if you are allowing this to continue because it suits you, and it really does suit you, fair play to you. But if you are letting it continue because you are telling yourself that he loves you really then please stop. He doesn’t. One day you will see that and the longer it takes for that day to come the worse you will feel when you finally realise how much time you have wasted on such a spectacularly selfish creep.

I am almost certain that the OPs husband won’t leave because divorce is not culturally acceptable. The tone and lack of feeling with which the OP writes smacks of a transactional marriage. The OP does know deep down that this is not acceptable and she deserves more.

is this ai written drivel?

You are depriving yourself of the opportunity to move on and find somebody else. If/when he finally leaves you, you will do one of those “I’ve wasted so much time” posts!

I was going to ask about his parents. How big a part do they play in your/his life? Is the whole staying with you for the benefit of his parents and extended family?

He isn’t picking you up. He’s picking convenience. He’s picking his child who you say he has a close relationship with.

What a horrible situation to be. Leave him.

He loves neither of you. The only thing he loves is control.

This ... easy life with you and the kids. You do the housewife stuff. He sees the kids. Doesn't cost him and no hassle..

I was just about to post these exact words! 😅

He may be staying until your youngest is grown up

“things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.”

So you are not intimate and he has taken a mistress to fulfil his physical needs - he’s hardly the first man to have done that. If he’s been with the mistress for eight years, he’s not going to leave her anytime soon, but neither is he going to give up on family life. If you can live with this state of affairs, OP, that’s up to you - but don’t expect things to change. The situation might get messy if ever the mistress were to get pregnant, but if you are happy with the status quo for the sake of your DC and family life, it’s not for any of us to tell you it’s wrong. As for whether he loves you, it’s possible to love someone without being in love with them - maybe he loves you and the other woman.