Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

A better question surely is why are you still with him?
Don’t you deserve more than this?

Yes exactly this. He doesn’t love anybody. He’s having his cake and eating it. Posting on social media is all about his own ego.

How will you fare financially when he eventually walks out and divorces you?

He’s still taking you out and acting like a good husband because he is riddled with guilt. That is the only reason he is doing so.

Unless you’re in a sexless marriage and you’re ok with him getting his fix elsewhere - you need to leave.

It sounds like you are in an open marriage. Or actually a marriage of convenience if you haven’t been intimate in over 8 years.

is this what you want? It sounds like he has the best of both worlds and doesn’t have to make any difficult decisions.

maybe he has love for you and the family you’ve created but he no longer loves you in the romantic sense

I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, I think he probably does love you. I think he probably also does love his girlfriend (as you call her). I think he does things for you and blocks her for family time because it helps validate him and makes him feel like he’s still a good person with a moral compass.

But here lies the rub, his ‘love’ is worthless.

His love is NOT empathic, compassionate, trusting, faithful his love is ALL about him and what he’s feeding off both of you.

He sounds a little narcissistic (and I rarely bat that word around) but he is feeding off you both and while you’re battling for his worthless attention he’s having a feast.

I think you’re deep in the sunk cost fallacy and I think you’re lying to yourself to help you stay. That’s on you. It is entirely your decision.

But I wouldn’t settle for worthless love.

I’m going to take a wild guess here OP because you haven’t told us and suggest that there is a cultural difference between you and the rest of us posters. You are the dutiful submissive wife who knows deep down that what is going on in your marriage is not right.

Is his girlfriend from the same culture as you?

My aunt was in a relationship with a married man for decades. He died in his eighties, still married to his wife.

Tom Jones was an absolute hound for his entire marriage but adored his wife and was devastated by her death.

Some men are like that, can compartmentalise and genuinely love two or more women. These men are unlikely to make a choice however, so you have to ask yourself if you’re happy to live like this and wait till something happens to make the balance tip in favour of either one of you.

So he made valentines a family affair and most definitely not a romantic thing. He clearly loves being part of the family unit and spending time with his son and is not in a rush to let that go.

He is treating you more like a friend at best - although I’d like to think people don’t disrespect their friends this way. It’s a platonic relationship. He definitely doesn’t love you as a husband should.

You’re not being a rock, Op. You’re being desperate. Hanging on hopefully for crumbs from this man.

Well one day your children will find out their Dad wasn’t faithful for a large chunk of not all of his marriage and it will mess with their heads.

And even if they don’t, you will know. One day you’ll probably wake up to the sham of your marriage.

It wouldn’t be me tolerating this but it’s up to you I guess. I don’t think there is any point deluding yourself he loves you though. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy like this.

This may not be the case.

I used to know a girl who had been a married man's mistress for 20 years. He is/was her boss and they got together after her husband died. His wife knew.

Apparently every so often his wife would throw him out and he'd move in with the mistress, stay a few weeks and then she (wife) would beg him to go back. And back he trotted.
The girl I knew had no children and her married lover's children were adults.

I asked the mistress what the situation was and she said he was waiting for his wife to divorce him.🤔

I moved away and lost touch with her, so I can only assume that this merry-go-round is still turning as no-one seems to want to get off. 🙄

He’s waiting until his youngest child is an adult. He’s not there for you, he’s there for them.

I’m sorry to say this but yes he loves you but he’s not in love with you. I feel he’s putting on the show as the great dad and husband until the children grow up and then he will leave.

If he truly loved you and wanted the marriage to work then he wouldn’t have a girlfriend, he would end it with her.

Valentine’s Day- he didn’t take you out for a romantic meal, he took the family out. This was probably because it would look odd to the children if their dad went out on valentines and not with mum.

I know you love him and hope this is all just a blip but he doesn’t respect you and is just putting on the show of a fantastic dad/ husband. He’s not really there with you, just doing things he’s obligated to do but having a proper relationship with the girlfriend.

I’m sorry to be so blunt but I’m worried he’s going to leave soon and youll be devastated.

My opinion is that if he loved you he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. However has he had affairs because your relationship isn’t physical? In these situations I think the person with the higher sex drive often looks elsewhere. Your marriage sounds more like a friendship. The way he is behaving is disrespectful and he isn’t working on your marriage he has the best of both worlds. I’m wondering how you have allowed this for so long? Are you in denial op about the whole situation as he even told you he doesn’t love you. I’m sorry op his behaviour must be hurtful.

‘ not happy no but I tell myself he’s still here, he isn’t out all night, he still does family outings, takes me out on special days. He’s still my husband. She’s nothing.’

Aww sweetheart but that’s not true. She is something or she wouldn’t be lurking in the background of YOUR marriage. You are a bit player in her drama, in her life, in her true love story. So while you insist she’s ‘nothing’ and she insists you’re just for ‘show’ he gets to sit back and eat validation kibbles.

Google ‘sunk cost fallacy’ ‘pick me dance’ and read ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ or accept your position but please stop thinking you’re winning here. The only one winning is your faithless, cheating creep of a husband.

You’re winning?

Oh. You think you’re in competition with other women and the scraps off the floor are what you’re fighting over.

When you mature and move
past this stage life will be much richer.

You need to protect yourself, they are likely going to run off into the sunset when the children are older. Show them all that you deserve better. No one who loves someone treats them like this. It's a show and not one you have to play a role in.

My guess is he’s waiting it out till your son gets out of school so he can appear to be the perfect father. Then he’ll probably leave you both, or just you and it will drag on with her for a year or so until he meets someone else. If that did happen, how would you cope emotionally and financially. You’d have less rights in a divorce if the kids were all older, which may be another reason he’s stalling depending on your finances. If you’re happy to stay go find a boyfriend, see how he likes that. It’s petty I know but it may also show you there’s another life for you out there without this idiot of a husband you have.

This is horrible. You need to find some self respect and raise your standards.

Do you write with no emotion because you are feeling dead inside OP?

As I can really see why if this is the case.

So what did you say when he told you he had a long term OW?

This whole things reads like you've just shrugged your shoulders and let him get on with it. It's convenient for you to have a man who'll post nice things on social media, look after your DC, it's convenient for him to have the image of a good husband and family man. It's not a set up I'd put up with.

So I’m going to go against the general consensus here and guess again because the OP is not providing more information. This is a cultural ‘problem’ … He is not going to leave his wife because divorce is not acceptable. He is just going to carry on doing what he is doing because it’s the only way he can be with this other woman and also not upset his setup at home.

I think we would all be very surprised to know how many cultural marriages operate in this way. Deep down the wife knows and wants better but is stuck.

Ps OP I ‘hope’ this is actually the case because this cultural trap would be easier for me to understand than you just being a woman who thinks this is the best she deserves.

@Doesheloveme4377 he may be still
with you for now .., he’s perfectly setting up a new life with the ow first. Likely he’s waiting for your youngest to grow up a bit more. Hes not choosing you over anyone. You will be in great shock when this finally happened. See a therapist and get some self respect and a dose of reality!

What’s your financial situation?

I can completely understand why HE Wants this. He gets stability and financial security and public acceptability and no disruption for his children PLUS a girlfriend who will give him all the sex and adoration.
I don’t understand what either of you two women are getting: He’s obviously told her he will dump his family one day to keep her. He has even told you as I expect there was an ultimatum from her.
OK we don’t care about the GF because she’s an idiot and not posting here. So over to you.
He may or may not leave you for her so think clearly about those options.

1. He waits until youngest is safely settled then you two divorce. No dependent children so more straightforward. You get to raise the youngest with stability but financially probably worse off when you’re older. PLUS you have to live with this in your head all the time.
2. You divorce him now. Will be hard but it’s going to be hard at some point. Can you really go into old age with someone who treats you like this? Even if he finishes with her he will look for another one.

Would you go 50:50 on care for the youngest? Can you afford two houses? Do you have a job and money? Would you want to meet someone else? Can you live with this uncertainty in your head while he makes up his mind? You do have rights to make decisions yourself and your feelings do matter.

For what it’s worth I stayed for a decade while children were at school but spent that time on making sure my career and finances and friendships were prioritised and I am happy on my own now. No regrets.

Have you no self respect?