Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

I guess he might love you to some extent. I am sure he loves his family life, and his kids. However, I think you’re missing the point; is this enough for you?

dont you think you deserve better?

He probably likes both of you. Who knows what love is anyway? He likes her for sex and excitement and you for companionship and living with. It is also makes financial sense to stay with you. It is quite a common scenario. If you stay with him, he will continue to have girlfriends until he gets too old. He probably won’t leave you unless one of his girlfriends insists and even then he might not as this will be a bit off putting to a man like him and it isn’t as if he is looking for ‘the one’. It is up to you if you want to stick around.

Since you're grasping at straws @Doesheloveme4377, try this perspective.

What advice would you give to one of your children being treated like this?

Does he ever say (to you) I love you”
does he ever do other intimate things like hold your hand?
does he ever talk to you about trying to improve the intimate side of your own relationship?
is he warm to you in front of family and friends and then is quiet and spends time alone when it is just you two together?

personally, I think he is using you for, amongst other things, a mind dump - where he is able to quite easily tell you that he is emotionally and physically involved with another woman - this lets him release himself from all feelings of guilt after all he is being honest with you about it isn’t he and you’re not complaining so what could possibly be wrong?

'She's nothing' but he won't give her up?
How can you think she doesn't matter when he's planning a future with her. Either he's lying to her to get her into bed (but doesn't want to be in yours) or he means it and will leave you but both ways, he's making a mockery of your marriage.

Cake and eat it.

Don’t kid yourself the children aren’t aware! They will be.

He probably has some love for you as the mother of his kids but I'd say it ends there. He doesn't love you enough to not be shagging another woman, and it's not the first woman he's cheated with. It's likely he's waiting for your youngest child to finish school and then he'll be off.

You do sound a bit deluded, and as though you're fitting the narrative to suit yourself. Valentine's Day for example...you're "he was with ME", but he also took two aunts and your youngest child out, so it wasn't a romantic date between people who love each other. You're kidding yourself.

At the moment your H has his cake and is eating it. He's got his stable home life and he's getting the intimacy from the GF. You're both mugs for putting up with it. However, once the youngest child is grown, what will there be holding your H at home? You're convincing yourself you are/will be the winner, but you're in for a shock. I'd pick my self respect up off the floor, gather evidence of the cheating (for when he denies it to all and sundry), and divorce his cheating arse.

I suspect when your youngest is an adult, he will finally leave you for her.

You need to be realistic.

FFS! He's got you well trained. Winning? You actually think your 'D"H having an OW for 8 years means you're winning because he cleans? I've been on MN years and thought I'd seen it all. I'm lost for words with you. Gillette required here urgently....

Exactly. OP, if you both have this huge shared history, why is he cheating on you? Obviously the history isn't stopping him from caring about your feelings in all this. But then again, you seem to be ok with another woman in your marriage as long as you can convince yourself that he loves you. It sounds bonkers.

Without meaning to be mean, perhaps it is not you but your son he is staying for. You say they are always together.
Perhaps he is waiting for him to finish school and will then dance off into the sunset with the girlfriend.
If you still want this relationship, I would sit down with him and ask where this is going? He has 'plans' to buy a house with her...he has plans to live with her? When is this going to happen?
I would protect myself financially and if he is not willing to give up the girlfriend after 8 years, I would instigate divorce proceedings and get a life I could be proud of instead of a sham.

Yep this and then when he’s too old for casual sex anymore you’ll be the one left wiping his arse and nursing him on his death bed. Stop being an idiot OP. Have some self respect. You’re not winning, having to spend another day with this man is the definition of losing.

It’s really simple OP- he doesn’t love you. Someone who loves you doesn’t have a whole other life & partner. You’ve just made it easy for him because you’re so desperate to believe he does love you that he’s getting away with this behaviour.

What's this long history?, and why are you viewing this as a competition, rather than the outrageous betrayal it is. Are you financially dependent upon him? I feel like there's some kind of leverage he has which is keeping you from upsetting the apple cart.

He's probably waiting until your youngest is an adult and out of the home and then he'll leave. At the moment, he's happy to have both of you. I think it's really sad that you're clutching at straws and willing to go along with his infidelity as long as he stays.

If what you believe is true and he doesn't want to leave, he's stringing her along with promises of a future together and has no intention of fulfilling those promises. If that's the case, what an awful thing to do to someone! I don't know how you can have love and respect for him.

He's not staying to work on the marriage - if he wanted to work on his marriage he wouldn't be sleeping with someone else for 8 years! Ultimately, it's up to you if you continue the relationship but if I were you I'd be preparing for him to leave when your son is older in a few years. You can bury your head in the sand but eventually you are going to have to face up to the fact that your husband isn't a good man and he doesn't love you.

He's always with your teenager but you come to the conclusion he's there for you?

I mean, he told you about his girlfriend a year ago and you did nothing, so why should he upend his life and upset his children if you're not even bothered.

Have you even asked him all the questions you're asking here?

As soon as your you youngest leaves home the marriage will be over, he'll have nothing to stay for.

I just don't get how you can stand to look at him. Have you no self respect? Seriously you deserve so much more of only you could see it.

I think he is with you because it is far more convenient and settled to stay than to leave. If you have kids, friends in common, financial and emotional ties then it is hard to leave. But that doesn’t mean he won’t eventually work up the courage to be able to go. Or he might be totally happy with the current set up and have no plans to ever officially go. I don’t know why you would settle for that though, and your post makes clear that you aren’t happy.

It could be that things have started to fizzle out with the girlfriend or they had an argument. Does that mean he loves you? I don’t know. Other than a weekend of birthday celebrations, do you feel loved by him?

This is sounding like one of those French novels where a man has a family and a mistress. But I accept what @Doesheloveme4377 has said.
Two points I don't get. Ages, does Op say? Adult children implies OP is in high 40s, was the birthday her 50th?
This matters because she could find herself divorced and lonely when approaching 60.
Money? If she divorces what will she have left to re-start her life?
@Doesheloveme4377 Do you want a relationship with another man? Would you like to have an intimate relationship. If not why not carry on? Would an FWB work. I think I would choose that. [If it were me it would be a woman FWB]
It might well be the OW who brings this house of cards down if she gets fed up of being strung along..
What about the children, do they know of OW?

OP I’m sorry but no, he doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t have another woman. If he wanted to make your marriage work he wouldn’t have another woman. You deserve better. Please find it within yourself to leave. Would you be happy for your own children to be in a marriage like this when the grown up? Of course you wouldn’t.

I do think it’s possible to recover a relationship from cheating sometimes, but 8 years?? That’s not nothing.

Either non-monogamy works for you and you’re both getting what you want from it, or you’re just allowing him to treat you both like you don’t exist except when he wants you to exist.

Non-monogamy requires honestly and communication. He just uses everyone and you rationalise it in your head as “but he loves me more”.

He's staying because of your son and to keep up appearances. He'll be gone, when DS goes. Everything he does is for his own benefit (reputation, ego, avoiding guilt (in his warped mind), sex, finances).
Or, and I really hope it's this option, this isn't real. I say this because I can't believe anyone can be so deluded, as you seem to be.

Even if you do think that then you think you're with a man who loves you but is just stringing along another woman for years telling her lies, begging her to stay with him when she left, for what? for fun? an ego boost?

What kind of a 'man' would do that?

Are you from a cultural background where having multiple wives or one wife and multiple lovers is accepted? I'm asking genuinely, OP, as it's the only scenario where having stayed in this marriage after knowing all this would make sense.

I just cannot fathom the shit some women put up with. OP you have told us nothing about how you feel about him besides for you have a long history.
What is it about him that keeps you putting up with this? Is it financial? This one thing (his affair and treatment of your marriage) would be the overriding quality that would make me kick him to the curb. Somehow this man has been led to believe that living this life is ok and it’s only because you have allowed it. You do know that you have one life and it’s not to be lived for him or even for your children. Why would you spend it in this state????

Why do you believe you deserve his scraps? I ask again to give us some more info please. Is it cultural? Is it financial? Do you have a history of low self esteem?