Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me

No he hasnt. Don't kid yourself. He's ignored her because its suited him to play the family man with his kids. He hasn't chosen you

You’ve read their messages…it’s there in black and white. He loves her. He doesn’t love you. They are planning a future together. I’m betting that as soon as the youngest is off to college/left home he’ll be gone. He’s there for the kids, not you.

OP, gently, this will continue as long as you allow it. Here's a glimpse into your future.
I knew someone in this situation but she was the OW.
He was having his cake and eating it for 12 years.

So if you don't like that picture of what's ahead of you, you must take action.

Don't allow it. to continue.

Make an appointment with a solicitor and get advice.

Do it later today.

Sorry to say but it’s probably not you he’s there for. He’s making plans with the ow. They may be fantasy to keep her sweet but they also may be very real. When your youngest leaves home you may end up being the only one left in the house 😢 I’m really sorry.

How did he tell you about this ow and how does he justify her to you - for EIGHT years?

you need to tell us why you dont care about her existence so we can understand better. And what history you have together that means you don’t care.
and do you want sex with him?
as far as i can see, he told you about her expecting you to be upset and to divorce him but you reacted unusually and accepted it so he hasn’t had the balls to figure out how to get rid of you again- he’s just continuing in this weird limbo.

how did he tell you and how did he react?
and are you filthy rich living a socialite lifestyle? Like who is this ‘public’ who give a shit about your relationship? Who are these people who are so invested in your relationship they follow your date posts on social media? How old are you both, and her? And have you spoken to her?

sooo many questions

He is only doing what he is doing because neither of you are forcing him to choose!
OP you sound like a doormat he is gladly wiping his feet on… as is his Girlfriend.

I’m sorry but I think it’s obvious, he’s having his cake and eating it. And why does making sense of it matter anyway? He’s not a good man.

I suspect he does love you, but in a deeper way than a sexual partner. He has a long history with you, children. He probably wants to keep up appearances for his children. It’s your call if you want to hold out and hope it fizzles out, but i’d say one day he may well leave. Many married men don’t though, they string the other woman along. I mean we always tell women on here who are having an affair that he won’t ever leave his wife.

Why are you putting up with it, hoping he eventually picks you? Do you work, able to live independently financially? Why did your sexual relationship end? Was that before he started the affair? You do need to prepare yourself that he will go once your youngest child is of age. That may be the timeline he is working towards.

This!

I’m struggling to understand how you’ve deduced he’s staying for/still in love with you when by your own admission he spends all his time with your youngest son. I’d hazard a guess as your son flies the nest, your husband will too.

You talk a lot about winning, but is a husband that makes a mockery of your vows for 8 years and is actively planning a future with another woman really a prize you want to win?

He's "still there" as you put it, because he has a good thing going and wants to keep all sides happy so that you don't rock the boat. You are exhibiting a total lack of self respect OP, and I would address that first. History or no history you shouldn't be allowing yourself to be treated like this. Both of you also seem to be oddly focused on how good your relationship looks on social media and to the world for some reason, instead of what is actually going on.

I suspect he’ll leave once the youngest is gone. He basically gets to keep everyones good opinion of him while he stays at home playing the doting husband and father. He’s playing a role, his life is simple in the sense that you aren’t making a fuss, the kids aren’t pissed off at him etc but he still gets to have sex with the OW. He is not having sex with you because she is the one that he wants. He is making plans with her about a future life, he discussed a vasectomy with her and not you, thats a massive deal imo.

Honestly OP if you are fine with the situation thats up to you but I would be preparing for the inevitable divorce if I were you and thinking about my financial situation and protecting myself.

Ugh the things I read on MN. Depressing state of affairs for so many women. If this is real it’s incredibly sad. You are not winning at all. This is a massive L.

OP you need to get some self-respect. He has told you he doesn’t love you with his words and with his actions. You don’t engage in a long term extra marital relationship if you love and respect your wife.

He was around for Father’s Day because presumably he has kids with you and not this woman. If he went to the woman’s house his own kids wouldn’t be there. It’s a no brainer really. Can I ask - who did he spend Valentine’s Day with ?

Also speaking of kids - do yours know your marriage is a sham? What a terrible example to your children if they are aware.

A lot of men don’t like divorce for various reasons. Even if they no longer love or desire their wife. Most don’t get to carry on with the other woman in plain sight though , so eventually they have to leave as their wives don’t tolerate it when they find out. You unfortunately are putting up with this so he is having his cake and eating it.

I will be blunt too - were you always a doormat in the relationship? Have you ever stood up to him - because it sounds like he has no respect for you to even pull this stunt on you. Any man I was with would know that disclosing they have someone else means it’s over between us.

I agree.

I am so sad for a lot of women. 2025 and they’re still tolerating this? I don’t know women like this in irl. But then I come on MN and see women that desperate for the crumbs of a man, they’ll put up with anything and call it a win if he doesn’t leave them completely.

He’s there for your youngest child: probably emotionally and financially. He will leave when your youngest does. You may be ok with this (I know couples who stayed together til kids had left) but you need to be emotionally and financially ready for him to leave when kiddo does.

I think it suits him to have both you & his girlfriend and he will want to keep that way. He has both of your attention and he gets to be in the middle playing you off against each other. Don’t wait for this to end - it won’t unless the girlfriend finally has enough of the lies & lack of commitment that he is giving her. But then your dh may look for a replacement girlfriend anyway.

What do you want from your life OP? Are you happy with how things are right now not in some future situation which is not likely to happen (girlfriend gone)? Maybe focus on that and make your life how you want it.

I didn’t expect for him to go to her house today but he completely ignored her text and phone calls because he was with me. Valentine’s Day, he took me, his two aunts, our youngest son and mom out to dinner.

no our children do not know anything. We are the perfect couple in their eyes and everyone else’s

has he cheated before yes, yes I have stuck around we have a family. So I stay and be the rock. We got pregnant young and we have a huge history.

Don't second guess who he loves. It's not you or your family. It's himself. Having a clandestine affair would be bad enough, but to actually tell u and presume he can play the public doting husband is shocking. He can do this because you are allowing him to do this. Love yourself, seek legal help and take the vile man to the cleaners.

She left him and he pleaded pathetically to her. Said he loved me as the mother of his children and he doesn’t want to sway the boat but that he did some work and told me he has a girlfriend. She told him he needs to stop performing. When I read that it hit me but I thought more do he performs for her.

im not happy no but I tell myself he’s still here, he isn’t out all night, he still does family outings, takes me out on special days. He’s still my husband. She’s nothing.

Thank you

Why, oh why, do women put up this shit?

OP you keep talking about a huge history like this is some sort of reason to tolerate being treated so badly? If your history is so important why does he not value it?

FFS.

He’s waiting until the youngest goes off to uni. That’s not uncommon. Are you wealthy? Are you able to give him a nice lifestyle that he’d miss if he left? Does he have a reputation to protect? Community leader, religious, authoritative? Are you ‘good on paper’? That was me when I got married - attractive, educated, decent job, similar backgrounds, etc. I know someone who carried on an affair for 3 years, played happy families until his DD got married, and then 3 weeks later he walked out and shacked up with his mistress.

This is all extremely odd. It’s like you’re both his harem or something.

He is using and abusing you.

Have you been checked for STDs? He may have brought something back to you from his AP. For all you know, he’s not even the only man SHE is seeing, so don’t trust HIS word that she’s clean (or that he himself is.)

I don’t care how long your “history” is. You don’t have a partner. You have a user who is your husband on paper and that’s about it. He gets to put on the mask of whatever part he wants to play to make himself feel good - a devoted husband mask, a loving father mask - and does not give one single crap for YOUR feelings.

Girl…