Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

I agree with @yakkity they need to have a frank discussion about what they both think their situation is actually about and where it is going. At the moment she is assuming he is there for her and, from the sounds of it, snooping on his phone to read between the lines. From OP's posts I think he's being upfront with her but she is making 2 + 2 = 5 because she doesn't want to hear it. He may be telling the OW what he wants her to hear however.

OP needs to gain some self respect and kick him out and start a divorce

No-one is arguing with this other than, possibly, the OP.

I bet if she told him shes getting a boyfriend he'd soon change his tune

Maybe or maybe he would be relieved.

... if this thread is genuine 🤔

Guys who live like this don’t have ‘frank discussions’ They say what they know the other wants to hear.

8 years hes had this OW, others before. He’s made a lifestyle choice. It’s obvious what he wants…he wants the life he has now. Their situation is, in his opinion, about giving him what he wants, which is what is happening now. Love does not come into it.

She either accepts she’s a convenience , which he’s ok with because she is compliant and accepting.
Or she wants a different kind of relationship so she has to find that elsewhere. Hoping to keep her cheese..that’s already too late. Ref is ‘Who moved my cheese?’ By Dr Spencer Johnson

She is the one with no grip on reality. She lives in a fantasy of being with a man who really loves her but ..is having a what? Midlife crisis? Lost his way temporarily? For 8 years?
I know how time slips by. I have been there. But accept it or move on. Stop with thevself delusion.

He’s a man without empathy, a user and a conman. Trying to put emotions onto him, conscience or empathy is a waste of time.

But it might be a helpful thing to attempt @DearDenimEagle? Rather than crossing her fingers and assuming that as he's physically with her then he must have "picked" her. I find it hard to understand why she hasn't done it already - I'd be being very vocal (not that I would be in this situation). Of course he might lie but he might put her straight and she will know where she stands. He has been honest with her about his feelings towards her and (eventually) about the OW. Of course she should have left him, unbelievable that she hasn't, but she seems to want to stay and tolerate it, apparently believing they will be married forever. Anyway IMO it would be worth the attempt if she wants clarity (presumably why she posted here), but my feeling is she really doesn't. Like others on here, I feel that she may be in for a nasty shock in a few short years.

And I agree with 99% of your points

I agree that it needs discussing too. The lack of communication in the relationship is quite staggering - it seems as though when told of the affair OP merely asked him not to embarrass her (!) and then let him carry on. She has said they’re not much ones for talking and prefer to sweep things under the rug.

Because they aren’t discussing it at all she is left analysing his behaviour for proof that she’s the one “winning” in the battle for his affections. And wrongly interpreting the evidence to think that she is when that is clearly not the case.

OP, if you want to know who he loves most you need to ask him! Stop tiptoeing around playing guessing games. And if you want him to give up the other woman you need to demand that he does!

And if he says he loves her and refuses to give her up, then you need to kick him out.

But when he lies to her, Again, she will give credence to his lies, again and be no better off. She is blinded by hope and if he is not being frank with her, it’s not a frank discussion, is it? So far, everything he has told her has kept her in her place, looking after his home life and children, maintaining his image of good husband, father to everyone. She covers up what he is up to, so everyone believes he’s the good guy.
Why would he say anything to risk that? To risk his reputation, losing his comfortable home, to have to pay in a divorce?
Lying has served him well. It’s what he does…and they do lie convincingly, especially to one who already more than half believes and is desperate to have her doubts laid to rest with more lies

He’s already told her he has a girlfriend that he’s not going to stop seeing so why do you think he’s going to pretend he’s not. You don’t make sense

And if he says he will give up the OW but just carries on seeing her, deeper ‘underground’ ? Then what?
She is lulled into a false sense of security, till he slips up and she gets devastated again. Or he does give her up and gets another supply.
She is with a serial cheater, liar. No discussion will be productive .
In truth, she already knows all she needs to know. He’s cheated before, he’s been with this one 8 yrs.
He has no loyalty. No sense of right and wrong. What’s right is what he wants. Or else he’d have stopped when discovered. Most men choose at that point. He has manipulated to keep both.
Im so glad most of you seem to have not been in this position with such a man.
Im done. This brings back too much. 2 such men, 30 years wasted.
If she wants to waste her life , she can. I’ve tried to help her see.

She's already living in a false sense of security, he's told her he doesn't love her, married her for duty and has an OW, but she thinks he is still there for her and she doesn't really believe him. He doesn't seem to be hiding anything or lying. She's seen messages about their plans (his and OW) but doesn't take it seriously. If they actually properly communicated and he told her that once DC are adults he will be with OW (and probably divorcing OP) which is the likeliest scenario, then she has to start getting things in order. Yes he may lie, but he seems to be being pretty upfront with her so far, so not sure why he would start lying now.

No-one on here is saying stay with him (although I remember a post telling her to seduce him weekly or something!). We all can see this situation is totally bonkers. OP sadly seems to not be able to face reality.

I often wonder if op has taken any of the advice on here,

Honestly, I think its simple. He loves him.

With you he gets respectability and comfort, with her s*x and excitement.

He doesnt love you enough to be faihful or her enough to leave.

you either need to accept sharing him, leave or issue an ultimatum (being prepared he may not pick you)

^ agree. It’s interesting, he obviously doesn’t love his wife, or seemingly the GF either

Wonder if he is waiting til he meets someone he really likes, or til the teen is grown so no child support due. OP says she works with ‘patients’ so probably has enough of a career to be self supporting so he would not lose all his assets in a divorce

Cant believe both these women would live like that for so long, or how deluded OP is

I wouldnt appreciate a romantic Valentine’s Day with 2 aunts in tow etc

But he’s doing this anyway

he’s shagging someone else

you accept it as it’s been happening for 8yrs

more the fool both of you. You for allowing and putting up with him sleeping with another woman

her for being on the side and knowing he’s atill having his cake with you

both of you are fools @Doesheloveme4377

Maybe he is sitting this out until your youngest is an adult?

Its fine you're struggling. But this isnt going to get better if you do nothing

People usually stay because they're comfy, he doesnt need to work on the marriage because hes getting what he wants. Its cheaper to be with you and cheat while you allow it. But if you stay you're sharing him, and he might leave anyway.

To me you've two choices (and i know which one id make) or three if you're a full idiot

1. Fight for him, tell him you love him and want him to end his affair and consider counselling. Try and work on the intimacy too, he clearly wants sex with someone.

1. Leave him. He doesnt love you enough to be faithful and no woman ever got what she wants by lowering her bar.

1. Keep ignoring, keep telling yourself you're special. He probably won't leave til the little one is grown, but best case scenario with this is status quo holds worst is she gives him an ultimatum or the next one does and he leaves once it's convenient and child support isnt a concern.

That's it. Its not nice, of course it's hard for you emotionally but no amount of magical thinking will have us play back to you a fairytale that doesnt exist

The thing is. Hes clarifying his love for you with as the mother of his children, it isnt i love her. Its qualifying i love her as...

What does his actions of saying "i love you, I'm in love with you, you're my best friend" to another woman speak of? What does his actions of sex with other women even before this one speak of? What do his actions of obliging not instigating speak of? What does his actions of clearly valuing sex but not intiating it with you but giving it to someone else speak of?

I think he wants to eat his cake and have it but he may still have genuine affection for you. He hopes you can just look the other way.

I don’t think he loves anyone. He lives for himself and his wants and needs. He says and does whatever is necessary to keep everyone in line…wanting to be in line.
These guys can make someone feel they are the only thing that matters. Then, when they want to add to the harem, they throw enough crumbs to keep #1 in hope that they regain what they had …while cheating with a n other, who is expected to be content with being an also ran…some are led on with hopes of being The One, others don’t need that…sometimes it’s just for the fun for them. There are women who like the idea they have taken a man from his wife. Won a match the wife didn’t know she was in.

My goodness OP, you cannot really think this man has any love or respect for you? What terrible examples you both are to your children - him for doing this and you for facilitating it - they may not realise what's going on now but you can bet your bottom dollar that they'll join the dots further down the road. Find some strength and self respect and let him go - he can still be a good father to your children but he is NOT a good husband, despite the façade. You can do better x