Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

Thank you. I just keep feeling he wants to work on our marriage because he’s still here and we have a long history.

"Working on the marriage" in this case is a euphemism for "flogging a dead horse". A good marriage requires patience, tolerance and negotiation and sometimes even good marriages encounter friction and communication breakdown which take work to reset.

But "working on a marriage" should never require you to debase and humiliate yourself.

Please toughen up and see this for what it is. You've wasted eight plus years already but you don't have to waste the rest of your life.

There's a difference between a husband and a father. He isn't the former. He is the latter.

How much family money is he spending to keep his mistress?

I don’t think she even knows what that is, tbh.

Trying to make sense of what. Pretty simple you don't mind a cheating husband as your agreeing to it for a long time so why should anything else matter

@Doesheloveme4377 As someone whose husband (ex) had an affair I learnt a lot. So with kindness I say - what are you afraid of? Have a conversation with him, get it clear , outline what you want, his response will steer your path.
my worry for you is that if you continue with this marriage, with no physical affection, it will diminish you. You deserve to be loved , and there are so many options available - do not resign yourself to living a half life.

OP, it’s your choice whether to stay or go. But if you choose to stay, you should, at the very least, make it clear you also plan to have affairs (and get started ASAP)!

Op your h is living his best life, wife children at home, girlfriend on the side , win win for him,
You allowed this op you rollout the red carpet for him, he doing nothing wrong just the best of both worlds because you allow him too,

Why on earth do you think this is OK, he hasn't picked you over her because he comes back to you play happy families puts things up on sm happy family, he can because you have allowed this situation op,

He will live this life because you have enabled this life ' happy days for him' but what about you op, just stick your head in the sand and crack on , happy to share your h,
You need a serious conversation with yourself op, what do you want,
Remember you enabled this situation your h is running with it now,
Why op, do you really want this life, second fiddle to another woman,

Op he is NOT choosing you. If he was choosing you he would have stuck to his marriage vows !
He is choosing himself !
Do you think he gives a damn about your feelings when he sticks it in some other women.
(There is blunt for you )

He isn’t doing shows for you he is doing it as he is the good guy and it feeds his ego . His need. .
Your full post screams “his needs”

OP, have you ever discussed this with him? What did he say??

Cake and eat it springs to mind. If he leaves you hes going to be worse off financially as your assets will need to be split. When your children find out you will both likely lose their respect - him for cheating and you for being a doormat. Make plans - see a solicitor and plan to get rid of him - he’ll get the biggest shock of his life that you’re not the doormat he thinks you are. You’ll also open the door to a new life for yourself.

He’s with you until the kids are older then will leave you

He will be waiting for the youngest to be an adult.
You will get a Worse deal in the divorce and be left with minimum .If you had divorced 8 years ago he would have been paying for all his kids as dependents.
Sorry op but you sound like a walkover and that’s why he is staying, for his own needs and because he can.

He loves you but he’s not in love with you.
He loves you probably more like a sister, rather than a partner.

He has a nice life with you and he still has the benefits of a great relationship with her, so why would he change his situation when he can have the best of both worlds.

He also doesn’t want to look like the bad guy in front of everyone.

If one of you gave him an ultimatum then he would of course make a decision but considering both of you are ‘happy’ to let him live like this then of course he’s going to continue because it benefits him.
It’s the definition of having your cake and eating it too.

I personally could not be either woman in this situation but if it works for everyone involved then that’s fine and your business and it’s not for anyone else to judge.

I would be getting my ducks in a row though because although you may be happy with this and not planning on giving him an ultimatum, she may not be and one day she may make him choose and he will likely pick her, simply because he gets more out of that relationship.

If you give him an ultimatum, which way do you think it would go? I often think that if I’ve given my ex a huge kick up the backside, instead of being too scared to rock the boat, then things may have worked out differently? Although with hindsight, why would I have wanted to keep him ….

I’m sorry but you need to listen to this. You are trying to convince yourself otherwise but he is not still with you because he loves you and because of your “shared history”. He’s with you for no other reason than convenience -
-no hassle of moving out
-can see youngest child whenever he wants, not just weekend visits etc
-no expensive divorce
-friends/family/public won’t think badly off him for running off with someone else.

He’s having his cake and eating it. He’s playing you for a fool and you’re letting him. Open your eyes, have some self respect and end the relationship. It’s painful but you need to acknowledge the truth of the situation.

OP have you TALKED to him. Like really objectively talked. Ask him. What is it that you really want from us (you and GF). Do you love her? Do you love me? Do you love either of us in any capacity?

speak without judgement or confrontation. Find out where his head and heart are at.

he may be someone who compartmentalises. He may genuinely feel for both of you but in ways others wouldn’t consider typical.

you say you haven’t had sex in a long time. Is this because you don’t want you or he doesn’t want to? Can you personally life in an open marriage if you genuinely believe he is committed to you in an open marriage style?

have you met her?

personally I wonder if he genuinely feels comfort and security with you. He doesn’t want to leave. He sees you as home but he sees her as an escape and physical love. She’s crazy if she thinks he wants to leave you. But at the same time unless you can be comfortable in this situation you are going to be to make tough choices.

I have a male family member who lives like this. His wife has never enjoyed sex and the physical side of their marriage ended years ago. He loves her, lives with her, goes on holidays, does stuff round the house, etc etc. However, he has had quite a few fleeting relationships and at least one quite involved one, because he told his wife he is not prepared to live like a monk. I think his wife is fortunate that he never found another really deep relationship, or I think he could have left. Sex matters more than some people realise.

And when the kids have left home.... he'll be gone too....

He wants the best of both worlds.
What a coward of a man.
He obviously doesn't want his children/family to know he is the type of person to cheat.
But he does want his girlfriend.
I bet they are planning to fully be together once your youngest child is older.
He has no reason to fake things with her . All the risk is with you. He could lose his children and family.
With her its just her. So he has to keep things civil and seemingly perfect with you.
Plus she would have known about you for a lot longer then you her. And she stayed with him . And makes longterm plans.
He probably told you a year ago so that when he does leave its not such a big shock.
You should tell everyone and get yourself mentally and financially in a good place

Never mind why is he still there. Why are you still there?

Seriously? He is 100% definitely not staying for you, he is staying for HIM and you are making it so very easy for him have his cake and eat it.
The love bombing and fake marriage act is a breeze compared to divorce and everything that comes with it.

Find your roar OP … and some self respect. This man is a massive aresehole!

If a man loves you, REALLY loves you, you know it. You feel it, your nervousnsystem feels it, and you don't have to convince yourself of it.

I think you have to ask yourself, why are you staying with him? Do you love him? Is it for the children? Are you afraid of change? Do you not think you’re good enough? Have you lost confidence? Is it all of these things and more?

More than anything, I always thought of love as mutual respect and friendship. My husband is my best friend. We share everything. Work hard together. Compromise. Keep talking. Remember to have fun. We are inseparable and I say all this not to be insensitive, but to express how I wouldn’t accept anything less.

Change is a scary thing. But how can you stay with someone who doesn’t respect you and says he loves someone else? That isn’t a loaded question and I am not judging you. It is so hard to leave the people we love, even if they have behaved in this way. But what could an alternative future look like? Do you think you deserve to be someone’s absolute number one? Their one and only? Forever and ever? Then don’t waste a second more. Life is so short. You deserve to be happy. As for the children? Children are always happiest when parents are happy, but that’s just my opinion.

But really… what is your gut saying that you might be ignoring or not yet ready to face up to?

We can offer our thoughts, but only you know what the right thing to do is! Good luck!

Doesn’t he have a wonderful life ?!

FFS OP. He's carrying on like a wealthy Victorian, with a meek wife and kids at home and a mistress somewhere else, in the complete and certain knowledge than he can continue doing what the hell he likes, because he's a man. Your post has made me feel genuinely sick. Stop with the "confusion". He doesn't love anyone, only himself. He'll pretend to love you once you throw him out, but that will just be anger at having been thwarted