Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

'She’s nothing.'

Delusional

Just think about what you’ve said there - you’d be embarrassed. Why? If you genuinely think this is tolerable and you’ll “win” (your word) in the end?

And please don’t think that his male friends don’t know. And if they know, their wives know. At least some of them.

I dont think he wants the marriage to work out of love for you, instead he feels guilt and a sense of obligation. This is a really lousy way of making a marriage work. He tells her he’s in love with her, she’s his best friend, ultimately he wants to be with her but is too much of a coward to end it with you. If you ended it then he would jump at the chance to have a real relationship with her.

The show you’re putting on now is quite sad. Your children are growing up and will realise your marriage is a sham (sorry to say this). You’re missing out on meeting someone who wants to be with you, who wants to be intimate with you and wants to spend a future with you for a man who’s pretending to be a husband but his mind is elsewhere.

I echo others here in saying you don’t win and the pretence you’re keeping up isn’t real. He’s in a long lasting relationship with this other woman, he’s not hiding it from you so I very much believe his friends know about it too.

Why are we still feeding the troll?

This is either completely made up bullshit, or you’re utterly naive. Not sure which.

I know a woman who is the OW in exactly the same scenario. He posts about his lovely wife and family and OW posts about her lovely boyfriend. Hope it’s not you. Mad as a bag of frogs.

Please emotionally prepare yourself for the very strong possibility that he will end your marriage at a time when you have continued to convince yourself that 'she' is irrelevant and it is you he truly loves.

My thoughts...is he telling her he is staying because of the children...or because you begged him to stay...is he using you as an excuse to not marry her so he doesn't end up in the same financial predicament of having to get married and a potential divorce. After all he' did thw right thing' by marrying you when you got pregnant.

For all you know he could dump her until another woman comes along who is again prepared to put up with this scenario...his options are plentiful. Your options seem alot more limited...youre effectively waiting on bended knee until he deems when he is prepared to look in your direction, no matter how short a time that may be. As for taking you and 3 or 4 other people out for Valentines day...it doesn't smack of romance or love.

I don't say any of this to be horrible but you asked for brutal honesty.

This might have been the saddest thing in the whole thread. The fact that OP is using his “obliging” her by submitting to being in a photo as evidence that he still loves her and they should stay together? Is your bar really set so low OP that this is a triumph for you?

You are breaking my heart, truly. Do you have a job OP? Savings? A pension? Are you too scared to leave because you don’t think you’ll be able to support yourself? I cannot think of any other reason you’d be putting up with this. It’s not like you’ve said that you are so madly in love with him you couldn’t bear to let him go. So why permit this to carry on?

You sound so incredibly PASSIVE I want to shake you. You have choices! What do your friends think of it all? Mine would have been packing my bags at the first affair, let alone after multiple and now one that’s eight years long AND STILL GOING ON.

But you are already in an open marriage, surely you see that? Your husband has had a number of affairs and you have never kicked him out or left him. You are now going about your day as normal despite him telling you he has had another partner for the past eight years. A partner he is in love with and calls his best friend. You have permitted all of this, it is exactly an open marriage.

Or at least, for one of you it is.

And I’ve even seen some text messages to her where he’s flat out told her he loves me and respects me greatly for being the mother of his kids. Granted what follows after that is him telling her he loves her, in love with her and she’s his best friend but to me that’s a load of crap because to me his actions speak volumes.

Op please. Your bar is so low. He says he loves you but he says he is in love with her and she's his best friend. His actions do speak volumes - he has a girlfriend he has made plans with. Not many women would put up with a man whose actions including openly having a girlfriend!

Please for your own sake raise your bar.

You are trying to convince yourself of what you want to believe and no one is going to change your mind. It doesn’t matter how many people point out he loves only himself, that he’s using you because it suits him, and being nice to you , taking you out, maintains the status quo he likes. You would not be so compliant if he refused you nights out, so he agrees. I’m sure he enjoys himself, too, but that does not mean he loves you or will dump her for you.
If she goes, by his choice or hers, he will find a new supply.
I would not believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
He is a user of women and you’re all just playing along and stroking his ego.

He wants the comfortable home and respectability that comes with marriage to you

and he wants his side piece, too

So if you like how things are now, fine but don’t expect to have him to your self. A man who loved you would not have a side chick

OP
What do YOU want?
Start thinking and writing it down.
Enough about him.

Because she needs to hear what he says so she can live in reality and not in this situation she is creating of wondering why he’s with her. If he loves her etc. she needs to hear the truth

why on earth is it shit advice to suggest the OP communicates so she can start understanding the reality of her situation

@Doesheloveme4377

Effectively, you are in an open marriage.

Does he love you - I am sure. Does he have feelings for his mistress - also clearly he does, as he has been with her for 8 years. It's all complicated and is a mess.

I do feel sorry for all 3 of you:

...You got pregnant too early, and were forced to go into a relationship that defined your life. Sadly - you didn't have a chance to find a partner who'd be better suited for you on all levels - not only as a co-patent and friend. Intimacy is a big part of a relationship, but yours died too soon.
...Your H did the "right thing" and married the mother of his child. But that prevented him from finding a partner that suited him better. And he ended up having to outsource intimacy, that normally is part of a relationship. He didn't chose this set-up, it happened. And he continues to be the "good guy" and stay. But, as is inevitable, he did develop feelings for the woman he's been intimate with for a long time already.
...The woman in question must really love your H too. And it's sad. It's not an easy place to be.

Why is he staying - probably a combination of reasons. Long connection, history, family, assets to separate. Separating after years of playing happy marriage for years will be hard to explain to friends and family. And he clearly cares about how he is perceived. And, in general - he is the guy who does the "right thing". On that basis - I don't know how he'll divorce you.

Your husband may love you to nest of his capability.
He seems be using his girlfriend as a human tissue.
He likes creating a false impression online.

A man who wants two women fighting over him isn't worth fighting for. End of.

So 8 years ago h told her of ow, wife excepted this along as h did not embarrass her, wife's words,
So now wifey needs a chat with h , after putting up with this for 8 years, lying to friends and family??
So - h need a word re situation with your girlfriend ,
H- what's your problem now after 8 years, we agreed, and now you have a problem,??

Wonder how that conversation will go,

One way conversation from wife- h this does not work for me anymore am divorcing you,

That's it, the ' do you love me more than girlfriend ' no no no, why ask the question, they for some reason agreed to this situation 8 years ago by op staying,

She hasn't known for 8 years. He told her in the last year or so.

Just a question even ‘IF’ you are right and the vast majority on here are wrong and he does LOVE you more than this girlfriend of his, why on earth do you think what he is doing to her is ok?

If what you are saying is the truth he has strung along another woman (who also loves him, arguably as deeply as you do) for 8 years, a woman who he is thereby using just for sexual gratification because you don’t have a physical relationship.

That shows a horrendous side to this man. Can you not objectively see that?

I don’t have much sympathy for other women, I really struggle with it. But this drama triangle is toxic, two women being completely (KNOWINGLY) used and a man gaining hugely from their battle for his affections.

I’m actually disgusted by him? And you should be too.

do you really want to win this “prize husband”??!!

This.

However you spin it, he's not something a self respecting woman wants to "win".

Well, in 5 years they will when he moves in with OW. Because he's just waiting for your 13-year old to become an adult so he won't feel guilty about splitting up a family with kids. If you want to earn your pride and agency back you do it right now. Sometimes I can't believe how low standards some women have.

With respect, your life sounds very sad.
You've been with your husband your whole of your adult life, seem to find staying in this marriage as an achievement and don't seem to have much going on.
You haven't had sex/pleasure since your late teens, save for a bit more for baby making purposes, but you're missing out on a massive part of being an adult. Maybe you feel happy with that, but you don't know what you're missing in terms of intimacy and pleasure - it gets better as you get older and it gets better post-marriage (in my experience).
The love you think you have with your husband is pathetic really, there's so much more out there. To experience, to achieve, to live. And your youngest will be an adult soon, so maybe you'll start then!
And i agree with PP your situation sounds like there are cultural challenges. You'd feel embarassed if you separated, as if your culture has engrained that you have something to be embarrassed about that your husband has cheated on you for the majority of the marriage. That shame lies with him and i hope his children learn of it soon.

He's obviously going to tell her what he wants her to hear not the actually truth so it is terrible advice.
OP needs to gain some self respect and kick him out and start a divorce, the issue is shes let it go on for so many years that its become normal for her so now she cant bring herself to do it.
I bet if she told him shes getting a boyfriend he'd soon change his tune