Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

Winning what? Tell us how this is a competition and how you are winning? The only one who is winning is him.

I'm sure he has some form of love for you but also for the other women. If he is obligation driven, do you think he might divorce you once the youngest is 18? Is there a lot of money at stake if you divorce? I think if he was purely motivated to stay for the costs of divorce he wouldn't do all the extra nice things. I don't think he wants to be the bad guy and divorce you.

Believe in actions not words.

Totally agree

Wait, so you haven’t had sex for 13 years? He’s waiting to go. He probably told you in the hope you would end things because he doesn’t have the guts to do it himself.

I thought that,but then why do nice things for the whole family? The ones biding their time are usually too resentful and bitter about it that they don't do any nice gestures or extras beyond polite enough for the kids eg birthday present for mum but not a whole weekend celebration, a valentines day card but not a big outing.

I think he enjoys family life and being the family man. He just wants a hot romance on the side. Probably sees them as totally separate things.

OP never answered the questions around how he told her and why, whether she had asked him to stop, etc. It seems as though it barely caused a ripple in their relationship and they just carried on as normal which seems peculiar.

Do you (or have you been - in the last 15 years) wanting to have sex with him ? Or are you content in a platonic marriage ?

Not always. My Dad waited around for 10 years. He still took us all out, did the things he’d always done. Then one day, he was gone.
However, My now ex husband was perfectly happy with the situation and would never have left one for another..he wanted it all. The family life and the side pieces. One just unhappy in marriage..and since it was my mother, I don’t blame him. The other high on the narcissist spectrum

when he told me, I told him I still loved him and to not embarsss me. He then asked me what would be my next move if we were to not live together and I told him. A couple of years prior we were supposed to separate and he was going to help me maintain a second home but that didn’t happen. I thought when we decided not to do that we were ok. But he still has this girlfriend and even with this girlfriend I guess I have decided to test the waters so to speak. So yes I’ve been seeing if he would go out with me, etc and it’s a yes every single time he doesn’t fight or argue or say no , he goes happily. So I thought him telling me he has a girlfriend was true but not serious.

OP said they had not been intimate in years, so presumably he is used to this 'family life' and enjoys it. He has all he wants. A family life and a girlfriend who he is presumably intimate with. They've been together 8 years so clearly isn't a fling.

Why didn’t you separate?

thsts why I think the outings mean he is wanting our marriage. We truly are friends and we get along. We don’t fight. We have disagreements sure but for the most part we have a great friendship. There’s no bitterness. And I’ve even seen some text messages to her where he’s flat out told her he loves me and respects me greatly for being the mother of his kids. Granted what follows after that is him telling her he loves her, in love with her and she’s his best friend but to me that’s a load of crap because to me his actions speak volumes.

Do you think this situation feels OK to you because of how you were brought up or what you believe relationships should be like? Are you from a religious background or have very traditional values? I'm just trying to understand how you're making sense of this.

"A couple of years prior we were supposed to separate and he was going to help me maintain a second home but that didn’t happen"

Why didn't it happen?

Have you seen a lawyer about what will happen to you financially when he leaves?

its So many responses, thank you everyone. Want to add context, I responded to someone with this:

when he told me, I told him I still loved him and to not embarrass me. He then asked me what would be my next move if we were to not live together and I told him. A couple of years prior we were supposed to separate and he was going to help me maintain a second home but that didn’t happen. I thought when we decided not to do that we were ok. But he still has this girlfriend and even with this girlfriend I guess I have decided to test the waters so to speak. So yes I’ve been seeing if he would go out with me, etc and it’s a yes every single time he doesn’t fight or argue or say no , he goes happily. So I thought him telling me he has a girlfriend was true but not serious.

for photos, I pose romantically he obliges, I kiss him, he obliges. These aren’t kid based things. Just to give more information on why I’ve thought he wants our marriage.

I am curious, if you wanted to - would he still engage in intimacy with you? This may be what he is getting from the OW

I’m sorry OP. I am struggling to believe that English is your first language and as such that you are a Caucasian American.

You’re kidding yourself. There are no arguments because you’re no longer in a dynamic that would generate arguments - you’ve accepted your non-romantic, non-exclusive situation and he’s getting the best of both worlds - a housekeeper/nanny and a more exciting relationship where she’s not having to do all the boring stuff. IMO you haven’t come here to “understand” your marriage, you’ve come here to try to convince us, to make yourself feel safer. You’re not safe. You’re on borrowed time. If he doesn’t leave you for THIS woman, he will leave you for someone else. Because he no longer thinks of you that way and almost certainly never will again. Sorry. But if you stay in this position, do it with your eyes open and don’t be surprised as and when it happens.

We had to move out of our previous home fast into another place so we made the move together work for our children. We were on a very tight time frame. Looking for two homes was impossible at that time.

I have to brutal, I am sorry, because you are not taking on board plenty of plain-speaking posts on here.

He wants his cake and to eat it, and you are giving it to him.

Why would he rock the boat when he has two women running around after him? Of course he will put on a show when it favours him - hence your birthday.

If he truly loved you, he wouldn't have had an affair for eight years. If he truly loved you, he would commit himself to you. If he truly loved you, he would be with you and you alone.

He is doing just enough to keep you on his side. And your 'just enough' seems to be only pitted against this other woman, rather than looking at what you want.

If you're happy to share then share - which is what you are doing.

But don't delude yourself into thinking you are 'winning' in any way here. You are a timeshare and you have no clue what he is saying to her about you.

I am sorry to be brutal, but I think you need to hear it, as you are in candyfloss land my love, you really are.

With kindness @Doesheloveme4377 , he loves and respects you in a non romantic way.

I would be crushed if my partner told another woman that he was in love with her.

Born in Michigan and moved to Florida at 7. Been here since. US of A . What does me being white and American have to do with anything. I’m writing how I’m thinking in the moment. I’m not going to speak on this forum like I do with my patients while I’m at work or somewhere else. This is a crazy comment to me.

What are you actually saying here, as it seems like a bunch of nothing.

Is it not more that you just don't want to uproot your life, and will rather it just carry on this way. There is no love here, it is just companionship.

If you are happy to live this way, go for it. But he is going to pull the plug sometime, as this marriage is not a marriage, just a show.