Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

If I were you I’d put all this ‘does he love me’ stuff to the side atm and think about practicals like finances and your own life.
Have you got a job or means of income?
Have you got your own friends/support system?
If you were to split, do you know what assets he has?
have you had an honest conversation with him about what the future looks like?
You need to start thinking about you and your own life. He is I’d bet.

Sorry you've never experienced being with a decent guy and don't seem to know any.

Plenty of men are arseholes, I'm not denying that. But infantilising them all with this generalisation that they can't help themselves is embarrassing for all parties.

You know what someone can do if they aren't happy with their sex life within a marriage? End the marriage. A perfectly reasonable option. If a decent bloke is really unhappy with his sex life in a marriage and has tried to fix it by communicating openly, making the effort to work on the relationship etc etc and there's no change and the lack of sex is affecting his mental health then he can end the relationship to pursue others. Rather than shagging someone else without his wife's knowledge or against her wishes.

You really mustn't know any good men at all.

Get yourself some self respect! Or a boyfriend on the side seeing as your DH is very comfortable with this.

Tbh if he does not have any sex with you and enjoys it with another woman you need to ask yourself:
Are you ok with this open marriage?

Bcs no sane person with sex drive would leave shag partner of 8 years to get back to no sex at all.
If you want him for yourself would need to work a lot on intimacy.

@AngelicKaty "I have a friend here in the UK who experienced very similar. Her husband had been having a long-term affair (more than 10 years) before she found out, but once she did, she also "tolerated" it (she was a SAHM, felt financially vulnerable and didn't want to break up the family) and believed that if she played the long game he would eventually get bored with the OW and end it. They carried on with all the outward appearances of a happy family (including him having sex with her!) ...After about 15 years, my friend suggested they do something as a family which essentially would necessitate him having to choose between her and the OW (I can't go into detail as it would be too outing) - he chose the OW"

My mother also thought that it was the right choice to make this bargain with the devil - i.e. sacrificing her self-esteem and self-respect to "keep the family together". He left her shortly after she had a nearly fatal heart attack at 43 (caused by years of stress from him, imv), shortly after I - the youngest - did my finals. She was not only physically and mentally debilitated, he also left her poor as a church mouse and made sure she would get none of his pensions.

You are in terrible financial DANGER, OP. See a lawyer ASAP.

Your post sounded to me like there must be cultural implications but you say not - American caucasian, no stigma around divorce.
I know people who settle for very poor family situations, I know it creeps up on you slowly and it becomes so long since you were last independent that you have forgotten how or lost your confidence.

But you are accepting, openly, the tiny crumbs from his table and clinging to the idea that he actually loves you, whilst most women would just feel openly humiliated and their pride would force them to move on. There are reasons for that you need to explore.
Stay if you want, but be honest with yourself. Don't delude yourself that he stays because he loves you. It could be laziness, financial meanness, a feeling he doesn't want to be with the OW, social acceptability, parental pressure, cowardice, desire to be close to his kids - any of a million reasons - but it's not love. He's openly humiliating you, he's selfish and it is likely that he'll eventually meet someone he does love and he'll be off. And you'll be left thinking you've wasted your life, the only life we get and you could have been making so much more of it instead of just sweeping up these sad crumbs. Don't waste it and don't set that example to your children.

Cake.
And eat it.

He took you out on Valentine's Day but there wasn't an ounce of romance about it. He took the family so that it wasn't just the two of you.

He will stay until the teenager (who is his actual reason for staying) leaves home.

This is a terrible example to set your dcs. When the truth comes out they will think their whole childhood was based on lies and that will impact on their own ability to have successful relationships. Is this really what you want for them?

Going against the grain here, but I think it’s highly possible he loves you both, just in different ways. I’m a woman but I do get this.

He also loves his children. For most men, divorcing means they don’t get to live with their children all the time, so he doesn’t want to do that.

If you’re prepared to put up with it and you’re both happy then I guess it’s fine.

If it’s making you miserable then you’ll have to change it.

Yes you are racist, what a vile post you made including the doubling down when you found she wasn’t Asian.

Yep, totally this. He doesn’t love you and he probably doesn’t love the OW. I’d hazard a guess that the only person he loves is HIMSELF!

I don’t mean to sound abrupt but you come across as delusional and extremely naive.

I sincerely hope this post is a wind up.

Wow. Why would he leave. He’s stringing 2 woman about. Loving his life. Seeing his kids. Having sex and no commitments as such

literally having his cake and eating it

are you happy @Doesheloveme4377 ?

I couldn’t be in your position

I danno, I’d be pretty happy if I could have a hot boyfriend and the husband at home not making a fuss about it. I wouldn’t leave DH but I also wouldn’t be setting up a business etc with my boyfriend. If I was making those kinds of plans it would be because I was planning to leave at some point.

Sounds like he loves you and your life together but your relationship has developed into more of a sibling relationship rather than a marriage.
Only you know if you want to continue the relationship as it is, if not you either split up or work on putting your marriage back together without a third party involved.
Good luck OP I wish you well.

Not sure why you think you are "winning". He's been with her for a fair while, has sex with her and not with you. Don't forget he discussed vasectomy with her and not with you. He's biding his time and playing Mr Nice Guy while he does that

He loves the children you’ve had together, he loves the lifestyle that you’ve created between you, he loves his position in society, BUT he has zero respect for you, your children, your extended family and the OW!
How long before either you or the OW wakes up and says enough is enough. He would have been out of my life the minute he told me he was shagging someone else. FFS OP have some self respect and show him the door.

While I can't imagine staying in this for 8 years under these terms, to answer your question, I have found a lot of men are resilient to or live in fear of change. I also find a lot of men enjoy the comforts/benefits of marriage no matter how unhappy they may be in the marriage, meaning even if they are no longer in love with their wives, they enjoy having someone tend to their children, cook for them, clean up, etc. There is also the reality that divorce is expensive. All this to say that time and time again, I see men having a woman on the side and not making any moves to actually leave their wives. They even treat their wives like crap often times, but when it comes to the actual leaving, usually the wife has to give them the boot!

This is wrong and delusional thinking. He has all areas of his life serviced for cheap. Why would he do anything to disrupt that. If you get very ill and needed him, he would be gone like a long dog.

You are washing his pants, she is dragging them off him. Is this really you?

This is a tough situation and I can understand why it feels hard to make sense of it all. One thing that might be worth reflecting on is what it means for him to ‘love’ you. You said you’ve not had sex for a long while, are you intimate in other ways eg talking about things that are meaningful to you with vulnerability? As it stands, it sounds to me like he cares for you, he ‘loves’ you as a family member. But he is not in love with you and is looking for physical intimacy (and maybe emotional intimacy?) elsewhere. So it depends what it is you want. He ‘loves’ his wife in one type of way but ‘loves’ the girlfriend in another type of way. So he’s not choosing, he’s having it all.
If you are ok with being loved by your husband in this more platonic way, alongside him having a girlfriend, then carry on as you are. But I worry that he and the girlfriend will make plans and at some point he will leave, leaving you high and dry.
It sounds like you are passively responding to what he is doing and I think you are feeling stuck because your gut is telling you he is trying to have his cake and eat it but your heart sees moment of care/affection and you are reluctant to disrupt what you have as the alternative is unknown and likely scary.
Take your time to work things out for you. What would happen if you got a boyfriend for example? Would you want to? If not, why? If yes, why? What does it mean to you for your husband to love you? How do want to see your life going forward? eg in five years, ten years?
Just some thoughts and I hope this helps.
Best wishes

What's the weather like in Egypt today? I'm asking because you are clearly in denial.

He will leave the moment your youngest gets to the age where child support is no longer payable. Then you'll be up shit creek without a paddle.

You are his housekeeper and nanny, nothing more. He stays because it’s cheaper than formally employing a live in housekeeper and nanny and your expectations are so low, you go along with it.

He's not staying for you, he's staying for your kids. When the youngest turns adult/leaves home your husband will leave you as well. He just doesn't want the messiness of a divorce while there are children involved. He'll have sold this to the other woman as well, and she's hanging on fmwaitung for the day to come. Once your youngest turns 18 she'll probably start pressuring your husband harder to finalise his marriage - his excuse not to will have expired.

Also it's not him that's staying with you. It's you that's staying with him - he's told you he's been having an affair, and made it clear he's in a long term relationship with another woman, and you've chosen to stay with him and accept it. So it's not him thats staying, it's you. This must be the longest, most futile 'pick me' dance in history.

He's consulted a lawyer and been told to stay until the youngest is 18 when you'll have next to no claim on his assets, pension etc.
He loves her not you.
He is still there for your child, not you.
Wake up before you end up penniless and completely shafted. He is not going to choose you. He's begging her not to end it, he's not begging you to go back to a sexual relationship.

So he married you and has stayed with you because 'it's the right thing to do' - so basically out of obligation. His girlfriend is right, his relationship with you is a performance to make him look like a good guy that 'does the right thing'.

If you're happy to be with a performing seal who had sex with other people behind your back for years - and is now doing it right under your nose - then I really don't think there's any problem here.

Why did you suddenly stop having sex so young? It was bound to lead to problems but does not excuse his behaviour.

Gosh OP, you are not winning. Your husband is sleeping with someone else. It's depressing you think you're winning in any way, you're being cheated on. And what's worse is you know about it so you don't even have your dignity. He's treating you appallingly and the fact you're accepting it shows you've little to no self respect or esteem. Try take on board what people are saying and gather a little self worth.