Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

He is doing it for the kids and the fact it’s cost a fortune to get rid of u, as soon as the kids are old enough he’ll dump u and u’ll wonder y u have been so stupid and not seen it.
Get yourself a decent solicitor and get rid of him.

You say he is staying for you but it sounds like he is there for your child are you sure the plan isnt wait until that child has left home and then he leaves for her

Another American here. Sorry to be blunt, but what on earth are you thinking? He is, in all likelihood, waiting until your youngest is 18 to leave. You are not "winning," you are telling yourself comfortable falsehoods to cope with a horrifying reality.

He's already checked out of the marriage. He gets all of his sexual and emotional needs met by another woman and is planning a future with her, not you. You need to accept the reality that your marriage is over and stop playing happy families on social media and in your mind. That man is on his way out, he's just too much of a coward to tell you.

You are worth more than this. Stop accepting his crumbs and start dealing in reality. I know it's hard but so is living a constant lie until he finally dumps you. You only get one life. It's time to start living it on your terms.

How was the conversation where he told you about it? What prompted him to come clean and how did you react?

You sound so very matter of fact when you talk about it I’m wondering were you upset and angry when you first heard? Was he ashamed when he was telling you? Did he promise to break it off with the other woman?

Or did he just tell you this is how it is and you said OK and agreed to it continuing?

Like other posters I am wondering if there is a cultural element to this and you didnt feel you could even object to his having a mistress. Especially as you mention he had cheated on multiple previous occasions too.

Edited - have just seen your post that there is no cultural element. In which case I’m just baffled.

@Alltheyellowbirds

How was the conversation where he told you about it? What prompted him to come clean and how did you react?

It sounds as though it was at the OW's instigation.

It's not clear how much discussion goes on and how much is OP snooping

I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK THAT THIS POSR CANNOT BE REAL..IT'S JUST TO SPUR COMMENETS/INTEREST..ANYONE?

I am not saying the man is a saint, but he seems to be communicating quite clearly with the OP (now). He has told her he doesn't love her and (eventually) told her about the OW. He's not exactly being secretive. He may be assuming that she will read between the lines that one day he will go off with the OW - he really needs to spell this out to her because she doesn't want to hear it.

Like others I am wondering what OP's reaction was when he confessed.

If I had had a long term sexless marriage, on my terms, and my OH told me that he had an OW, I am not sure how I would react.

Agree op hasn't posted anything since 10.30 this morning, not sure of time difference am in uk, but not replying to msg like, do you work, have you got good support, can you financial leave,
Yet on reflection of original post, op not really asking about ow, she's only asking ' if husband loves her' because he stays around '

Only this thread has taken off, with ' the ow' why' how can you allow this' that ' 8 years , quite rightly as we don't or struggle to understand op,

I don't think it's genuine in all honesty as I have really struggled to understand it , hope it's not true for the op,
But God if it is,

I dont have it wrong at all, obviously i expect my partner to meet my needs too, we communicate these things and after almost 2 decades out life is as happy and sex as often as the year we met.
you say he should leave if but if you've got a good man hes not going to leave his kids behind but you can't expect him to be sneaking around wanking like a teenager, men struggle to sleep and function when they dont get their needs met and will eventually give in to their desires so fulfill them its not difficult

Sadly, some of us are. Apart from having invested so much time into a relationship. Money and everything is so entwined. The guy makes us feel so special sometimes, and lies…god he lies..but we don’t believe he’s lying because he cries tears as he vows he would never cheat, loves us , can’t believe we would think it of him. Of course it is lies and he does eventually admit some of it …a minimum…but we can’t leave..we still hope he’ll be our prince again. And in my case, he had 150k of my money and I wasn’t leaving without at least some of it and that took time. But we do hope she’ll get lost and he realises we are the one, The One he’s always said we were.
Yes, we are stupid, but have been brainwashed, gaslit, conned for years and our brains turned to mush. It takes time to get our self back and to get ducks in a row.
Some never do.

It’s not just about sex. We were shagging 2 or 3 times a day, every day…/ night. He still had at least 3 concurrent girlfriends . It’s ego. And viagra 🤣

No, he discusses with you and if you can no longer be in a fulfilling relationship on both sides, you end it.

You don't have sex you don't want just to keep a man. That's hideous thinking.

Also, all this "men can't sleep and function without sex" stuff is utter nonsense. Those not in a long term relationship have the same "needs" as those in them, but can't just go around coercing people into fulfilling them so they sleep.

@Slither1234 have sex with your partner if you want to. Don't if you don't. It doesn't justify cheating if one of you doesn't want as much sex as the other. I can only presume that you've always actually wanted to have sex with your partner, which makes you very lucky.

You might be right. But there are women in this situation who might find it and get something from the comments. Hopefully realisation they are wasting their lives away

He’s still with you because you’re tolerating the situation and haven’t asked him to leave.

we have adults and the last one is 13.

This is a surprising post.

I think you are hoping in vain that he cares about you. The OW is not nothing if they have been together for 8 years - that's a long-term relationship within your marriage.

It is quite possible that he will leave as soon as your teenager has grown up and left home. Then he no longer needs to keep up the appearance because the children are grown up. If you are happy to carry on in this marriage then I would suggest you get your affairs in order so that when he eventually goes off with the OW you will have some money and can look after yourself financially/have a home of your own.

you need to make a plan for your future life

It's been eight years. How long are you going to hang about. Why dont you have sex with your husband. He maybe lives with you. But there's no respect there.

What's keeping you there with a man who wants to shag the other woman and not you.

Why on earth do we have to insult hurt, traumatised women as though being insulting and cruel is going to wake them up?

@Doesheloveme4377 you sound like you’ve been slowly boiled after his previous infidelity to just accept the status quo. It’s a hard slog to rip rose tinted glasses off and topple this nasty predictable boring cheat off his pedestal.

But you can put yourself first.

If putting yourself first involves staying because that works financially and security wise then fine but you still need to have a clear and safe exit strategy.

You matter. You deserve more. But only you can set those boundaries.

I've read some bizarre stuff on MN, but this one takes the biscuit.

Why on earth are you putting up with this shit? I can't believe you've let it go on for EIGHT years!

Stop kidding yourself. You're not winning anything. This selfish arsehole doesn't love you. He just loves himself and his nice easy cushy life. He plays the role of husband in public for everyone else's benefit, not you. So of course that would involve taking you out for your birthday and other stuff.

He's having his cake and eating it, and laughing all the way to the bank because you're letting him instead of filing for divorce. I wouldn't put up with such disrespectful behaviour.

Stop being such a doormat, find your self respect and dump him. And make sure you take him for every penny you can.

Is he waiting til the kids are a certain age that he won't be paying for them?

You have 5 years @Doesheloveme4377

He’s waiting til the youngest is an adult, then he’ll be off. Sorry but you’re kidding yourself.

You also have a valid point, actually.
Op @Doesheloveme4377 I really feel sorry for you: you deserve better than this kind of "marriage". This is not love :((

No I’m afraid he doesn’t love you, but needs to keep you from kicking of in order to not lose money in a divorce/maintain an image for friends and family/doesn’t want the children to find out. The social media etc is overcompensating because he knows he’s having his cake and eating it.