Husband cheating on me..but he still is with me..

[Doesheloveme4377]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling to understand what’s really going on in my marriage and could use some perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated my birthday in a big way. He planned multiple things and he posted several photos and videos of me/us on his social media with loving captions.

But here’s where it gets complicated.
He has a long-term girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a while now. They’ve been involved emotionally and physically for 8 years. And while things between him and I haven’t been physically intimate in a long time, he still lives with me, does things for me, and plays the role of a husband in public.
Now I’m sitting here trying to process all of this. He did all these things for me this weekend the social media posts, the public events, the time together with family.

He even told her he’s not in love with me. But he’s still here, taking me out, acting like we’re married, helping with the kids, doing “husband” things. He’s also told he about her but he was vague. He just told me he has a girlfriend and have been seeing her for awhile.

So here’s my question to :
Does my husband actually love me based on his actions last weekend? Or does he love his girlfriend and was just playing the part with me to avoid fallout or look good in public?

today is Father’s Day and he’s just been with us at home, no her! I looked at his phone and she called and texted him but he has ignored her for me!

To those that said look into polyamory, open marriage. This is not an option. I’m not that.

I know alot of you said I lack self esteem, I’ve known him more than half of life so you can maybe see why I’m struggling here.

@Doesheloveme4377 The outings are with family he doesn’t what you romantically hence why half the family gets taken out for Valentine’s Day .
OP your head is in the clouds. He will leave you one day and you won’t be prepared and be left on your backside financially.

Why are we all still having g this conversation with you.

you need to get some self respect and leave him. He is going to leave you in 5 years anyway when your child is 18 and goes off to college…why waste the next 5 years of your life?

get rid of him, get as much money as you can so you are able to look after yourself, and then live your life. Stop letting this man walk all over you, it is ridiculous, genuinely ridiculous

So you stayed together for the kids? And haven't separated since, presumably still for the kids in his mind.

You didn't work on the issues that led to the separation. You moved together because of necessity and it just faded into the background in the chaos.

Have you asked him outright if he wants to separate at any point? If he still wants to remain as is forever? I note he's told you he's no longer in love with you, which is a very honest statement. If he was unsure, he would have said "of course I still love you" while panicking about what to do next.

I’ve seen this “bad guy” theme in text to her. He says he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. My husband also isn’t a talker in that way. He avoids conflict at all cost. When things happen, we really don’t discuss, it’s kind of an automatic we move on.

He's not choosing you, he's choosing the kids.

He most definitely doesnt love you or he wouldn't have a 'girlfriend'.

My bet is he'll leave you once your youngest is an adult.

Have you read how PP are responding to what you are saying? Presumably you came to an anonymous forum on the internet to get some insight into your situation and find out if others can bring a different perspective. Resoundingly, we have. You are deluding yourself. If you are happy to be in this "marriage" while your child is still living at home, that's cool. But don't kid yourself it's a marriage or that he loves you and wants to be there. He wants to be there for the kid and not because of his relationship with you. That, in itself, I suspect is common but people do it with their eyes open. It is highly likely (unless something catastrophic happens to his health, at which point you will become his carer) that he will leave when your youngest leaves home. If you are planning for that (either individually or together) and you won't be suprised or financially in trouble when you find yourself in your 60s and single, then all good, crack on. The story you are telling yourself that his actions show that he wants to be in the marriage, though, is fiction and you are not doing yourself any favours by believing it.

I think the key thing here is that you say he obliges when you kiss him or pose for a romantic photo.

If he wanted this, he would instigate rather than obliging you. This sounds like he is doing this out of duty to keep the happy family pretence up. I am sorry but he is taking you for a fool.

I truly do take stock in that and maybe that’s one of my problems

He’s had this girlfriend for 8 years so it doesn’t seem a load of crap, he loves her. He doesn’t love you as a wife and definitely is not in love with you. He might love you like a friend/sister but that’s not exactly a good type of love from a husband to a wife. He’s obviously a selfish man to do this, is he quite spineless? Maybe he wants best of both worlds. He isn’t treating you to dates and birthday meals etc because he loves or cares for you he is doing that for his children’s sake, to keep up appearances to them and family, it has nothing to do with making you happy

In s strong relationship, your self-esteem grows and isn't flattened. But all of your posts show you that you don't seem to have any respect for yourself.

I think it is nuts that you are putting up with this. It's a horrible situation - you don't like it and yet you persist and still have the means to change to - i.e. leave.

You make all sorts of excuses for why this shit show of a situation is 'fine' but I don't think you have ever looked at what it is doing to your core - to your sense of self, of trust, of what maintains your own integrity.

You are forgiving an adulterer over and over and over again. Divorce is hard on kids - I am a child of divorce - but a million times better than living in this fake fantasy world that you seem to be constructing to forgive him his betrayal.

He has betrayed you in the worst way and you seem to continually seek reasons to forgive him based on hugely superficial critieria - i.e. he was nice to me on my birthday - eight years of adultery. Please wake up.

When he told you he had a girlfriend he was saying she was his priority - you could either suck it up and live in a poly relationship, or you could leave. You chose poly by default.

Get yourself a boyfriend and see how he likes that.
If you asked him to choose, he’d choose her or rather, he wouldn’t choose you on your terms, and you know that. 😔

I’ve been with my husband since just before my 18th birthday and I’m now 67. But the fact that I’ve spent my entire adult life with him would be totally irrelevant if I ever found that he had cheated on me in any way, at any time during our relationship. If I ever found evidence that he had been intimate with another woman, I would have thrown him out the same day because I have self respect. I felt just as strongly about this before we had children, when I had a young child and was a stay at home mum, and now that we’re on our own again in later life. When we got married we took vows to be faithful to each other for the rest of our lives and we took them seriously. Yes it would have been difficult to start again as a single parent but it would have been a thousand times easier than having to live the sort of ridiculous and deluded life that you are living.

Do any of your friends and family know what a fool your husband has been making of you for all these years? How can you let yourself be humiliated by your husband and his bit on the side every single day of your life? They must laugh about how you let them get away with this every time they are together.

You are not in a polyamorous relationship, but your husband is, and has been for 8 years.

@Growlybear83 It would be highly unlikely that none of OPs friends and family members know about the husband's mistress of 8 years! In fact OP posting all those romantic photos on social media may be making her look rather foolish.

Why is what he says in messages about you true. For instance loves and respects you as the mother of his children. But not true when he writes that she is his best friend and he is in love with her?
You can't have it both ways.
He sounds like he really doesn't want people to see him as a bad guy especially his children. So sticking with you in a fake marriage until he gets the courage to leave is probably his plan.
You really need to plan for when that happens . Especially if you are not going to leave him .
Stop faking your life for social media. Its not good for anyone longterm. You have just created this false naritive of your life that one day your children will realise was a load of rubbish.
Also the example you both are setting them. That cheating and lying to everyone is fine .

They say that men cheat to stay and women cheat to leave.

In other words, men fell duty bound to honor their promise made at marriage, don’t want to dessert their responsibilities especially when kids are involved. But they don’t want to be there even if they can’t bring themselves to leave. They might make a show of it but it is all fake. He will be telling the girlfriend what he really thinks and feels, because he chooses her freely, he does not feel duty bound. He has checked out of your marriage. It’s now all a performance.

Without her as his release and outlet, he couldn’t bear being in the marriage with you,

You have no respect for yourself if you kid yourself into believing he stays because he picks you. You must be content with this situation which means you are happy to eat his crumbs. Talk about “pick me” girl. LTB

They do not know. I would be embarrassed. Honestly which is why I do post the photos sometimes, I don’t want any of them to think of us as anything other than ok.

But you know it's childish, naive and immature to create a social media facade don't you? I'm not being mean but you seem to be a grown woman who can't see what is in front of your face. I'm bowing out now as none of my advice is hitting home, so it's just me wasting my breath and I can just see you carrying on with this nonsense for years to come - he has behaved appalling and done very badly by you, but at some point in your future you will have to equally acknowledge how you have enabled all of this over time as well as the unhappiness that is bound to come... probably when your kids leave home. Please talk to to someone in real life about this who knows you and who won't let you put your head in the sand. If you were my family member we would be having crisis talks right now about how this situation is absolute lunacy.

He is keeping the appearances with you and posible he loves the kids his way.
I would leave him.

Maybe it's an American thing OP you seem ok with this arrangement

Poor kids....trust me they know....and what a awful example of relationship you are both giving them....ps...it doesn't matter if you been together 5 day's months years or forever....it is not love!!!!

But you are not ok.

Why do you want to lie to your friends and family rather than hold your head high and accept their love and support?

Does it matter what he wants, what do you want? Do you want to be married to a man with a gf? Could you ask him to attend couples counselling. It sound as though there is very little communication in your relationship. Have you ever asked him why. Would you want a physical relationship again. You sound like you have separated emotions from the questions. Most people would have kicked him out. Or played him at his own game. But you are wondering if you are winning this game. In your situation I would need to know everything. If/when he plans to leave so you are financially prepared.

Oh op your enabling him by doing this, so your know this is wrong as you said you're would be embarrassed if your friends or family know your living this way, your husband has a mistress for 8 years which you have enabled by agreeing to this way by not standing up him, and leaving,