I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

"Zero payout for now, apparently it's going to take some time"

Sounds like the Cousin fucked up and wanted you to stlll be there supporting him with your higher earnings. No wonder he was so annoyed that you left.

or maybe a bit of guilt tripping? Might not even be accurate/true. Some time might mean a month?

Well if you are communicating it might be a chance for you to get your Teddy back. You said you had a friend in the area, could you ask her to collect it?

It's no wonder the new accomodation feels strange and like its a step down.. but don't forget, this is early days and you have a good amount of work on, which must help. Things will get better. x I'd much rather be in Brighton for the winter with friends and all the stuff going on than feeling lonely in a remote area abroad.

I absolutely love Brighton and always will, I love my friends here. But i am wondering whether once ive caught my breath it might be a good idea to think about moving on, as while Im satisfied with my income, it isn't enough to have decent housing here. Im not going to make any snap decisions while everything's so fresh, but its something im thinking about already :) Which is a good sign i think, im already trying to imagine what I would like life by myself to look like going forward

Penetrating your cock sounds painful Matt. Take care of yourself x

I joined a coworking space and also a gym, I did my first gym session yesterday 😊
I also did a food shop with lots of nourishing stuff, although ive been really lucky as a lot of people have cooked for me! I havent had to make myself a dinner yet! Been eating three meals a day, before I was eating one super carby meal in the evening only. Wine is still featuring too heavily in my life but still, its less than it was.
I have a lot of good stuff lined up for this weekend.

It feels so good to actually have weekend plans. Before, my weekends were just the same as my week days: nothing happened.

Oh dear Matt's not a happy boy Op 😂.Getting back to you, I'm not surprized you're finding it hard to let go, 8 years is a long time but better 8 years than 20. I've seen far too many women on here who put off leaving for years and years, suddenly they've been unhappy for decades before waking up. Keep going @PinkImbrella , time really is a great healer

😂👏

The gym and the weekend plans sounds really positive and you have obviously been very proactive with friends and activities, which will definitely pay dividends in the weeks to come. Sadly it seems nothing has changed for your ex partner, he is still just passively responding to your texts, not offering anything new to you.

Hopefully you will feel the need to contact him less and less whilst your new richer life takes root and flourishes.

Have you any idea of where would be a good move for you if Brighton isn't going to work re the housing situation - and you are right Brighton property prices are horrendously expensive?

I feel a bit out of the loop seeing all the deleted "meattbehave" posts! 😂

@PinkImbrella Glad to know you are keeping busy with friends, gym and work. I hope you get your teddy. Have you asked for it to be sent?
I think the sadness will continue to fade as you settle in. It's hard not to idealize the relationship, miss the person etc because it's such s big change and the "what could have been" clouds things. Keep going out, try new things and look after yourself. 💛

Sounds like some down time is a great idea. You've been though a lot and haven't had much space to process.

There are two places on my radar, both quite different!
First is Norwich as im considering doing a PhD there next year.
The second is Lancaster because I have an aunt who I love very dearly there. She also works in a similar field to me, we are very close and shes always on at me to visit more. She's also very ill. I had considered going to live with her a year while I figure stuff out. I just love spending time with her and she makes me feel safe, we also have a great laugh together.
Problem is, i worry that I will have swapped one low-key place for another, one in france for one in England, I worry it will make me think "so why did you leave then, if youre somewhere else with no connections apart from one person?". But i guess my issues with ex went well beyond location really, and I feel confident I could meet some good people in Lancaster.
There's also a part of me that thinks "really? You're 38 and you're thinking about moving in with your aunt?".

Matt was a strange combination of boosting my morale while also trying to engage in public cyber sex 🤣
This morning I woke up feeling pissed off at ex. Like, good ti hear from you: any interest in how im doing?
Today I feel even more distanced from him.

@PinkImbrella Lancaster would be wonderful. On the doorstep of the Forest of Bowland, the Lakes and the Yorkshire Dales and only an hours(ish) drive to Manchester and Liverpool if you want some more lively city action.

Staying with your Aunt sounds a nice idea but you got stuck in France for your Ex, if your Aunt got really unwell would you feel obliged to stay and look after her? You got stuck once, be careful not to do it again @PinkImbrella . Could you go stay for a month or two so you have some time together but feel free to move on

No, she has my uncle who looks after her, so I wouldn't be in a carer role!

You sound like you are making great progress.

How much do you want to do the PhD? That would give you a real reason to be somewhere but dreadful if it wasn’t the exact PhD you wanted to commit to.

What do you want from the place you are going? What are the must haves?

I would start with that and go from there.

I.mean that if Liverpool or Manchester would suit you better, they would still be near enough to visit your aunt regularly while building a new set of friends. I wouldn’t move solely for your aunt.

Thank you for your thoughts, my reasoning was that maybe Lancaster could be a good place to go and spend a year getting myself back together, catch my breath financially and just be with family, but still with the idea ive always had which is to buy next summer. And where I buy could be anywhere, including in Liverpool or Manchester if I got to know and like those places after a year in Lancaster.
However I am TOTALLY aware that a lot of stuff has changed in the past 6 weeks and I could just be being super erratic so im going to give it at least a month here before deciding anything. It sucks that the brighton housing situation is so insane.

It’s great that your work allows you the flexibility to be anywhere without having to switch jobs and I can see why both emotionally and financially going to your aunts could be a good plan. Remember, as you rightly say you don’t have to decide today.

You sound practical and resourceful so I am certain you will be fine. Keep reminding yourself how far you have come in just 6 weeks and be proud of that.

I guessed you were in France. I spend a lot of time in a rural area there, and am always struck by how the locals seem to only socialise within their wider family, and rarely travel anywhere beyond the locality. If you're French, that will feel normal, but if you're not it must be incredibly claustrophobic.

The difference is that even if you move to a remote location in the UK, at least you'll be in your home country and it will be on your own terms. If you decide you want to move onto somewhere less remote, you can do so without having to answer to anyone else. So try not to overthink that too much. Good luck and enjoy your new found freedom!

As someone who lost their aunt prematurely, this sounds like a lovely idea to me. You will make precious memories!

Norwich is great @PinkImbrella lots going on, lots to do.