I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Definitely take your time but a year in a low pressure, nurturing home environment where you can try new things, new hobbies, go on bad dates, and find out who you really are, doesn't sound bad to me at all

Lancaster is a lovely small city lots going on the arts sector. Super close the sea still too.

Are there any PhD offerings at UoC or LU that interest you - 2 birds one stone!

Wise to take time to make big decisions.
On a conversational note, I don’t understand preferring Brighton to almost anywhere 😂 Lancaster is lovely. Lancashire much more affordable but great road networks to get anywhere in the country. Ditto Cheshire.
Norfolk …I like too. But Brighton ? 🤢🤮

Liverpool is a magnificent city, so much energy, fun, history - its really proud of itself and has a distinct sense of idenity in its ressurgence. My son was at Uni there (arts degree) and has stayed on to run his design business. V good quality of life, lots of creative people - very close to great beaches (Formby, Crosby, Wirral), North Wales and Chester. Quick to get to London and Manchester. Do you want to buy in a city centre, suburbs or rural? Lots of affordable gorgoeus property on The Wirral - New Brighton would be right up your street very creative community ... and its only a 25 min cycle to Liverpool City Centre.

I would reconnect with your aunt - but be careful you dont get into some (another?) codependent relationship. She would want you to se these critical years (after the 8 you have 'wasted') on refinding you spirit and living life to the max. The texts from your ex sound suffocating and sulky.... same old, same old.

Haha, I know, my mum hates brighton with a passion, she thinks its "trashy" 🤣 Strangely enough, she texted me this morning to say "Why dont you go and stay with Aunt for a year?".

I love Brighton to visit for a few days when the weather is nice outside of peak holiday season. Would not want to live there!

Same. Its so congested with tourists - daytrippers and hen/stag groups - and traffic (not the locals fault) - also never got the 'charm' of the stoney beach. Its probaby great place to live Mon-Fri.

Hi OP I've been following your thread though not really contributing. Strangely enough it popped up in Active two days after I broke up from someone in similar circumstances (me always hoping for permanence and future in the relationship, him still not remotely commiting to a single thing after 5½ years, me ending it finally seeing the light and feeling like a fool) . I'm a bit older than you and I also have a marriage behind me as well as this recently ended relationship, but I am relating to so very much of it and am cheering you on. You sound very strong and I'm trying to be as strong.

Can I also say I'm so encouraged by you writing with evident love for your aunt. One of my "things" is the fact that I don't have children of my own and my future stretching away and "nobodeeee loves me waaaaaaaah 😭". I do have nephews and a niece and I feel more hopeful now of maintaining a loving relationship with them into their adulthood. Hope that doesn't sound weird and hope this doesn't either: pm me if you want to chat with someone who really gets it.

I’m glad you’ve made it back safely, @PinkImbrella, and I hope your Teddy comes home soon, too.
Reading your musings about Brighton, where to live and what to do next, I wonder if you would be considering a PhD at all, in Norwich or anywhere else, if you had stayed with Monsieur le Crapaud? Also, agree with you that you need to draw breath and not make any major decisions yet awhile, whilst you come to terms with your new framework. After my father died, my mother stayed where she was for 5 years before deciding to move from the place they’d retired to together, back to the place where she had lived and worked for most of her life, where she felt more strongly rooted. I’m not saying you should take as long as that, but it is still worth considering not making a hasty decision now.
Good luck!

Hi OP.
From my recollection Lancaster is definitely a party town, I have very fond memories of that place as my niece was at university there. It sounds like your aunt & you are birds of a feather. You could have a fab life.
Norwich is also great. Not a backwater or low-key place. Great for shopping, socialising, plus you can get out into the countryside easily. Fabulous train service and even a semi decent airport. I lived there for a long time after university.

I wish you a lovely life, doing your thing. It sounds like your ex is trying to pull you back to his orbit. I was future faked for close on a decade, by my ex. I blocked him, then changed my number so I didn’t have to put up with more future faking BS from him. He was trying to guilt me back but I had made my decision.

I live in Lancaster so may be biased but it is beautiful

The way I reframed it in my mind when something similar happened, instead of saying it was a waste I instead saw it as growth, as learning, as turning me into the woman I am now. The woman who won’t stand for shit off anyone, who knows her own mind & knows how to achieve what she wants. One who knows how to compromise but more importantly knows when to compromise & when not to. Who has learnt so much over those years that nothing is so scary anymore. That when something happens or changes it’s not the end of the world, I know I can deal with & pick up the pieces. That I’m not afraid of change & can adapt & work with whatever is thrown at me. Believe me, once you get over the initial shock & you’re exactly where you want to be you realise just how strong you really are. So much good luck for the future, you can already tell you’re going to smash it!

Not to derail the topic but - as the closest female, trust me, it happens. I’ve got the tshirt! I read your idea and though “Oh, god, no don’t do that..”

Not sure if anyone has let you know, but you’ve made Facebook via bored panda- I started reading it and recognised it immediately. https://www.boredpanda.com/woman-overheard-boyfriends-parents-criticizing-looks/?utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook&utm_term=bp_803511&utm_campaign=bored-panda&utm_content=image&fbclid=IwQ0xDSwLxrxhleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHm5L7wnLcdo1di-JGWmOyQ5rZ2xD_FwZr_2h5D_0u8lZdnlhmtYBFHyNcMRe_aem_Rjpu6faWPbFCB6Zv1gvSsA

Wrong thread?

Brighton for a bit, then shift to somewhere a bit more 'real life' ish... I do have very fond memories of the year I lived in Lancaster...

You can do as you please, live where you like for six months, a year, whatever floats your boat!

I think a bit of time living with other people who you have a very different relationship with would actually be a really good idea!

Thank you for posting that x

Well, ive spoken to my aunt and its a big green light from her and my uncle! I am now considering heading on up there for a year, until next summer when I can hopefully buy a place and start my PhD. The idea of organising another move feels exhausting to me and I feel a bit foolish for having made this random pitstop in Brighton but I guess all I can tell myself is I did the best I could to organise something, anything, in dire straits!

Don't feel foolish! you removed yourself from the immediate situation to a different country in a really short timeframe. You did amazing! and now you're going somewhere more settled with people who love you with a longer term purpose.

You rock!

Think of its as a spa month or a cleanse. You will have blown away 8 years of cobwebs when you leave.

Ah thank you for your generosity 🥹 And at least this leg should be a cake walk in comparison (touch wood).

You moved @PinkImbrella to where you wanted to be, that's what mattered. Your Ex might think you stayed close to France just incase, he'll have no illusions once your in Lancaster 😃

Wrong link, I assumed that clicking for the link would take me to the correct safari link, it did not!! More fool me! They do have it on their site, just need to locate it again!!

here the correct link! https://www.boredpanda.com/wife-moving-large-city-husband/?cb_rec=djRfMl8xXzJfOTBfMF8xXzBf&wvk=1&fbclid=IwQ0xDSwLxyqZleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHnB7Z99at3NxMnp6ofiUohortgE3ooyHlZWSKRhFjSOnFWYvpYHwzC3h8FBp_aem_qvtS9U92zhfCGxv8EVe37A

Lancaster is fabulous! Close to your aunt, too. And near to the Lakes, so many fabulous places and cities nearby.
I think having time with your aunt will be a great joy for both of you.
Do it!!! Xxx