I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

I am a damp and mould surveyor I see it all the time. The last time I was in Brighton was Easter and we was having diagnosing all the issues we saw with the properties. Tbh I would much rather older properties to newer we know exactly what to do with them. It doesn't cost ripping the house down and starting again. It's all about keeping up with small repairs and keeping it looking bright. The grand hotel is near the sea front it's painted every 5 years or else the sea salts will make it look dull. Hove looks more attractive to live in.

We went to Lancashire worst holiday ever. It's like going backwards in time up there. Absolutely no culture what do ever. It was shocking and I couldn't wait to leave.

They are hippy in Brighton anything goes. I love it when we visit.

Brighton is lovely but it's very expensive to buy a property there.

Only saw Lancaster.

I was thinking that. Why would you leave Brighton to live with an aunt in Lancaster?! When you’re young and single …

😂😂😂😂 not all of the places in Lancashire are the same! Lancaster is certainly not provincial 🤣

I think the Op is having a break mentally and physically in Brighton, and having a nice time catching up with friends and being out and about, but now finds the house prices are high - poss higher than she thought / expected as it was always her hope / intention to buy in around a years time.

I reckon the Op knows property prices will be less in the area Aunt lives in, or in the area where she may study.

and often ' home is where the heart is ' so living with Aunt or near to Aunt may be the best thing for her heart right now.

and I believe tho the Op found somewhere ' suitable ' to move into when leaving France, I think it's not as nice as it could be and she will get ' better ' elsewhere and less expensive too ?

I moved to Brighton because it was cheap and run down and I couldn't afford Haywards Heath near work. Fast forward four decades and it's ... Changed. Very hard to buy here especially if you're starting off. Yes, still a lot of run down Victorian properties; shared / student living isn't good for houses. Loads of flats have been built since lockdown though.

Many friends have moved sideways, to Worthing, Eastbourne, Seaford and the outer edges of Brighton to keep the feel at a lower price.

Lancaster is a refreshing change from many towns and has character. A while since I was last there, but I remember liking the absence of restaurant chains and enjoying some excellent independent restaurants and gourmet pubs. Green spaces and historical interest with interesting museums made for some happy trips. Perhaps not a shopper's paradise but a good branch of Waterstones was all I needed. Sea breezes aren't far away. Admittedly Morecombe is less attractive than many coastal towns but a walk along the seafront can never be all bad, and the views over to Cumbria are magnificent.

I really appreciate all your replies but im not running away from anything. I want to do a PhD and I want to buy a place. I spent years treading water because I naively thought I was going tl be able to build a life with this man. This hasn't worked out now, so I need to crack on and start shaping a life I want.
I spent years living in Brighton so its not a case of having to get the lay of the land or anything. Now that im back I realise that everyone around me has consolidated their lives. They have their flats and homes, and either they are managing to live well because they have a two income household, or because they are having to do crazy workarounds like Airbnb their spare rooms or move into bloody vans and Airbnb their whole places, etc.
I could move out to Worthing, Hastings etc but that doesn't appeal to me.
I dont want to spend a year here treading water and frittering my money away on expensive shit housing and going to pubs, when I know I will be forced to leave in a year anyway. I dont want to spend this year getting poorer and living like a student while everyone around me has their established lives.

I might as well go and spend the year somewhere that is a spacious nurturing environment where I can save a shit load of money, and this weekend I called up a few places in Lancaster and found some great community stuff I can get involved in.

Very clear sighted if you, OP! You make good decisions when you are decisive. I think that is something to be recognized and celebrated. The weight is off your back and you can start your race. Brighton sounds like its a bit played out right now and staying there would feel (and be) precarious and pointless. Keep moving towards your goal!

I understand your reasoning, but shouldn't you be relocating to the place where you'll do your PhD? Otherwise you'll be uprooted again.

Just being nosy really - how would you be able to get a mortgage to buy a home and then fund a PhD - would this be a full-time course?

Some PhDs pay a stipend of more than £30k.

Thought i would give you an update on the actual relationship stuff. Im actually worried whether im a psychopath or something because I spent the first 4 or 5 days welling up at the drop of a hat, and now its been 9 days since I left and all I feel is the faintest tug of nostalgia. Basically, im doing great!
After that weird text about his redundancy admin on fr8day morning, I replied making sympathetic sounds. He then didnt reply anything all weekend. Now he just messaged saying "yeah its shit. How are things?" 🤷‍♀️

I agree. Celebrate that you are at a point where you can choose your path.
Its good that you've reconnected with your friends in Brighton and had time to assess it. It must be hard feeling everyone has consolidated their lives, but its not a race and you have already put yourself on a path to that and can make your own schedule.

Maybe spend a weekend or week in Lancaster to have a good look around and a think. ?
You know what you want, the direction you want to go in, whereever you end up living and The weight is off your back.
I think have faith in your instincts they've served you well thus far.

Either don't reply or 'Fine thanks 😃' and NOTHING else. Do not do the work here. He was well overdue in asking how you were. Don't pander to his victim complex and respond to his 'it's shit' comment. It's on him that it's shit. You don't have to make it better anymore.

Just updating you on that now really because I remember all those years I would hungrily read threads by women in similar situations as I tried to work out my own, so in case you are reading and trying to figure out your own "impossible situation": im sure i will have some major dips but all I can say is ive been quite surprised by the bounceback x

I was thinking about sending a photo of my feet propped up on the beach

You're not a psychopath. I got over a 27 year relationship in a blink of an eye and I'm certainly not one.

Get your Teddy back!

Or 'hot-dog' legs.

You are not over him in 9 days - you have been questioning this unsatisfying relationship for many years if you have been reading MN - you have unconsciously been edging along that diving board for a long time - and 9 days ago you jumped off.

I think you'd almost certainly been detaching from the relationship for a long time, so total time has been a lot more than nine days.

Plus I don't think it's unusual to feel relief and a weight off in similar circumstances.

Fuck! I nearly forgot teddy. Im going to call my friend there this evening and see whether she can do a drive by pickup 😅