I've thrown away 8 years of my life

[PinkImbrella]

Eight years ago I moved to be with my DP in his hometown. I spent eight years feeling hugely frustrated and isolated because he lives in the middle of nowhere. I made it work by twisting myself into knots, finding loads of creative workarounds - luckily my work is entirely remote so I could head off and travel but always tethered by his unwillingness to leave this small town. He kept saying "not now" or "nows not the time". We had loads of arguments about it over the years. The relationship was otherwise loving and supportive.

Two days ago he said "not now" again and I said the time for not nowing is gone, its been eight years. He finally came out with it and said he wouldn't move away from his mother - that its visceral.

Clearly this is the end then. I just feel like such a fucking mug. I feel angry at him for not having told me right from the start it would come down to this. Im so angry at myself for not seeing what was staring me right in the face. I feel so stupid. Im 38 now. I never desperately wanted kids, but i would have had them i think - its just I didn't want to be trapped in a place I hated.

Why didn't I just face up to what was clearly the reality?

Please don't feel foolish, none of us here think you're foolish. You have done so well in such a short space of time, it's never easy relocating countries on your own and you did so well organising a place to stay so quickly.

Being in Brighton has given you time to reconnect with all your friends, which is always a good thing and given you the time and space to realise that you definitely want to buy somewhere and that Brighton is definitely not a realistic option.

I don't know Lancaster, but geographically it is a great location for all the places pp have listed, plus the advantage of being able to live with an aunt you love while you find your feet. It all sounds very positive to me.

Why can’t you stay in Brighton unitl next summer? Visit your aunt at the weekends? Much bigger pool of men and jobs in the SE.

This is such a terrific post!

Because im realising that i will never be able to buy anything even remotely decent, and if I spend a year here I will need to spend it in pretty subpar accommodation while paying a premium.
I still could stay the year here though, I just wouldn't save anything extra towards a deposit

Also I hear what youre saying re more men but a lot of my friends here have to traipse up to London for dates and have experienced huge amounts of dicking around, "polyamory" etc. Two of my friends said whatever I do i shouldn't go on the apps 😅

I like your mum 😎 great minds

Maybe just be single for a while and work out what you want to do. You don’t want to meet someone and then be halfhearted about your PhD, or not go and do it (unless you decide not to for your own reasons).

Yes, Lancaster lovely.

Lancaster is an overlooked gem. Best keep quiet 🤫

Hard agree! Now is time for "self-care" (sorry for bullshitty phrase!), work, friends and family

Good for you. Focus on getting that anchor in your life and a roof over your head - you sound like you will make friends anywhere and are ready to squeeze the opportunities out of everything. Best of luck to you. Leave sullen, sulky, suffocating, selfish old man in the dust, getting smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror.

I think you need to slow down.
You love & know Brighton, it’s near London & LGW, by the sea.
Where will your new job require you to go ?
You don’t want to buy a house unless the location is right.

A plan will fall into place, Enjoy the buzz there for a while, visit your Aunt… its only been minutes since this storm hit

I think @cooldarkroom has got her head screwed on here. Let yourself settle emotionally before you make big decisions

To help slow those racing thoughts (especially as you're dealing with three of the most stressful things, ending relationship, new job and moving, all at once) have you considered some therapy for help with these transitions?

I think this is a fair point and I wonder if OP is about to repeat her previous mistake of getting stuck in a provincial area without really intending to be there.

😂at "a provincial area". That would be Brighton, I assume?

?? Lancaster.

These are good points. I mean I know how shocking and depressing poor architecture can be. Brighton is lively but if the flat is mean and you feel like you are living in a flop house this will have a depressing effect. But don’t flee right away. Take a few months and lots of weekend trips to make sure its right for you.

At least you have a plan.

The properties in Brighton are very wet and take a lot of maintenance.

Yes thats why its important to think on it. But there are crucial differences: before I was trapped with no end solution possible, the idea now is to just regroup. Also where i was before wasn't like Lancaster it was like Rochdale. No shade to Rochdale 😅

Brighton is a bit like London in that in order to live / buy somewhere nice, and have a good life, you need a bit more money than you’d need in most other places. It’s expensive. I love both actually, but only with a nice place to live.

Chill out with your friends in Brighton for a while, few months. Let the dust settle, after the upheaval you’ve just been through. And maybe think then about what you’d like to do after Christmas? Last thing you need is to end up in another situation that doesn’t work.

x

It’s only touristy in some areas and during some seasons. I was born in the midlands, lived most of my adult life in London but now in Brighton. It all depends on what you want. OP seemed to want to escape from ‘nowhere’ places where she had no social life. Brighton seems the opposite from what she says. OP - are you running from yourself a bit? What exactly are you looking for?

Sweeping generalisation.

Not always congested. A year ago, a week before Easter I got it nice and quiet. I'd been gifted 5 days free to do what I liked and had an idyllic time. Hotel was cheap and no crowds. Town was just getting ready for the season. I suspect it's extremely busy for a short time. Having said that, I live in a tourist hot spot, so what seems quiet to me might actually be busy.