I'm so disappointed in my partner since becoming parents

[Disappointedinpartner]

Have name changed for this.

We are both first time parents to a lovely 1.5 year old, he isn't a bad dad in that he does play with him but I just can't shake the fact that I feel like he's not stepping up for the family enough. Maybe I am being unfair as he does work and pretty much single handedly pay our mortgage and bills and I'm currently not working as I care for our toddler. He does the majority of cooking too (his choice) but he enjoys it and it's basically his real life job too.

But I am being left to do pretty much everything else. The house is constantly a shit tip because he does no cleaning, won't put washing away so I find stuff that I know I've laundered just left on the floor to get dirty again. Yes he'll batch cook on his days off so I just have to reheat dinners for me and the toddler whilst he's working but the kitchen is left full of dirty pots. I'm cleaning as I go as much as I can with a toddler but there's just too much mess in the first place.

We moved in to our home just before I gave birth and he's done absolutely none of the DIY, I'm the one who's somehow found time to strip wallpaper, repaint and rewallpaper. We've lived here for a while now and only one room is properly redecorated, we've had friends buy after us who are further along in more complicated renos because both partners chip in at the weekends. My partner seems to think his whole time off work should just be for relaxing and he gets three days off a week.

Pre pregnancy neither of us drove, it didn't really bother us as we lived right in the city centre and could both walk to our jobs but we didn't want to raise our child there so moved to the suburbs. I started driving lessons as soon as I could after finding out I was pregnant and have now passed my test a few months ago. Initially my partner said he would start taking lessons after we moved, then when I restarted lessons in the new area when baby was about three months old his excuse was we couldn't both afford to take lessons at the same time (this was bullshit because I paid for all my own lessons with savings set aside pre pregnancy). I passed my test three months ago and we spoke and agreed that he would start taking lessons now, I pointed out that the instructor he says he wants has a waiting list - I know as I was on it! I ended up going with someone else as I didn't want to delay any further. No surprise here but he still hasn't done anything about it and told me the other day he doesn't even know where his provisional license is so he's obviously not about to do anything about it any time soon. I am going to pick up my first car today and he was saying how I can drive us somewhere nice for father's day and I'm absolutely livid. I didn't learn to become his chauffeur, I learnt to make sure our son didn't miss out on any opportunities and so I could get him to hospital if needed!

I just feel like I've lost all respect for my partner and I don't know if there's any way forward. Don't really know what I'm looking for here but just wanted to get it all out

It sounds like DIY wise, he needs to step up on his days off and start getting some of it done.

Day to day, I think he’s doing quite a lot doing all the cooking and presumably working long hours doing more of that. I’d say usually cooking and cleaning would fall to the stay at home parent to do. I’d have been delighted to have all my meals cooked for me, especially the fact he is batch cooking so you don’t have to cook when he is working late. That to me would have been a massive help. He shouldn’t be leaving his clothes on the floor for you to pick up and on his days off he should he sharing cleaning, but day to day I wouldn’t say it’s unfair that cleaning is your job when he’s out at work all day and he only person earning. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but I do think household chores (and usually cooking) do fall to the parent at home when only one is working. Just my opinion.

So you want him to do all the work, all the cooking and then the cleaning as well? You're being extremely unfair.

It's pretty obvious why the DIY has been put on the back burner, there's no time for it. But you can't stay at home while he works and still expect him to do 50% at home.

So basically your dh has just carried on doing his thing which is cooking, and expects you to do everything else. When do you get a day off?

My ex was the same. Great until our ds arrived but from the moment my maternity leave started, he didn't lift a finger "because I was home all day". I also did all the night wakings. He didn't get up once. Ever.

His expectation was that he had acquired an unpaid domestic skivvy for life. I tried talking to him, pointing out how unfair he was being, how tired & depressed I felt but it made no difference.

DS and I left when ds was 2.

You could try not washing his clothes, having a drink when he wants you to drive him somewhere. Refusing to be an obedient convenience. It didn't work for me though. 🙁

Life is much much easier without him.

I stayed at home for the first year, did the housework a little bit each day which took about 30 mins each day plus maybe starting tea or doing the odd other thing so our weekends were free

I dont know why if you dont work it takes so much that you need another person to help. How much do you think needs doing?

If i worked and my husband didn't i wouldnt expect to have to jobs when I got home, as for driving we dont because we dont need too, one of can drive the other not but neither of us needs the other too

As for day again when I was not working I organised it as I wasn't working

I agree with PP, it's partly the reality of being a sahm parent and partly your other half needing to do more. The couples who chip away at reno on the weekend probably don't have kids and both work.
It's spiteful the way you're livid about driving somewhere for father's day, he can benefit from your driving just like you benefit from his paying the mortgage or cooking. You're being too tittle tat.

Sounds about right

go back to work. Pay a decorator

You should have equal free time outside of working hours and childcare and chores.

How did you split chores before you had your son? Do you ever get any free time? If not why not?

Sounds like your dh does a lot. He batch cooks all your meals, works full time etc. you don't work. I would expect my partner to clean the house if we had this set up. No way would I want to work all day and come home to clean and cook. You can clean very easily with a toddler in tow.

Does he want to do diy? Does he see it as necessary? You seem to want to 'keep up with the joneses' but maybe he's happy to live with it while you've got a young child. I personally wouldn't be rushing to do any renovations like wallpapering with a child under 5. It'll all be ruined by fingerprints in ten minutes anyways!

The car thing is annoying, he does need to step up there.

I am sorry, but this guy sounds like one of the good guys. A new baby and a recent house move are massive upheavals for both of you. You may have to adjust your expectations down a bit in terms of what can realistically be done given you have so much on already.

You’re doing the MN SAHM thing of completely dismissing the fact that he works full time and provides everything for you financially as if that’s completely meaningless or worthless. Plus he does the cooking.. and.. and..and…

But you’re moaning because he doesn’t do the DIY?

Come on love. Get yourself off TikTok and stop looking at bragging fake videos about other women’s perfect lives.

You’ve got a man who loves you and is willing to work hard to provide for you so you can stay at home. He does some of the jobs at home. Try being appreciative and respectful rather than moaning and resentful. You’re a team.

Good lord, where on earth do you expect him to find the time to clean as well? I assume your little one has naps, what do you do during that time? As for the driving lessons, perhaps he is worried about money as it’s all down to him now to provide for everything. You are being massively unreasonable.

You can't be like 'we're a family unit' for bills and mortgage and then resent a drive for father's day saying my driving is for MY son from MY savings 🙄
You probably don't enjoy being a parent staying at home and resent how he gets to continue his life but that's being a woman and a mother we're always more affected by having kids than the dads. Try to get time where you have a few hours a week alone and do something for yourself. You're misdirecting your resentment at your partner. Raising a child is hugely boring and thankless, that's not your partner's fault.

So, he’s working full time, doing all of the cooking and spending g time playing with your child. Sounds like on a day to day level he’s doing a lot. Maybe he could do some diy from time to time but I think he’s doing enough.

I think a lot of people are missing that he actually wants to cook - I would happily take over and would in some ways prefer it as I clean as I go but then I'd be giving up the one chore he actually does. What he's actually doing is hiding in the kitchen whilst I do all the childcare.

It was a joint decision for me not to work at the minute, yes I do enjoy being off with toddler but when I did look at jobs I told him he'd have to do nursery drop off as he leaves the house later than I would and we'd look for one near his work and he refused as he 'doesn't have time in the mornings', he leaves the house between 9 and 10 and could leave even later if he learnt to drive!

He’s doing far more than you

So what hours does he actually work? Does he earn much (presumably he’s a chef / cook-manager)? I can’t quite picture in my head how all this is working day to day.

On a pragmatic note - have you thought about getting a dish washing machine? After a recommendation on here (MN), I got one for my house and it has instantly resolved a lot of angst and kitchen grief regarding the over-production of greasy pots, pans and baking trays. (I sometimes have four adult people in the house for half the week jockeying for space.)

Hi op

Are you on maternity leave or are you currently a sahm? The reason I ask is that I think it slightly changes the answers you will get.

Ditto if your dp works shifts as that can be very tiring.

Tbh I don’t think you have too bad a deal if you are a sahm, your dp does all of the earning and paying of bills, and he does all of the cooking and batch cooks for you.

Does your dp food shop too? Or do you get it delivered?

That leaves you with laundry and housework which isn’t easy with a 1.5 year old but can he done in bursts.

So the issue here is that he is making your part of the job so much worse by being messy and disrespectful and that is just not on. He needs to put stuff away and pick up after himself. There are four elements to keeping a house which are:

**everyday stuff (laundry, dw and tidying up, bins, loo etc),
** tidying up and keeping the surfaces and floors clear,
** actual cleaning
**decluttering.

You need a schedule and a system for each of these elements that you initiate. So it’s helpful to have a routine and structure your day with your little one so that you can make the most of the time you have.

I thoroughly recommend TOMM method. It’s simple and does the job. Stick to this ruthlessly and have zero tolerance with your dp about his messiness. Tell him there’s a new system now which you expect him to support and if he doesn’t, relentlessly pick up stuff of his and put it on his side of the bed or after three days in the bin, until he gets the message. Don’t wait for his cooperation, just you actively initiate this and lay down the law. You shouldn’t have to but show you mean business. Life will be easier for you when you take control of the mess. Get a baby-sitter in to maybe help you do an initial declutter.

Give your dp specific responsibilities like daily dw emptying, bins and helping with a nightly re-set (usually one of you does dc bath and bed routine) while the other tidies up downstairs. Get that tag team element going,

I totally agree that you need to sit down with your dp and talk to him. Tell him that as a sahm you never catch a break and you expect him to swap with you over the weekend so you each get a lie-in and you each have a morning or afternoon alone while the other one takes the baby out. Then you schedule time where you both take him out.

As for your dp’s “third” day - could you get him to agree that he spends a substantial part of that systemically working with you on the DIY - and write a list and schedule that in and cross off the tasks bit by bit.

I totally agree with you that he should step up with the driving. It was wrong of him to move to the suburbs if he never intended doing this.

How to present this to him? I think you need to try and get a member of your family to baby sit for a few hours and take him your dp out in the car to a country pub or go for a walk and say you want a formal meeting with him now you have had eighteen months of parenthood together and for each of you to discuss how you think it’s going? And rather than nagging you want to address things in one go and instigate solutions.

Try and keep it positive and at this point introduce a list of every single task that he does in the house, and at work, and a list of every single thing that you do, and try and work together to be a bit more collaborative.

Good luck op. If you are a sahm currently, then as soon as your ds is nursery age, I would start building a career back up in case your dp does not step up and anyway your relationship will be more balanced then and he will have no excuse to slack at home if you are both working the same hours.

Good luck! The transition from couple without dc to being first time parents and home owners is not at all easy and someone needs to step up and take charge I’m afraid. And as a father and a home owner your dp needs to understand that he can’t carry on as if he were single. The change in his status means he needs to act differently and take on more responsibility and be a team player. Not make your job harder!

I would polish the silver everyday if someone would do all the cooking and shopping for me!

The driving is not fair.

Flip it. If you were in DH’s shoes what would you say about yourself in the family scenario you describe?

We all have different preferences to chores.

I get what you are saying OP in that, while partner cooks all meals, he leaves the kitchen in a mess and lots of dirty pans for you to clean. He should leave the kitchen clean and tidy as any professional cook is expected to do. Home ‘chefs’ get carried away
and tend to use every pot and pan and make an unnecessary mess. If he batch cooks, he has cook-free days where he can clean the kitchen and do other chores.

Leaving clothes in the floor for others to pick up is disrespectful. Same with leaving the bathroom in a mess after use. It’s basic adult consideration when sharing with others.

I also see what you are saying about driving. Watch out you don’t end up driving him to and from work/train. It will start with a wet day…

Time for a serious talk about how life works and how you are entitled to time off too. Is he spending time at the gym/gaming?

My husband is the same, only I work full time and we have two kids. He also doesn’t cook. Only thing he does is watch the kids while I shower. Not trying to play biggest willy, just saying you’re not alone and this could also be you in the future. Initially when I pointed out the imbalance he offered to pay for a take away a month but now he just charges me for half of it anyway. I’ve come to accept my life sadly but if you can change it, I urge you to.

Do you also deserve to lose respect because you are failing to contribute financially to your family? Your partner does more than you, yet you think because you look after one toddler he’s not doing enough? Give yourself a shake.

@postmanshere why would you accept this life? Is there no way you can leave him?

OP your DH won’t support you going back to work?

You are in a very precarious situation. I think chores and driving are the least of your marriage woes.

He is doing more than ypu! I think you are delusional to be honest.

Ignore the ‘of course you should do everything posters’. This are reflexive set answers from people who heard ‘SAHM’ and stopped reading and stopped thinking at that point.

He’s dropping stuff on the floor for you to pick up ffs. That’s hugely disrespectful.

Doing the cooking is not an act of support if he can’t be arsed to do the washing he creates.
He has three days off a week! He can manage some house work.
He’s decided chauffeur is an extra job OP should take on. I live somewhere you need a car. I would be very unhappy if H didn’t learn to drive but expected me to drive him. In fact t I learnt becore we moved here to stop him needing to drive me
He’s protecting his leisure time at expense of OPs.

Marriages can’t survive without gratitude. He is not even recognizing what you do, let alone being grateful for it. And he’s unnecessarily adding to your work. Thats destroyed your ability to be grateful for his contribution.

SAHP/WP works were both recognize and express gratitude for each other’s role. That has died here.

OP when you lose respect for your partner,, it’s really hard to get it back.