I'm so disappointed in my partner since becoming parents

[Disappointedinpartner]

Have name changed for this.

We are both first time parents to a lovely 1.5 year old, he isn't a bad dad in that he does play with him but I just can't shake the fact that I feel like he's not stepping up for the family enough. Maybe I am being unfair as he does work and pretty much single handedly pay our mortgage and bills and I'm currently not working as I care for our toddler. He does the majority of cooking too (his choice) but he enjoys it and it's basically his real life job too.

But I am being left to do pretty much everything else. The house is constantly a shit tip because he does no cleaning, won't put washing away so I find stuff that I know I've laundered just left on the floor to get dirty again. Yes he'll batch cook on his days off so I just have to reheat dinners for me and the toddler whilst he's working but the kitchen is left full of dirty pots. I'm cleaning as I go as much as I can with a toddler but there's just too much mess in the first place.

We moved in to our home just before I gave birth and he's done absolutely none of the DIY, I'm the one who's somehow found time to strip wallpaper, repaint and rewallpaper. We've lived here for a while now and only one room is properly redecorated, we've had friends buy after us who are further along in more complicated renos because both partners chip in at the weekends. My partner seems to think his whole time off work should just be for relaxing and he gets three days off a week.

Pre pregnancy neither of us drove, it didn't really bother us as we lived right in the city centre and could both walk to our jobs but we didn't want to raise our child there so moved to the suburbs. I started driving lessons as soon as I could after finding out I was pregnant and have now passed my test a few months ago. Initially my partner said he would start taking lessons after we moved, then when I restarted lessons in the new area when baby was about three months old his excuse was we couldn't both afford to take lessons at the same time (this was bullshit because I paid for all my own lessons with savings set aside pre pregnancy). I passed my test three months ago and we spoke and agreed that he would start taking lessons now, I pointed out that the instructor he says he wants has a waiting list - I know as I was on it! I ended up going with someone else as I didn't want to delay any further. No surprise here but he still hasn't done anything about it and told me the other day he doesn't even know where his provisional license is so he's obviously not about to do anything about it any time soon. I am going to pick up my first car today and he was saying how I can drive us somewhere nice for father's day and I'm absolutely livid. I didn't learn to become his chauffeur, I learnt to make sure our son didn't miss out on any opportunities and so I could get him to hospital if needed!

I just feel like I've lost all respect for my partner and I don't know if there's any way forward. Don't really know what I'm looking for here but just wanted to get it all out

If he works all day and you don't then what's the problem with cleaning the house? I honestly think YABU, with all the love in my heart, OP.

Not learning to drive would annoy me but I wouldn’t be livid at one suggestion of me driving us somewhere as a family.

I think yes he does need to set some time aside at the weekend to chip away at the DIY, presumably he would be doing this while you take care of your toddler though and perhaps he wants to use this time to play (as you say he does do that)

I think if you’re a stay at home mum you should be doing the cleaning - I would do a little everyday when your toddler is napping to free up both of your weekends. I do this as I work four days a week. We split cooking (Monday - Friday I cook and clean up, weekends is vice versa).

She can’t work as no child care and he is refusing to support her if she got a pt job. She is facilitating his career and she’s being left with everything. If it was the other way about the mother would come home and be desperate to take over for a bit to spend time with child. After work chores should be shared

I have people saying "you're the parent at home so you should do all housework" err no, you're providing childcare. Ive paid for babysitters/nannies/childcare, they tidy up toys and keep the kids clean and hygienic but they don't vacuum or iron or decorate alongside caring for a toddler.
I think when he's at work there is an element of you needing to find time to tidy, clean a bit, put the washing on but once he's home it should be 50/50. It's great he cooks, but he should clean up after himself. I think you need to explain how it all feels very seriously. A lot of people "nag" until it's too late, and nobody realises how serious it is.
If he has a principle that he should only relax during time off, then that for me is a deal breaker - it leaves you on house and childcare 24/7 which isn't sustainable. Or he needs to earn enough to pay for help, which might also be an option

I think the bigger issue here is he won't let you work. His refusal to be a team and facilitate your schedule would be enough for me to pull the plug. He wants you to provide an easy way for him to take a backseat but say "oh but you're a sahm". If anything this is what would make me lost respect for him. I was at the start of the thread thinking you're unreasonable and it's your job as sahm but it seems this is a role you're forced into so no wonder you're pissed at your partner

Both need to step up and be grateful for the other.

Dropping stuff on the floor, 3 days off and doing nothing except cooking, but not cleaning up as he goes - disrespectful.

No gratitude or respect for working in a high pressure, physical, hot environment and still coming home to cook - incl when he's not even there? You don't mention him asking when maternity leave is over? He's sole earner, that's a lot of responsibility too. Show him some respect too, bad mouthing online instead of talking like adults.

You are not your friends, but equally, if you don't communicate (and that means listening too), you'll never find a way that works for you both.

Sit down and talk about finding a way to live together that works for you both and doesn't build resentment on either side.

So he is controlling you by saying you can’t go back to work. Ignore him. If you want to work then do so. He just doesn’t want his life to change. You have two children right now.

tell him to tidy kitchen after cooking. He will soon learn to cook dishes that don’t use every bloody dish in the house!!

don’t be told what you can do by a man.

He’s a waste of flesh

Hardly! The man is working and cooking, as another poster said, they both need to step up, it’s not all on him.

It feels like you’re being unnecessarily harsh on your partner and you’re misdirecting your own frustration about parenthood onto him.

Life is hard after welcoming a child that doesn’t mean it’s his fault. He’s working full time to provide for you all so you have the luxury of staying home with your child.

Hes still contributing towards to running of the house by cooking which is a big task. Yes im sure doing some other bits would be appreciated so just use your words. “DH I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with the running of the house on top of caring for our child so as much as I appreciate all of the cooking you do I would really like it if you could do XYZ too.”

If you’re planning on going back to work the division of labour will have to change anyways. The early years of parenting are tough. Just remember to communicate.

wow. You need to tell him he needs to do a childcare drop off so you can get a job or your marriage is on the rocks, you had a baby thinking your child would have a dad.
then you need to get a job, tell him to bath his baby, do a load of washing, and see if you still feel anything but the ick.

How will the division of labour change when he flat out refuses? The man doesn’t leave for work till after 9am and has said he won’t do a morning drop off so the op can get a morning job!!

OP wants to get a job but has been told she can't. Meanwhile she's working every day and doesn't get any time off unlike her partner. Even I (a single mum) get one afternoon a week off because I have a lovely friend who looks after DS for me.

Do you actually ask him to do things or just expect him to? Some men really don't think about what they need to be doing unless you point it out. Like can you strip the wallpaper in the spare room while I'm doing the cleaning on Sunday. Would he just flat say No, that would be a bit of a deal breaker, if he just has some excuse counter it, you can do it after the gym, or OK not Sunday how about Saturday. Of course if he's cooking for the week all weekend he's doing his bit.

Bit harsh OP. You don’t know where you found time for DIY? You aren’t working atm. Toddlers are hard going no question but having most of your bills paid and all your meals made ain’t so bad. There will be single Mums and Dads out there doing all you do and all he does. Working Mums or Dads with toddlers too.
Don’t get me wrong, he could probably get his backside in gear more but to be livid he wanted you to drive somewhere for Father’s Day (given he keeps roof over everyone’s head and feeds everyone) sounded really mean and then some. Not diminishing all you do either. It’s MN. We know how much is involved raising wee folk but maybe hold off on the nagging and resentment just a tad. Also once you’re back working FT, chores/childcare will need split down middle, can totally understand your DH needing downtime on his days off and chances are you’ll not feel like doing quite as much DIY then either.

Not sure why he should do more since you arent working tbh. I was a sahm for several years with small children and there was plenty of time to cook, clean, do laundry etc.