I'm so disappointed in my partner since becoming parents

[Disappointedinpartner]

Have name changed for this.

We are both first time parents to a lovely 1.5 year old, he isn't a bad dad in that he does play with him but I just can't shake the fact that I feel like he's not stepping up for the family enough. Maybe I am being unfair as he does work and pretty much single handedly pay our mortgage and bills and I'm currently not working as I care for our toddler. He does the majority of cooking too (his choice) but he enjoys it and it's basically his real life job too.

But I am being left to do pretty much everything else. The house is constantly a shit tip because he does no cleaning, won't put washing away so I find stuff that I know I've laundered just left on the floor to get dirty again. Yes he'll batch cook on his days off so I just have to reheat dinners for me and the toddler whilst he's working but the kitchen is left full of dirty pots. I'm cleaning as I go as much as I can with a toddler but there's just too much mess in the first place.

We moved in to our home just before I gave birth and he's done absolutely none of the DIY, I'm the one who's somehow found time to strip wallpaper, repaint and rewallpaper. We've lived here for a while now and only one room is properly redecorated, we've had friends buy after us who are further along in more complicated renos because both partners chip in at the weekends. My partner seems to think his whole time off work should just be for relaxing and he gets three days off a week.

Pre pregnancy neither of us drove, it didn't really bother us as we lived right in the city centre and could both walk to our jobs but we didn't want to raise our child there so moved to the suburbs. I started driving lessons as soon as I could after finding out I was pregnant and have now passed my test a few months ago. Initially my partner said he would start taking lessons after we moved, then when I restarted lessons in the new area when baby was about three months old his excuse was we couldn't both afford to take lessons at the same time (this was bullshit because I paid for all my own lessons with savings set aside pre pregnancy). I passed my test three months ago and we spoke and agreed that he would start taking lessons now, I pointed out that the instructor he says he wants has a waiting list - I know as I was on it! I ended up going with someone else as I didn't want to delay any further. No surprise here but he still hasn't done anything about it and told me the other day he doesn't even know where his provisional license is so he's obviously not about to do anything about it any time soon. I am going to pick up my first car today and he was saying how I can drive us somewhere nice for father's day and I'm absolutely livid. I didn't learn to become his chauffeur, I learnt to make sure our son didn't miss out on any opportunities and so I could get him to hospital if needed!

I just feel like I've lost all respect for my partner and I don't know if there's any way forward. Don't really know what I'm looking for here but just wanted to get it all out

I see both sides of this, I’m a SAHM to a toddler and although I am very grateful that I get to do that, it is hard work. It’s monotonous and it’s isolating. To feel that you don’t have a “partner” in it even when they’re home is hard.
My partner is somewhat the same, I do 90% of the housework and childcare (I also contribute about 20% of the finances) however on his days off he will get stuck in and try to help. I almost get annoyed with the “what can I do?” questions because I’d prefer him to just look around use his initiative.

If you don’t want him to do all the cooking then why can’t you just tell him so? Just say you would prefer to cook this evening and he can spend time with the baby? Say you’d rather he got on with some DIY this week and you’ll make do without his batch cooking? You should be able to communicate how you feel to each other.

IMO you’re being quite harsh with him, the not getting on with driving part is really crap but if he is bringing in all the money you really can’t expect to not have the majority of the house/child work fall on you. If you really don’t want that then go back to work, even part time would put you and him on a more level playing field and you can put in expectations of what he will have to take on at home.

Is he paying into a pension for you?

He sounds like he's doing a lot to me.

I've not looked at other replies yet but I will be amazed if you are not being roasted for your stance on this. YOU are the one not pulling your weight not your partner. If you are a stay at home Mon then you are in charge of running the house. That's what the role is. He's already massively chipping in with the cooking. If you can't keep on top of the washing and cleaning, odd Jobs and parenting then that's on you for choosing that role for yourself.

I would be disappointed with the DIY aspect and him not starting driving lessons but nothing else.

He is working FT to allow you not to work.

Your job right now is childcare, cooking and cleaning.
During the week he shouldn’t be cleaning at all as you are at home.
The fact that he’s cooking means you have even more free time and i can’t see how you’re struggling to keep the home tidy.

The weekends it should be 50/50 where you do more cooking and he does more cleaning and parenting but I think you’re expecting too much during the week.

Could you look into him dropping a couple of days and you going back PT?

I personally could never be a SAHM because I would be resentful that my DP got to go to work and have a normal life and I would feel like a maid with no identity of my own.
Perhaps you feel like this too and it may help if you could go back to work PT or something.

Wow, he sounds amazing to be honest, he works to provide for you all, cooks and helps but you show no appreciation. You sound lazy, you don'teven work and can't keep the house tidy or clean - wtf!. Imagine working full time, looking after your child and DOING EVERYTHING as a single parent. He needs to get a new wife! If you have time to write on hear, you have time to tidy up.....
These threads are a wind up.

Christ alive is this a reverse? If not, poor guy!

lol… He’s paying for everything and cooking while you’re at home all day. A bit of cleaning is nothing.

This thread is proof once again that the patriarchy is alive and well

itndoesnt sound like this guy is a heart surgeon or running a billion dollar company - I imagine he does some bog standard low effort job and then has three days of leisure without a thought of laundry or child care or house up keep or anything really

meanwhile OP is doing a 24 hour 7 days a week job

women are women’s worst enemy

How Is that the same? You both work so should share chores. She chose the job of stay at home Mom but doesn't actually want to do it.

I think for now, tell him he cooks so he washes up all the pots and pans he's used. You'll do the dishes. If he doesn't, just leave them in a pile for him for when he's ready. He won't have a choice but to wash them. The driving thing I don't know, I can drive but won't have husband as a passenger. I want to stay married.

The rest though I think is SAHM territory though aside from laundry. If you keep sucking everything up them he won't see any reason to change. On one of his days off leave him with the bairn and get yourself out for a bit.

You should make plans to go back to work though. This unhappiness grows.

@Disappointedinpartner could you have a word/setting ground rules about not being his Mum tidying up after him picking clothes up? And while you are right he shouldn’t expect you to be his personal driver, surely Father’s Day is his day and you would be the designated driver that day? I understand a lot of your points but, kindly, that sounds a little bit mean-spirited. If you feel you don’t get any down-time though, you need to have a chat about it - maybe half of one of his 3 days off a week could be his turn to toddler-wrangle and you get out, but if he is batch cooking another day he needs some time off too. I am not surprised the decorating is not done. Don’t let the resentment build up until you explode as you won’t have made your point but you’ll both be miserable.

You're at home with one child - a toddler, not a newborn. He is paying all the bills and does all of the cooking as well. I think you're BU tbh.

I’ve had 3 children with my eldest being 21 and it’s completely dependant on the child. My youngest I could happily leave and get on with housework, my middle child absolutely not he was so clingy right through to toddlerhood and my eldest cried for about 6 months solid.
Her “job” right now is raising the child while he’s at work, his is whatever he does at work and the house is both of their responsibilities.

I think you're a lazy mare!
He works full time, pays all the bills, and does all the cooking including batch cooking so you never have to make a meal.
Im not surprised he hasn't had the time or money to take driving lessons

Reading this thread is so sad, we’ve clearly still got a long way to go before attitudes towards women change.

how does a non working parent help the working parent?

By carrying out the job of looking after a child all day that is 50% the responsibility of 'working parent' too, sacrificing her* salary and pension contributions and career prospects, enduring the relative tedium of solo childcaring, while also losing status and work-social connections.

*It's mostly women, let's face it.

@Disappointedinpartner sorry but he’s doing more than enough, he batch cooks which really helps as you don’t have to worry about dinner.

When he’s playing with the toddler that is your time to clean.

Not all men can do DIY, my husband has only recently mastered how to put up shelves and use a drill xx

I feel as though this is about multiple issues. I can see how little things build up and begin to make a relationship seem untenable. You have had mixed responses, if your partner posted I am sure he would receive the same.
Is your marriage worth saving, if so perhaps relationship counselling. If not then you need to work out an exit strategy. Whilst that will not be easy maybe it is better than living in a relationship with no respect. You are open that you do not respect him but from what you have disclosed it sounds as though he has little or no respect for you.
Or maybe this is just a wet towel rant, many of us have them.
Wishing you good luck, dry towels and mess free (ok minimal) renovations.

He sounds amazing. Maybe be you should swap roles, and you go out to work full time, then come home and do the cooking?

This @Disappointedinpartner Take Heed of PP - else you'll be left to do everything including finding the money to pay the mortgage, the car that you drive, food shopping etc AND clean.

It's a massive weight you have off your shoulders and you don't seem to realise.

Honestly, I work full time and cooking is a big chore after a full days work - I'd rather do the dishes!

I agree that you should be doing most of the housework and cleaning because you're a SAHM but he is very capable of putting his clothes away and cleaning up after himself. You aren't his slave.

“I'm currently not working”
”DH single handedly pay our mortgage and bills …He does the majority of cooking too”
”I am being left to do pretty much everything else.”

So what’s wrong with that? His job is going out to work and keeping the family; yours is looking after your DC and keeping house. When I was young, this was a perfectly normal division of labour - you are lucky that your DH cooks, even if it is through choice.
As far as DIY is concerned, maybe you need to discuss how you can both move forward with it. If your DH is not a DIY person - and not everyone is - then you will have to consider whether you could afford to pay to have it done.
Your DH does need to learn to drive - but for the time being, as the only driver, it’s hardly unreasonable that you should drive the family around for the benefit of all of you. You are not your DH’s chauffeur, any more than you are your DC’s - you are his partner and at the moment the only one who can drive.
As a SAHM, it really isn’t unreasonable that the vast bulk of domestic chores should be yours. Your DH should, however, be mindful of the fact that he is a parent and be doing his share of parenting, and when you go back to work, then chores should be shared. It’s v unreasonable of your DP not to agree to drop off your child at nursery so you could go to work - perhaps he needs reminding that you are both equally responsible for your DC. You and your DP need to discuss your situation, before your resentment mounts to the point that you end up going your separate ways.

edit - I can't read! Sorry

If you're not working, I don't get how you're struggling to stay on top of the chores. Put a baby gate up to keep the dc in one room and just crack on with it. If you get into an efficient routine it can't take more than a couple of hours a day.