I'm so disappointed in my partner since becoming parents

[Disappointedinpartner]

Have name changed for this.

We are both first time parents to a lovely 1.5 year old, he isn't a bad dad in that he does play with him but I just can't shake the fact that I feel like he's not stepping up for the family enough. Maybe I am being unfair as he does work and pretty much single handedly pay our mortgage and bills and I'm currently not working as I care for our toddler. He does the majority of cooking too (his choice) but he enjoys it and it's basically his real life job too.

But I am being left to do pretty much everything else. The house is constantly a shit tip because he does no cleaning, won't put washing away so I find stuff that I know I've laundered just left on the floor to get dirty again. Yes he'll batch cook on his days off so I just have to reheat dinners for me and the toddler whilst he's working but the kitchen is left full of dirty pots. I'm cleaning as I go as much as I can with a toddler but there's just too much mess in the first place.

We moved in to our home just before I gave birth and he's done absolutely none of the DIY, I'm the one who's somehow found time to strip wallpaper, repaint and rewallpaper. We've lived here for a while now and only one room is properly redecorated, we've had friends buy after us who are further along in more complicated renos because both partners chip in at the weekends. My partner seems to think his whole time off work should just be for relaxing and he gets three days off a week.

Pre pregnancy neither of us drove, it didn't really bother us as we lived right in the city centre and could both walk to our jobs but we didn't want to raise our child there so moved to the suburbs. I started driving lessons as soon as I could after finding out I was pregnant and have now passed my test a few months ago. Initially my partner said he would start taking lessons after we moved, then when I restarted lessons in the new area when baby was about three months old his excuse was we couldn't both afford to take lessons at the same time (this was bullshit because I paid for all my own lessons with savings set aside pre pregnancy). I passed my test three months ago and we spoke and agreed that he would start taking lessons now, I pointed out that the instructor he says he wants has a waiting list - I know as I was on it! I ended up going with someone else as I didn't want to delay any further. No surprise here but he still hasn't done anything about it and told me the other day he doesn't even know where his provisional license is so he's obviously not about to do anything about it any time soon. I am going to pick up my first car today and he was saying how I can drive us somewhere nice for father's day and I'm absolutely livid. I didn't learn to become his chauffeur, I learnt to make sure our son didn't miss out on any opportunities and so I could get him to hospital if needed!

I just feel like I've lost all respect for my partner and I don't know if there's any way forward. Don't really know what I'm looking for here but just wanted to get it all out

I can't remember doing a great deal of DIY with a toddler. If we had a project it was either an hour or two on the odd evening or one of us at the weekend. I tended to do the prep jobs, sanding, undercoat, wood work, he'd gloss. He'd strip wallpaper, prep walls, we'd hang wallpaper together.

He never cooked or cleaned. But we did get out at weekends. He always drove. We were a one car family then

I suggest now @Disappointedinpartner has a car and freedom. She buggers off in it alone leaving him with the child.

I read this expecting to hear about a lazy, useless partner but he’s working full time to pay for you to stay home and doing all of the cooking so I think the least you can do is the cleaning tbf. Taking him out for Fathers’ day shouldn’t be an imposition, it’s a chance to do something nice for someone you love. Mind your relationship here, it sounds like you’re one foot out.

Goodness, ‘doing the cooking’ really, really doesn’t count as a share of the chores if he is leaving the mess for you to clear up. Who does that?

It might make it easier to understand your point of view if you explained what you were actually doing all day whilst your partner is at work - during nap times / whilst your child is watching a bit of TV or entertaining themselves etc? Thats usually 1-2 hours as a minimum to do some housework etc...

I'd love to know where this pervasive idea has come from that looking after a 1.5 year old child for a day is somehow the "harder" option than being at work. I've done it, with quite a "difficult" child, and it absolutely was not.

This seems to feed in to these ridiculous expectations that somehow staying at home and entertaining / feeding a small child is, in isolation, difficult enough in itself that the rest of the household duties can't be done during the day. Its complete nonsense.

If you want this to be your "job" then do the whole job not half of it - you are at home all day, so any routine housework should be done then too - there is plenty of time.

If you are doing that, then I also think it's definitely a reasonable & correct expectation for free time and other jobs to be shared equally when you are both at home.

Sorry - Woman here so definitely not the Patriarchy

Sorry (and I really am genuinely sorry) - but it doesn't work like that. At all.

It's hard, isn't it. I'm a SAHM and feel similarly to you a lot! It's frustrating when I KNOW he's as tired as I am but I've taken our toddler out all day, carried said toddler home, breastfed a lot, held toddler so she sleeps (she wakes up if I put her down) and consequently not done enough housework (I'm also the one that gets up with toddler at night), and then he comes home and has a nap. I just remind myself that DH works long hours and batch-cooks for our family. When I have brought up the fact that he comes home and has a nap straightaway, I've framed it as concern: "are your iron levels ok?", which diffuses tension and stops it becoming a fight!

Get a cleaner.

DH refusing to drop off at nursery is an issue - would it be hugely out of his way?

I would suggest it sounds like you are making harder work of looking after a toddler than you need to. It's really not that challenging. What are you doing when you are out all day that's so tiring compared to the responsibilities of a normal day at work? Soft play..? Park..? Cafe...?

You also need to write the housework into your day and purposely make the time for it - just like you'd plan ahead for different aspects of any other job.

Does it really matter if he learns to drive right now or if the decorating gets done?

Can you afford to run two cars anyway?

Yes these are things that should happen but you are in the worst stage with a toddler. In a few months he'll be easier to entertain for slightly longer spells than the 2 minutes you'll get now.

When your husband is batch cooking can you put toddler in the high chair with some snacks that take a bit of time to eat or something to entertain him - cornflour was the favourite in our house.

Then you can wash as he cooks and it becomes less of a massive pile you have to deal with alone as I wouldn't like that.

Washing, can you not just put it away? I just fold mine off the line (kids can play outside while I do it) putting the things that go in the drawer together as I do it so it takes minutes inside. I don't understand piling laundry up as inevitably it clears rummaged through and the work undone.

Keep the house to a reasonable standard but don't go crazy.

Have a big box for toys you can put a lid or, shove down the side of the sofa or a kallax style unit so it's a case of drone everything in and hide it.

I think you are both working hard and just need to accept that right now life is busy but that this won't last forever. There's no point trying to add extras to your to do list that could realistically wait a while.

Calm down and enjoy it because patronising as it sounds, you will blink and your toddler will be in school.

I was a SAHM until my child was 4 and my DH did next to nothing in terms of domestic stuff. To be perfectly honest it really wasn't particularly hard or anxiety inducing. Sorry if that sounds trite but really with just one kid to look after (and no other complications like elderly parents, or living in a hovel with no running water!) I really don't see what all the drama is about.

Just because he likes cooking, its still a major contribution. You would have to so it otherwise. He's working full time and deserves some down time.
Agree with you about the driving though.

DIY - you're not at work he is you do it!
He cooks, works, pays for all the bills and even though you say you paid for your driving lessons with savings in actual fact you both paid. Because of he hadn't taken on paying for all the bills your savings would have had to go on those not driving lessons.
You seem very ungrateful, maybe instead of doing all the cooking on his days off he should do the DIY!

He gets three days off a week. He does absolutely NOTHING apart from cook. He doesn't even wash up, and he leaves his laundry & stuff lying around on the floor for the OP to pick up.

The whole point of being a couple with one parent who goes out to work and the other a SAHP is that you are BOTH working. Just in different ways.

So the idea is that you both muck in together when you are both at home. You then both get an equal amount of free time when it's all done. Otherwise the person who works outside the home gets all their evenings and weekends completely free to do what they like, while the SAHP works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week and never gets any free time at all.

The rules in every household I know is one person cooks, the other does the dishes.
Then when the children are old enough the adults cook the kids do the dishes!

i had 3 under 4 and could keep the house, cook and look after my children whilst my partner worked. He was hands on ish but he worked to provide for us. Sure you can cope with cleaning with just one. Surely?

Lots of food for thought here and I do appreciate everyone's opinions, even the ones saying I'm a lazy mare!

Personally I don't think our division of everything at the minute is fair so I'll try and schedule an evening where we can have a chat about it once the little one's in bed. I think we've started to lead separate lives where I sleep and wake on my toddlers schedule and he has late nights even on his days off and then sleeps in for ages the next morning.

I don't mind doing more than my fair share of chores especially whilst I'm not working a proper job but DP needs to take on more childcare on his days off.

For everyone up in arms about father's day I always intended to give him a nice day, it just rubbed me up the wrong way that he told me I could take him for a drive. If he was putting the time and effort into learning to drive himself I wouldn't be bothered and would always offer to be the one driving when it's his special occasion

Being a stay at home mum is a job. And a thankless and relentless one at that!!

So, both of you have a full time job. But outside of his working hours, everything in the house should be split equally - including childcare.

He can’t just have late nights and sleep in in the mornings on his days off - you should alternate having lie ins. You should share the cleaning and cooking or (if you both agree) have him do all cooking and you all cleaning or something. But it does not just automatically fall to you because you’re at home!

You need equal amounts of free time to pursue hobbies outside of work and childcare. He can’t just have a baby with you by his own choice but then expect all the responsibilities associated with the baby to be yours all the time just because you’re not working!

Hmm sorry but he can cope with some chores. Looking after the house with a toddler is 24/7. You don't get a pass because you work. Working is far less exhausting than a toddler.

We took on a project with a newborn and a toddler. 3 years later nothings done. It is impossible to do a Reno with young kids unless you pay someone else to do it. So I'd let that go.

But he needs to help you out with the other stuff. After work day the rest of the stuff is 50:50

I get it, my husband was the same. Would literally hide in the kitchen and chop oninons for hours on end and put them in the freezer claiming he is meal prepping. He didnt do any childcare and would step over any laundry, never once ever woke up for the baby or did any cleaning like hoovering, bathroom etc. I was on maternity leave at the time and used my savings to subsidise gap in my wage but he acted like he was paying for everything whilst I am lounging around. It caused so much resentment for me, out relationship been very shaky. things have improved somewhat (its been 4 years) after a lot of arguments and threatening divorce but resentment is still there to be honest. I went back to work full time as well, and I never want to be in this position again. He got better as now we have a toddler and to be fair he does a lot of school runs, sick leaves and half terms etc. I would say he is an involved parent and he says he just needed time to grow into this role and he regrets how he treated me then.
I dont know, maybe its just tricky time when you have little kids and both parents are tired etc. I hope it gets better for you.

That sounds great OP that you are taking all points on board. A discussion would be great and you are right on looking after the child more often as he needs to bond too.

Hope it all goes well and Best Wishes.

Did you breastfeed on demand? Did your toddler refuse the pushchair so you had to carry them everywhere? We go out most days for the full day. Today I also did all the laundry. I also do three meals a day for said toddler, pretty much all the nappies, baths etc.
It's really not that challenging if you have a relaxed toddler- I've been told my baby/now toddler is not normal, this one wants to be on me at all times because I have the milk. Toddler does not accept being on the floor when I'm making food, wants to be in my arms at all times- thereby it's impossible to cook properly. Same for tidying up.
You're ever so lucky to have such calm, agreeable DCs. Thankyou ever so much for your input and I'll bear it in mind 😊

@Whoknows101 Did you breastfeed on demand? Did your toddler refuse the pushchair so you had to carry them everywhere? We go out most days for the full day. Today I also did all the laundry. I also do three meals a day for said toddler, pretty much all the nappies, baths etc.
It's really not that challenging if you have a relaxed toddler- I've been told my baby/now toddler is not normal, this one wants to be on me at all times because I have the milk. Toddler does not accept being on the floor when I'm making food, wants to be in my arms at all times- thereby it's impossible to cook properly. Same for tidying up.
You're ever so lucky to have such calm, agreeable DCs. Thankyou ever so much for your input and I'll bear it in mind 😊

Are you for real?? He's working his arse off to pay the bills and everything else. I had 2 kids 10 months apart and was a SAHM for the 1st 10 years. I did all the household chores, cooked, cleaned, and took my kids somewhere every single day. My house wasn't a "shit tip" and we were all fed on homemade meals cooked by me!
Get over yourself. He's bringing in the money and you need to suck it up and do the lions share of everything else