I'm so disappointed in my partner since becoming parents

[Disappointedinpartner]

Have name changed for this.

We are both first time parents to a lovely 1.5 year old, he isn't a bad dad in that he does play with him but I just can't shake the fact that I feel like he's not stepping up for the family enough. Maybe I am being unfair as he does work and pretty much single handedly pay our mortgage and bills and I'm currently not working as I care for our toddler. He does the majority of cooking too (his choice) but he enjoys it and it's basically his real life job too.

But I am being left to do pretty much everything else. The house is constantly a shit tip because he does no cleaning, won't put washing away so I find stuff that I know I've laundered just left on the floor to get dirty again. Yes he'll batch cook on his days off so I just have to reheat dinners for me and the toddler whilst he's working but the kitchen is left full of dirty pots. I'm cleaning as I go as much as I can with a toddler but there's just too much mess in the first place.

We moved in to our home just before I gave birth and he's done absolutely none of the DIY, I'm the one who's somehow found time to strip wallpaper, repaint and rewallpaper. We've lived here for a while now and only one room is properly redecorated, we've had friends buy after us who are further along in more complicated renos because both partners chip in at the weekends. My partner seems to think his whole time off work should just be for relaxing and he gets three days off a week.

Pre pregnancy neither of us drove, it didn't really bother us as we lived right in the city centre and could both walk to our jobs but we didn't want to raise our child there so moved to the suburbs. I started driving lessons as soon as I could after finding out I was pregnant and have now passed my test a few months ago. Initially my partner said he would start taking lessons after we moved, then when I restarted lessons in the new area when baby was about three months old his excuse was we couldn't both afford to take lessons at the same time (this was bullshit because I paid for all my own lessons with savings set aside pre pregnancy). I passed my test three months ago and we spoke and agreed that he would start taking lessons now, I pointed out that the instructor he says he wants has a waiting list - I know as I was on it! I ended up going with someone else as I didn't want to delay any further. No surprise here but he still hasn't done anything about it and told me the other day he doesn't even know where his provisional license is so he's obviously not about to do anything about it any time soon. I am going to pick up my first car today and he was saying how I can drive us somewhere nice for father's day and I'm absolutely livid. I didn't learn to become his chauffeur, I learnt to make sure our son didn't miss out on any opportunities and so I could get him to hospital if needed!

I just feel like I've lost all respect for my partner and I don't know if there's any way forward. Don't really know what I'm looking for here but just wanted to get it all out

I genuinely don’t understand people who choose to be a SAHP yet still expect their partner to do lots of the day to day housework.
Keeping the house to a generally glean and tidy standard is not a mammoth task with a toddler, get them involved!

The driving, you’ve both managed a long time without so perhaps he doesn’t see it as much of a priority like you do. If he could drive and you couldn’t would you let him
take you out? It’s a strange attitude to say you’re not his chauffeur, you’re a couple and it’s not unusual for one person to drive in a couple.

You need to get back to work - and pay a cleaner! What do you do all day? (And yes I have had three kids - you can still do a bit of cleaning when they are 1.5)

He sounds lazy, you sound bored.

When he leaves the house between 9 & 10 in the morning, and has three days off a week?

Uhmmm.........I think he can pick up his own clothes !

I hear you OP. My DH was the same. He loves to cook. It's his hobby and also how he relaxes. So I'd be at home with the baby all day whilst he was at work and he'd then disappear into the kitchen leaving me to continue being with the baby. I had no break. I would offer to cook or even just start cooking and say I was doing it that day and he could spend time with DS whilst I got to cook whilst watching Netflix with my headphones on but it didn't go down well.

We basically had to have lots of conversations about expectations. Over and over until we got it to a place where we both felt happy with the status quo. We agreed that being a SAHM is equal to a full time job and therefore we needed to share out chores more fairly. Some of this meant that yes, as others have said, there are jobs a SAHP can do whilst the kids are around, but equally when the other parent comes home then they can do their jobs with the kids around too which means the SAHP can go to the gym, or shower, or just go out for a walk or something.

In the end we've reached an equilibrium whereby the kitchen is fully his domain. He gets to cook (which as mentioned feels like a hobby) but this means he also meal plans, shops (often with the kids) and tidies up after himself. The rest of the jobs were shared out pretty equally, weighted towards the additional time I had in the home.

I'm back to work now and we've both had to drop certain standards on expectations for how much we can achieve in terms of tidying, organisation, DIY etc, but it's working and it feels fairer.

I don't think everything you say is unreasonable. Not cleaning up after cooking is really not on. My DH and I take turns to cook but my rule is he has to clear up after his turn as otherwise he leaves a mess - and he uses far more implements, pans etc than I do, for the same meal.

He drops his clothes too and I try not to follow my instinct to tidy them up. But I still have to remind him sometimes.

It's fine that you should do the general cleaning since you're at home most of the time making the mess, but I don't think just doing the cooking absolves him of everything else.

Re DIY - can you come up with a plan together? It always takes far longer than expected. We have always shared that kind of thing.

I'm not sure why you so fussed re the driving since you can now do it and have a car. Is it onerous in some way for you to be the sole driver for a while?

Maybe pick your battles - prioritise what most needs changing and discuss that with him. Also ask how he sees things from his perspective- that's only fair, rather than blaming him for everything.

SAHM = staying at home to raise a child. NOT staying at home to be a housekeeper!? Most people pre children have full time jobs, do they not pick up their own clothes and tidy up after themselves when cooking? Or is it only men when they have knocked up a partner who get that privilege?

OP it isn’t ok, the non driving, the taking the ‘easy’ chore and fucking everything else off, keeping you at home by refusing to do nursery drop off. Ignore the trad wives, you’re not going mad but you should get mad!

Yes I totally agree about his clothes and would find that disrespectful but I still think Op is being unreasonable about the cleaning and driving lessons.

She’s not a cleaner. She’s looking after their child.

I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s doing more than his fair share. He’s working all day and cooking dinners and making sure there’s enough for you and toddler in the day.
my husband also works all day and cooks that is his choice as well butt I do all the housework and home chores as I’m at home all day. I don’t want to sound mean but a 1.5 year old is now excuse for a shit house I have a 4 month old and a 15 month old and manage to stay on top of the house

I’m assuming he isn’t complaining that you need to get back to work and pull your weight like many new mothers suffer these days. If so, it sounds like a pretty good set up to me.

The diy is an issue but not every bloke is Nick Knowles with a team of trade mates. If he doesn’t instigate diy, share it 50/50 or can afford to pay for someone to do it then there’s not a huge amount you can do.

My Dad did bits at home and looked after the cars but my Mum hugely resented his lack of interest in creating a beautiful home. She told anyone who would listen and it was a huge cloud that hung over their relationship. What she didn’t appreciate was his ability to get up day after day and do a job that he didn’t entirely love. It enabled her to work part time in a very low paid job. Now he’s gone she has his very healthy pension income every month. I feel very sad that she didn’t appreciate him for what he actually brought to the relationship.

He's doing a lot. He's working, paying the bills and cooking all meals. Who ever is at home does the washing, cleaning and childcare as their role. I was a sahm for 10 years and I did all the house stuff and cooking. If you get a job, you could share the house hold jobs with him.

Regarding me not working I will absolutely be going back once DC is old enough to get free hours, at the minute it's a catch 22 of we can't afford to put him in nursery whilst I'm not working and I can't get a job without childcare. I couldn't go back to the job I had prior to maternity leave as we moved away.

I have offered to take on something part time on one or two of partners days off so there's no childcare to pay but he's refused that option. I also found a job that was the same days as partners bar one extra morning but it was an early start so he'd have to take DC to nursery and he refused that.

When DC was a baby I used to take him on mystery shopping visits to bring a little extra cash in and now I'm taking a friend's kids to school as and when she needs me to for a little extra cash so I can take DS out and about in the week. I'm not just sitting at home expecting to be taken care of!

Do you honestly believe that because she is looking after their child means that she has no other responsibilities in the home?

He pays all the mortgage and bills and cooks all your meals and you don’t want to go for a nice drive together somewhere as a family for Father’s Day? How is that being his “chauffeur”

I think your attitude is disgusting. Maybe it’s time you went back to work.

He thinks you exist to facilitate an easy life for him. He doesn’t want to have to step up if you get a job on his non working days or a job where he has to get his own kid ready in the morning. So that’s why he is vetoing it. He’s not supporting you. He’s limiting you. He’s pretty lazy. At your expense.

Sorry OP, I doubt he will ever change. Make sure you do go back to work and build up your financial independence. I suspect one day you will be glad of it

On what grounds is he refusing to do childcare so you can work?
What is his reasons for preventing you getting a part time job?

It could be that he is lazy and doesn't want to do any childcare, but be aware of financial abuse where he could be preventing you working so that he controls you financially, and cute you off from a source of independence.

What would happen if you just took the job, and he would have to sort out nursery for one morning?

I agree that it’s not reasonable to refuse to take your ds to nursery one morning a week. How would he do that though; with a bike or on the bus? Is it walking distance?

Does he leave the house between nine and ten because he works late? Chefs’ hours are usually pretty unsociable. And it’s hard physical work too. But he should be able to manage one morning a week fhs.

Did you discuss any of this before having a baby and how you would see it working?

You can get free hours now unless your partner is earning £100k in which case as a household you can afford childcare!

I get where you’re coming from, OP, and @Headfullofbees nails it above. I too have a husband who loves to cook, and when I was a SAHM for a few years when our eldest was born, what other people would see was DH coming home from a long day at work and immediately going into the kitchen and starting dinner. “You’re so lucky!”, they would tell me. What I saw, though, was a long day at home keeping a toddler entertained and being desperate for some headspace, and then DH arriving home and disappearing into the kitchen with a podcast in his ears, while I continued to look after our child alone. It wasn’t about the specific chores - it was about the relentlessness of being a full-time carer for a small child, and how half an hour scrubbing the bath on your own would feel like a holiday in comparison.

After dinner tonight, announce you are using his driving lesson money to buy a dishwasher.
Tell him that cleaning is not your relaxing hobby.
You don't enjoy it.
He clearly isn't bothered to learn to drive so doesn't need that money set aside.

Are you positive you have practical means set up in your joint home?

A laundry basket in the bedroom?

A dish washer? Look at 'table top dishwasher' No mains plumbing, 2 or 4 place setting, plug into a socket, sits on the draining board, you fill the water tank and the hose drains into the sink.Takes the same amount of water as a washing up bowl. This single purchase stopped dead any arguments in my home. Imagine a life with zero conflict over washing up.
Shoe rack in the hall? 2?
Coat hooks in the hall? 4 per person, toddlers low down on wall. Buy 3 racks from a poundland and a large tube of diy adhesive(like Gorilla gun). Glue on and small nails in place until it dries overnight. Basket for gloves.
Toy box downstairs? Storage in dc bedroom. Rotate weekly.
Waste paper basket in each room.
Surface in the bedroom for placing of clean laundered clothes, chair, dresser top, bedside table? Never the bed, gets tossed on the floor.

From tomorrow morning, model/teach the behaviour you want your son to learn for his future partner.
Rubbish in the bin. Clothes in the basket. Dishes in the sink. Toys in the box.

You don't have to fight all the battles at once. Start with basic put away not down rules. Build on that.

Tell him you’ve been reflecting on the fairness of your family set up and you’re going to go back to work to match his hours with the expectation he does half of all the physical and mental load and half of all childcare. Write it all up for him (list EVERYTHING, think doctors appointments, making sure your child has the right seasonal clothing, buying presents etc) and ask him to identify the half of the work he’s going to take on. With any luck it will give him a bit of perspective. If he pushes back on you going back to work tell him if you stay out of work then the expectation is that for the hours he’s at work you’ll do the childcare and as much tidying and cleaning as you can, but that outside of his working hours you share tasks and childcare and have equal opportunities for rest and play. Explain that that is fair because at the moment he gets a rest from his job and you don’t from yours (caring for a toddler). Explain that that makes you feel like your contribution (raising your child) is only worth his (finances) when you do your job 24 hours a day 365 days a year, and he does his 4 days a week. I would also start making plans which require you to leave your toddler with him on one of his days off. Just a few hours here and there to do something to refill your cup (brunch with friends, a bit of shopping etc). When you return to find him a bit frazzled and probably having done no housework you might find he’s realised he’s been selfish in not supporting you to have any rest.

I think the point OP is making is that DPs life hasn’t really changed, he does what he always has ( work, cook) and doesn’t want to make the extra effort now required. OP s comment about him saying he “ didn’t have time “ to do a nursery run despite not having to leave the house till after 9 on a work day, shows where his head is at - he doesn’t think his life should be impacted by having a baby or by doing the DIY.
OP is working, looking after a toddler, which is full on. Maybe the toddler naps, maybe OP does a few chores then, but maybe she sits down with a coffee and a book. That’s OK, I bet DP gets a lunch break when he can do what he wants. He probably takes tea breaks too.
It is annoying being the only driver, and DP should step up there. Is he frightened of driving? OP, it’s worth you finding his licence and get the ball rolling. Ask him why he isn’t doing it.
As for housework and DiY, it’s hard to do with a toddler around. You can fit in bits during the day, but not the major stuff.
If DP won’t step up I’d : tell him you are not re washing clean clothes left with dirty ones. One chance and then anything in the floor goes into a big bag and left for him to deal with.
As for washing up after he cooks, sometimes you could leave it, so that he can deal with it . Tell him you’re not doing all the skivvy work. I’m assuming youre dealing with bedtime etc while he is cooking- maybe get him to do some bedtimes while you cook. Don’t step into being the one completely responsible for the baby. Go out by yourself -regular yoga class or something. Tell him to take the baby out so you can do the DiY , do this a lot! Maybe get a part time job on the days DP is at home to pay for decorators, and to get DP used to taking full responsibility for the baby. If you don’t train him up now, he’ll get used to you being his housemaid and chauffeur.
Being aSAHM is lovely but it does have its drawbacks in terms of finances, power and equality in a relationship and you have to manage that carefully. You also need to know that DP is going to be thinking what is in it for him if he is taking in the sole financial burden. Maybe you both need to talk more about expectations, he probably thinks he is justified in his approach but you won’t know till you ask him, not just telling him what you think.

Hi OP. It sounds las though your DH is oblivious to the whole team (you, your DD and your DH) needs. He’s taken one at home chore, and only does the bit he likes, leaving all the rest to you. That is not a fair split.

is your time off equal?

what happens when you talk through how much free and working time you each have (it should be the same)?

it might be that you don’t have the same list of things that need doing, could be worth talking that through too. I’m thinking renovation stuff which could be more a preference that’s necessity, not clearing the kitchen post cooking which is clearly a necessity.

As a fellow SAHM to a toddler, I think you are being unreasonable. Your partner earns all the money and does all the cooking, including for the meals he's not even there for! On his working days, the rest should be on you.

On the days he's off work, he can spend time with your toddler while you crack on with the DIY- there's no reason it has to be him who does it.