I'm so disappointed in my partner since becoming parents

[Disappointedinpartner]

Have name changed for this.

We are both first time parents to a lovely 1.5 year old, he isn't a bad dad in that he does play with him but I just can't shake the fact that I feel like he's not stepping up for the family enough. Maybe I am being unfair as he does work and pretty much single handedly pay our mortgage and bills and I'm currently not working as I care for our toddler. He does the majority of cooking too (his choice) but he enjoys it and it's basically his real life job too.

But I am being left to do pretty much everything else. The house is constantly a shit tip because he does no cleaning, won't put washing away so I find stuff that I know I've laundered just left on the floor to get dirty again. Yes he'll batch cook on his days off so I just have to reheat dinners for me and the toddler whilst he's working but the kitchen is left full of dirty pots. I'm cleaning as I go as much as I can with a toddler but there's just too much mess in the first place.

We moved in to our home just before I gave birth and he's done absolutely none of the DIY, I'm the one who's somehow found time to strip wallpaper, repaint and rewallpaper. We've lived here for a while now and only one room is properly redecorated, we've had friends buy after us who are further along in more complicated renos because both partners chip in at the weekends. My partner seems to think his whole time off work should just be for relaxing and he gets three days off a week.

Pre pregnancy neither of us drove, it didn't really bother us as we lived right in the city centre and could both walk to our jobs but we didn't want to raise our child there so moved to the suburbs. I started driving lessons as soon as I could after finding out I was pregnant and have now passed my test a few months ago. Initially my partner said he would start taking lessons after we moved, then when I restarted lessons in the new area when baby was about three months old his excuse was we couldn't both afford to take lessons at the same time (this was bullshit because I paid for all my own lessons with savings set aside pre pregnancy). I passed my test three months ago and we spoke and agreed that he would start taking lessons now, I pointed out that the instructor he says he wants has a waiting list - I know as I was on it! I ended up going with someone else as I didn't want to delay any further. No surprise here but he still hasn't done anything about it and told me the other day he doesn't even know where his provisional license is so he's obviously not about to do anything about it any time soon. I am going to pick up my first car today and he was saying how I can drive us somewhere nice for father's day and I'm absolutely livid. I didn't learn to become his chauffeur, I learnt to make sure our son didn't miss out on any opportunities and so I could get him to hospital if needed!

I just feel like I've lost all respect for my partner and I don't know if there's any way forward. Don't really know what I'm looking for here but just wanted to get it all out

I also thought you sounded mean when you said you didn’t want to drive him somewhere for Father’s Day. You’re a family now! Make the most of special occasions and enjoy them, don’t resent him for it.

It’s difficult to adjust after having a child but he does work and cook. I agree that he shouldn’t be leaving clean clothes on the floor. Since you are at home can you put them in his cupboard or wardrobe? It would take a minute. This is why I still put my dc’s clothes away as if I didn’t they would get all mixed up
and I would hate it. Easier for me to do that one small job.

Didn’t you talk through all of this in detail before having your child? I was very clear before we ttc that I wouldn’t be stepping back professionally, so that, if DH wanted a child, he would need to be the one who took a more flexible role or stop work, if necessary.

This is exactly what I was going to write

I am wondering how many relationships would survive if people took their partner for who they are and not some romantic 'cookie cutter' expectation they probably picked up off watching influencers on social media

So many people seem to think it's fair that if you stay home you should work every waking hour while the 'working' partner gets their days off in full peace and quiet. It's insanity!!! He's not sharing the load evenings and weekends! Why does SAHM mean you do every piece of labour in the home? Cooking is not labour if you enjoy it and someone is cleaning up after you, it's a hobby! It's obviously a contribution to the household still, but contributions should be equal. If one of you is working significantly more hours than the other then it's not equal.
My ex was the same except minus the cooking and it was so bloody hurtful and exhausting.

It’s about relaxation time though - he’s having three full days she’s having none!

Ex chef here, I really, really didn't want to cook after doing it all day. Sounds like he does it, because he is good at it, not because he wants to.

You don't sound as if you're stepping up to be a family either, especially given the father's day comment.

Having a child adds a whole new set of responsibilities to the household and to the parents. Both parents need to make changes to accommodate this, with both doing more than they did pre children, because there is now more to be done!

So I think the question here is. What did he do prior to having your child? Compared to after having your child? If not much has changed for him then that's a sign he's not pulling his weight, because it is never fair that only one parent absorbs all the additional 'work' that is required to look after a child.

A renegotiation of household and childcare responsibilities needs to had. Maybe look into the book Fair Play - that's intended to help couples agree how best to share the load of family life.

I also see what you are saying about driving. Watch out you don’t end up driving him to and from work/train. It will start with a wet day…

How nasty! I hate this attitude by drivers towards non drivers. It's as if you were born driving. For any reason you might find yourself out of a car or driving licence. It's like your entire identity is the car 🙄

The driving thing is annoying but other than that you're taking the p*ss!

He is working full time, you are not working. Looking after a 1.5yr old is not a full time occupation and no reason you can't do the cleaning etc at the same time.

Loads of people do it all, on their own.

I think you’re being unreasonable. As a stay at home parent, I would see it as my full time job to cover house, cleaning, laundry etc. I have always worked two days, done all the above and cooked every night too. On a weekend when my DH isn’t working we will do gardens and diy together but I do a lot of the diy too.

if you’re feeling stretched, I’d consider nursery for one day a week and do the bulk of housework then so you have more time the rest of the week.

So a working parent has to come home and help a non working parent, how does a non working parent help the working parent?

No, I believe they have equal responsibilities in the home.

he’s also taking away her choices - even down to what food they’re eating.

Do you get three days off to do nothing but relax and cook a couple meals ? Guessing no.

His three days off aren’t just for him, he needs to sort himself out.

I feel your frustration. He is not doing childcare which is 24 hours. He’s picking what he likes to do and not doing stuff he doesn’t. I think a lot of people of here have worse but that doesn’t make his behaviour better just because he does the cooking. My DH does the same - hides in the kitchen. This morning he announced he had stuff to do - not stuff with the family. His own hair cut, buying pest control, gardening and batch cooking. All important but none actually urgent compared to cleaning, laundry and a family event! All could wait until tomorrow. He even suggested I went to the family event by myself with the kids so he could get on. It’s some sort of mismatch between thinking you are contributing because you are earning and cooking, and actually having a conversation and splitting jobs. I work full time and still do 95% of the childcare, I check in on everything. I went on strike about 1 year ago from cleaning as was fed up & just exhausted and he did pick up more. However he is clearly not happy about it and I sometimes wonder how he would have coped if I had take the very senior job I was offered (I declined to be more present with my kids). The sad reality is he would have left me as would have been in the position I’m in now (working full time & 95% of the childcare plus housework & organising all family admin!). Sadly we have so much to do to change the culture of men picking up their fair share at home. Maybe keep a diary and work out the hours and present him with the evidence! 3 days off he should certainly be with kids or diy one day, household chore one day and the remaining day kids 🤣 for that is life as a parent!

Yes I agree! Just mad - we cycle and have a trailer. You can get around a city and do nursery drop-off without needing a car!

He’s not pulling his weight at all and I’m surprised so many people are on his side here? You’re providing childcare so he can work freely during the day and then doing 99% of the household chores too? Going to work and cooking dinner is all he does? Sign me up, sounds absolutely delightful.

She’s looking after/raising his child all day so he can work whichever hours he chooses.

You’re coming across as a bit lazy OP. Go back to work!

When my kids were babies / toddlers I was at home while DH was at work. He worked long hours and paid the bills, I looked after the children and the home. I also cooked and did the DIY.
I would love to be at home all day every day still and I would happily do everything at home.
thankfully I only work 3 days a week but I still do most things at home.
I’m not really sure what you are moaning about, it sounds normal form me.

Don’t wanna come across as a hater nor someone that isn’t seeing your point of view. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and that’s not wrong but I actually can’t understand how when you’ve wrote this all down how you were not able to read it back and see that you are coming across a little unreasonable. You are a stay at home mum, you have said how he works and also helps with the household chores…..God I could only dream to have such a partnership on that front especially as you’ve said he enjoys doing those things. I’m a stay at home mum with 7 children including a 2 and 1 year old. I do all the housework while husband works and cook tea every night. It’s ready for when he gets home. Do the washing etc. I was in hospital for 6 weeks before having my youngest so husband was juggling the house, work and kids and although he coped very well(ish) prob better than most men he doesn’t see what actually gets done housework wise or what is done to run the house. Does it frustrate me when he thinks I stay at home and it’s just fun and games yes but equally I appreciate the little things he does and also appreciate he is at work all day. I appreciate that he plays with the kids and is the super fun one. Now DIY, I do understand your frustration. My hubby is more than capable but fml isn’t ver proactive while I’m a ‘do’ er. I do all our diy around the house because if I don’t just wouldn’t get done. I do it around having the kids at home where he can not juggle both I would need to take them out for the day that’s frustrating but again he is tired from work and it’s a different tired to my tired. My husband was a late driver, but turned out his excuses were just excuses it was actually because he was nervous and isn’t a natural driver. My hubby can be rather ‘me me me’ and that’s how you sound in your post. But like I say to my other half, maybe concentrate a little less on your feelings and see what he actually does do which by all accounts is a lot more than most, and maybe see how much you expect maybe wearing him down and be making him feel. He probably feels like he is not good enough which is very sad indeed.

I feel sorry for your husband. He’s got all the financial burden, he cooks and you are still not happy. Getting back to work and splitting housework etc would be a good idea before you both get resentful of the others easier life…

Why can’t you tidy up if you’re home every day ? It honestly confuses me when I see posts like this, me and dp both work full time and have a kid and the house isn’t a scruffy mess and laundry over pilled. Do the 30 mins a day method, each room takes 30mins to tidy.

It seems you have so much resentment but missing the fact of what he is actually doing. Best believe if I was paying the mortgage and bills AND cooking I’d want to be coming home to a spotless house most days

I have read a few of your updates. Whether he enjoys to cook this irrelevant he is still doing it. As for not accepting nursery drop offs before work, I completely understand your frustration me and my bestie often moan about this one. It’s infuriating that arranging childcare, nursery/school drop offs usually are the mums responsibility. Men seem to be able to get themselves dressed walk out the door for work with no care in the world at how our babies are getting to childcare. It’s bloody infuriating but seems to be life. Also our jobs often come second to our other half’s again us looking for work around our children and partners jobs. I do find it rather unfair but also at the same time I think women usually are more capable of juggling than men. I gave childcare responsibilities to arrange to my ex husband (I’m now remarried my first comment was based on my current hubby) when I returned to work when our youngest was school age a few days a week fml it wasn’t worth the point I was trying to make about fairness 😂😂 like I honestly by day2 wished I hadn’t bothered it was like Armageddon 😂😂 xx

majority of us on this thread has had children that age so can understand, I still kept on top of housework when dp was at work with a baby. A baby does not need full entertainment for 8hrs a day.