I'm so disappointed in my partner since becoming parents

[Disappointedinpartner]

Have name changed for this.

We are both first time parents to a lovely 1.5 year old, he isn't a bad dad in that he does play with him but I just can't shake the fact that I feel like he's not stepping up for the family enough. Maybe I am being unfair as he does work and pretty much single handedly pay our mortgage and bills and I'm currently not working as I care for our toddler. He does the majority of cooking too (his choice) but he enjoys it and it's basically his real life job too.

But I am being left to do pretty much everything else. The house is constantly a shit tip because he does no cleaning, won't put washing away so I find stuff that I know I've laundered just left on the floor to get dirty again. Yes he'll batch cook on his days off so I just have to reheat dinners for me and the toddler whilst he's working but the kitchen is left full of dirty pots. I'm cleaning as I go as much as I can with a toddler but there's just too much mess in the first place.

We moved in to our home just before I gave birth and he's done absolutely none of the DIY, I'm the one who's somehow found time to strip wallpaper, repaint and rewallpaper. We've lived here for a while now and only one room is properly redecorated, we've had friends buy after us who are further along in more complicated renos because both partners chip in at the weekends. My partner seems to think his whole time off work should just be for relaxing and he gets three days off a week.

Pre pregnancy neither of us drove, it didn't really bother us as we lived right in the city centre and could both walk to our jobs but we didn't want to raise our child there so moved to the suburbs. I started driving lessons as soon as I could after finding out I was pregnant and have now passed my test a few months ago. Initially my partner said he would start taking lessons after we moved, then when I restarted lessons in the new area when baby was about three months old his excuse was we couldn't both afford to take lessons at the same time (this was bullshit because I paid for all my own lessons with savings set aside pre pregnancy). I passed my test three months ago and we spoke and agreed that he would start taking lessons now, I pointed out that the instructor he says he wants has a waiting list - I know as I was on it! I ended up going with someone else as I didn't want to delay any further. No surprise here but he still hasn't done anything about it and told me the other day he doesn't even know where his provisional license is so he's obviously not about to do anything about it any time soon. I am going to pick up my first car today and he was saying how I can drive us somewhere nice for father's day and I'm absolutely livid. I didn't learn to become his chauffeur, I learnt to make sure our son didn't miss out on any opportunities and so I could get him to hospital if needed!

I just feel like I've lost all respect for my partner and I don't know if there's any way forward. Don't really know what I'm looking for here but just wanted to get it all out

You could easily reverse that - he is working long hours so OP can afford to stay at home and look after her child rather than putting him in childcare and not seeing him as much. All depends on your prejudice, of which there is quite a lot on display in this thread

Sorry - Woman here so definitely not the Patriarchy:

Does her work pay for the house, the car, the clothes they wear, the bills, the shopping etc??? That's a heavy load from experience.

This is not an attack against women but simply pointing out that everyone has to contribute in their own way to the numerous and demanding requirements of just living.

This guy sounds like a chef, if so he is on his feet all day? Quoting the OP "He does the majority of cooking too (his choice) but he enjoys it and it's basically his real life job too"....

To try and give helpful practical tips to OP @Disappointedinpartner :

Some people are just not good at keeping tidy so might be helpful to look at some tips to make things easier like helpful tubs in every room to capture 'stuff' for scheduled cleaning at intervals?

Try Flylady and some PP have mentioned other sites which have been helpful for myself working full time, rearing children and having to do the cleaning and the DIY myself.

Best wishes and hope you can organise a way forward with your partner that works for both of you. It can be done:)

I never understood people that say they have a child then cant clean up.
Do it when the baby is a sleep or let them play in the playpen or get them involved with helping make it fun.

Not having to work or cook sounds like a pretty good deal. If your fed up with the SAHP role go back to work and look at sourcing out for the cleaning and DIY.

Yes you could but either way a grown man doesn’t get to leave his clean washing lying all over the floor and not clean up after himself purely because he works. She’s his partner, not his maid.

Tbh he sounds like he does a lot…. and that’s from your version as well! Your life sounds pretty good on the whole. I don’t think asking to be driven to a Father’s Day celebration is taking the mick - I would be offering to drive if I were you.
You need to sit down like adults and discuss how you can make each other’s lives easier/pleasant
without blame or rancour.

I can 100% see where you are coming from, there is no time out for you at all! Yes he works & cooks, but then leaves all the dishes pots & pans to add to everything else you have to do at home, he sounds like a totally lazy very selfish man, you really must feel like your a single parent with the an extra child! Being a parent should be a shared experience especially for the bonding part onbuilding your own relationship up with your baby, how you can change him i dont know but definitely try to, because where is your days off a week? To just have some you time? This is how mums become resentful seeing they partner, just be able to up & go! We all know the struggle as a mum to get ready to go out anywhere, we first have to get a tidy house, who hates coming home to a house that's not be cleaned? Getting a baby ready to go out is a chore on its own, plus getting yourself ready ! How many have cancelled an outing because you were not ready in time? No i totally agree with you ,sit him down & set a shared rota up, if he doesn't agree & start sharing his child's life as an adult & start helping with the household chores, time for change, i know this will be hard, but leave the washing unwashed and the dishes unwashed, plus everything else hes not pulling his weight doing, your parents equally, so when you start back working there is a work routine in place to keep everything as it should be and that is called shared responsibility on having a child together! good luck please stay strong, mentally emotionally & physically , men & women are equal your not a little woman stuck at home! Your a parent.

Her work does indeed help pay for the bills because without her providing the childcare for her partner to work, he wouldn’t be able to. They’re a team, she’s not a maid which is what she’s being treated like.

So he works pays the bills and does the cooking. Yes he needs to learn to drive but that’s the only thing he does wrong. You need to pay someone to decorate. Cleaning and laundry I’d be expecting a stay at home parent to do. Where are you leaving his laundry so that it gets put on the floor? Can’t you put it away. If things are bothering you that much then go back to work. Most people don’t have the luxury of being a stay at home parent.

You’ve got different ideas of what being equal partners means. To you, it’s equal downtime. To him, it’s an equal number of responsibilities (his: work and cook; yours: childcare and cleaning). The “right” way is probably somewhere between the two, and that means having open and honest communication and recognising that each of you is viewing this from a different perspective.

Unless you or your child have health issues there is no reason for your house to be a shit tip. Even if he is messy (which he shouldn’t be) surely you can find enough time to clean and tidy.

you are expecting far too much!!

He works full time, cooks and is a good dad. You are home all day with an 18 month old to entertain all day which I know is hard (have one myself). But you can clean when they are about. It sounds like he is potentially isn’t tidying after himself when cooking so speak to him about that but as for the rest you can’t get him to cook, clean AND work while your sole job is childcare!

Sorry I think im missing where he's not pulling his weight 😅

Exactly this! A realtionship is a partnership and honestly he's doing a fair share and more than a lot of men would. Instead of complaining about the shit tip, do something about while you're home all day!
If the DIY isn't getting done (have you ever considered he may not know how, or want to do it) so get someone in to do the jobs. My son hates DIY with a passion and would rather pay for someone who can do the job than make a mess of it himself.

Hi @Disappointedinpartner
Toddlers are hard work but that’s your job if you’re not going out to work.
if he’s paying for you all as a family/ and also cooking / then keeping the house in order and looking after your toddler is your job. Then there will be family times together where you’re sharing the load of looking after your boy.

TBH posts like this irritate me. I was a completely loan parent complete financial responsibility for my home and child / yes I had childcare help whilst I worked but the minute I walked through the door I was on my own looking after my child, and then tidying up the house / washing ironing and working late.

Your job is to bring up your toddler in the day and keep the house in order.
If you’re unsure how to do this - then look at some help. It’s not too hard, get organised read something like the Organised Mum if you need guidelines.

I agree with the people saying it sounds like he’s doing quite a lot already, when I was at home with 2 preschool aged children I didn’t expect my husband to come home and have to do the cleaning/ washing as well - I saw that as part of being home all day.

I don't really understand why the house is a shit tip all the time 1 toddler really is not that much work, chuck them a cloth or dustpan and brush while you are cleaning and they are more than happy to 'help'. If they take a nap for an hour that's plenty of time to put the washing away and a quick clean of bathroom/toilet and still sit down for a coffee. If I was him i would be disappointed that I worked to make sure my partner and kid were looked after, cooked for them on my days off and it still wasn't good enough. Someone isn't pulling their weight and its not him.

Firstly he should be cleaning up after he cools, it's rubbish to cook then leave the kitchen a mess for someone else to clean.

Secondly it looks like he cools in batches so maybe once a week which means he has 2 days where he does absolutely nothing except rest, motherhood doesn't come with rest days so that's also unacceptable.

Thirdly he shouldn't be making her life harder by throwing stuff all over and not picking after himself after OP has eg done the laundry. He is not a child and can clean up after himself which will in turn make things easier to maintain and keep clean.

If he gets to just relax during his 3 days off aside cooking then what days does OP get off to relax?

He's working and doing all the cooking including batch cooking for during the week? That sounds pretty good. It's not like the money just earns itself...

Going back to work did fuck all in terms of equality for us. I had to go back at 7 months and guess what, I just had more to do and less time.

I get it. My DH is not as lazy as yours but still a disappointment.

Looking after a child is hard, hard work. For men it's optional, for us it's not.

There's a reason so many divorce when kids are in school. You realize you've done the hard part by yourself, you may as well ditch the dead weight now.

With one toddler and no job, you should be doing most the housework.

It sounds like your partner does his fair share, op.

Could you afford to get somebody in to clean for a couple of hours every week, or even fortnightly? It would be worth it, professional cleaners really blitz a place and would give you peace of mind.

Here we go .. since when did looking after a child become a full time job.

These whining women on here make me laugh, you have a whole day to keep your house clean and tidy, you don’t even have to cook. Two hours max a day housework and your house should be clean, tidy and fully functional.

Plus you won’t even drive your OH out for a Father’s Day treat … I just don’t get it!

I could just imagine the comments on here if the roles were reversed, get off your settee and get stuck in … that’s life, get on with it.

Talk about lazy! He works full time and pays all the bills, and cooks, and you resent taking him out for Father’s Day? You’re lucky that you can afford to live comfortably off one income - many women find that they have to go back to work once maternity finishes.

Agree completely.