DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

Thank you. I agree, it's not a choice, we are who we are and we like who we like. I was trying to say that there are people out there who do think it's a choice, when it actually isn't a choice. It's part of who a person is.

The point of messages doesn't always come across as intended in text form. 🙂

I understand, thank you for responding 🙂
I didn't mean it to be 'snarky' for want of a better word, at all.

I do actually yes, because I've lived through something very similar where a family member couldn't accept another family member being gay. There are stages they go through, and sometimes people just need a little time to get their head around it.

Believe me, I've called out homophobia, numerous times with the same person - it's infuriating.

Some people are so deeply religious, living by the bible or their culture etc. that it's ingrained in them to not accept this, so overcoming this takes time for many, and any progress made is a positive step forward.

Aaaaand missing the point once again.

Cool lecture, though, thanks 👍

Being told by religion what to believe, isn’t the same as having your own belief. Religion picks what bits to bang on about, the “best bits” to make sure their followers remain under control. Books written by men many years ago, surprise surprise, saying being gay is bad. They didn’t know any better. Of course they would say that.

We do know better, and this DH should also know better.

His family know him well though, and this reaction is the primitive reaction of a person blindly believing what he’s been told to believe. He doesn’t know how to think for himself apparently.
The other stuff condemned in their books, which the old men who wrote them decided were wrong, we can ignore apparently, because we know better.

It's nice to see the "fashionably tolerant" on here are so tolerant of cultural and religious beliefs. It really doesn't take a lot of insight and empathy to see that someone without liberal modern western world values may initially react in shock and with negativity to their son being gay. It doesn't mean he's going to feel that way long term, but a little understanding for his "grieving process" wouldn't be too hard to comprehend.

People need to realise that it's very easy to dismiss someone as a bigot but it is possible for someone with intolerances to change their views. The father currently has homophobic views which come from his upbringing and experiences. But having an openly gay son adds to those experiences and gives him the possibility to consider his views and balance those against the love he has for his family and come to a more tolerant understanding of differences. I agree that the latest update from the OP is positive and while it's early for the boyfriend to be reintroduced I do think that will be part of the father's journey to acceptance. I know my religious PILs were much happier once they met SILs partner and saw how happy she made SIL and how well suited they were.

Youre not wrong that that can happen, but I very much doubt it will in OP's case simply due to her husband's apparent disapproval of his son from day one. Their relationship is already fractured and the son's actions as an almost adult (wanting it to be a secret from him, getting away quickly) illustrates that.

If they're to have any relationship going forward I'd say it would be civil at best. And will require a personality transplant for the father and an angelic personality from the son.

What "other stuff" is condemned? As someone who is reading a lot about religions these days, do you not maybe feel it's god's actual divine willl?

Given that OP's DH is a Sikh I'm less inclined to the religious argument but I still do understand why he'd be acting that way.

I think the DH should be allowed not to allow DS's partner around in their house, but whatever DS does outside of the house is the DS's choice.

Lots of too harsh comments on here. It has come as a shock to your dh, he found them like that and that wasn't the best way for him to find out. Would it have been better if Ds had told his dad? Maybe not you'll never know.
My dd is bisexual and her dad and I couldn't care less and would give short shrift to anyone who had an opinion on it, however I'm aware that many people wouldn't accept it or struggle to come to terms with it.

You can't force people to change their views and thoughts but you can hell them overcome it.

'Our sons gay Bob, build a bridge and get over it'.

I'd let him stay with his bf. He needs space from his dad.

Is shock also a synonym for “verbally abusive”, “angry” or “aggressive”? Because that’s what OP’s husband was. Shock turning into anger and aggression makes him strongly homophobic, but I’d argue that “shock” is a strong reaction in itself to something if you don’t think it’s wrong or acceptable.

Maybe it’s semantics, but surprise is a far milder reaction than shock. I’d maybe be surprised to find my son cuddling a man, which means doing an initial double take and then getting on as usual. I’d not be shocked, which is a far stronger reaction and implies I’m stunned and not in control of my reactions. Maybe I’m just more precise in my usage of words than others though. To me, shock is losing control of your rational thought, a sense of disbelief. I can’t imagine why you’d feel that way about discovering someone was gay, if being gay wasn’t an issue for you.

And I absolutely wouldn't have him speak with the boyfriend. Under no circumstances. He has already told you his view that two men having sex is wrong. But that is something the two boys need to decide upon together. Your husband doesn't get to interrogate the boyfriend about these things. Or accuse him of leading his son astray.

The only thing he should be saying to the boyfriend is sorry.

Your kid needs to keep his relationship far away from his father.

I don’t think it is that easy for some men to accept their sons are gay no matter what ethnicity they are. Most will accept eventually but it may take some time.

im not excusing behaviour but just from experience it is an adjustment process if they hadn’t suspected (I think mums are just better at realising and suspecting so it’s not a shock).

my dad is fully accepting of my brother but it took a few months if I’m honest, he used language like “I’m worried because he won’t have a normal life” and “I’m worried he’ll be lonely when old” rather than outright bigotry, also my otherwise liberal dad seemed to think there was an element of choice which I was able to explain that it’s not.

Give time, whilst reaffirming that he’s your son and his welfare and happiness is paramount, a bit of space is for the best. The Indian culture may not be helping so do look up targeted support groups for more specific help eg religious support explaining how we are all god’s children whatever our sexuality, plus remember that there is no real reason why your son needs to explicitly come out to the wider community at the moment, let your db get comfortable.

Finding these things out can be a bit of a shock. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and shaken up when I discovered that my father was gay 35 years ago when I was a teenager. He was married to my mother, but, as we later found out, had a whole different life.
My father had been born in an age where homosexuality was illegal and a criminal offence, so of course he hid it. The repercussions were horrendous. The sneaking around, depression, drinking, gas lighting my mother. It descended into a wholly dysfunctional environment where both parents drank very heavily and my father sadly died at 50 as a result.

Unfortunately the effects are still very much felt as my sister also spiralled into alcohol addiction and is now terminally unwell with end stage liver failure. The repercussions of suppressing sexuality and the shame that goes along with it run deep and can last generations.

Your DH needs some space to get his head around things (although not too long) and then he needs to apologise for reacting badly and tell your son that he loves him and is proud of him.

One of the things that irks me about male gay culture, Pride and drag etc is that it overtly sexualises homosexuality and can present men in a stereo typical effeminate and bitchy way. Being gay is just one small aspect of your son and doesn't define his character. Your DH needs to see your son as the sum of all his parts.

In the meantime your DS needs lots of support from you and his sister.

If your DH doesn't come around quickly (and it's certainly possible to do an about turn), then you need to consider asking him to move out. He needs to get his head straight and ask himself whether he would rather have a son, who just happens to be gay, or the possibility of a dead or alcoholic unhappy son. That is the reality.

Well done for having your son's back though.

OP’s husband sounds awful to be honest. I could forgive the initial shock due to his culture but to continue and double down is pretty unacceptable and unforgivable

I recognise the OP as she's posted before. I think her husband is very controlling, if I remember correctly.

OPs son presumably isn't married with children though so it's not really the same thing.

Any purpose for your last sentence. It's not a pissing contest

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread but wanted to add my perspective as a middle-aged gay woman. I came out to my parents (then in their mid-50ies) in the mid-1990ies, in my mid-20ies. My parents, my mother especially, didn't take it well at all. Interaction with her was horrible for a very long time. My father could simply not bring himself to talk about it at all - his generation didn't have the words to talk about it, if that makes sense. I nevertheless chose to stay in contact, partly because of an old-fashioned belief that blood runs thicker than water, and partly out of recognition that they, like everyone, were a product of their time and culture. I was also living in the UK (alone), whose social norms were and still are more liberal than those of our origin country. Over the decades, our relationship improved. I wouldn't say they have come round, exactly, but they've made an effort, I've made an effort, and 'it'll do'. It also helped that I had a child, who is the light of all of our lives.

My 2p, for what it's worth, is that it seems to me you are doing exactly the right thing by giving both your son and your husband space to adjust to this new reality. It may well take a bit of time, and that's ok. That your husband wants to meet the BF is a good sign, I think. His concerns over the age/experience gap are valid, and quite honestly might be similar if your son was in a hetero relationship. You could also gently remind your husband that being gay, these days, does not necessarily preclude becoming a parent.

Also, for what it's worth, your acceptance and support of your son is lovely, and it will be a great source of strength for your son to have that.

I agree regarding the pride parades...they don't help matters. They don't seem to garner more respect either. I don't think it helps to refer to homosexuals as gay either, it's derogatory and disempowering, it's a term that should be thrown in the bin along with other slurs that we aren't allowed to mention on here.

When you think about how racism was tackled, it wasn't done by parading through the streets in sexualised outfits, it was tackled by people saying NO, calling it out. Holding the police to account and making them investigate racist attack. Being firm and not tolerating abuse is the way to stop people from picking on you, not by sticking rainbow flags everywhere.

Sometimes respect has to be commanded, not asked for. All of these businesses that stick rainbows in their shop windows every summer, they only care about generating more custom. The real way to protect a minority group under attack is by being firm and not accepting abuse.

If someone is a homosexual, lesbian, bisexual or pansexual, then they should be free to live their lives without fear of abuse. I'd argue that karate lessons would be more useful to the lesbian and homosexual communities than pride parades.

i am sorry but Pride parades/festivals are so necessary.

It's about showing that you don't hide, that you don't lie or "try to be normal".

Pride is not just about being gay, it's Bi, Pan, lesbian, Queer and Trans (sorry, I knwo MN is anti-trans but I am not).

Too many people still hide and it's vital for them to know it's ok to be out, to be loud and happy.
Unless people are ok with LGBTQ+ people around all the time and everywhere, parades have to be done to push it into mainstream.

I agree with the companies using Pride to gain customers, the majority can't be bothered 11 months in each year.

People will call out for racism because it's easy to spot, but LGBTQ+, lots will not be easily identifyable and why should they, it's about accepting them as "normal;", not as someone who has to come out and announce their sexuality.
Otherwise why is it still a huge thing that someone in the pubic eye is "coming out", nobody is "coming out" as straight.

I agree regarding the pride parades...they don't help matters.

Spoken by someone who has never needed one.

I don't think it helps to refer to homosexuals as gay either, it's derogatory and disempowering, it's a term that should be thrown in the bin along with other slurs that we aren't allowed to mention on here.

“Gay” is not a slur. “Homosexual” is disliked as a term by many gay people due to its history as a medical definition.

But the issue is that the suppression of feelings and the shame can cause untold issues. The circumstances don't have to be the same. Remember that guy from Bristol whose wife ended up killed in South Africa? He had been forced to hide his sexuality due to his culture. That didn't end well.

I actually do think that Pride is necessary, but I would like to see it less dominated by men and less sexualised. It would be nice if it could be more accessible for families. I have attended a couple of parades, but felt that the leather bondage gear and bottomless leather chaps cheapened the cause.