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Original poster

DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

362 replies

Puzzledmum67 · 06/06/2025 19:38

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

OP posts:
DontReplyIWillLie · 07/06/2025 05:11

SquashedMallow · 06/06/2025 19:52

Op please be careful posting on here. In Mumsnet world there are a lot of virtue signallers who would all pack their bags and tell their DH to "fuck off".

Its common for a parent to "mourn" the loss of what they thought their child's future looked like. Man with woman , kids, tradition. That doesn't make them a homophobe.

It may take time to "mourn" this loss, humans can and do display "knee jerk" reactions when upset. Your son may even come to understand this. We can't Molly cuddle gay people and expect that all parents are going to be waving the rainbow flag and gushing with pride instantly. That's not fair to give that expectation and then encourage "fuck offs" and "no contacts" when it doesn't go exactly like that.

Sometimes there can be an initial "grieving process" and worries, concerns, suprise, shock as they come to understand that their son or daughters future is not going to be "traditional". I do think that's normal to an extent. Both parties have a right to their feelings. Time and conversations will often heal as everyone accepts the new "norm" for them and their beloved child.

I “think” you have “overdone” the “quotation” marks.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 07/06/2025 05:56

DontReplyIWillLie · 07/06/2025 05:11

I “think” you have “overdone” the “quotation” marks.

Show quote history

Not "necessarily" ... it's all "subjective" isn't it?

whynotmereally · 07/06/2025 06:30

Homophobic husband leaves. Ds stays. Problem solved.

NotaCoolMum · 07/06/2025 07:04

Puzzledmum67 · 06/06/2025 20:25

Thanks so much to everyone who’s replied, I’ve been reading all the replies and they really do help. Appreciate it honestly.

Couple things to add - DH and DS have never been that close tbh. DH always struggled with the fact DS isn’t interested in football or “boy” stuff like that, never wanted to go watch matches or talk about sports, always more into music and films and fashion. It’s like they just didn’t click from the start and DH never really made the effort. I think he expected a certain kind of son and just didn’t get it, if I’m honest.

One of the things I think he’s also struggling with is the bf being from a different background - proper English lad, different family setup, very open and affectionate. But like… if DS was straight and dating a white girl would DH still be upset? Probably. So I think it’s partly that but also definitely the gay thing.

Since DS left last night DH has just been stomping about, barely said a word to me or DD, been sitting on his phone and watching old Indian films in the living room like nothing’s happened. He’s clearly in a huff but acting like he’s not bothered, which just makes it worse.

DS has messaged saying he’s safe and his bf’s family are happy to have him for now. He doesn’t want to talk to DH at all atm, which I get. He feels properly hurt. I agree with a lot of you - a bit of space might help but DH has to get over this and see what’s important here. I won’t let this break my family apart but I’m not going to let DS be pushed away either.

Going to try and speak to DH calmly later tonight if he’s willing to listen. If not… well, I’m not letting this slide. DD is also really upset, she’s furious with her dad and said she won’t speak to him either till he sorts himself out.

So not only is DH homophonic, but he’s racist as well.

MsBette · 07/06/2025 07:04

Just another ignorant homophobe. Don’t let him grill the boyfriend. He’s not relevant in this. Your husband is hoping to scare him off.
He’s either a loving father to your son or he’s not.

Men being “traditional “ and freaking out the moment something is not on their “traditional “ list is pathetic. Why can’t he cope with this?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 07/06/2025 07:13

@Waterweight Are you from 100 years ago and come to MN to remind us of the good old days when people thought being gay was a choice and it shouldn't be encouraged? I'm surprised you didn't mention sending him away to get the gay beaten out of him.

MsBette · 07/06/2025 07:25

Waterweight · 07/06/2025 01:57

Errrr. Are we all just forgetting OPs son's been having a secret, potentially sexual relationship with a man in another country & Mumsnet is banding together to support homosexuality ?!?

Not like pointing out that the dad doesn't know this person (or even his own son up till this point)
& The blatant risks involved here being undermined by the whole "sister thinks he's lovely" having only met him on occasions & not knowing him outside of them ?!?

OP pull your head out of the sand & get your family on the same page ... Being gay is a sexual preference not a lifestyle choice & just because somebodys into something doesn't make it safe

They are teenagers, 17 and 19, living in England and Scotland.

What is unsafe about it? Being gay isn’t a preference BTW, you just “are”.

Musclewoman · 07/06/2025 07:32

2024onwardsandup · 06/06/2025 19:45

I would leave my husband if they treated my son like that. But I’d bet money you won’t.

Ooh you're so superior aren't you....😒

lonelyplanetmum · 07/06/2025 07:40

I was just thinking of the gap between 1. how the DS would have wanted his first relationship to be handled and 2. the reality. If only they could press the rest button and start the process again. Maybe that is possible with some professional support from an appropriate organisation for the DH.

Is It ridiculous to ask the DS for a written forward looking blueprint of how he would like parent support to look now?

The DH certainly shouldn’t be focussing on the sex part in a coming out discussion surely? The most you might say to your kids as an anxious parent is are you practising safe sex? Parents of gay boys may worry about safe sex because of HIV but STI risks exist whether they are gay or straight.

With any new dating situation, the normal focus is not on the sex bit, but usually on, ooo exciting you’ve met someone…what are they are like? As parents you don’t normally to interrogate the new partner. The usual way when your child meets some one is to ask your child what are they like? Are they kind? What are they studying, what are their hobbies, have they siblings etc?

As a society we have a long way to go in normalising gay parenting anyway, without throwing a parent with orientation and cultural / religious biases into the mix.

Can the DH be reminded that as parents we want our children ( as they are) male/ female, gay/ straight, Sikh/ atheist, academic/ non academic to live the best life they can. We should not add hurdles for our children. If child feels they have to manage a situation so that the one parent ‘won’t know’ then there is already damage there, and that’s the opposite of support.

Maybe a reset isn’t possible. This DH doesn’t seem like he has the capacity for any reflective parenting, having been unsupportive of DSs interests anyway. Perhaps the best that can be hoped for is getting the DH to apologise and then zip it.

Musclewoman · 07/06/2025 07:43

grizzlyoldbear · 06/06/2025 21:49

Wow, a lot of posters aren’t reading the context. The husband isn’t some raging bigot he’s from India, where homsexuality has only just been legalised like London in the early 70's. He sounds more shocked and blindsided than anything else. Maybe give the man a minute before reaching for the pitchforks?

Edited

So because he's Asian it's ok whereas if he's white it would be fine for him to be stabbed to death with the baying mobs pitchforks? Got it.

Megifer · 07/06/2025 07:45

SquashedMallow · 06/06/2025 22:51

You're playing the victim. I won't be silenced and scared into not calling you out. You can reply with patronising, sarcastic hostility all you like, but I won't sit here and say nothing whilst you label measured viewpoints as "homophobia".

Show quote history

It's funny how you're saying I'm playing the victim and wailing about being silenced when I didn't even accuse you of homophobia.

Isn't that the very definition of playing the victim?

Oopsie.

GAJLY · 07/06/2025 07:53

It must have been a shock for your husband. You and your son should have told him, before bringing home a boyfriend. He needs time to process it all. If he's struggling then your son will have to meet his boyfriend outside the home. When he's old enough to move out, he can do what he likes. When we were younger, none of out boyfriends/girlfriends were allowed over. I doubt your son will live at his boyfriends. His parents won't want another person living there. He'll probably stay a few days then come home. Give your husband some time to get used to the situation.

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/06/2025 07:56

CleanShirt · 06/06/2025 19:46

He's not stubborn. He's a homophobe.

Indeed. Also, he appears to think that if he gets angry, it'll make their son magically straight.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 07/06/2025 08:21

BigFatBully · 06/06/2025 21:37

Wow. Four whole paragraphs defending bigotry. That really is astounding. The husband should have kept his horrible comments to himself. I am so tired of people trying to rationalise un-acceptable behaviour. Would you say the same if the husband had a problem with the son's boyfriend's ethnicity? I don't think so.

We don't get to live our lives through our offspring. Though we may enjoy grandchildren, it's not something that we should take as a given. As long as our sons and daughters are safe, happy and well and not getting up to anything illegal, we have no right to dictate who they choose as their partner. The boy will be 18 years old soon - a genuine adult who would be well within his rights to turn around and tell the "father" to keep his darn nose out of his business. I hope this young man is able to get a house of his own when that day comes so that he doesn't have to live under the same roof as hostility and resentment.

Show quote history

Are you hard of reading?

Where is anything I’ve said defending homophobia?

It would be great if everyone was equally open-minded and accepting of diversity, but unfortunately we don’t live in Disney world and family relationships can be complex and often shitty to navigate. Acknowledging that isn’t ‘defending bigotry’.

My only point is that an already difficult conversation with a difficult man could have been handled more constructively. Just ambushing him with a big reveal is predictably going to cause an even more knee jerk response and inflame the whole situation to everyone’s detriment.

But then, maybe the son doesn’t wish to have an ongoing relationship with his father, and knew that shocking the snot out of him would be a way of provoking an end-it-all crisis. Which would be fair enough.

Megifer · 07/06/2025 08:37

I think people are maybe not appreciating that the reason they kept it from the DH is they obviously knew what the reaction would be.

Believing it may have been more measured if he had time to process the news, the poor lamb, is very naive. Homophobes gonna homophobe.

The only person at any and all fault here is the DH for creating an environment where the op and DS felt they had to hide it as long as possible.

bigvig · 07/06/2025 08:59

I feel for you OP being stuck in the middle. However your child has to cone first. If your DH won't grow up and accept your son for who he is then you'll have to leave him if you want to keep your son. There's no way this could work otherwise. Your son won't ultimately respect a Mum who sneaks around seeing him when she can. He needs to be welcome in her home.

Greenartywitch · 07/06/2025 09:11

I can't believe how many people are bending over backwards to try to justify homophobia and claim that it is natural to be in 'shock' and experiencing 'trauma' if your kids is gay. Or suggesting that 'culture' makes it OK to react as this man did.

No wonder so many gay kids end up being rejected by their family.

There was a fairly recent survey that almost half of LGBT+ young adults in the UK are estranged from at least one family member because of their sexuality.

It really is tragic that this is still happening.

dogmandu · 07/06/2025 09:26

SquashedMallow · 06/06/2025 19:52

Op please be careful posting on here. In Mumsnet world there are a lot of virtue signallers who would all pack their bags and tell their DH to "fuck off".

Its common for a parent to "mourn" the loss of what they thought their child's future looked like. Man with woman , kids, tradition. That doesn't make them a homophobe.

It may take time to "mourn" this loss, humans can and do display "knee jerk" reactions when upset. Your son may even come to understand this. We can't Molly cuddle gay people and expect that all parents are going to be waving the rainbow flag and gushing with pride instantly. That's not fair to give that expectation and then encourage "fuck offs" and "no contacts" when it doesn't go exactly like that.

Sometimes there can be an initial "grieving process" and worries, concerns, suprise, shock as they come to understand that their son or daughters future is not going to be "traditional". I do think that's normal to an extent. Both parties have a right to their feelings. Time and conversations will often heal as everyone accepts the new "norm" for them and their beloved child.

great post!

DoItLikeAWoman · 07/06/2025 10:49

I hope it’s ok to post an fb link here. I saw this heartfelt post earlier and it’s so real. please see if it helps.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Fh8peKZhs/?mibextid=wwXIfr

bluecurtains14 · 07/06/2025 10:51

Puzzledmum67 · 06/06/2025 23:07

So DS actually asked me not to tell DH about his boyfriend – he was the one who suggested introducing him as “a friend”. I wasn’t fully comfortable with it but I said OK because I didn’t want to break his trust. I think maybe DH was already a bit suspicious tbh, just the way it was all introduced and the fact he stayed for dinner. Both kids have friends over now and then but they usually just say hi and go up to the room – they don’t really sit and eat with us. So maybe DH picked up on that.

I spoke to DH properly tonight. Wasn’t easy. He’s still angry but I managed to get him to actually sit and talk instead of just storming off.

One of the first things he said was “having sex with a man is wrong”. Then he looked at DD and asked if she knew if they were. DD said no and told him it’s private and not her business – which I agree with 100%. She handled it better than I expected to be honest.

Then he went on about the age gap, saying DS is still a child and what kind of uni student wants to be with a 17yo.

He also started going on about how he didn’t move to this country for his kids to “end up like this”. I didn’t even know what to say to that. I just told him we moved for better opportunities for our kids, not to shape them into something they’re not.

At the end of it all, he said he wants to speak to the boyfriend. I said I’d need to check with DS first. He said he just wants to “see what kind of boy he is”.

Not sure if that’s a good idea right now or not. Will have to see what DS says. I’ve told DH that if he starts shouting or disrespecting him, DS will walk and he’ll only have himself to blame.

You need to leave this man or you'll lose both your kids.

dogmandu · 07/06/2025 11:45

Flashahah · 06/06/2025 21:30

No, no sense at all! It’s honestly like you think the father’s reaction is acceptable, do you?

Culture is nothing to do with it! I’m from a “culture” equally homophobic, it doesn’t make me act like the disgraceful behaviour of the father. Obviously, because I’m not a bigot.

Show quote history

@Flashahah Culture is nothing to do with it! I’m from a “culture” equally homophobic, it doesn’t make me act like the disgraceful behaviour of the father. Obviously, because I’m not a bigot.
The term bigot is thrown around to invalidate the views of opposing parties, so in this case one could say that Flashahah is also a bigot for not understanding the viewpoint of the father in this case. Below definition of a bigot.

A bigot is a person who is stubbornly intolerant and prejudiced against others, especially those of different races, religions, or beliefs. They often hold strongly to their own beliefs and see anyone who disagrees as wrong.

Key Characteristics of a Bigot:
Intolerance:
Bigots are unwilling to accept or respect the views or beliefs of others.

dogmandu · 07/06/2025 11:46

dogmandu · 07/06/2025 11:45

@Flashahah Culture is nothing to do with it! I’m from a “culture” equally homophobic, it doesn’t make me act like the disgraceful behaviour of the father. Obviously, because I’m not a bigot.
The term bigot is thrown around to invalidate the views of opposing parties, so in this case one could say that Flashahah is also a bigot for not understanding the viewpoint of the father in this case. Below definition of a bigot.

A bigot is a person who is stubbornly intolerant and prejudiced against others, especially those of different races, religions, or beliefs. They often hold strongly to their own beliefs and see anyone who disagrees as wrong.

Key Characteristics of a Bigot:
Intolerance:
Bigots are unwilling to accept or respect the views or beliefs of others.

Show quote history

my post above shouldn't be taken that I agree with the father's views on his son being gay. I don't.

DontReplyIWillLie · 07/06/2025 12:02

saraclara · 06/06/2025 22:36

Not only has he found out by accident by walking in on them (which is entirely different from being told by DS, as you were), he's also presumably found out that you've known for six years, and that both you and your son kept this from him.

You've had six years to know who your son is. He's just found out, when apparently he wasn't meant to. You can't expect him to be mentally in the same place as you.

I think that, in his place, I'd be more shocked and upset at the secrecy. And that might well be why he's reacting so badly to the whole situation. It's really unfair to compare how he's feeling about this, with how you do, having had six years to process it.

Did you ever encourage your son to tell his dad? Or did you just enjoy being the chosen one?

This sounds suspiciously like you’re blaming the son for wanting to decide when and how to share something personal to him. Nobody else had the “right” to be told.

And maybe take one tiny moment to consider why he didn’t want to tell his father.

DontReplyIWillLie · 07/06/2025 12:17

SquashedMallow · 06/06/2025 23:00

Absolutely spot on.

What makes me laugh Is the utter hypocrisy? These virtue signallers will be the first in line to jump on anyone that expresses any concerns about 'their Muslim neighbours views' or 'immigrants not mixing '. They just beat the drum loudly for any fashionable cause. It's called hypocrisy. They're totally blind to it.

I'd take authenticity and real, considered, balanced conversations anyday. You usually find the honest ones have valid opinions and funnily enough are rarely racist or homophobic.

Just these virtue signallers are full of hot air, knee jerk reacters themselves, and shallow in their ability to think of any nuances to any given scenario. They can only see their own narrow viewpoint. Intolerance at its finest.

Show quote history

Oh, it’s the old “It’s intolerant not to tolerate intolerance” line is it? I thought people had given up trying to sell that old nonsense years ago.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 07/06/2025 12:24

I think it’s understandable your DH is surprised, and he’s bound to have a lot of feelings right now, because he wasn’t expecting it. He is making a huge mistake to make such a fuss, because he may be alive a long time but may lose his son due to his own behaviour. He ought to reach out to him.

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