DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

I do appreciate most of the things you say. But when you look at how we tackled the racism in the 1970s, 80s, 90s and even 2000s, it was done by enforcement of anti-abuse laws, by victims themselves being strong and saying "NO".

There will always be people with bigoted views. Anyone who is subject to prejudice shouldn't waste time seeking acceptance or understanding. In life as a whole, not everyone will like you and you can't make everyone like you but you can defend your right to live a life free of abuse and discrimination.

I think homophobia, lesbianphobia, biphobia and transphobia is as easy to spot and call out as racism. My father used to work with a young woman who was a lesbian and had a female partner. I am told that a group of people set about them when they were holding hands in the street and unfortunately, they were physically assaulted. I just don't think that a pride parade will stop that sort of thing. I think that there is a lot to be learnt from the way we overcame racism and how people are now fearful of giving out racist abuse.

Alliances amongst lesbian, homosexual, bisexual and trans communities are important. I think it's great that those communities get together and celebrate being who they are, enjoy themselves and music etc. But I don't think that is going to be an effective defence against abuse.

In the case of the OP's husband, it certainly hasn't stopped him from giving out his vitriol.

You are right. I have never faced discrimination because of my sexuality, and I don't think anyone should. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't speak on the matter. In a democratic society, we should all be free to voice opinions on the issues affecting the human race as a whole.

I'm not sure why using the correct scientific term would be disliked. It's a neutral description that says exactly what is what.

Because it was used to essentially diagnose gay people as mentally ill.

Talk to him about what?
Do heterosexual people have to have that talk.
It's extremely old fashioned to shun gay people today and it's not fair on them either.
Life is hard enough, without people putting pressure on you about your sexuality.
Hope the father settles down otherwise if he continues to make a scene he will be the closer and he will alienate his son.
Is it worth it?

But you have to accept you're looking at it from an outside view and therefore limited understanding.

The fact that gay is not a slur and homosexual is less preferred description demonstrates you don't know much on the subject. So maybe consider whether it's always best to share your uninformed opinion.

This. I’d be telling him you accept and love our son as he is or you’re on your own.

It is simplistic.
OP has a simple choice: support her son, or support her husband, who is homophobic.
What would you do?
I would support my son (though it would never be a choice for me. My husband isn’t a homophobe).

Do people still “reel” about their kids being gay in 2025? Really?! I’m amazed.

You admire that they feel that they have to hide their love for each other? That’s really sad.
Of course her parents know.

Absolutely, this! “Grieving process”? Seriously?

Anyone who feels that way ought to be ashamed. They’re not dead. They just love someone who happens to be the same sex.

I can honestly say it wouldn’t trouble me at all. I still have no idea of our youngest’s sexuality. Neither does he. I don’t care a jot either way. He’s wonderful and I’ll love whomsoever he lives and loves him. As will his dad (and grandparents).

You don’t think there are gay people in India 🤣

Look up dancing boys or Laundas. It’s as old as time.

Sorry, have posted way too much here, folks. This thread has just incensed me, though.

We love who we love.

Your son is still the boy /man he has always been, your DH needs to get over this news.

Is your son a drug addict? Is he in prison? Has he assaulted anyone? No, he has just fallen in love with someone.

Does your DH know his Indian history? Homosexuality was made illegal when the British imposed their values on India (and the other countries that formed India at the time) as section 377 of the Indian penal code.

Unfortunately that imposition has ramifications today in former colonies, and in your family. I'm fairly sure it does in other families.

If you have an argument for your rights as a certain demographic and you take it to the High Court, the person presiding over your case may not be from the same demographic as you, but that doesn't mean that they can't give a fair and measured verdict on the matter. For example, Prime Minister John Major passed the Disability Discrimination Act to help people with a disability, despite not falling in to that category himself. We all have to live together on this planet. To shut down someone else's voice on a matter is rather short sighted.

Your DH sounds like a gorilla, but I also can't imagine having a DS who has told me he is gay and between the ages of 11 and 17 not saying "He is gay" to DH. But then DH should have also been aware of that possibility himself and seems to have been in denial.

I also tend to think that blokes who are homophobic "protest too much" and they also at some level find other men attractive and are uncomfortable with admitting that to themselves.

My response to DH would be one of incredulity and I would suggest that he finds a way to accept the situation or get out, as his behaviour towards his son is unacceptable.

But this isn't the high court. It's a forum based on people's opinions.. and yours is clearly ill informed - surely you see that?

It’s not unusual for someone to react with surprise or shock, but your DH really needs to think about why his reaction was so intense. It may stem from underlying/overt homophobia only you know which it is as you know him and we don't.

The fact that he didn’t know your DS is gay suggests there’s a disconnect in their relationship. As the parent, it’s your DH’s responsibility to build that bond. Even if they don’t share the same interests, he should have made the effort to find common ground. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he hasn’t really tried.
How you both handle this now will shape your family dynamic going forward. It could be a chance to grow closer and rebuild trust, or it could leave lasting damage. Your DS will always remember how this went down.

It'd be more constructive if you took your offence and considered another perspective. Because that's what living in a civilised western society entails. It doesn't mean you take the most popular viewpoint and weaponise it against anyone who may have different feelings.

Whether you choose to take your rainbow blinkers off or not : some people, more so men (fathers), more so from more conservative cultures, may have mixed feelings towards learning their child is gay. It literally goes against all the teachings that they've been taught from their religion or upbringing. It wouldn't hurt to at least acknowledge that and see why their viewpoint may be different.

That doesn't mean automatically that they're homophobic and will write off their child and go no contact and preach hatred at them and any future partners. It literally means they may need to talk through and explore their feelings, put to bed the initial shock, and come to the conclusion that their son is still their beloved son , despite this new information and the different way their future looks to the one they originally imagined.

Your outrage may be fashionable, but it's knee jerk and actually rather thoughtless and shallow.

This is where you're going to have to choose between your child and husband.

Freedom Of Speech - it's granted to me and others under Article 10 of the Human Rights Act. How dare you think you can shut down other people's opinions?

The voice of sense .

We as parents have no entitlement to grand children though, it's the choice of our offspring when they reach the legal age for childbearing/fatherhood if a man. I doubt that the OP's husband was eager to meet grandchildren though, given that he obviously has such distanced relationships with both his son and daughter.

You can be gay and be a parent, and you can be straight and be childless, either by choice or due to infertility.

But isn’t that exactly what YOU’RE doing? Freedom of speech works both ways - and @SapphOhNo has used hers to make it clear she thinks you are ill-informed.