DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

Forgot to add, your son’s sexuality is his own decision, nobody else’s.

@PyongyangKipperbang And you blindy accept these statistics do you? Knowing that many, many people are so sadly still afraid to acknowledge and/or accept their true sexuality because of homophobes. 20% is not an insignificant stat in the first place, but the chances are that in reality it's greater.

I know of at least two women in my friendship group who have confided in me that they are gay, but are too scared to do anything about it. One of these knows she will categorically lose her devoutly Christian parents if she came out. I hope one day she finds the strength to be herself and bin her parents!
Another is in her 70s and has known all her life but was always told being gay was categorically wrong. She lives with crippling depression and is desperately lonely.

Proof that they don't discriminate?

My point was, statistics when pertaining to things that are stigmatised, are not accurate (I know you were agreeing in some sense)!

To all those recommending the nuclear option - don’t you believe people can change or develop? Can’t you extend a little compassion to a man who has perhaps been brought up to believe that his no doubt dearly beloved son’s conduct is a sin and will doom him to misery and hell? You don’t need to share these beliefs, but can’t you comprehend that it may take the holder more than two minutes to think about it and move to a different understanding from the beliefs that have been inculcated in him from birth?

If we can’t speak to and try to reach common ground with those who hold different views - particularly those who love us - then we’re both immature and doomed.

Your husband sounds horribly racist as well as a homophobe. Imagine the replies if the post had been describing a white man who would be adamantly against his child dating an Asian girl.

@EvelynBeatrice · Today 12:47
''If we can’t speak to and try to reach common ground''

His son is gay.

That's just a fact.

There is no 'common ground' to reach...

His son is not going to be half-gay or hide his sexuality or live a lie marry a woman knowing to try placate his father and reach 'common ground'.

His son is gay and has a boyfriend.

They don't have anything to apologise for or to compromise on to make some blinkered homophobe happy.

It is not up to them either to teach a grown adult that there is nothing wrong with being gay.

The people on here claiming everyone would be shocked and react badly to find their son cuddling another man or saying anyone calling this man a bigot are “virtue signalling” are telling on themselves.

No, non-homophobes wouldn’t feel like that. If you feel that way, you are homophobic even if you don’t want to believe it. “Anyone would feel that way, it’s the normal reaction” is what bigots tell themselves to avoid accepting they’re bigoted.

If I found my son cuddling another man when I didn’t know he was gay, I’d maybe be mildly surprised. I wouldn’t be angry, upset or stay in a strop with everyone around me for days. How people react when faced with something tells you everything about their beliefs. Even if we say that being shocked is a fair reaction, why would that shock manifest as anger and being vile to his son unless he was also homophobic? If I found out my son’s favourite colour was blue when I thought it was yellow, would I be shocked and start shouting or getting angry? No, because I don’t see that as important. Likewise if I found out he was gay when I didn’t know.

I know, this thread is an utterly grim read.

But I can't help thinking it's some kind of reverse racism, with people wanting to be culturally aware and therefore be "understanding of homophobia".

We should stand true to the values that matter to us, not indulge some people who don't respect them.

Would you excuse the husband being abusive to his wife too, on those grounds. Or is it only homophobia that you are relaxed about depending on the context?

Much as I agree with the principal, sexuality isn't a choice. If it were, I'm sure many people who suffer the consequences that come with being gay would choose to change.

(I'd still choose to be a lesbian, to be fair, but I'm quite biased because the thought of having sex with a male terrifies and disgusts me which in itself is because I am a lesbian. 😆

I find it common that bigots conveniently defend “other cultures’” values when they align with their own prejudices.

Another culture refusing to shake hands with a woman, forcing their wives to be a SAHM when she wants to work? Unacceptable, appalling, signs that their entire cultures are deeply flawed and backwards.

An Indian man shocked and explosively angry that his son is gay? Well we have to be considerate of his cultural values, don’t we.

The parent in me says choose your child always BUT we have to consider cultural matters.

Would people be saying the DH is not bigoted if he was an Evangelical Christian / a white british one?

how is that any different?

I believe you're referencing islam. Refusing to shake hands is done as a mark of respect, modesty and chastity. Unrelated men and woman are forbidden from touching to protect against premarital sex.

Muslim women have every right to work and can actually keep all their money. A Muslim man is the one responsible for paying bills etc.

Your feelings about someone's choices don't trump their rights to live their life as they so choose. If you don't like homosexuals, that's your personal opinion. Nobody wants to be the thought police. To then "kick off" at someone for being that way inclined, is not ok. Free speech doesn't mean the right to make someone feel distressed by homophobic targeted harassment. If you go in to your son's room, without knocking and start kicking off and shouting and making him feel panicked because of his sexuality, that's where his human rights to live without fear of abuse for being who he is trump your right to free speech. You can say what you want and think what you want but when you launch a targeted verbal attack on someone for living their life freely, then it becomes a problem.

It sounds like the son had his father's cards marked a long time ago, hence telling the mother and sister to keep schtum about it. I'm not going to call the father swear words but he is a douche bag and all of the men out there desperate to have a son of their own would despair at someone being angry and shunning their healthy, happy son because of who he loves.

As I said, we don't get to live our lives through our children. That's not fair or right. You may want your daughter to become a lawyer but she may decide to become an architect instead and there's nothing you can do about it because it's her life and her life choices.

There is a bit of a grey area here because the boy is currently 17. There are things that he still can't legally do and most employers wouldn't take on an under 18 year old but OP says he will soon be 18 and I wouldn't blame him for making a life for himself somewhere away from this prattish behaviour (trying not to swear here).

@Vera87
The parent in me says choose your child always BUT we have to consider cultural matters.

Homophobia is not acceptable. Religion or culture do not change that.

If it was about race, then the responses wouldn't be so defensive of the husband. People still think that we get to choose our sexuality and still think it's alright to be judgemental about what others do with their lives, which is frankly none of their business. If any of my family came to me and said they were homosexual or lesbian, I'd say "good for you". I would never for one second think I had the right to dictate who they marry (unless they were a domestic abuser or something that put their safety in jeopardy). People need to stop thinking that they're entitled to dictate other people's lives.

Part of me hopes the husband tries to speak to the son's partner and son's partner tells him where to stick his opinion and to stay the hell out of his life. 19 year olds these days don't have patience to deal with bigotry like they did in the past. And I don't blame them. I wouldn't give the husband in this thread the time of day, he's not worth any focus.

I've grown up with my gay (male) cousin my whole life, known what gay was from as early as I can remember anything. Been around his gay friends, heard them talk about men they like and joke about the female body (not for the faint hearted). Being gay does not phase me.

If I walked into a bedroom of a boy I knew, and had no inkling they were gay, and saw him cuddling up to his boyfriend, yes I'd be shocked, mildly shocked. You call it mildly surprised, same thing.

Synonyms for SHOCKED in English: taken aback, surprised, thrown.

It's completely natural. I'd probably also be mildly shocked if I walked in and he cuddling a girl, as walking in on someone being somewhat intimate with another person is not what people would generally expect to see.

That's why I would cut him some slack, that initial shock, but not his reaction after that. Once he has calmed down though and taken in what he had seen, and that his son is gay, in time he should accept it as any good parent would.

If DH was a Muslim would he not be allowed to have his disapproving belief?

The way you describe shock - "taken aback, thrown" is not how the husband reacted. The husband launched in to a tirade of verbal abuse. The correct response would have been to leave the room and take some time to process the information, if feeling shocked. But it sounds like he doesn't take much interest in his son anyway. Most parents take an interest in their sons' and daughters' lives, wanting to know if they are making friends, happy in their studies at college or A-levels or whatever the OP is studying. The parent should handle stressful situations with calmness. It sounds like the son had fears of his father's reaction and had good reason to. Religion doesn't give you a hall pass to be homophobically abusive.

People can hold whatever beliefs they want but they shouldn't force them on to others.

Read what I said at the bottom. His reaction after the initial shock was not right. Shock can make you say/do things that are not on. That's not to absolve him of any criticism. What he said was homophobic. Once he has calmed down though, and digested what he saw, and spoken to OP, he should come to accept him, and apologise for his reaction.

I definitely agree with your last sentence. I don't think the OP should hold her breath for the thought of an apology coming from husband though, he sounds very stubborn.

He can have what beliefs he wants.
The OP can choose whether to stay with a raging homophobe.

I am in full agreement with your post.

I would've worded it differently due to the fact that we actually don't get to choose our sexuality however.

I can't wake up tomorrow morning choose to be straight any more than a heterosexual male can choose he's had enough of women and is now gay.