Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

16 years of an awful husband. If your daughter/children will be safe and at an age where they can fend for themselves and understand if I were you I'd leave. He's not going to change.

Get all your evidence of his controlling behaviour together so that when he turns table on you, you'll be able to get your solicitor to help you.

Men like this never ever change, please believe me…..start planning your life without him…good luck x

What did I just read?!

Sadly this is actually the second thread I’ve seen this week where a man had wished cancer on his wife. Vile.

So sorry, OP. He sounds like a dangerous and hateful man.

You're only 40! You've got years ahead of you! Get away from this horrible controlling man and start living them!

ETA - I think you should contact Women's Aid. You are in an abusive relationship, and if he won't let you read, I'm sure he won't let you work, so I doubt you have a job/up-to-date work experience, which makes it harder to leave. You're going to just have to bite the bullet and go. Talk to Women's Aid, and get your free half hour consultation from a couple of divorce solicitors too. You can do this!

What's your housing situation, rented/owned, joint names?

Jeez your poor son and daughter growing up in a house like this. Please do something for them if not for yourself

Wow this is awful, I'm so sorry you have been living like this op. Please, please take some of the great advice already given and prepare to leave.

It is a pdf she can read on her phone same as reading mumsnet

She even said….im not allowed any books so use my phone instead…

He sounds awful. Seriously, don't waste your breath asking him what his problem is.. He'll say it's you who has the problem.
He can't and will not change and I would not subject your DD and yourself a minute more of this horrible man's treatment
Freedom and happiness awaits you both.

He is already destroying the kids' lives.

Do you really think it's OK for your teenage daughter to be living in an environment where women are treated the way your husband treats you? Would you ever in a million years want her to think this is normal?

Your husband isn't just a bit difficult, ffs. He's severely abusive. The level of control he currently has over you is absolutely fucking insane and frankly he wants locking up.

Sweetheart, you need to send him to Afghanistan. He'd fit right in to the male attitude that women are only there to service them.

He's appalling.

It will be very hard to leave, but on the other side life will be much, much, much, brighter.

i honestly think I need to speak to him and explain that I need to leave but I know he’ll turn it around on to me and that I’m destroying the kids lives….

Get everything planned. DONT expect his understanding or approval - why would he? When has he ever been nice before, consistently?

If you ignore his words and look at his actions, he is consumed with hate.

Op go and get some books from second hand shop bring them home place them in lounge and start reading, what will he do, don't explain yourself to him, and don't allow him to track your fone, leave it in the house when you go out, you need to stop this power he has over you, only you can stop it,
Some great advice given on here op, your children need to see you standing up to him for them and you, please find your strength, who the bloody hell does he think he is, stop his power op,

So when he "goes mad" what level is that?
Mad like dramatic and sulking or mad like trashing the room and hitting you?
If in first group you can just do your stuff and let him be mad.
Also, remove any location tracking. You are not a child in unknown city.

For security, make sure you log in to MN with fake email and then remove if trom the list of emails on your phone once you decide to put phone down bcs controling partner would go through that kind of things and if you are in danger this can escalate quickly.
I wish you all the best ❤️🍀

I’m so so sorry to read this @Confusednut

Are you physically scared of him? Would he actually restrain you or barr you from doing anything/ lock you up or hit you if you defy him?
I ask, not because what he’s doing isn’t hideous, I just think we may modify advice if you were in physical danger.
also are you scared of him? Even if he doesn’t hit you, do you feel fear if you defy him? How did he react to your daughter when she defied him?

Hope you’re ok @Confusednut - you will get good uplifting advice on here from strong women and it will help you be strong too and cope with this x

Clearly controlling behaviour. Depending on where you live there are charities which support women and men to leave abusive partners. I used to volunteer for one.
Good luck. Hope you find enjoyment and peace with your new life

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

I have the online course plus one for my children. it's worth looking at although I do find myself going back to it.

Op do not tell him you want to leave. I don't want to scare you but that's the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship. Make plans, find any paperwork you can and take notes. If he monitors phone calls can you go to the shop without him and call women's aid? You can delete a call from your call logs so he doesn't know it's been made.
I have been the daughter in this situation and I know how scared you are but I just want to reassure you that life can get so much better and it will once you're safe. It won't be easy and won't fix overnight but getting out safely is the first step ❤️

honestly think I need to speak to him and explain that I need to leave

Please do not tell him
He will escalate his aggressive behaviour

You need to get away safely
Then tell him

He will

Be angry
Cry poor me I love you so i didn't mean anything I was just looking out for you
Be angry
Be persuasive come back I love you
Tell you no else will have you

Is all bulksh£t manipulative

Personally, I'd get the police involved. Why on earth have you put up being treated like this?

What culture are you from?

Well done for reaching out - the realisation things are wrong and you need help is a brilliant first step.

I expect you're around the peri menopause stage - this can so often be the time when we stop putting up with shit things and develop an opinion.

Be very very careful - the moment of leaving or saying you're leaving can be the most dangerous.

Many men see women and children as things, property, can interpret leaving as them being deprived of things that are rightfully theirs - and can have extreme reactions.

The fact he says reading is rude because it doesn't involve anyone else is very telling - he believes you are a domestic appliance whose sole function is to centre him. He is wrong. It's not rude - it's essential and normal.

Please read up on coercive control - this Women's Aid site has a quick exit to a bland Wikipedia site, in case he sees you:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

A free half hour consult with a solicitor will give you a clear picture of your rights.

Even though you don't have a job, income, savings, pension etc the fact you are married means it's likely you are the equal owner of everything including the house if you have a mortgage, any savings and his pension.

Do not believe a word your husband will say on that subject.

And if he threatens to take the children (they do this not out of fatherly love but to control and frighten), remember you are the stay at home mum who gave up her chance of a career to be the home maker.

All the best. This site is full of women who've been there and made it out.

What's your family's cultural background? It's very unusual for women to be prevented from reading nowadays but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I did know a PhD student who was dumped by her husband because she was given a full doctoral scholarship and he wasn't. He gave her an ultimatum; the doctoral scholarship or him and luckily she chose the PhD.

He's very abusive OP, I'm so sorry he has isolated you so and that you're going through this. You're only 40, you have probably more than half your life left and you can and should leave him.

I think you need to somehow ring women's aid or get to a police station without him knowing. For now, I'd cooperate with his control (in terms of what you show to him) so that it doesn't ring any alarm bells for him and you can proceed with an exit plan.

Whatever he says about the DC and ruining their lives etc, remember you're doing this for them. It's terrible for them to see their mum being so controlled and abused.

Being a single woman is FANTASTIC. You will be much happier.

If he has location settings on your phone you can turn them off. Or go out without your phone.

Does he never go out?
Do you have any funds? You might be able to buy a SIM only cheap mobile and use that without him knowing (be sure to keep it on silent and well hidden so he doesn't find it).