Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

Not necessarily. OP says she reads on her phone, she must get odd moments when the vile man is in the bath/loo or whatever, it'll be slow progress to get through a book, but not impossible.

In all honesty though this is the number one book I recommend to victim survivors of DV it is absolutely fantastic.

You're in the marriage as being together should enhance your life, not to be his possession. You've every right to enjoy the things you want to enjoy.

Sounds like my mum

And what if you took up a hobby that does involve other people? Like badminton or amateur dramatics, would he stop you doing those. You've realised this is no way to live. I also suggest you leave your phone at home and walk to the nearest Boots, police station, library and ask to call for help.

Oh God I thought he didn't want you to read as he wanted sex every night, it sounds much worse even than this. Of course it's daunting to leave and set up a new life but he isn't someone you want to be shackled too for the rest of yours. Honestly, at 40 you are still young!

We can be your support network. He will
have subtly prevented all opportunities of you creating one so that he can remain in control.

Im so sorry that you’ve been treated like this. His behaviour is coersive control a form of domestic abuse, I’m so glad you are starting to plan your exit strategy, sending you mega hugs.

I've been in a very similar position, but with violence too.

Please don't read the book, in case he checks what you're trying to read. Please don't turn off the tracking thing or tell him that you've had enough and want to leave, or that you want him to change. All these things may trigger him into violence. A woman is never more at risk that when she's leaving her abuser.... I was taken away in an ambulance. In front of my children. That then leaves him clear to manipulate your children and change the narrative.

If you can, please get hold of a cheap payg phone and then phone the police and women's aid. If you can't get a phone, then please message me and I'll help you.

You can do this.... you've come this far, it's just a few more steps to get yourself free from him. It will be hard, but you and your children deserve this. When you're in this kind of relationship you have to get to the point where you want to leave yourself, people can advise until they're blue in the face but only you can make the final step.

I was just reading your post above this and then saw this.
You do need to start getting your affairs in order, look at your options for leaving, speak to a solicitor - they often do half hours for free but even paying for their time is worth every penny (that's what I did). speak to Woman's Aid etc, citizens advice and when you know what options you have, let him know the path you are taking. You can't ever divorce a narcissist without a fight so be prepared.
He sounds like a nasty piece of work and needs to know that you are standing up to this and not taking anymore.
I've got 3 children, my ex has tried to use two of them against me, weaponise them, he's broken them in order to get to me and is now trying again. My eldest stood up to him so he hates her too. It's hard but you can get your life back as he will only get worse x

❤️

He isn't making you happy or letting you be happy, so make plans and leave. You sound strong so no matter what the situation in terms of housing, finances etc... you will make it work for you. And no matter when you leave you'll look back and think 'why didn't I do this sooner?'

If it's gone on this long he'll only react negatively to you trying to get him to change or doing anything for yourself anyway, which ultimately, will stop you enjoying those things one way or another.

Life is too short to waste on being unhappy. Read the book, go the gym, do what you want, and do it single, divorced, with someone else or whatever it takes 💛

It will be OK. You can absolutely start over. Speak to a domestic abuse charity. Thru can help you figure out which path to take. You might be able.to get him to leave the house as the kids would stay with you? X

Okay, OP. Your H is horribly abusive. Nothing about what you describe is normal or acceptable. A good relationship lifts you up and helps you expand and flourish. He’s crushed you into nothing. You’ve been vulnerable because you are isolated without family support. We can be your support. Your children need to see something different because they’re at risk of emulating the same arrangement.

So - you say he tracks you. Places like Boots and Superdrug have consultation rooms which they offer as safe spaces to call agencies like Women’s Aid. So a good start might be to fabricate some illness that might require a consultation. The Women’s Aid website is very useful and has a tab you can click to delete it from your browsing history. Worth a look.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

What are you allowed to do without him? Are you allowed to go to Tesco for example or somewhere equally boring/ normal? Do you drop your kids to school or do they go alone? You need support from a DV charity to make an exit plan. Is there a time or place you could call them without him being present. Also, how tech save is he? If he's tech save he could put tracking device on your phone to track key strokes or calls.

Wow this sounds like Gilead!
you need to walk away and regain your life!

What about the Doctors? Can you book an appointment ? Go to the surgery? A supermarket ? Have you heard of Women’s Aid?

You're not allowed to read?? Or spend time with your daughter?? This is beyond controlling. How have you lasted this long?

I'm not going to advocate for you to remain in an emotionally abusive relationship. Please leave. You need to set an example for your daughter.

It will be hard for a short while but once you are free, You're going to ask yourself why you didn't leave sooner? You'll be mad at the time you wasted. At the life you should have been able to enjoy. Love yourself enough to choose yourself. 16 years?! He's not going to change now.

Let me guess he wants all your attention on him and does fuck all in the house. Has he ever heard of alone time/self care?

The only one destroying the kids lives is him with his horribly abusive behaviour. Please don't allow your children to think it’s okay to either treat people the way he does you, or to accept that kind of behaviour from a partner. The absolute BEST thing you can do for them is to leave and show them it’s completely unacceptable.

Just to add, I had no support network either - no family and only a few friends that were going through their own issues.

If he tries to be nice it’s because he’s following the cycle of abuse, where a honeymoon phase follows abuse or a person’s attempt to leave, as the abuser needs to do something to try and manipulate the victim in to staying. Of course it never lasts though and tensions just build before there’s another incident of abuse.
If he tries to tell you the kids would be better if you stayed together remember that being exposed to domestic abuse is much much worse for children than having separated parents. The long term impact can include difficulties with mental health, substance misuse and forming their own domestically abusive relationships, whether as an abuser or a victim. With that in mind the sooner you can get the children out the better.
In terms of practical steps for leaving, does he ever leave the house? Ideally you’d pack a bag of stuff for a few days (including your paperwork, passports etc) and go out to the police. In an ideal world they’ll think they have enough evidence to at least arrest and bail him, so he has to be out of the home. If you’re not ready for that an alternative option is to go straight to your local housing office to request emergency accommodation for you and the children. They should also refer you to children’s services as well and they can help with housing arrangements and making sure the children have all they need, whether that be their possessions or emotional support with the impact of exposure to domestic abuse. If he doesn’t ever go out the best advice is most definitely to book a doctor’s appointment that requires in person attendance (don’t worry about lying to the doctor’s receptionist about why you’re booking it) and to ask them when you’re there to contact the police.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is one of the most acute examples I've read on here of domestic abuse: your husband is an absolute monster. You need to get out of this marriage. As I think you know.

It's frightening, but there is a better life for you on the other side of this. You also need to do this for your children, so you will have to find your courage.

As a first step, please seek help from someone external. Women's Aid should probably be your first port of call. Wishing you all the very best.

Do this

Years?! This is terrible advice.