Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

This. Or indeed tell the GP that you are being abused and controlled and tracked, they would be able to help you access help.

'what can I do to stop this if anything?'

There's nothing. Absolutely nothing. All you can do is leave, and you must.

This is abuse OP. Please, please call women’s aid.
You don’t deserve to live this way you are trapped in a cage. Life is too short for this.

I had a husband like this and left him after ten years.
I encourage you to do the same.

Also, please can you quote people when you're replying? Thank you. Just click on the word Quote which is under every post.

OP, Tesco do a cheap phone and they give free credit after each monthly top up-credit £10 and they will match this with £20 free credit. Pay for it in cash and keep it switched off. The one step above all others that helped me escape with my children was to contact the financial team at my bank, after noticing on their website "Is someone controlling your finances? We can help". One telephone call later on my mobile, and I had arranged a £1200 overdraft to pay for a month's rent and a month's deposit plus money left over.
I started a new universal credit claim the day I moved in, and also requested an advance payment for another month's rent. UC will pay your rent (they need an uploaded copy of a tenancy agreement), you will receive money for you and also for both children. UC were incredibly supportive and understanding-don't worry about finding a job yet, you need time to escape, then heal.
I had no one in the world to confide in, but help came from unexpected places. Local charity shops reserved furniture until I could pay for it, they also provided a removal van free of charge. I was able to do this because my husband was arrested which gave me time to grab stuff. Once we had got out I asked for support from a women's group and had weekly phone calls.
Whilst I was house hunting in secret, I kept going by creating a safe space in my mind, I imagined everything, down to the curtains, tiles, birdsong outside, the noise of children playing in the street. When I moved in, the first change i noticed was that I could breathe again.

Your posts are really upsetting to read OP. It’s horrible to think of you having to live this way. The reading thing is triggering me a bit as my mum always talks about reading being ‘selfish’, it’s bizarre.
Phoning women’s aid for a chat would be a brilliant first step. Just to get some real life support at first, and talk you through possible options. We are all right behind you.

You're going to need help leaving safely based on everything you've posted.

Please call Women's Aid or another domestic abuse hotline and say everything you've said here. Say you want to leave but don't know how to and safely.

Sorry all I have a very small window to reply so instead of replying individually im going to update on here.

no he doesn’t work, which has made my life much harder, we are both ex military, I joined up at 16 but left at 22 after having my son and through pressure from him.

I have spoken to him, not about leaving but about being unhappy and he’s made the normal noises of he’ll change etc etc but this buys me time, whilst he’s being nice to smooth things over I’m going to reach out to all the people that have been suggested….its going to be difficult and it’s going to be a long road ahead but I know I need to do it, not just for me but for my children.

i will keep everyone updated as and when I can and I just want to thank you all so much

I’m so glad I reached out today without this help I wouldn’t have even thought about leaving or how to do it

It sounds as though your children are older and there’s no need for you both to be at home full time now.

So perhaps you could start looking for a small PT job.
This will allow you more freedom and an excuse to leave the house, which will make it easier to make plans to leave.

If you think he won’t let you get a job then don’t mention it, you don’t want him getting suspicious.
Instead could you book a smear test, then once there ring womens aid etc and tell the nurse what’s going on. You could even ask them to make you a follow up appointment to use the time to ring who you need to.

Be careful OP.
Don’t make him think that you are unhappy or want to leave.
He won’t change and him knowing you might leave him won’t end well.

SSAFA may also be able to help. They have an online chat as well as call centre https://www.ssafa.org.uk/get-help/forcesline/

Oh my goodness! Please take the kids and go straight to women's aid. Be safe xx

Start a weekly reading group at your house.

Join a library and look up where you can get help for domestic abuse.

Walk away as he will never change and it’s the only way you will get your life back. Trust me I was where you are and you are worth so much more x

Ideas to help would just be ways to make yourself smaller.

That's no way to live.

And you'll never make yourself small enough for an abuser. They always find new things to harass you on. Because they want to.

Get out before your little girl sees relationships like this as normal.

Never dull your shine for some asshole. Never teach your child to do it either.

16 years of being told what you can and can not do??? Run and don’t look back! He won’t change, why should he??? You’ve shown him you’re accepting of his controlling behaviour for 16yrs! Wow! So you either accept that’s your life as you have done for this long (why??) or get rid of him! I know which I’d do..I’d not have put up with that for 16minutes let alone years!! He can piss right back off on the horse he rode in on 😒

Whatever you do, don't tell him you are thinking of leaving. You have to escape without his knowledge. Tell him you are due a smear test or something like that and when you get to the doctor's either tell them or phone one if the numbers on here. When you tell them the level of control and abuse you are experiencing you won't ever have to suffer it again.
If your youngest is 14 you've got time to get away and settled before GCSEs.

Now is the time. This is terrible, terrible abuse .

The fact that you are ready to walk away from your husband shows that there is nothing to salvage in your relationship. You will probably always love your husband, but I think you are no longer feeling a romantic love towards him. Your husband sounds rather controlling and selfish, I am sorry to badmouth a man whom I've never met but the things you describe have no place in a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship. 16 years of a turbulent relationship can have a detrimental impact on both yours and his mental health. I'd recommend ending the relationship with a view to relocating (it's common courtesy for the person who ends the relationship to move to another home). Get yourself a good solicitor, consider practicalities, such as making plans to get a new home, new car/mode of transportation. I don't know if you have children but given the name and nature of this forum, it's possible. At some point you would need to sit down cordially with your husband and work out who is going to manage child care if that is the case.

Best Wishes
BFB

anyone that stopped me from anything 5novels a week and random others yes my life
go away
my husband loved to read too met him in a library

I mean realistically, hopefully he just dies very soon. Reminds me of The Prick in Bad Sisters.

Many must have given you enough of contacts, your GP would be your first and easy option as he can not track this or control by tracking or control .

being ex. military , GP can put you on job support too, who can find the roles that you got advantage being ex-military.

Me ex didn't like me to read while he was around. I think he felt ignored and that I should be spending my time fussing around him or something. Fancy being jealous about a book being more entertaining 😂

My ex got funny about it too sometimes. He said that it showed that I thought a book was more interesting than him.

For a bloke who had the emotional understanding of a dead frog, for once he was bang on the money!

This wont change now it's gone on too long.
Wont let you read a book ..what the hell or spend time with your daughter this is shitty behaviour.
I'd seriously think about leaving .

What you can do is stop letting your child think your relationship is ok.
What does he do if you help your child revise or go you start to read?