Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

What has her cultural background got to do with anything? It's wrong no matter what culture.

My dad refused to allow my mum to read, he cut up all her books in fact. We are white British, in case you find that information useful.

Just jumped back on to say if she needs immediate help she can go to any boots pharmacy and " Ask for Ani" they have links to agencies who will help with an exit plan
Repeat keep calm and quietly plan your way out, do not tell him anything.
This is your most vulnerable time

i ve just read this post outloud to my 17yr old son who's off college today and he said 'gosh,is it real or is it all made up' cos wtf have i just read????

How can he stop you from reading? That would mean not allowing you to have a phone or any computer of any type?
If he saw you reading a newspaper what would he do, snatch it away?
He won't let you spend time with your daughter? Disgraceful.

Honestly I've been in abusive relationships before where things were so fucking dark and your situation sounds almost worse.

I don't think you can reason with someone like that. Would he leave if you told him to? Or do you have somewhere to go temporarily while you try and split?

He sounds incredibly controlling and he won’t change.

You went upstairs with him as ‘he decided it was time to go to bed’ and you wanted to read as you weren’t tired; would he have allowed you to stay downstairs watching the programme you’d chosen?

“Op do not tell him you want to leave. I don't want to scare you but that's the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship. Make plans, find any paperwork you can and take notes. If he monitors phone calls can you go to the shop without him and call women's aid? You can delete a call from your call logs so he doesn't know it's been made.”

This.

Do NOT tell him your plans. It will place you in greater danger. You need to behave as normally as possible to him for now while formulating your get away plan.

You will be able to claim universal benefits and should also look into quietly upskilling so you can get a job when you’re free of him. Remember your children are learning that it’s normal for men to abuse women and husbands to abuse their wives. The periodic niceness means nothing - all relationships feel good when they’re going well. The better test of a long-term relationship is - how does it feel when things are a bit bumpy? When DH and I are irritated with each other, things are a bit meh. No-one is crushing each other or isolating each other or bullying each other as your husband is to you.

Your children are at risk of repeating what you have. This is your chance to break the cycle and create a better future for yourself and them.

Can you buy a cheap phone and sim and keep it secret? Maybe pick something up at Tesco when you’re grocery shopping without him? Or does he insist on coming with you?

Does he leave the house to go to work? You could leave your tracked phone t home so he thinks you’re there, while you dash out and get a cheap one with sim, and then call Women’s Aid on it, or a local agency or the non-emergency police.

Whoever you decide to contact, you do need RL support. The support, advice and just plain handholding you get here is invaluable, but RL support is too.

please do yourself, your kids the favour of getting yourselves out of there. You can do it; you’ve been strong enough to live with his control so you’re strong enough to get away from it and definitely strong enough to live without it.

good luck. Keep posting.

I don’t think you should speak to him. He sounds dangerous and I worry he will do everything in his power to stop you. You need to speak to women’s aid. Can you do that while he’s at work?

If my husband dared to tell me I couldn’t read he would have a boot up the backside and out the door. What are you doing in putting up with this behaviour? Leave him

OP, do you live in Gilead, by chance?

I fear for your safety op. I've read all your posts. If you don't leave, in time, this man could end your life and you'll be another dreadful statistic. Please, for your safety and those of your children get an escape plan in order, I know it's easier said than done but you've wasted so many years already on this awful creature, please don't jeopardise future happiness.

Don't let him control you just do those things you don't need his permission. If he threatens violence report him to the police and take advice from a women's refuge charity.
Cohersive control is a crime . I'm so sorry you have had 16 years of this.

So helpful.

Ok, op, u need to leave your controlling shit husband. That helpful enough for you?

You can switch of location finding I think. But in case he has set things up in a way you can’t alter then you will need a new phone that he has no link to. So might your children. Do you have access to money? If you are desperate some CABs have SIM cards to give to people and you can buy an inexpensive hand set. Women’s Aid can advise and possibly help with practical assistance. Good luck.

OP you’re probably feeling very overwhelmed right now. Keep everything simple.

Do not tell him your plans, keep acting like nothing has changed with your mindset.
Get a cheap second phone, if it has internet access use that one for Mumsnet and delete all evidence of us from your existing one.
then baby steps, try one task a day towards freedom for @Confusednut womens aid and the freedom program should be towards the top of the to do list.

The advice from pp on confronting him, whilst well meaning and very valid in a normal healthy relationship, will not work for you, you are very isolated and he sounds truly awful.

when you’re free try joining some open swimming groups, it is the best place for healing your soul and clearing your head.

It does sound as though he feels threatened by you wanting to do things that he doesn’t like. My ex never wanted me to learn new skills, he frequently told me I was feeble nd when I enrolled at night school he went ballistic……..I walked away.

Hi Op, I hope you are doing ok. Your posts are so sad, this man has controlled you for so long. Please know you are not alone and that there are so many people here who will support you with great advice. MN helped me to leave my abusive partner years ago and it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my children.

I hope you are able to find some useful info from this thread and find the courage to leave. I know how hard it is but you deserve to be happy.xx

My DH has some controlling traits. I am now his prime carer with dementia. The thing is until recently I do not think I fully realised it. We did not start out like this. It was only a few years in that if I went to see friends he would throw a strop and that my hobbies had to stop as this was impacting time together and family time- I spent a few hours a week on these things and worked full time (he did not). Until I had more space to think about it I did not realise that slowly but surely my life was being very severely constrained and me as a a person was being suffocated. It is too late for me, but now you have realised this is happening think carefully if you think this should continue. IME without really good therapy he will not change, though it might be worth a try. Otherwise leave.

.

This is so abusive.

You HAVE to leave to protect your children

What’s the issue with you reading? I don’t get it? Why can’t you read and I’d be growing a back bone and saying wtf is your problem with me reading?!! I’d be walking out of this relationship, it sounds beyond a nightmare.

Oh, OP, you're only 40! You have more than half your life ahead of you, and you can be free and happy for decades and decades. Please do start down the road of ending this marriage. After you've done it, you will only wonder why you stayed so long. It will be so much better for your children too.

Definitely not too late for you, get Social Services in, explain the situation and get him assessed and make him someone else's problem. They can be hugely supportive and there's only so much you can do before you burnout.

OP what do I read? You're not allowed to have books??

It's easy to take this as a 'little thing' if you're trying to get along with your children's father, but it's not, it tells a whole story of abusive behaviour. It sounds a lot like you're like the proverbial boiled frog; gradually subjected to more and more abusive behavious until it becomes impossible to see that none of this is normal.

LTB. Or better, if possible, get him out, away from your children. He doesn't sound like a man who should be around a vulnerable person with autism.

Glad to hear that your daughter stood up for you. You've done something right there.