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Original poster

Poetry gift from his colleague that he didn't tell me about

205 replies

poetryslam · 05/06/2025 11:22

I can't really discuss this with anyone in real life so trying here to see if I'm overreacting and get some advice on how to proceed. I have a new baby and a DD who is 2.5. DH and I have a happy marriage (I thought) if a little distracted with children at this moment in life. Both work demanding jobs though I am on mat leave.
I finished my book today and noticed a book of poetry on the shelf that I hadn't read. Love the poet so picked it up and a postcard fell out. It was from his favourite museum in Paris, and on the back had a note for his most recent birthday, stating that he had big changes ahead, and signed off by colleague with an x. I flipped through the book and a photo of them with another couple was holding a page - probably from a work trip dinner. The poem was about seizing the present moment (future and past are non existent, must seize the now).
I felt sick. It's not sexual or anything but it's somehow worse because it felt so intimate and he has never mentioned it.
I know they are friends and see each other for runs every once in a while. We have socialised with her and her husband before, though not since our eldest was born.
I took a photo, put it back on the shelf and I haven't mentioned it.
I feel sick, and can't eat. I am breastfeeding a newborn and trying to look after a toddler and can't stop thinking about it.
It's bad, right? I am tempted to snoop further but scared of what I'll find.

OP posts:
Emonade · 05/06/2025 11:25

Oh I’m so sorry that would make me feel awful. It does seem very intimate but it could all be from her and does the fact it’s on the shelf mean he isn’t hiding it? Can you ask him about it?

Original poster
poetryslam · 05/06/2025 11:30

True. It was in our lounge, no attempt at hiding and as he's not much of a reader I doubt he'd even flicked through to notice the photo, but the card had been bent and put in the book. Why didn't he mention it to me though?
I will speak to him, but if something is going on he'd just deny? I suppose it's all I can do. I don't want to face up to it and risk hearing the worst when I'm feeling vulnerable with a new baby. What kind of coward am I?!

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 05/06/2025 11:35

I would speak to him, don't be making yourself ill especially with a newborn.
Hope he explains and it's innocent x

Darragon · 05/06/2025 11:35

God that's awful and he's so careless it's almost like he wants to get caught. Who even prints out photos these days, let alone to send to someone who is obviously already in a relationship?!

Original poster
poetryslam · 05/06/2025 11:41

@Darragon right? And the photo had a pinhole through it so had been taken off a pin board. What decade am I in?

OP posts:
Original poster
poetryslam · 05/06/2025 11:42

And thank you @Emonade and @Diarygirlqueen I appreciate the advice and taking the time to read.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 05/06/2025 11:43

You do need to speak to him. Hopefully it is a one sided things.

ginasevern · 05/06/2025 11:45

No, that doesn't sound good OP. Hopefully this colleague has just got a crush on him and it's all one sided. Can you access his phone?

Profpudding · 05/06/2025 11:49

Make sure the explanation that he gives you is feasible. If it’s elaborate and he’s tied himself up in knots to explain it, it’s probably bullshit
If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it’s a duck

Profpudding · 05/06/2025 11:51

ginasevern · 05/06/2025 11:45

No, that doesn't sound good OP. Hopefully this colleague has just got a crush on him and it's all one sided. Can you access his phone?

I don’t know. I had a Client give me a bunch of red roses on Valentine’s Day once and they were absolutely beautiful. Must’ve cost a fortune.
They went in the bin outside the office. There was absolutely no way I would risk taking them home because it was entirely one-sided on his part.
You wouldn’t keep the photo/book

KaleQueen · 05/06/2025 11:52

The fact he hasn’t hidden it or even mentioned i think suggests it’s pretty meaningless to him. Just explain how you came across it. I’m sure he’ll put your mind at rest straight away.
(ps the girl who had a ‘close friendship’ with my DH at his previous job (which caused us quite a lot of angst at the time) bought him a ‘bespoke’ t shirt linked to his football team as a leaving gift. He chucked it in a drawer. A few weeks later I ‘accidentally’ chucked it the charity bag during a clear out. A year on he still hasn’t noticed it’s missing 😂 it was that meaningless to him. So chuck the book if it helps!)

Original poster
poetryslam · 05/06/2025 11:53

He is travelling for work at the moment. But I think I should speak to him in person when he gets back. I have been running through it in my head and I think what he'll say is that she might have a little crush but really they're just colleagues and it's nothing. I am not sure if I will be satisfied by that.
Or I guess he might say something is going on which makes me physically sick to my stomach to think about

OP posts:
KaleQueen · 05/06/2025 11:55

Ah. Nothing will be going on don’t panic. He wouldn’t have put it on your bookshelf otherwise X

Original poster
poetryslam · 05/06/2025 11:56

Thanks @KaleQueen I really hope it's something similar. Does he still see that person socially? I am also annoyed because I really wanted to read the book but it's tainted now... not the main issue though!

OP posts:
Anotherparkingthread · 05/06/2025 11:59

I think everybody on this thread is over reacting. I can see myself giving somebody a poetry book and a card from a museum as a gift and not thinking anything more about it. I would definitely not be assuming the persons spouse would think I was having an affair with them. I tend to sign all cards with multiple X's as well.

The photo has a pin hole in it, so has likely been taken down from a board or something at work as well.

The page it is in could be random and he's just tucked it in the book. And even if it isn't, it's hardly a declaration of undying love. In fact it sounds more like a leaving present or a promotion or something. Has he changed roles at work etc?

And he left it with all the other books. He hasn't tried to hide it.

I think you may have leapt to the wrong conclusion and personally I'd be pretty offended if my partner accued me of having an affair based on a birthday card and a book.

Try not to over react and if you want to bring it up maybe just casually ask him about it. If he hasn't given you any reason to distrust him I don't think this alone is a good enough reason to start.

IfIDid · 05/06/2025 12:03

Anotherparkingthread · 05/06/2025 11:59

I think everybody on this thread is over reacting. I can see myself giving somebody a poetry book and a card from a museum as a gift and not thinking anything more about it. I would definitely not be assuming the persons spouse would think I was having an affair with them. I tend to sign all cards with multiple X's as well.

The photo has a pin hole in it, so has likely been taken down from a board or something at work as well.

The page it is in could be random and he's just tucked it in the book. And even if it isn't, it's hardly a declaration of undying love. In fact it sounds more like a leaving present or a promotion or something. Has he changed roles at work etc?

And he left it with all the other books. He hasn't tried to hide it.

I think you may have leapt to the wrong conclusion and personally I'd be pretty offended if my partner accued me of having an affair based on a birthday card and a book.

Try not to over react and if you want to bring it up maybe just casually ask him about it. If he hasn't given you any reason to distrust him I don't think this alone is a good enough reason to start.

This. I’ve certainly given male friends birthday presents of books, or sent them postcards. No sexual context whatsoever.

Delphiniumandlupins · 05/06/2025 12:03

Anotherparkingthread · 05/06/2025 11:59

I think everybody on this thread is over reacting. I can see myself giving somebody a poetry book and a card from a museum as a gift and not thinking anything more about it. I would definitely not be assuming the persons spouse would think I was having an affair with them. I tend to sign all cards with multiple X's as well.

The photo has a pin hole in it, so has likely been taken down from a board or something at work as well.

The page it is in could be random and he's just tucked it in the book. And even if it isn't, it's hardly a declaration of undying love. In fact it sounds more like a leaving present or a promotion or something. Has he changed roles at work etc?

And he left it with all the other books. He hasn't tried to hide it.

I think you may have leapt to the wrong conclusion and personally I'd be pretty offended if my partner accued me of having an affair based on a birthday card and a book.

Try not to over react and if you want to bring it up maybe just casually ask him about it. If he hasn't given you any reason to distrust him I don't think this alone is a good enough reason to start.

This

Alittlemoreconversationplease · 05/06/2025 12:03

Sorry you are in this situation op.

I wouldn’t do anything in your shoes. I’d keep very quiet and behave absolutely as normal and try and do some more investigating.

I really hope it’s nothing but you need more proof.

The “seeing each other for runs every once in a while” would be an area I would focus on sorry to say.

Take care of yourself 💐

Anotherparkingthread · 05/06/2025 12:06

I just wanted to add as well, I just told my partner about this thread, and he reminded me of the two poetry books he came back from a work event with, which were gifts from the secret santa! (my partner is quite bookish).

KaleQueen · 05/06/2025 12:08

poetryslam · 05/06/2025 11:56

Thanks @KaleQueen I really hope it's something similar. Does he still see that person socially? I am also annoyed because I really wanted to read the book but it's tainted now... not the main issue though!

No. They haven’t seen each other since he left that job.

Tina294 · 05/06/2025 12:18

Could the big changes be you guys having another baby? If he's just stuck it on the shelf then it doesn't sound like a big terrible secret. I wouldn't think the worst just yet.

SpendingTooMuchTimeHere · 05/06/2025 12:39

Alittlemoreconversationplease · 05/06/2025 12:03

Sorry you are in this situation op.

I wouldn’t do anything in your shoes. I’d keep very quiet and behave absolutely as normal and try and do some more investigating.

I really hope it’s nothing but you need more proof.

The “seeing each other for runs every once in a while” would be an area I would focus on sorry to say.

Take care of yourself 💐

This.

If you ask him, it’s very unlikely he’ll say that he has feelings for her etc. He will reassure you which could be the truth but perhaps not.

I’d just be on alert for changes in behaviour or suspicious behaviour.

As it wasn’t hidden it’s probably nothing.

Original poster
poetryslam · 05/06/2025 12:40

I am feeling really reassured by these responses. I do think big changes referred to the baby on the way. I just feel a bit weird she's picked a special poem and his favourite place. It all feels a bit like overstepping. I would absolutely not give a gift like that, with the meaningful location and bookmarking a specific poem, to someone else's husband. But maybe that's hormones speaking. I am weirdly a little bit wistful for how romantic it would be if someone were to give me such a thoughtful gift.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/06/2025 12:42

Could she have meant the big changes of you having the baby or something?

Was it a romantic picture? Could it just be 4 colleagues having fun on a work jolly?

Have you any other reason to think he's unfaithful? Has he form for it?

Original poster
poetryslam · 05/06/2025 12:47

No form for being unfaithful as far as I'm aware, but I am sensitive about this one woman in particular. Long story short(ish) husband and I used to go out to gigs and shows a lot and get quite drunk together. When I was pregnant with DD I obviously couldn't do that. He was going out with work and I discovered that she was almost always there, and I noted I felt he was sort of replacing our connection by having all the fun with this other lady. It came to a head when, on a work trip, she had taken him to see the Christmas lights after a night out, and she casually told me that they'd done that (just them). I was really upset and heavily pregnant and he apologised profusely, and said he saw what I meant, felt absolutely awful and understood why it would feel that way but nothing was going on and he'd not hang out with her as much. They work together so need to see each other sometimes but otherwise not really.

OP posts: