Poetry gift from his colleague that he didn't tell me about

[poetryslam]

I can't really discuss this with anyone in real life so trying here to see if I'm overreacting and get some advice on how to proceed. I have a new baby and a DD who is 2.5. DH and I have a happy marriage (I thought) if a little distracted with children at this moment in life. Both work demanding jobs though I am on mat leave.
I finished my book today and noticed a book of poetry on the shelf that I hadn't read. Love the poet so picked it up and a postcard fell out. It was from his favourite museum in Paris, and on the back had a note for his most recent birthday, stating that he had big changes ahead, and signed off by colleague with an x. I flipped through the book and a photo of them with another couple was holding a page - probably from a work trip dinner. The poem was about seizing the present moment (future and past are non existent, must seize the now).
I felt sick. It's not sexual or anything but it's somehow worse because it felt so intimate and he has never mentioned it.
I know they are friends and see each other for runs every once in a while. We have socialised with her and her husband before, though not since our eldest was born.
I took a photo, put it back on the shelf and I haven't mentioned it.
I feel sick, and can't eat. I am breastfeeding a newborn and trying to look after a toddler and can't stop thinking about it.
It's bad, right? I am tempted to snoop further but scared of what I'll find.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum no she's not on this trip as far as I know.

Have you had a look around the rest of your home for any other ‘tokens’ from her? It might help? @poetryslam

They often do leave things in plain sight because they know you’re not gonna snoop you’re not looking
If I had of opened a telephone bill, Everything would’ve come down like a deck of cards
And it would’ve saved me thousands of pounds and years of emotional trauma to the children.
But of course, why would I open his phone bill so he felt very confident leaving? It opened up on the side.

I’d feel the same way as you OP - my gut reaction would be that it was too intimate. But I also agree to could be innocent (or naivety) on his part.

I can’t believe woman would innocently give such presents to other women’s husbands! Who are the women here saying they do this? Sounds strange to me. Anyway I think him leaving the book in plain sight might mean he tells himself it’s innocent but that doesn’t mean it is.

Short update - I will write more once I am less in shock.
It was a full blown emotional affair. Daily texts, most recently a little tiff over him not messaging back quickly enough. Mundane and flirty and inappropriate, pretty much every day for years. I'm devastated.
He showed me messages, broke down and said he was ashamed and he will never speak to her again, that he told himself they were just close friends but knew it was wrong and was hiding it from me.
I feel numb and horrible. He has been putting so much energy into this woman for years while I've been the nag at home birthing and raising his children.

Oh @poetryslam I’m so sorry, your gut was right. Don’t make any hasty decisions now as you’ll be in shock but do ask him to leave and give you space if that will help - have to got someone who can come and stay with you to help with the dc?
Emotional affairs are so painful and causes as much if not more damage than a physical affair. What a fool he has been. Sending strength.

What a terrible shock. However I would be absolutely flabbergasted if it was only an emotional affair. That is bad enough because he's given her all his attention for years. I'm really sorry but for me that would be the end.

Flipping’eck. What a shock and a huge betrayal.

So sorry to hear that op. I don't have any advice really except try to stay calm and continue to post on here if it helps. 💐

Are you sure it's not been physical? Seems unlikely it'd go on for years without sex. They tend to only admit partially and gradually more comes out.

I’ve just read the thread now and was about to reply saying I suspect emotional affair soon to go into full blown affair , then I saw this latest update here.

It’s not surprising to me in the least but I can understand how it’s a shock to you as you obviously wanted to think the best of your husband.

They’re both out of order but of course your main issue is with your husband. It’s all very well him saying sorry or breaking down- but why did he do it in the first place?

It seems without examining the deeper issues he will do it again with her or someone else. It wasn’t just a one off thing it was a consistent thing spanning a long period of time.

Oh that’s awful OP. I’d also be reluctant to believe it hadn’t got physical if it’s been going on for several years. I’d be raging, having children with you whilst messaging another woman for years. So sorry he did that to you. If he has to work with this woman how is going to never speak to her again?

I’m so sorry OP. It won’t be any consolation but many men do this for no particular reason but that it’s fun to have someone massaging your ego. They’re just selfish little boys. Yes, it is energy and time and attention that should have gone to you, especially as you said there were no particular issues in your relationship. While you, like most women, were birthing and raising the kids, sacrificing yourself in so many ways daily and on so many levels creating people and a family with and for him, he was mostly concerned about adding a little fun and side entertainment to his life. That’s the worst of it in my opinion, the different ways men and woman see the world and act in the world. The self centeredness and immaturity of men.

Bless you. What a selfish arse he is. Take care of yourself and ask for space if you need it

Oh I’m sorry op. That’s devastating. I think you said earlier that your parents are close? Lean on them at a time like this you need people on your side. It’s all very well him crying now, but he did this for years.While you were pregnant and raising children. Also like other posters I’d be surprised if it hadn’t been physical at least a couple of times.

So sorry OP.

I’m so sorry OP. I highly doubt if they have work trips away together that it hasn’t become physical. Even if it didn’t he has totally broken your trust. Awful behaviour from both of them.

@poetryslam ugh I’m so sorry. Your instincts were right. At least he showed you the texts and hadn’t deleted them. He knew how much you trusted him to the extent you wouldn’t even look at his phone. Stupid stupid man. I disagree with people saying it would def be physical too. It may not have been. He may have just been enjoying the attention. And her being huffy when he didn’t text back quickly enough?! Disgusting.

I’m angry for you. You must be so hurt. What a sad little man needing his ego stroked when he has a lovely, caring, committed partner at home.

sending you love and strength

I would be so angry, years, texting everyday, whilst I was looking after our babies.
And now he says it’s wrong, because why, why suddenly stop now if he knew it was wrong, he’s had two babies time to stop this, but he waits thinking he could leave poem books out in the open, very cocksure and only now it’s wrong.
And what you carry the betrayal, get asked not to tell her husband, they have had years of ego boosting meals out, cheeky texts but you are now expected to a) believe him and b) keep his “loving” family together? So what everyone moves on and only you are expected to carry the hurt.

Fuck that.

I advise you don’t do anything rash.

But really OP the only person who should be feeling bad, not able to sleep, worried is him.
I would be too angry to be upset.

I would be stomping round telling him that everything I thought our relationship and family was is effectively built on sand. (I am a more firy type mind) I would tell him he has destroyed everything because that is how I would feel. But my H knows I am not one to put up with excuses or words, it’s actions that I judge and he is well below the line deemed acceptable never mind decent.

So try and not blame, for want of a better word, yourself.

Even though he says he’ll end it, please note that he’s only ending it because you’ve discovered the affair. He’s not ending it because he wants to, but because he’s been found out.

FFS - what an arsehole, with a young family too, he's a fool, risked everything

@poetryslam im so sorry. Was really hoping this wasn’t the case. He knew it was wrong but carried on for YEARS. That is hard to forget and your trust in him will be understandably shattered.

You don’t need to make any decisions right now, to forgive or move on. He needs to understand that whether or not you stay together that this has irreversibly changed your relationship. His choices have hurt you. And that’s what they were choices not mistakes.

Where are you now? Is he still in the house? You need time to process what has happened. Can you take the newborn and stay with family for a few days? Show him what it feels like to be a single father.

Ah OP ..
I’m sorry this is how it has turned out …
I know this isn’t much of a consolation, but at least he didn’t try to make you out to be crazy , so he could carry on what he is doing, & completely fuck with your head ..
You confronted him , he has admitted , not that that makes any of it feel ok , you need time to process now ..
You need thinking time .. x x