What kind of ‘emotional weight’ was he sharing with her? Was it deeply inappropriate—like personal secrets, private feelings, or things that should have been reserved for you as his wife? Or was it more that you felt he showed more care, interest, or emotional investment in her than he was showing you at the time?
I think that distinction matters. From what you’ve described, it sounds like she was putting just as much, if not more effort into maintaining his attention. That doesn’t excuse his choices at all, but if it was an ego boost and a source of easy, uncomplicated attention for him, I can see how the situation might have spiraled, especially if it started gradually, at a time when your focus was (understandably) on your baby and family.
But if he was sharing more of himself with her than with you—if he disclosed intimate details about his life or shared things he wasn’t sharing with you, or building a connection rooted in dissatisfaction with your relationship—then that’s a different level of betrayal.
In that case:
a) it’s more likely the relationship also became physical, and
b) it represents a much more serious breach of trust and respect, which would be far harder to come back from.
The former, while still hurtful, may say more about how he handled life changes, attention from another woman, and the challenges of adjusting to a growing family. It may point to a need for validation or connection at a time when your emotional energy was understandably directed elsewhere. It also sounds like she saw an opportunity and stepped into a role that used to be yours, back when you two were more carefree—before the responsibilities of parenthood and he failed to police that.
That doesn’t make any of it okay. But it would be worth exploring in therapy around how he invests in you and your family going forward, and how to protect those boundaries. If both of you are willing to do the hard work, there might be something to rebuild, even if it takes time.
Rebuilding trust is another matter entirely though. For that to happen, I think you need to feel you’ve had full honesty and transparency from him—even if that means there are more hard truths to discover and more painful revelations. Your ability to trust him will come from sustained, consistent actions over time—his honesty, his willingness to be accountable, and his openness every single day.
How he ended things with her matters too. Did he make it clear she was not important, and that you are? Or did he blame the ending on your jealousy or discomfort? Those kinds of details really matter, because they give insight into whether he’s still keeping a door open to her in some way.
Changing jobs is a positive step. Offering full transparency—messages, bank statements, whatever you need (even if you never check them)—can be part of rebuilding safety. Him telling his family can also show he’s taking real ownership.
Having a young family is so hard. You’re hormonal, exhausted, and carrying a huge mental and emotional load. Trying to do couples therapy now, with a new baby, is an enormous ask. So take it one day at a time.
I hope in time that this can either help you grow stronger together—or allow you to walk away knowing you made the right choice for yourself and your family.
(gosh, sorry that was an essay, well done if you get this far @poetryslam !)