Poetry gift from his colleague that he didn't tell me about

[poetryslam]

I can't really discuss this with anyone in real life so trying here to see if I'm overreacting and get some advice on how to proceed. I have a new baby and a DD who is 2.5. DH and I have a happy marriage (I thought) if a little distracted with children at this moment in life. Both work demanding jobs though I am on mat leave.
I finished my book today and noticed a book of poetry on the shelf that I hadn't read. Love the poet so picked it up and a postcard fell out. It was from his favourite museum in Paris, and on the back had a note for his most recent birthday, stating that he had big changes ahead, and signed off by colleague with an x. I flipped through the book and a photo of them with another couple was holding a page - probably from a work trip dinner. The poem was about seizing the present moment (future and past are non existent, must seize the now).
I felt sick. It's not sexual or anything but it's somehow worse because it felt so intimate and he has never mentioned it.
I know they are friends and see each other for runs every once in a while. We have socialised with her and her husband before, though not since our eldest was born.
I took a photo, put it back on the shelf and I haven't mentioned it.
I feel sick, and can't eat. I am breastfeeding a newborn and trying to look after a toddler and can't stop thinking about it.
It's bad, right? I am tempted to snoop further but scared of what I'll find.

I am shocked at your update… it looks like they’ve been hiding in plain sight for years. Sending you a big hug x

The pessimistic side of me did think he’d put it there on purpose 😢

I disagree with the ‘leave him’ brigade. Men can be stupid and enjoy the fantasy of the attention of another woman but it doesn’t always have to end up with a marriage break up (especially if it hasn’t become physical). If he changes long term and is genuinely remorseful the trust can be rebuilt.

Urgh, I’m so sorry - what a shock, and what a total shit.

How ‘bad’ is it? On a scale of intense regular messaging, hanging out and oversharing to declarations of love, slagging spouses off and planning to leave for each other but oops new baby got in the way, did you get a sense of the depth? How secretive has he actually been- you say you don’t check his phone, and you were aware his boundaries with her had been slipping, so is it mostly intense comms, or is it meeting up without you knowing, telling her he loves her etc.? Both are awful, but an intense friendship might be recoverable from. Who seems to be doing the initiating and chasing? Mutual?

How easily did he fess up? How come he didn’t confess after the winter lights debacle when he claimed he realised it was inappropriate- is it after that things ramped up? Does he seem ashamed at getting caught or actually remorseful? He’s said he’ll block her - will he stop working with her? Will he go to therapy? Will he confess to his family? Has he given you access to any and all devices and platforms?

Make him tell her husband, he deserves to know and your dickhead deserves to feel the full shame of telling him. And then once it’s out in the open, and before she & dickhead get a chance to align their stories, ask her whether it turned physical.

I hope you’re ok @poetryslam it must be a fucking awful shock but at least now you know and can start making informed choices.

Except this has been going on ‘for years’ to quote op. Op has a baby and a 2.5 year old, so the affair possibly predates the children being born. Having the children would have been a good excuse to cut contact but he continued. Yes, he probably did enjoy the flattery, but he was too weak and /or unwilling to end it, and has only chose to end it because op has found out.

@poetryslam he says he won’t talk to her again but how feasible is this if they work closely together?
Once you’ve had a think about what you want, if you do want to give him a chance, it must be conditional that he leaves his job or you will never have sub peace in your head.

I am really doubting here that it was just “emotional” … it went on for years with multiple times to “legitimately “ stay away together, I don’t buy it, get an std test as soon as you can x

@poetryslam, I am so sorry for the trauma that your H has inflicted on you, his Wife who has given so abundantly to him and your children. You have been in an unequal, abusive relationship.

As I feared, he has indeed been investing in infidelity and defiling your marriage and family for years while romancing his girlfriend. It takes an especially cold and unempathetic man to cheat on his pregnant Wife. Neither of these devious snakes have an ounce of decency or integrity.

He could have shut down this affair way back when you expressed discomfort after DD1 was born, but instead he kept stealing your agency and consent for the thrill of his double life. He saw how upset you were about the holiday lights in December, but paid lip service to being remorseful and continued cheating and prioritizing OW. She likely spilled the beans about their excursion because she was jealous of your pregnancy and wanted to wound you.

In addition to H’s long-term infidelity, he dared to bring into your home OW’s gift which contains intimate symbols of their connection. Be aware that his crocodile tears and begging are performative dramatics meant to manipulate you. He’s bricking it because he doesn’t want to lose his professional/personal reputation, home comforts, or part of his income. You would be very foolish to believe anything he says. You now know what he is capable of.

I agree with others that after all this time they are physically involved, so you need to get an STD test. Also, please inform OW’s husband of her faithless behavior so he too can make decisions based on truths.

@poetryslam, I hope you have a loving support system surrounding you as you process your shock, pain and grief. Enduring your abuser’s presence will likely exacerbate your pain, so I suggest that you send him away for now as a sharp consequence and to give you space.

Such a heinous betrayal would spell the end for me, but should you decide to reconcile, he would need to comply with your recovery requirements, including changing jobs, going NC with OW, providing full transparency with devices, and digging deep in IC to examine his deeply dysfunctional flaws that enabled his adultery. Be aware that therapists advise it can take 2-5 years for recovery, and that is when the betrayer is fully committed to moving mountains.

Although it stands to reason that their affair would now involve physical elements, it is not a given. Even if they have maintained their intense emotional connection without going further, for me that would be equally devastating and destructive, and perhaps worse.

@poetryslam, his trashing his vows and fidelity to you and pursuing a double life with OW while you were growing/birthing/nurturing his children and providing him with a multitude of gifts — including love and commitment, trust, intimacy, respect, and intentional care and support — is the lowest of the low.

He is certainly a very poor father and role model for your daughters.

Why would anyone suggest she stays with someone who openly betrayed her and risked their tiny babies futures and chances of having a mum and dad together for literal years? He lied and deceived for years! Not a quick fumble, not a short fling, continuous lies and sneaking around behind his faithful wife’s back. He can never be trusted, this is expert levels of utter fuckery from this man. He’s capable of anything 😡 OP you deserve a million times better than settling for this shit and don’t let anyone tell you different. And being alone would be better, I’d be telling them they’re welcome to eachother, pond life they are 😏

I’m so sorry, my first reaction was who the hell buys colleagues gifts of any sort.

I think even if he didn’t get as far as anything physical the betrayal and minimising and dismissing you is vast and it will eat away at you.

Think of your MH first and foremost, my mate is now divorcing her husband who had an affair. The denial and lies while they worked on their marriage after she was suspicious and he kept insisting they were just friends destroyed her and she ended up being very unwell, physically and mentally. She is doing ok now but it’s been horrific.

In many ways, I think emotional affairs are worse than purely physical ones. There's so many feelings and a strong bond built between the 2 of them. I'm not sure I could forgive it.

I do think for women emotional affairs are harder to forgive. While men seem to find it harder to get over their partners being physical with someone else. I’m so sorry @poetryslam Thinking about you today.

Do you have any support in real life?

Where is your head at?

I don't have the mental stamina to give much here, but by quick update:

• I'm not making any decisions right now. I'm taking some space because I can't think straight
• I have told some people in real life which has really helped
• I told her husband who initially seems pretty unconcerned about the whole thing - said said that he has been fully aware of this the whole time. I am baffled but good for them I guess?

I’m guessing that other dh has been sold a ‘we’re only (platonic) friends’ storyline, and doesn’t realise the level of intimacy. Possibly he doesn’t understand about emotional affairs.

@FarFromtheMadders it has been mildly flirty, no obvious declarations of love, but emotionally charged, daily check ins. Meetings I didn't know about or I was given the impression that other people were there. He was so kind and thoughtful in those messages and I felt jealous that it was often during times that I was getting nothing from him since he was so busy at work. There was nothing overtly sexy that I saw (though lots of showing off to one another, including her "casually" working her small weight into the conversation soon after I'd given birth)

He’s either turning a blind eye or he just doesn’t care OP , ( sure they could have a rubbish marriage) , or saving face, making out he knows & is fine with it , male ego remember ! 🙄

I hope you feel better soon , it will be ok , things will work out in the end x

I can see why her DH thought nothing of it, as it could be read from his end as just very good friends if not sexual /sexting. She may not have been taking attention away from her DH. And men often don’t think of emotional affairs as a real thing. But from your end he was neglecting you and investing in her.

Has he said why he did it? Do you think he’s been honest about his feelings for her? Or was it an ego boost? I hope he’s grovelling and regretting every single time he thought about her when he should’ve been investing in you.

He can't explain why he did it. He claims it was a friendship that got out of hand and that he has a problem with protecting the feelings of the people who are least important (ridiculous as he's not a passenger in this!). I think he liked the ego boost and I think she offered an uncomplicated attention to him and fostered a connection while ours were complicated by the demands of family life. I still don't have a good reason from him though. He claims he was deluding himself that it was okay because it didn't cross a physical line. Jury remains out for me on the physical but it's (nearly) a moot point with such emotional weight shared over so long. He is grovelling and pleading but of course he would...

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I think you are right not to making any decisions right now but personally I don’t think I could forgive this.

Has he offered any solutions? Does he expect to keep her as a friend? Presumably she knows how upset you are if you have contacted her husband? Has she tried to make contact with either of you?

You are justified in how you feel. It is a betrayal and I’m glad he accepts that and hasn’t made it worse by minimising it. Although making out he kept it up to protect her feelings shows he hasn’t grasped what it is inside him that wanted to prioritise her attention.

I think therapy is something you both would benefit from.

Has he given you full access to all his devices and accounts so that you can see the full extent of his comms?

He has said he will organise therapy for both of us and himself individually. He has written to her to cut all contact and claims he will never see or speak to her again (he is actually moving jobs anyway, so this may be feasible). He is sort of doing the right things, but I just don't trust him anymore.

@poetryslam sending him away for a few days. The pleading on his part is not ok. He’s emotionally burdening you when you have to come to terms with this shock. Giving emotional support to her instead of you and making out he didn’t understand how it happened. He’s only stopping or saying he will as he’s been caught.
Also don’t let the ow’s husbands reaction influence you - maybe he doesn’t care or they have a shit marriage.
A great deal has happened in the last 48 hours so I think you need some space x

Understandable, you trusted him completely and he threw it in your face. He knew it was wrong and did it day after day.

She was such an integral part of his daily life that he might have the best of intentions of never speaking to her again but he might actually find it harder than he thinks considering the amount of investment he put into their relationship and that’s what is going to hurt.

You don’t need to make any decisions now. Concentrate on your baby, go to couples therapy, see whether his actions long term line up with the panicked promises he is giving now.

I would be expecting full access to his phone whenever you have a wobble. If he isn’t willing to lose his privacy until you feel the trust has been rebuilt, then he’s not serious about reconciling.

Did you end up going with the plan of asking him what the book was about and then asking for his phone then and there?

Did he hand it over straight away or try and deflect?