Poetry gift from his colleague that he didn't tell me about

[poetryslam]

I can't really discuss this with anyone in real life so trying here to see if I'm overreacting and get some advice on how to proceed. I have a new baby and a DD who is 2.5. DH and I have a happy marriage (I thought) if a little distracted with children at this moment in life. Both work demanding jobs though I am on mat leave.
I finished my book today and noticed a book of poetry on the shelf that I hadn't read. Love the poet so picked it up and a postcard fell out. It was from his favourite museum in Paris, and on the back had a note for his most recent birthday, stating that he had big changes ahead, and signed off by colleague with an x. I flipped through the book and a photo of them with another couple was holding a page - probably from a work trip dinner. The poem was about seizing the present moment (future and past are non existent, must seize the now).
I felt sick. It's not sexual or anything but it's somehow worse because it felt so intimate and he has never mentioned it.
I know they are friends and see each other for runs every once in a while. We have socialised with her and her husband before, though not since our eldest was born.
I took a photo, put it back on the shelf and I haven't mentioned it.
I feel sick, and can't eat. I am breastfeeding a newborn and trying to look after a toddler and can't stop thinking about it.
It's bad, right? I am tempted to snoop further but scared of what I'll find.

I wouldn’t be held to any ‘hold’ at all. Where has he plucked six weeks from? Be wary of anything he instigates or asks for, he’s had a lot longer to think about this than you have. What are the six weeks supposed to do? Has he secretly agreed a six week break from her that you don’t know about, to see if he can stand to end it once and for all?
People caught cheating are sometimes in a dilemma and whilst you are reeling from the shock of playing catch-up with the reality that he had a secret life, he is reeling from the shock of being discovered and probably never really thought about what would happen or what he would do if you did. When you had the conversation about cooling it with her, he saw her again. No doubt gave her chapter and verse about his predicament. Did he reach an agreement with her to cool it for a few weeks to calm you down/ throw you off the scent so that the status quo could resume later? Or say he wanted a break from it to decide what he really wants then choose? Why did he see her? What was discussed? What did they decide?
You really need to know why and where he got the ‘six week hold’ from, what he wants to happen in six weeks, and what he’s going to do about her permanently.
Ask him what she thinks is the state of their affair “relationship” now, and what she thinks is the state of your relationship and how she took it if he’s told her it’s over. He might and indeed probably will lie, but ask the right questions, he will not he expecting you to probe too deeply.
The access to his devices is good, however online email accounts, incognito mode, hidden messaging apps/ vault apps plus hidden folders means that you’ll find nothing, even if there is plenty to find. Dual SIM, virtual SIM, second SIM card and/ or burner phones mean his main device might be squeaky clean anyway. Offering to show you is a start though.
Accept no terms or ‘on holds’ from him.
He did the damage, he needs to shut up and listen to what you want and need. What happens next is in your terms and your timeline. Be very wary of his ‘helpful’ suggestions and proposals, especially time dependent ones, he might have discussed this with her.

What a shit!

He is making a lot of requests for someone who should be keeping his mouth shut unless he is apologising

Basically after we had a conversation about cooling it with her, he just carried on but started lying instead.
This is what would piss me off the most as it's complete dishonestly & disrespectful to you. He just outright lied as had no intention of cooling it off.
If it was me I'd ask him to leave for a while and give you space without him getting in your head to decide how you want to move forward. Don't give two fucks what he wants, he needs to follow your lead on this.

Is he still working with her and seeing her every day?

I'm so sorry OP, I really hoped it was innocent.

So what did the 'big changes' refer to? Him changing jobs?

I agree with this. I'd flip his 6 week suggestion around on him and ask him to leave for 6 weeks to give you time to think before making any big decisions!

Thanks all. My problem is that we have no family here, and I can't manage the children on my own yet. I don't really know how I can physically get some space right now while I'm still recovering. I can't even lift my toddler.

goodness @poetryslam the difference between your initial posts and your last ones are so telling. You sound utterly destroyed st the moment. Delegate childcare to him for now while you try and take care of yourself x

You need to take care of yourself and your children. You don’t need to kick him out if it leaves you vulnerable. Just put in place boundaries so that you don’t ‘go back to normal’ without really making a decision to be with him. I’m so sorry, he has completely ruined your little baby bubble. I hope he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

So he broke his promise and continued to talk to her. Maybe one ‘this is ending’ ’ message he fine, but not several messages after that.

i get he’s the father of your kids. That fact doesn’t change. Doesn’t mean you need to be with him. He’s broken and betrayed your trust, and I think once that has gone, there’s very little chance of recovery (especially as he’s still talking to her. Shows you where his priorities may. He’s not exactly trying to win you back, is he?!).

But he was away travelling with work for a few nights when you discovered the book & card. Were you on your own then?

if so, I’d make a point of doing that again.

or if you had support, I’d open up to that person and ask for extra support under the circumstances.

the last thing you want him to feel is that your dependent on him and can’t cope without him around. Even just short term so he sees it’s a real possibility. Even if you ultimately decide to make it work, he needs to experience the true fear of losing you. As it stands he doesn’t think there are any consequences so long as he gives you access to his phone etc.

hes promised he’d reduce constact in the past and didn’t. This time round he’s only offering to cut contact because he was caught. If you hadn’t picked up that book he’d still be going on as he has been

Fucking hell, all these men who suddenly need therapy when they’ve been caught having a bit of extra curricular. Funny how they didn’t require any counselling before they were caught isn’t it? And why should YOU have therapy? This is a him problem that’s he’s dragged you into.

id be taking myself out of his lady buffet, telling him to shove his therapy suggestion up his arse and asking him to move out in the short term at least. Give you some time to consider your position and it shows him you’re not some doormat who will agree to a few counselling sessions cos he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar

What @BatFaceChops says.

He has been putting so much energy into this woman for years. And yet he is downplaying her importance to him.

@poetryslam, being numb is a natural response to great trauma, and it must be especially pronounced after you recently gave birth and have a new baby and a busy toddler whom you can’t even pick up. Shame on your sneaky,
self-serving, treacherous H who was able to look at you and DD1 everyday for years with so much deception behind his smile.

Yes, it is disturbing that he ditched his promise at Christmas to distance himself from OW after causing you distress over their cozy lights viewing during your pregnancy. It speaks volumes that he stepped up the sneaky lying and conniving to keep you blind because he couldn’t stay away from her. [He faked such remorse to throw you off the scent. What does he have to say about serving you those shit sandwiches?] That wasn’t the first time you had expressed your unease about them. After DD1 arrived you felt that he was replacing you with OW for fun nights out. I assume that they commenced their long-term affair at that time, and purposely invested in nurturing their connection, hence the deeply personal book of poetry with intimate touches.

He’s being performative and controlling to manipulate you. As the betrayer, he doesn’t get to make any requests or demands. You do. It sounds like he still feels entitled to control the narrative. Tell him to back off. Like @Thewookiemustgo, I wonder what the significance is of the ‘6 weeks’. He must have an agenda. Frankly, I don’t believe that he and OW are finished. He is way ahead of you, just like before when he ramped up his subterfuge because he couldn’t give her up.

@poetryslam, try to take it easy and enjoy your baby. Disengage from H as much as possible, and when you feel stronger impose some sharp consequences and make your decisions on your timetable.

OP @MsDogLady has nailed it as she usually does.
You could hold off for his six weeks only to find he has been using them to mollify OW and get his own ducks in a row.
I know it looks as if we are savaging somebody who you see as sobbing and falling at your feet. Please, please believe me that from personal experience, on discovery they will say just about ANYTHING that will get the situation where they want it: back in their control. You won’t believe it of him, you’ll believe that he can’t possibly see you on your knees like this and yet continue to lie and manipulate the situation. He can. He absolutely can.He’s been mired in lies for so long and justifying his crap with dodgy excuses in his head, that truth and honesty are strangers to him currently, they just manifest as inconveniences that get in the way of doing what he wants. Lying is now just a way of getting along to him, no biggie, until he actually faces the reality of his current character. He’s running as fast as he can away from that reality, it’s crashing down around him right now.
Tell him how it’s going to be, do not agree to any timeline, and tell him you want proof from both of them that this is over.

What @BatFaceChops said.

God when I was going through this shit I wish I had advisors like @Thewookiemustgo and @MsDogLady
Sorry to derail but I just wanted to give thanks for this advice ❤️😊

@poetryslam you have no help and can’t lift your toddler? You are dealing with an awful lot on your own, this would still be hell without a baby and a toddler to have to deal with. If a family member can’t stay for a while to help you, then he needs to.
He needs to ask for compassionate leave asap and help you out, if he hasn’t already taken paternity leave he needs to take it now.

You don’t have to act as a couple when he’s around if you don’t want to, but on a practical level he’s their dad and your husband, both big responsibilities he should take seriously for once. At present he needs to go several extra miles to do a far better job in both respects. You need help lovely, immediate practical support.
He should supply it.

Thank you all for your support and advice. On lifting the toddler, I'm being a bit dramatic, I'm technically cleared after the c section but it's still painful. We paid for some morning and evening help to manage the most hectic periods while my husband was away. I can do that again, but doing this alone with a bit of help indefinitely feels very big right now. I agree I need space, and we're sleeping separately and dividing and conquering the children. I may ask him to stay with a friend for a week or so, but much longer feels daunting.
I think it was @OchreRaven who suggested having him sign a postnuptial agreement and put the house in my name. Though I've not decided if I'm going to stay or go, I tested this suggestion and he said yes without hesitation. I think it's probably a good idea regardless of what I decide. So thank you for that! (And apologies if I've attributed wrong)

Agreed!

I’m so glad he agreed. Shows he’s serious.

I’ve always thought if I was in this situation I would make my H do this to prove that he was invested in the relationship and he would also have to trust me, which helps the power dynamic after such a terrible betrayal.

You should choose to be with him because you believe your relationship is worth the pain, not because you don’t have another option.

I’d get on the phone to a solicitor tomorrow and lock that post nup down - it’s easy to say yes until he’s presented with the dotted line to sign on. Might help you feel you can rebuild trust if he actually does this.

Unfortunately, putting the house in your name makes no difference as, should you divorce, assets are split equally.

Post nuptials are similarly ineffective in UK Courts.

I fell for the same rubbish and it didn't mean anything at all in the end.

All the tricks and empty gestures on the world can't take back the betrayal and I'm sorry you're going through it.

Google says: A postnuptial agreement in the UK is a legal contract entered into by married couples or civil partners after their marriage or civil partnership. It outlines how assets, debts, and other financial matters would be divided if the marriage or civil partnership were to end. While not automatically legally binding, courts consider these agreements when deciding financial settlements in divorce or separation cases, especially if they were entered into freely and with full understanding of their implications.

So I assume of you were to split he would need to argue against you getting 100% of the house rather than starting at 50:50.

But more importantly it’s a show of faith in your relationship from him and a direct consequence of his infidelity.

Unfortunately, thats not how it works. Courts start from 50/50 and work from there depending on child residence and other factors (which could include pre and post N agreements).

I can only talk from experience, rather than Google, and mine was worth nothing when contested.

Wishing you positive next steps OP. Only you will know if he is truly sorry and it is worth it to consider staying together - young children are definitely a swaying factor as it is certainly more challenging to raise them as a single parent in many cases.