Poetry gift from his colleague that he didn't tell me about

[poetryslam]

I can't really discuss this with anyone in real life so trying here to see if I'm overreacting and get some advice on how to proceed. I have a new baby and a DD who is 2.5. DH and I have a happy marriage (I thought) if a little distracted with children at this moment in life. Both work demanding jobs though I am on mat leave.
I finished my book today and noticed a book of poetry on the shelf that I hadn't read. Love the poet so picked it up and a postcard fell out. It was from his favourite museum in Paris, and on the back had a note for his most recent birthday, stating that he had big changes ahead, and signed off by colleague with an x. I flipped through the book and a photo of them with another couple was holding a page - probably from a work trip dinner. The poem was about seizing the present moment (future and past are non existent, must seize the now).
I felt sick. It's not sexual or anything but it's somehow worse because it felt so intimate and he has never mentioned it.
I know they are friends and see each other for runs every once in a while. We have socialised with her and her husband before, though not since our eldest was born.
I took a photo, put it back on the shelf and I haven't mentioned it.
I feel sick, and can't eat. I am breastfeeding a newborn and trying to look after a toddler and can't stop thinking about it.
It's bad, right? I am tempted to snoop further but scared of what I'll find.

after an initial distance he imposed, they have gone back to seeing each other socially relatively regularly. I haven't pulled him up on it because I am not his mother and I trust(ed) him to be conscious of the line after we spoke.

I think this is your problem - he may well feel that he is maintaining boundaries, even though he’s socialising with her. Your view of boundaries and his might be different. It sounds like she’s pushing so what you need to establish is whether (a) he’s enjoying it and encouraging it even if he’s not reciprocating (b) hasn’t noticed and genuinely doesn’t see it as an issue (c) doesn’t know how to handle it, is perhaps embarrassed/ awkward about the attention.

As you’re having to pull him up on it a second time, I would expect him to shut down the friendship side of the relationship to be nothing more than professional and end all avenues for her pursing intimacy, to show you his commitment to you. Anything less and I’d be very nervous of his desire or prioritise her over you.

@poetryslam I think your idea on how to approach it is a good one. Especially asking for his narrative on the situation then asking to see their messages to back up what he has said. You are within your rights to question whether there have been inappropriate conversations that would lead to a gift like that.

My advice would be to remain very calm throughout. This way if he gets defensive it’s more obvious because he’s not reacting to you being aggressive or upset. He’s reacting to you asking him about the situation.

If he doesn’t want to show you his phone then and there or tries to ‘storm off’ you need to calmly ask him to confirm he is protecting his privacy with this colleague over reassuring his wife. Be clear with him that if he walks away from the conversation without showing you, you won’t be able to trust what he says in future regardless of whether he chooses to show you at a later date. Make it clear that this is a defining moment in your relationship. You love him and can deal with the truth, but can’t be with someone you don’t trust. And trust is built and maintained with trustworthy behaviour.

I wouldn’t like it either. Nor the comment about ‘big changes.’ That suggests it might be something personal to him that she knows about or a career thing, not his family life/baby.

Maybe he has been confiding in her?

I do agree with some pps that it might be nothing and why give a poetry book to someone who doesn’t read? It’s quite a personal gift.

This is great advice. Good luck OP.
I hope it’s minimal boundary crossing and can be nipped in the bud.

Call me a nerd but what kind of poetry was it? I feel like Neruda would have different vibes to Philip Larkin for example.

OP I really hope this is nothing, to put your post another way - you found a book with a birthday card in it and a photo from a work trip. I think the fact that it’s poetry and from a particular museum etc have made it possibly seem much more personal than it is. Messages about seizing the moment etc are quite useful in the throes of having a new baby as you know.

But if you think there’s a weird vibe with this woman then it might be worth more attention - do you think she is interested in him? What’s her situation?

I also agree with this. We have pin board at work that often has pictures taken at work events or socials. Some old photos were taken down recently and offered to those who were in them. I also interpreted the 'big changes' as a second baby.

To avoid outing (in case other colleagues knew elements of this - if she's reading I'm sure she knows it's her) I will just say the poetry is early 20th century exploration of the human condition.
The museum is an art museum and postcard is of his favourite artist, book definitely purchased separately.

@OchreRaven thank you so much. This is such helpful advice. I am glad I posted this because I hadn't really thought through how to deal with the different ways he might react.

Oh and I missed some of your questions @WitcheryDivine - she is married. I agree and definitely read the message to be about new baby, so at least acknowledging that. I keep going back and forth about it being innocent or iffy. It is all plausibly deniable, but I keep thinking perhaps that's the point?

Writing that out makes me feel silly and like I'm being paranoid. I'm not entirely myself right now.

The fact that he didn’t mention it was because it could mean it doesn’t actually mean anything, and he just shoved it on the shelf out of the way. I’d be tempted to quietly dispose of it (and see whether he notices. )

However, I’d also be overthinking the find also!

I actually think this could be innocent. I can imagine buying someone a book of poetry and giving them a photo that was taken at work, without meaning anything romantic by it. Hope that when you speak to him, it DOES turn out that way,

Shoved it on the shelf with a picture of them together inside and a loving postcard too?

I’m not saying definite affair but there has been inappropriate boundary crossing and he is fully aware that is what he’s done. Do not let him play it off like he didn’t realise. He knows how much it will upset you and has walked that dangerous line anyway.

I think plan how you would deal with worst case scenario but hope for the best. From what you have said I think he will be able to reassure you and hopefully put your mind at rest. But you don’t want to be on the back foot if he turns out to be an arse about it.

Remember that no one who is innocent sits there with evidence to prove it in their hand and would rather their relationship falls apart than use it. A simple ‘I will have to assume that you believe whatever is on your phone would be unforgivable unless you prove otherwise. ‘

I agree that it is a v personal gift - I get the feeling that this colleague is probably quite an annoying person in that she's showing OP's DH how 'deep' she is.
OP, good luck with your conversation with your DH. Even if his head has been turned a bit by her attention, I would just try to rise above it and calmly point out to him that it's a bit inappropriate/rude of her to try to forge that deep connection with him when she has met you before. Any decent woman with a platonic male friend would make an extra effort with that male friend's partner too, as a mark of respect and reassurance.

I am the sort of wanker person who would give a book of poetry with a poem marked out as a gift, but only to someone I considered a friend (as opposed to non-friend colleague or acquaintance). I don't know that I've ever had a male colleague who would fit that description, but I do know that despite having been accused of being an MN "cool wife", I'd certainly feel as unnerved as you do in this situation OP - particularly by the fact he hasn't mentioned it. My DH came home recently with a mini bouquet from a wanky city florist and a lovely card from a young woman who was leaving his team - the first thing he did was show me the card and marvel that she had the time and energy to write everyone a unique message about how they'd helped her. I'd be looking or that level of transparency to be comfortable with the potential intimacy of a gift like the pone your DH appears to have been given.

You've had good advice about hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, including being calm and asking for him to show you the evidence that there's nothing to hide. I'd rather have my DH read my messages than think I was hiding infidelity or an emotional affair, because I value my marriage, and I think it's reasonable for you to expect the same.

The fact that it’s shoved on the shelf rather than secreted away suggests that he’s not bothered by it. But this other woman is definitely overstepping whether or not he is encouraging her. Good luck OP.

I think the fact you fancied reading it points to how she might be similar to you in some ways, and that that might be what your DH likes in her (if he does).

I think these situations are very nuanced. But also it doesn’t seem like that much of an important friendship and you should feel comfortable telling him to tone it down.

I have one male friend, who I definitely don’t fancy and doesn’t fancy me (but is attention seeking), who is very oversteppy. The easiest thing would just be to leave him to it— sending me books he thinks I’ll like, whatsapping me videos of things he thinks I’ll like all the time etc. I’m trying to get him to tone it down as I’ve got a new relationship with someone I love, and I don’t want him making my new DP uncomfortable. But I mention this to say it’s taking me effort to do so and so your husband may just be taking path of least resistance.

It's like he put it there knowing he's getting away with it.

What's what quote from P&P ? Poetry is the food of love.

That is a VERY intimate gift. There's definitely something going on. I'd snoop before I told him so he won't gaslight you.

Also the fact that he told you you liked said poet...she thought it was like a joke and bought him the book... and he never mentioned it ???.....

I would hide the whole thing and make him ask me about it.

Is he travelling with Her now?

… after an initial distance he imposed, they have gone back to seeing each other socially relatively regularly.

After H’s hurtful behavior at Christmas [when he breached your trust and kept a significant secret] and previously [when they were building a connection of shared fun], he expressed great remorse and told you ‘he wouldn't hang out with her as much’. However, it sounds like when the dust settled he broke your agreement and resumed their regular social contact [seizing the now?]. @poetryslam, that is telling, as he is prioritizing the validation gained from their interaction over respect for you and your feelings/boundaries.

In addition to the resumption of their social activities, have they also been running together?

Her intimate gift of poetry celebrating him, including their photo plus the card of his favorite artist from his favorite venue, is way out of line. It is a continuation of the inappropriate dynamic evidenced by the Christmas lights outing. I’m wondering if he realizes that their photo is in the book, but even if not, her deeply personal gift was an emotional investment and his accepting it and not mentioning it is another violation of your trust.

From their nights out during your first pregnancy to the present, there is a recurring pattern of mutual gratification and porous boundaries at your expense, and that must be discussed.

I agree with all of this. People are too quick with the "OMG this is awful" comments. Which I don't think are helpful. It's a book, on a shelf people!

How are you op? Is your DH back?
I hope your chat helps you to get to the bottom of it.

@SpendingTooMuchTimeHere I'm okay thanks for asking. Still overthinking and I will be in my own head until I speak to him. He's back tomorrow so I'm looking forward to the relief of stopping the racing thoughts.