FWB more interesting in the B than the F

[SoopriseSooprise]

I've been in a FWB type arrangement with the same guy for over 5 years. Known him as a friend for a bit longer than that beforehand.

We were never mad close texting everyday type friends, but he knows a lot of stuff about me that very few others do, and vice versa.

I've noticed in the past couple of months that he seems to be pulling away from the friendship side of things, and only seems to be interested in the benefits.

E.g. we've gone from meeting at least once a week to meeting about twice a month, and always on his terms.

He's stopped texting me socially and I now only hear from him when he wants to arrange our next meet up.

He no longer stays and chats after the deed. I usually get a "really sorry but I've got to go", or he just starts getting dressed again as soon as he's finished.

Don't get me wrong. The relationship is casual, and that's exactly how I like it, but it's just starting to come off a bit selfish.

He came round on Tuesday and afterwards we made arrangements that he would come back last night and spend the night. Didn't hear anything at all from him all day until 8pm when he cancelled on me. It was a closed-off message which invited no conversation - "Sorry not going to be able to come round tonight, need to be in work early tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening".

I won't hear from him again now until the next time he wants his dick sucked. Sorry for being crude, but thats what it feels like. He got what he wanted on the Tuesday, so I was already expecting him to cancel last night.

Don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose I just wanted to vent, and ask what should I do now? Do I raise it with him or do I just accept this situation is becoming a bit too one-sided than I would like, and call time on it?

He's stopped texting me socially and I now only hear from him when he wants to arrange our next meet up.
He no longer stays and chats after the deed. I usually get a "really sorry but I've got to go", or he just starts getting dressed again as soon as he's finished.

He came round on Tuesday and afterwards we made arrangements that he would come back last night and spend the night. Didn't hear anything at all from him all day until 8pm when he cancelled on me. It was a closed-off message which invited no conversation - "Sorry not going to be able to come round tonight, need to be in work early tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening".

A not very good “friend”

having personal issues doesn’t give you the right to treat someone like a prostitute giving out freebies

I presume a FWB is the same as a fuck buddy. Booty call sounds like a one off or occasional thing.

FWB and FB are two very different things to me.

FWB includes the friends part. It's having a drink or food and chatting as well as having sex (different from a relationship as no meeting the family, planning a future together or the likes)

FB is just meeting for sex

FWB includes the friends part. It's having a drink or food and chatting as well as having sex (different from a relationship as no meeting the family, planning a future together or the likes)

Isn’t that casually dating?

Yeah they started out as two very different concepts. But over time I think terms do tend to get muddled. The point with FWB was that you were properly friendly, liked each other and hanging out together, and you would add sex into the mix with no further strings attached. So more than fuck buddies - the term itself and its rather crude language implies lack of intimacy and respect.

So more than fuck buddies - the term itself and its rather crude language implies lack of intimacy and respect.

which the OP’s FWB has become

This is my understanding of it as well. It's amazing how terminology has developed over the years.

for the last three months it hasn’t even been a FB either

because he hasn’t been a friend

He has been someone who has treated you like a free prostitute

It sounds like that you are more attached to him tha n he is to you. He sees you as a booty call which is fine but as you’re not after that, you need to take control for your own mental health.
I suspect that there are other women that he’s more interested in so he’s not bothered about the friends but any more.
It’s run its course as you’ve both changed.

In all honesty, as other posters have said, you are too invested. You are analysing what might be going on in his life etc, it does sound it's a tad bit more than just causal to you, even if technically it is not. He probably feels the situationship has run its course, maybe he now wants to seek a relationship, and indeed got interested in someone else, hence the friendship part has died out. I don't think you can achieve much by talking about it with him, you are not going to beg him for a 15 min after sex chat, are you? Maybe it is time to reevaluate this FWB and get out before it becomes too uncomfortable.

No. Dating has an intention, or potential intention, to be a full on relationship.

FWB is friends who happen to shag sometimes

But you’re talking another people like robots

I dated in my twenties, no intention for being serious, just having fun. We were dating.
And then I met my now husband, I thought the same…. Just having fun. But then I fell head over heels in love and all that went out the window

This is my understanding of it as well. It's amazing how terminology has developed over the years.

It certainly is.

And of course in reality in your situation it doesn't matter what label is on it. It's been one thing that you were both happy with for a long time and he's took it upon himself to change it so you were right to speak to him.

But you’re talking another people like robots

I dated in my twenties, no intention for being serious, just having fun. We were dating.
And then I met my now husband, I thought the same…. Just having fun. But then I fell head over heels in love and all that went out the window

Or I just have a different opinion to you...

To me FWB is an active decision to have sex with a friend that you have zero intention of having anything further with. Nothing robotic at all.

He's a FWB but you're expecting him to behave like a boyfriend.

This isn't working for you so just end it.

Personally when it comes to feelings, it is difficult to have “zero intention” of not developing stronger feelings for someone as they reveal more to you and you like what they reveal.

but as you say, each to their own

either way the opposite isn’t in a FWB or FB. Unpaid prostitution with way he’s been behaving

Can prostitution be unpaid?

You can day he's a user, but that doesn't constitute prostitution. That's quite dramatic for what is going on here.

A series of freebies? He rocks up, shags, quickly dresses and leave.

Only difference is no money left on the side.

Personal issues doesn’t permit you to treat someone like an unpaid sex worker

Exactly! Each taking, neither paying in cash or kind. Just a user who's hurting the OP's feelings - no prostitution.

You're right - his change in behaviour is rather shitty.

In principle, I don't agree with hierarchical behaviour or social power play stuff.

I'm quite content in myself without having to feel I've got men at my "beck and call" or having to create situations to show that I'm some socially desirable type.

However, as I've got older I've learned we are all part of whether we like it or not! So you have to play the game.

If you're seen as too "easy" to deal with (whether work or dates or sex or friendships) some see it as confirmation that you're a low value. Or a bit of a people pleaser. And then start treating you badly.

You're then essentially caricatured as the reliable type they can do anything to.

Being always available, not showing negative emotions or anger, not being a bit demanding, paying for stuff....this tends to keep users in your life.

I think accepting a situation where one agrees to weekly meets where you're hosting for sex....However you might internally think you're in control of the situation and it suits you, this does project low value vibes.

happen to shag sometimes…

but OP was meeting up at least once a week to shag. For 5 years. It’s no wonder she’s fallen for him! How is that not a relationship?! But now he’s doing a slow fade. Not nice (no matter his excuse)

but OP was meeting up at least once a week to shag. For 5 years. It’s no wonder she’s fallen for him! How is that not a relationship?! But now he’s doing a slow fade. Not nice (no matter his excuse)

She hasn't fallen for him. (And I'll take her word for that over a few adamant MN folks that think they know her better than herself)

Ha ha… true that’s what she’s said. But I guess having been treated in a similar way myself a few years ago, it was when he slow faded then it ended that I had to confront the feelings I did have. Up until then I didn’t at all.

I suspect OP is starting to have to confront feelings she has buried deep down after her ex treated her badly.

Whereas also having been in a similar situation I was pissed off that someone I'd known for years behaved poorly rather than maturely saying "this doesn't work anymore" so I'm inclined to think she knows herself better than anyone else