FWB more interesting in the B than the F

[SoopriseSooprise]

I've been in a FWB type arrangement with the same guy for over 5 years. Known him as a friend for a bit longer than that beforehand.

We were never mad close texting everyday type friends, but he knows a lot of stuff about me that very few others do, and vice versa.

I've noticed in the past couple of months that he seems to be pulling away from the friendship side of things, and only seems to be interested in the benefits.

E.g. we've gone from meeting at least once a week to meeting about twice a month, and always on his terms.

He's stopped texting me socially and I now only hear from him when he wants to arrange our next meet up.

He no longer stays and chats after the deed. I usually get a "really sorry but I've got to go", or he just starts getting dressed again as soon as he's finished.

Don't get me wrong. The relationship is casual, and that's exactly how I like it, but it's just starting to come off a bit selfish.

He came round on Tuesday and afterwards we made arrangements that he would come back last night and spend the night. Didn't hear anything at all from him all day until 8pm when he cancelled on me. It was a closed-off message which invited no conversation - "Sorry not going to be able to come round tonight, need to be in work early tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening".

I won't hear from him again now until the next time he wants his dick sucked. Sorry for being crude, but thats what it feels like. He got what he wanted on the Tuesday, so I was already expecting him to cancel last night.

Don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose I just wanted to vent, and ask what should I do now? Do I raise it with him or do I just accept this situation is becoming a bit too one-sided than I would like, and call time on it?

OP, it sounds like you became very comfortable with this "FWB" arrangement, to the detriment of your own love life.

It’s likely he’s met someone but is keeping you on the sidelines.

Agree that he's seeing someone else girl, sorry 😞

End things and explain that you're pissed at how he's treated you. If he's seeing someone, he could've come right out and said instead of being harsh.

I do wonder though, if he's not seeing anyone, if you've upset him? Not blaming you, just wondering if that could be it? xx

Walk away. He's changed things and it doesn't suit you.

Just because it was a FWB and he's now decided he just wants it to be FB doesn't mean he gets to change it without your agreement.

Manners should still be involved in any situation and that he's changing the goalposts without any discussion, or consideration, shows it's time to throw him back.

Turn the tables, take the benefits out of it and just be friends and see how it goes. Hopefully if nothing more you might stay friends in the future

He’s putting his time and energy into someone else.

But still for the sake of easy sex, comes to you. 5 years is a long time for this kind of thing, so it’s only normal to meet people and move on. I think it’s time to call it a day.

I am curious. Is the sex really satisfying for you every time?

I’d guess he has somebody else who he wants something more serious with and so is feeling guilty about spending time with you, he’s managed to drop you as a friend but can’t quite drop you as a shag yet. He’s trying to keep his options open in case things don’t work out with his new love interest by keeping his foot in the door but is avoiding seeing you too often so his interest doesn’t find out about you and in case he needs to drop you completely further down the line.

He’s changed it from FWB to fuck buddies. You either finish it. Talk about it or put up with it

It could be that there isn't anyone else but..

You let him make no/very low effort and still see him anyway so he doesn’t see any need to bother with the friend side.
He asks and you leave work early for him. You’re allowing him to be selfish.

FWB can range from 'we are actually friends too' to 'we just meet up for sex' just for reference for anyone on this thread who has only ever done or heard of it one way and therefore thinks that's the only way it's ever done and anything else is wrong....

I think you just need to ask him outright - he might not really realise he's doing it, OR due to your friend relationship thinks that you won't mind if he's having a few 'off' months. You clearly like this guy enough to both be friends and have sex with him, so I wouldn't presume he's knowingly making you feel shit. Talk to him! Ask if the arrangement is still working as if he's looking for something with less 'friend' around it that won't work for you.
Friendships do change over time for a myriad of reasons, this one is just more complex because of the sex element.
Also, to my point at the start of the post, a lot of FWB relationships are more like what's currently happening, so he may think it's alright to transition that way - he should be communicating with you about it, but maybe he thinks he doesn't have to? Again, I've had FWB relationships that have changed over time and they havnt needed a 'conversation' but i had one where we absolutely would have had a chat if things changed. We are all different and all situations are different, if you do need one then that's totally fine, just talk to him, but again I wouldn't assume this is coming from a place of deliberate 'she's just a shag' it could just be that he doesn't realise because his experiences are different to yours. Hope this is making sense.

I was thinking about making myself "less available" to him, and see how he reacts. But we're both grown adults so perhaps I should just ask him what's going on.

Also meeting up with someone in a weekly basis, sharing time both in and out of bed with them and looking forward to seeing them is a relationship. And this has gone on for 5years.

Of course you’re going to feel gutted that it’s now starting to slide because you’re friend has moved on but surely you can see this had become more than a FWB.

Go out and find someone else who wants to spend time with you on whatever scale you like but just be up front with the amount of time that is

FWB to me is someone you meet up with once a month type thing to have a quick drink/food laugh and sex and then see you next time, not using energy to keep it going weekly and being in and out of each other’s lives so frequently

I know he's having issues at the moment with his elderly parents. And he suffered the death of a close family member back in December. Maybe he's still trying to process everything.

These types of arrangements only work if both parties are totally honest, dont play games or match his energy, use your words and talk to him. You can be clear that you aren't wanting more commitment from him but that you are wanting the aftercare/friendship you've had for 5yrs now and it's not unreasonable to question why he's changed the goalposts

Or he’s met someone else.

Whatever the reason is, it doesn’t give him the right to treat you with disrespect.

Gosh this person wasn’t a FWB but a casual relationship that went on for too long and stole 5 years of your dating life.

OP you’re getting a bit swept up here. It’s a FWB, sorry to be blunt but it means nothing. It works until it doesn’t, and it’s not working anymore. There’s no ‘I’m going to be less available to him’ or musing on what’s going on in his life. You are just sex to him, he is supposed to be just sex to you.

I don’t even know why you’ve been compromising and calling off work early for him 😬. Cut your losses now before your feelings become too much.

You should be less available if you’re starting to dislike the set up but you should also be able to speak to him.

I also had a long term FWB and thought it was a great set up until things changed and I realised it had stopped me from letting anyone else get to know me.

He's either struggling mentally and had little leftover bandwidth for friendship or he's met someone else and is spending his emotional budget on her.

But all this kind of wondering and trying to understand and wanting to have a chat to sort things, is relationship realm, not FWB realm.

I think after 5 years you’ve got too attached, to your own detriment. Cut it off now, go and live your life.

You’re too invested in what is just a fuck buddy.
I suspect you want more, but he doesn’t.

I'm not sure how you can expect "after care" when you're just fuck buddies.
I agree that you should make yourself less available, but I also agree with previous posters that there is someone else involved. He's still up for getting his "dick sucked" because, what man isnt when it's on a plate for him?!
You sound like you expect more from this arrangement than he is giving and after 5 years, it's only natural to have feelings for someone but if it doesn't serve you the way you want it to, then end it.

We crossed posts! But yeah, agreed!

I bet your boss would be delighted to know you're leaving work early to service your fuck buddy! Why would you even do that?!

As others have said, it sounds like you're looking for something more from him and he has found that elsewhere and is slowly distancing himself from you.