FWB more interesting in the B than the F

[SoopriseSooprise]

I've been in a FWB type arrangement with the same guy for over 5 years. Known him as a friend for a bit longer than that beforehand.

We were never mad close texting everyday type friends, but he knows a lot of stuff about me that very few others do, and vice versa.

I've noticed in the past couple of months that he seems to be pulling away from the friendship side of things, and only seems to be interested in the benefits.

E.g. we've gone from meeting at least once a week to meeting about twice a month, and always on his terms.

He's stopped texting me socially and I now only hear from him when he wants to arrange our next meet up.

He no longer stays and chats after the deed. I usually get a "really sorry but I've got to go", or he just starts getting dressed again as soon as he's finished.

Don't get me wrong. The relationship is casual, and that's exactly how I like it, but it's just starting to come off a bit selfish.

He came round on Tuesday and afterwards we made arrangements that he would come back last night and spend the night. Didn't hear anything at all from him all day until 8pm when he cancelled on me. It was a closed-off message which invited no conversation - "Sorry not going to be able to come round tonight, need to be in work early tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening".

I won't hear from him again now until the next time he wants his dick sucked. Sorry for being crude, but thats what it feels like. He got what he wanted on the Tuesday, so I was already expecting him to cancel last night.

Don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose I just wanted to vent, and ask what should I do now? Do I raise it with him or do I just accept this situation is becoming a bit too one-sided than I would like, and call time on it?

So you lead a very full life
lots of social interaction
lots of friends
very happy

so why care if one chap has got bored of talking with you? Seriously, doesn’t make sense

Of course you can do those things in a relationship!!

Ha. True. Elderly parents and death not really sexy post-coital chat

Thank you. It was extremely difficult for me mentally and financially, which is probably why I'm guarding my mental health, time, and resources like a rabid dog.

I wonder whether your life is how you portray it OP

Because hanging around for 3plus months for a drop to drop in, f^ck you, and then leave… would indicate that maybe you aren’t very happy

It sounds to me that your FWB is seeing you as a booty call. He's clearly not interested in socialising with you, only messages when he wants to meet for sex and has no interest in actually having a conversation with you. There's not really a friendship here. The change in situation doesn't seem to be working for you, therefore perhaps it's time to call it quits on the arrangement. You might want casual, but it seems that you do want a relationship - as in perhaps going out socially, talking etc, not just purely him turning up for sex and buggering off again! I can't answer why this has changed for him - may be there's someone else on the scene, that he prefers socially but still enjoys the sex with you. No one on MN can answer that for you, only he can.

OP today…. Could you not have spent today with one of your friends? Weren’t you working in the job you love?

but no… the entire day thinking and discussing him.

Because we've known each other for a very long time, and if there's something going on with him I'd like to be able to help if I can?

Pretty much the same as if one of my girl friends suddenly went cold on me.

Friends with benefits shouldn’t create enough head space for you to need to vent.

You want more from a relationship and that’s ok.

I booked the day off so I could visit my brother before he left for a long stint at work. I've treated myself to a manicure, ran some errands, pottered about in the garden, done some shopping.

I haven't spent the entire day under my bedcovers pining for him

You’ve managed to do all that and spent the day with your brother and mumsnet all day too? Wow

I wonder if your brother wondered what you were doing on your phone!

Ok so I have to go but… you’re going to have a chat with him next time he drops by for a shag? Hope it brings whatever you want from it

A little call in after work, no communication but for arrangement details, it ain't friendship.

Friendship has more respect rooted around it, you sound more like a secret.

Anyway, I think as other pp's that he's found another interest but not necessarily a new relationship. Maybe just another FWB which could be a long stander and he needs to put in a bit more effort into it.

Op do you know if he had other FWBs apart from you?, did he date others, did he discuss other women with you as in him trying to find a 'proper' relationship.
Was he married ?

I think for you this was a relationship, the crumbs from someone you fancied the pants off, even to the point whereby you wanted no other.

Do you love him ?

Dump him op, you're now on the lowest rung of the ladder.

I'd send a short dull, neutral message saying you're focussing on yourself or something has come up and then either don't reply or block him. Don't discuss the sex or his behaviour.

Don't agree to meet again, ever. He may try to breadcrumb you, or offer more, just don't reply or send a thumbs up a day later.

You shouldn't have to beg someone to be polite.

In general I think people (women) can let situations like this linger as they're looking for closure or some sort of resolution, especially if you feel the person is detaching? It doesn't mean you're in love with him or needy. Its the same as a platonic friend detaching.

You've had good memories, not working for you now. BIN.

It really shouldn't be hard at all to find a replacement. Keep glowing up and get back on apps. The summer is still young.

Sounds like this has slipped from FWB to FBs.

Have you tried to tell him and if not maybe you should? I get your are not in a 'relationship' but if your comfortable enough to let him see you naked you should at least be able to have a conversation. I think you should be the one to reach out and maybe invite him out for lunch or a coffee so he is not just expecting to come over for sex. Make it clear you are happy with the arrangement but ask if he is ok and maybe you could meet up more as friends but sex is still on the table. In short say you want a FwB, not a f* buddy.

If you like him enough to care when he suddenly seems to go cold on you, and you have satisfying and enjoyable sex with him, I just can’t see how you’re not emotionally invested in him?

I do agree with other pps and @clickjaw you have slipped into overinvesting in this guy and your weekly meets?

Is he a lot more attractive/high status than the kind of guy who asks you on serious dates? Did he ever suggest a drink or a coffee or a non-sex date?

Did you take a break or turn him down if you were planning to go on a date with someone else? Leaving work early ....that sounded like you were scared that he would go and find someone else if you said no. Did you ever say you were too busy/not up for it?

5 years is a long long time..and you're calling him a long term friend but you don't feel comfortable asking honestly what's happening?

if you'd gone on one new date every month from apps and committed to going into a new mixed social group/hobby every 2 months, you'd definitely have dropped him by now or he'd have diminished in importance.

1 meet a week takes up social bandwidth, especially if you're working full time.

Not necessarily seeking a full on relationship but you would have been more open to new male friends and social opportunities. It sounds like he's kept his life moving over 5 years and you haven't.

I personally love a garden and a National Trust place and my own company so I know where you're coming from, but I think you've relied on him as your sole male energy.

I assume he's fairly attractive with good chat so maybe it was hard to take your dates seriously, especially if you knew he was coming over that week.

Update. I spoke to him tonight about how I was feeling.

He apologised profusely for making me feel that way. He said he was aware that he was pulling back from the friendship side of things, but it wasn't intentional. He is still suffering hugely with the loss of his family member, his parents are really unwell, his daughter is struggling mentally, and he's very close to burn-out at work.

We've arranged to meet up for coffee and to have a chat next week.

I'm sure I'll still get messages telling me he's lying to me, he's only saying that because he's worried he won't get his leg over anymore, I'm delusional, I'm secretly in love with him. But that's the latest, and the air has been cleared a bit.

Why post if you don’t like people’s responses?

I appreciate peoples responses. What I don't appreciate are posters who try to invent scenarios which don't exist.

I've seen it time and time again on here, including on some of my previous threads.

‘’I’ve noticed that things aren’t the same between us anymore. You used to stay and catch up after sex but you’re a bit distant recently and to be honest I’m a bit disappointed as I used to enjoy our friendship. Is everything okay?’’ Then take it from there. I reckon he’s got feelings for somebody else, or perhaps it’s even you and he is trying to stay more emotionally distant but can’t give up the sex/ doesn’t want to completely break it off without explanation. Who knows!? Ask him.

Edit: I see you have your explanation 😊

Don’t post then.

It’s your life and your standards.

He means too much to you to be FWB. You're going to get your heart broken.....

I agree. Why not open up about your feelings too when you go for coffee. And maybe becoming a couple? Realistically nothing would change other than you having that reassurance. You don’t need to ever live together!

Stop the arrangement
You want a relationship , he doesn't.

You're appearing needy , he can sense it , has backed off.