FWB more interesting in the B than the F

[SoopriseSooprise]

I've been in a FWB type arrangement with the same guy for over 5 years. Known him as a friend for a bit longer than that beforehand.

We were never mad close texting everyday type friends, but he knows a lot of stuff about me that very few others do, and vice versa.

I've noticed in the past couple of months that he seems to be pulling away from the friendship side of things, and only seems to be interested in the benefits.

E.g. we've gone from meeting at least once a week to meeting about twice a month, and always on his terms.

He's stopped texting me socially and I now only hear from him when he wants to arrange our next meet up.

He no longer stays and chats after the deed. I usually get a "really sorry but I've got to go", or he just starts getting dressed again as soon as he's finished.

Don't get me wrong. The relationship is casual, and that's exactly how I like it, but it's just starting to come off a bit selfish.

He came round on Tuesday and afterwards we made arrangements that he would come back last night and spend the night. Didn't hear anything at all from him all day until 8pm when he cancelled on me. It was a closed-off message which invited no conversation - "Sorry not going to be able to come round tonight, need to be in work early tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening".

I won't hear from him again now until the next time he wants his dick sucked. Sorry for being crude, but thats what it feels like. He got what he wanted on the Tuesday, so I was already expecting him to cancel last night.

Don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose I just wanted to vent, and ask what should I do now? Do I raise it with him or do I just accept this situation is becoming a bit too one-sided than I would like, and call time on it?

@SoopriseSooprise people who get the FWB thing will get it. Others really won't.

If it works out with him, great! If not I think you'll be fine.

Thank you. I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit here

Well that's ok then, but I thought you'd be more understanding of the time constaints these men have, maybe that why he's just pulled up his trews and got off quick directly after sex.

I honestly don't think you know the type of guy you've been dealing with here, they present as lovely and they keep you in your little safe world in your own home, away from reality.

As soon as he steps out of your door he doesn't think of you one bit, he doesn't think friendship, care or anything else.

They don't give a shit.

This.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of your arrangement. It worked for you. His changes didn't and you've spoken with him. It'll either change back to something you're happy with or it won't.

Nothing you've said remotely suggests you're sat pining for him and secretly hoping for a love declaration!

I honestly don't believe anyone who says they don't want to feel wanted in some way.

It is human nature to want respect.

For someone to remain with another for five years suggests this man is quite valuble to you in some way.

You are accepting crumbs even for a FWB situation.
That's got to make you feel lousy.

I also think it’s telling he instigated 9 times out of 10. And even when she wanted more (he decreased the frequency) she still didn’t feel able to instigate. Instead waiting for him to want his dick sucking and message her. It reflects a disparity in investment in their situation that she is obviously aware of

There are multiple reasons why I let him do the instigating. He travels a lot for work, I don't. He has kids, I don't.

Again, I've been absolutely fine with the status quo for 5 years

If you think you’re not more invested…

Do you think he’s also on a forum right now making threads about you?

That doesn't have anything to do with anything. In fact you're working on the assumption that the male gaze sets the agenda. No. OP is capable of setting her own agenda. If she was happy with the status quo then whether or not he was more or less invested (or in fact comparably invested) is neither here nor there.

When the next meet up is arranged, I'd cancel last minute. Then take it from there, if I felt like it wasn't working then I'd just tell him I wasn't feeling it any more.

Men don't like confrontation, he's hoping you will be the one to call it a day.

This.

He's replaced you.

i third

Can you talk about this with your friends in RL op? As one would if it wasn’t a FWB (or no “F” as in this case) scenario?

or is the arrangement very much hush hush?

Op this is the time that you need to call the shots.

I've had a slight FB situation and it only worked for me because I was the person who institigated it 100%. That's because I'm far too easy to develop false feelings so instead I would keep long gaps.

So, if you don't want to develop anything (bear in mind there's a possibility that he has fallen for you and is distancing but unlikely as men tend to make it known but I don't doubt he is probably fond of you), how do you now want to deal with this? Do you want to extract yourself? Have a conversation about ending it?

The thing I can tell you is that unless you make a final decision you can end up as the as and when person. I've been there and it's incredibly annoying as you get messaged when it's not convenient for you. Full disclose I had three FWBs at one time (due to not seeing any of them that often). I kept two on (not the one who I had been most involved with who I 100% messaged) and I swear they must have some kind of sixth sense or psychic connection as I don't hear for ages then they both message on literally the same day. And I've not replied for months and they still do it.

Agree men don't like confrontation. They also hate being 'dumped'.

If you do want to end it, I'd think about 'doing it with grace I.e. with kindness. Never takes the drop fully away but it does make it easier to take. Though expect an outpour of feeling that you have to ignore.

Or do the slow fade back. Longer gaps, shorter replies, less availability, generalised ' really busy atm'.

Surely if you’re arranging to meet for a coffee to have a chat about the situation… it all kind of undermines the very crux of the arrangement. No strings attached fun.

He's a hard dog to keep on the porch

Well that's one I've not heard before.

The OP’s previous relationship obviously left her quite scarred to be happy with this kind of set up for 5 years.

and being treated like a drop in sex worker once and then allowing it to continue for more than 3 months before finally raising it is telling.

I hope the coffee chat goes well op, but if I had to say - I would reckon he’ll cancel or suggest instead that he come around to yours and you have a chat after a shag

Well you could always say no?

Find another FWB quick and move on. He's treating you like crap and he doesn't deserve the energy you're expending on him.
Just my pennies worth...

Why on earth did you message me asking for advice about finding a FWB?! And no I’ve not had ‘a few’!

Report!!

but please screenshot so we can have a chuckle too!

That gif is sort of how I interpret your response to this situation Op!