FWB more interesting in the B than the F

[SoopriseSooprise]

I've been in a FWB type arrangement with the same guy for over 5 years. Known him as a friend for a bit longer than that beforehand.

We were never mad close texting everyday type friends, but he knows a lot of stuff about me that very few others do, and vice versa.

I've noticed in the past couple of months that he seems to be pulling away from the friendship side of things, and only seems to be interested in the benefits.

E.g. we've gone from meeting at least once a week to meeting about twice a month, and always on his terms.

He's stopped texting me socially and I now only hear from him when he wants to arrange our next meet up.

He no longer stays and chats after the deed. I usually get a "really sorry but I've got to go", or he just starts getting dressed again as soon as he's finished.

Don't get me wrong. The relationship is casual, and that's exactly how I like it, but it's just starting to come off a bit selfish.

He came round on Tuesday and afterwards we made arrangements that he would come back last night and spend the night. Didn't hear anything at all from him all day until 8pm when he cancelled on me. It was a closed-off message which invited no conversation - "Sorry not going to be able to come round tonight, need to be in work early tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening".

I won't hear from him again now until the next time he wants his dick sucked. Sorry for being crude, but thats what it feels like. He got what he wanted on the Tuesday, so I was already expecting him to cancel last night.

Don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose I just wanted to vent, and ask what should I do now? Do I raise it with him or do I just accept this situation is becoming a bit too one-sided than I would like, and call time on it?

It’s good you’ve spoken but despite all of those excuses he was still up for sex when it suited him.

Oh boy. We may be totally off here and we are only strangers reading your reports from a distance but it does seem you have feelings for him and are in denial about it. If that’s true, and of course it may not be, best to be honest with yourself so you don’t get hurt. You seem to want love but are afraid of it and are holding on to him in a way that you think you won’t get hurt but actually, by not letting him in all the way but only halfway you may get so much more hurt. To me it seems you’re running this arrangement out of a place of fear and past hurt and the unresolved issues are bound to cause problems down the line. Maybe I’m misreading totally. You do seem very defensive but you might also be right.

We've arranged to meet up for coffee and to have a chat next week.

I bet this doesn’t happen Op.
And I hope you are able to just shrug it off

@SoopriseSooprise I also think he's met someone else. I think FWB only works if there is 100% no chance of it going somewhere ie a loser or completely different circumstances. I think if they are decent, then I'd wonder why not me for the longer haul, why am I just sex. I suspect he's met someone else who he wants to know better, and eventually you'll get dropped if that goes further. Currently I think you're there just to scratch an itch.

I'll be honest, there was a time years ago where I thought to myself "I could genuinely develop feelings for this man". But I was in a really bad place mentally and I'm 100% certain (in hindsight), that I would have just been latching onto him for stability- that the feelings weren't real iyswim. I'm in a much better place now - the happiest I've ever been.

In reality, we would make a terrible couple our personalities, music taste, likes, dislikes, are complete opposte. It's a wonder our friendship even developed, let alone anything else.

This arrangement also does come with a natural expiry date because I'm going to be moving soon for my job. In the meantime, it's just a pleasant distraction from the day to day

Op if I were you, I’d hide this thread, give no further thought to this chap who has been dropping by for a shag until next week, and see if he follows up that coffee date. If he doesn’t, shrug it off and move on

I am curious about fact that his inner turmoil involving bereavement and other such personal issues… didn’t stop him strolling by by for a quick shag

I'm not going to repeat our conversation verbatim, but I believe what he told me is genuine.

It was him who suggested the meet up next week so if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. 🤷‍♀️

Keep us updated!

And if it doesn't happen, you will be cheesed off.

And cheesed off again when he behaves the same way you described in your op.

I don't really see how, if you're not in a committed relationship, it's reasonable to expect him to behave in the way you want.

I think FWB situations always descend inti lack of respect and even eventually contempt. And this one looks like it's firmly on the path to disrespect.

I wonder if he pops around for a shag before the coffee date next week. Was a date actually proposed?

wil l that be the first time in 5 years you’ve ever had a chat not in the bedroom?

No, far from it.

This keeps getting weirder

so you’ve been out on dates before? What kind of places? Met his friends? He met yours?

There's nothing weird about it. As I said upthread, we were friends for many years before the sex even started.

I wouldn't be cheesed off because it was him who asked for this meeting, not me.

He has apologised for the detached way he's been treating me recently. If he does it again, then the situation will come to an end.

E.g. we've gone from meeting at least once a week to meeting about twice a month, and always on his terms.

So the once a week meets were sometimes coffee dates rather than a shag?

do you ever socialise with him and his friends or vice versa?

Ok OP, hope you manage to focus on something else before whenever this coffee chat is!

all the best

I guess its quite a fine line here that is easy to cross. You are fine with it being casual, but theres been a few times now where you felt kinda used and disrespected
You need to maybe both reevaluate where you are with this. Maybe call it a day before you end up losing the friendship too

It sounds positive @SoopriseSooprise! As I said, I do think he deserves some leeway with everything else going on and tbf to him he said all the right things, which a lot of men wouldn't even bother to do if they really weren't into you anymore. So far so good, let's hope he meant it and does all the right things too. I hope it goes your way!

I think it sounds positive op.

I personally would be terrible at a fwb situation and would absolutely catch feels or blur the lines so perhaps the posters who are questioning you feel similarly and are attaching that to you.

It sounds like you've been fair but direct and what happens next is up to him in terms of how he acts going forwards, but ultimately its in your court as you can then enforce your own boundaries which it sounds like you're quite clear on.

Hopefully this resolves in a way where you come out of it all feeling positive.

Yes, but a friend you have sex with is also what your boyfriend is. Friends with benefits suggests someone who is just for sex and not a close emotional relationship.

I'd say the difference is the mutually exclusive status of the relationship.

I'd say there's:

Booty call - not friends just sex.

Fwb - friends who have casual sex but no interest in ab exclusive relationship

Boyfriend/girlfriend- mutually exclusive relationship, not seeing anyone else, dating with a purpose of developing the relationship long term.

There are lots of ‘exclusive’ FWB though

But you can have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that is not exclusive, either with or without the other person's knowledge.

I presume a FWB is the same as a fuck buddy. Booty call sounds like a one off or occasional thing.