FWB more interesting in the B than the F

[SoopriseSooprise]

I've been in a FWB type arrangement with the same guy for over 5 years. Known him as a friend for a bit longer than that beforehand.

We were never mad close texting everyday type friends, but he knows a lot of stuff about me that very few others do, and vice versa.

I've noticed in the past couple of months that he seems to be pulling away from the friendship side of things, and only seems to be interested in the benefits.

E.g. we've gone from meeting at least once a week to meeting about twice a month, and always on his terms.

He's stopped texting me socially and I now only hear from him when he wants to arrange our next meet up.

He no longer stays and chats after the deed. I usually get a "really sorry but I've got to go", or he just starts getting dressed again as soon as he's finished.

Don't get me wrong. The relationship is casual, and that's exactly how I like it, but it's just starting to come off a bit selfish.

He came round on Tuesday and afterwards we made arrangements that he would come back last night and spend the night. Didn't hear anything at all from him all day until 8pm when he cancelled on me. It was a closed-off message which invited no conversation - "Sorry not going to be able to come round tonight, need to be in work early tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening".

I won't hear from him again now until the next time he wants his dick sucked. Sorry for being crude, but thats what it feels like. He got what he wanted on the Tuesday, so I was already expecting him to cancel last night.

Don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose I just wanted to vent, and ask what should I do now? Do I raise it with him or do I just accept this situation is becoming a bit too one-sided than I would like, and call time on it?

What else do you have going on in life aside from him op? Work? Enjoy work? Family? Friends? Socialise? Kids?

There’s someone else. A few of us have said it a few times already. Someone else is filling his quota of girl banter and he’s letting you down slowly by backing off, while he secures things there.

Could be either of those reasons, or he could be stressed out with work, his kids, his parents, still struggling with the passing of his family member. I won't know until I ask him.

Nailed it

A full-on busy job which I very much enjoy. Friends. Family. Elderly dog. I'm certainly not sitting at home pining for a text from him

And if it is Op, he doesn’t want to talk about it with you.

I think that your life revolves around this drop ins from him Op. use this as an opportunity to spread your wings and find other ways to enjoy life

What do you do for fun?

how old are you?

Socialise with friends and family. Read. Write. Gardening. Visiting national trust places. Go on holidays, and UK trips with friends.

Mid-30s.

And this has been your only “love interest” for want of a better word for the last five years?

Have you been dating other men? Having sex with other men? Or all your eggs in one FWB basket?

Nope. My last relationship ended before FWB and I started our arrangement, but I've been on several dates since then. I'm not looking for a "love interest". I am very happy being single.

I think there are ways for you to ask op without having to be totally direct about it, at least in the beginning.

I'd be inclined to meet him and I'd say he's seemed a bit quieter than usual and ask him how he's doing. Depending on how the conversation goes you can then take it forward into asking if your current situation is still working for him and you could say that while you're still happy keeping things very casual, you do actually value him as a friend as well and you feel that part is drifting.

Ultimately op it's up to you to decide what you're looking for from this and then set your boundary with it and how gently or directly you do that will depend on the dynamics of the relationship but after 5 years I'd expect that you'd be able to find the right words, knowing him?

Why? You enjoy sex and you like talking.

what is it about a relationship that you don’t want? Would you like children one day?

ps I’m guessing today is a day off for you 😆?!

Thank you. That's exactly what I plan to do.

We do periodically "check in" anyway asking if this is still working for the both of us, so I'll just instigate another one of those.

He has met someone else. Even if he tells you it’s work/family. I bet if you stop offering the benefits, you’ll not hear from him again unless things go wrong with the new person.

You are emotionally attached to him, which is understandable as this has been a long term relationship. Sex and friendship comprise a relationship. This sounds like it has run its course and isn't working for you anymore. It's OK to be upset about it and grieve.

You like having regular sex with someone you have a safe and personal valued interest in. You also enjoy going on dates and presumably a bit of romance. Why don’t you pursue a real relationship? You would quite obviously like one.

I enjoy sex and I like having friends.

Having lived with a lazy, controlling, man-child for 15 years, I have no desire to have another man in my house telling me what to do or why I'm doing it.

No interest in having children.

And yes, just treated myself to a mani pedi. Another one of my "hobbies"

If you’re off today could you suggest meeting him for a drink to talk? At least it will stop you wondering.

Having a boyfriend and living with someone are two very different things ! You can have a happy relationship for years with (get this) a mature responsible man without ever moving in together if that is in fact your choice.

sounds to me like your last relationship (you must have been with precious since you were a teen?) has scarred you op

shame because sounds like you’d really enjoy a relationship where there’s sex and talking

now you have the sex and none of the talking so…. Find another FWB?

@SoopriseSooprise I’d definitely be saying something like “I appreciate everything’s really casual with us and that’s fine, but can’t help noticing you’re just upping and leaving in a way that’s feeling a bit transactional - what’s going on?”. if it transpires he’s maybe seeing someone else you might then say “ok not being a bit on the side” or he may just say, sorry I hadn’t realised but you’re right. Either way, as you said, need to ask and, I agree, it’s not very nice of him, especially as you have been friends for ages before all this.

I’m not sure I’d be up for including elderly parents in my post-coital chat with my FWB but each to their own.

Well done for leaving the man child though 💪

Yes, but I would still have an 'obligation', as it were, to a boyfriend. I couldn't just decide to go on a spur of the moment holiday abroad with my guy friends, or disappear off-grid for a week for some R&R.

I like being able to do what I want, when I want, with my only restriction being whether I've got enough annual leave left