Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FWB more interesting in the B than the F

266 replies

SoopriseSooprise · 05/06/2025 08:42

I've been in a FWB type arrangement with the same guy for over 5 years. Known him as a friend for a bit longer than that beforehand.

We were never mad close texting everyday type friends, but he knows a lot of stuff about me that very few others do, and vice versa.

I've noticed in the past couple of months that he seems to be pulling away from the friendship side of things, and only seems to be interested in the benefits.

E.g. we've gone from meeting at least once a week to meeting about twice a month, and always on his terms.

He's stopped texting me socially and I now only hear from him when he wants to arrange our next meet up.

He no longer stays and chats after the deed. I usually get a "really sorry but I've got to go", or he just starts getting dressed again as soon as he's finished.

Don't get me wrong. The relationship is casual, and that's exactly how I like it, but it's just starting to come off a bit selfish.

He came round on Tuesday and afterwards we made arrangements that he would come back last night and spend the night. Didn't hear anything at all from him all day until 8pm when he cancelled on me. It was a closed-off message which invited no conversation - "Sorry not going to be able to come round tonight, need to be in work early tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening".

I won't hear from him again now until the next time he wants his dick sucked. Sorry for being crude, but thats what it feels like. He got what he wanted on the Tuesday, so I was already expecting him to cancel last night.

Don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose I just wanted to vent, and ask what should I do now? Do I raise it with him or do I just accept this situation is becoming a bit too one-sided than I would like, and call time on it?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 05/06/2025 09:41

I think you’re the one who is expecting too much here OP, FWB is essentially what he is doing. Casual sex, no strings, done & gone, it’s not cuddles & pillow talk- those are relationship things.

Starlight1984 · 05/06/2025 09:42

SoopriseSooprise · 05/06/2025 09:18

I know he's having issues at the moment with his elderly parents. And he suffered the death of a close family member back in December. Maybe he's still trying to process everything.

Nope. He's met someone else. But it's still in the early stages so, until it is made official, he's still having sex with you whilst he is dating her.

Goditsmemargaret · 05/06/2025 09:43

OP you are deluding yourself that you're happy with this arrangement. You're not.

Any sort of relationship needs mutual respect. His cancellation with no explanation or apology tell you all you need to know. Tell him this has run it's course for you.

Tartanboots · 05/06/2025 09:48

If you're not happy with what you're getting out of it, then say you're not available the next time he asks. Downgrade him to booty call status, not a FWB. As you say, he's no longer a friend.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 09:48

Mrsttcno1 · 05/06/2025 09:41

I think you’re the one who is expecting too much here OP, FWB is essentially what he is doing. Casual sex, no strings, done & gone, it’s not cuddles & pillow talk- those are relationship things.

That's fuck buddies. fWB involves the friend side of things - as it has for the OP so far until he changed it

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 09:50

I was thinking about making myself "less available" to him, and see how he reacts. But we're both grown adults so perhaps I should just ask him what's going on

Don't play games.

Just tell him this new way of his doesn't work for you. It either needs to be as you previously were or you both move on.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 09:51

Regardless of the type of relationship it's disrespectful of him to change the boundaries without any discussion with you or consideration for you.

Even the most casual of FB set up should involve basic manners.

MissDoubleU · 05/06/2025 09:56

I’d suspect he’s in the beginnings of an actual relationship with someone else. He used to get sex and emotional communication/intimacy from you. When the latter stops it’s usually because he’s texting another woman who provides that service. He still wants to sleep with you - likely until he’s made things official. But he’s pulling back.

If you’re feeling used or that it’s all one sided I would just stop seeing him, or at least stop being available every time he wants things. He shouldn’t be able to ignore you until he’s horny then ring a bell and have you leap into his arms.

Original poster
SoopriseSooprise · 05/06/2025 09:57

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 09:51

Regardless of the type of relationship it's disrespectful of him to change the boundaries without any discussion with you or consideration for you.

Even the most casual of FB set up should involve basic manners.

Yes, I think that's the crux of it. If he wants to change the setup we've got then I'm fine with that. It's the lack of manners and doing so without discussion which has irked me.

OP posts:
Cadenza12 · 05/06/2025 10:06

He doesn't see the need to change. He's getting what he wants with the minimum effort. Maybe it's time to move on?

moose62 · 05/06/2025 10:07

I think it is time to call it a day. He is obviously cooling off and only available when he has an itch that needs scratching. So the relationship is now just benefits .....not much on the friends front.
If you are happy with that, just continue as is....but if not, call it a day and move on.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 10:13

Yes, I think that's the crux of it. If he wants to change the setup we've got then I'm fine with that. It's the lack of manners and doing so without discussion which has irked me.

I'd walk away.

Yes a good FWB, or even FB, set up is good, really good, but a lack of manners is never ok. It's disrespectful.

SummertimeFeelingFine · 05/06/2025 10:29

If you're having to tell him to have good manners and be thoughtful/respectful of you as a person, that's really not ideal is it.

On the other hand you've gone along with it the past couple of times at least so tbf to him he might think you're absolutely fine with it.

I guess you could tell him it's not working for you and see what he does. Particularly in light of stress and bereavement which can use up all emotional resources, so I think he is due some leeway. If he acknowledges that he's taken you for granted/just used you for sex, and agrees to go back to the way things used to be (and, more importantly, follows that through with action straightaway) then maybe you could make it work.

But if it were me I'd take this as a pretty clear sign that you're no longer aligned.

Gymbunny2025 · 05/06/2025 10:40

can you clarify in what way you are ok with it being casual? Because as others have said once a week sounds like a 5 year relationship to me! How was it casual? It seems that as soon as he has made steps towards more casual you’re not ok with that?

IfIDid · 05/06/2025 10:50

I wouldn’t be making compromises or taking time off work for a FWB situation, as you say you used to — were you a bit over-invested in this set-up in earlier years? I’d also never have invited a FWB to spend the night in my house. I think that’s too intimate and relationshippy. And ‘at least twice a week’ is a lot!

I suppose in some ways I’d see your set-up now as more typical of longterm FWBs. (I had two that lasted two years and three years, and ended amicably when one of us chose a relationship. I still see one of them for a drink occasionally .) But if it’s not working for you, it’s not working for you.

Original poster
SoopriseSooprise · 05/06/2025 10:52

IfIDid · 05/06/2025 10:50

I wouldn’t be making compromises or taking time off work for a FWB situation, as you say you used to — were you a bit over-invested in this set-up in earlier years? I’d also never have invited a FWB to spend the night in my house. I think that’s too intimate and relationshippy. And ‘at least twice a week’ is a lot!

I suppose in some ways I’d see your set-up now as more typical of longterm FWBs. (I had two that lasted two years and three years, and ended amicably when one of us chose a relationship. I still see one of them for a drink occasionally .) But if it’s not working for you, it’s not working for you.

I wouldn't take time off to the detriment of my work. It was more if there was not much going on and I was able to take an early finish (I'm the manager so can plan my work as I please), then I would do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoopriseSooprise · 05/06/2025 10:55

Gymbunny2025 · 05/06/2025 10:40

can you clarify in what way you are ok with it being casual? Because as others have said once a week sounds like a 5 year relationship to me! How was it casual? It seems that as soon as he has made steps towards more casual you’re not ok with that?

It has always a casual sex-only arrangement. Definitely nothing like a relationship.

I'm just a bit miffed that he's so easily cancelling plans and not bothering to communicate anymore.

As I said, we were never the texting everyday sort, but we would keep up with what was going on in each other's lives.

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 05/06/2025 11:20

He’s met someone that could potentially become a full on girlfriend. You have been relegated to Booty Call so that he can justify it to himself. But also keep the door open with you in case all falls through with the new one.

I would let this one slide.

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/06/2025 11:41

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/06/2025 08:44

I wasn’t aware people were actually friends with their FWB’s. If so, aren’t you basically looking for a normal relationship?

Sounds like you want different things

Edited

Yes, I assumed most were just shag partners. Having said that, I had one such relationship for a couple of years back in 1984-6! He lived in Wales, I in London (we knew each other as he was my ex's best friend - ex had no idea we were seeing each other after we'd split) and he'd come up and spend weekends with me. Great sex, trips out, theatre, concerts, meals - it was lovely. Ended when we both met people we wanted serious relationships with.

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/06/2025 11:43

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/06/2025 11:41

Yes, I assumed most were just shag partners. Having said that, I had one such relationship for a couple of years back in 1984-6! He lived in Wales, I in London (we knew each other as he was my ex's best friend - ex had no idea we were seeing each other after we'd split) and he'd come up and spend weekends with me. Great sex, trips out, theatre, concerts, meals - it was lovely. Ended when we both met people we wanted serious relationships with.

Show quote history

I suspect this is exactly what’s happened to the FWB here

AndOnThatTree · 05/06/2025 11:44

SoopriseSooprise · 05/06/2025 08:52

Perhaps I am expecting a bit much from him. I'm not expecting him to gaze lovingly into my eyes after we've finished. Just take 10 minutes to have a chat and catch up with what's been going on lately.

I think I'm just pissed off because he cancelled so flippantly, when I've done plenty of compromising, including taking off work early, for him in the past.

Just end it, he doesn’t sound like he even wants to be friends with you. You’re not a sex doll, it’s perfectly normal to not be ok with this anymore.

Voyager54 · 05/06/2025 12:02

After 5years I think this has run its course and time to move on OP.

To call off at 8pm suggests that there is more to it.

As a male if I was looking forward to an evening of FWB I would not call it off at such short notice.

Gymbunny2025 · 05/06/2025 13:25

SoopriseSooprise · 05/06/2025 10:55

It has always a casual sex-only arrangement. Definitely nothing like a relationship.

I'm just a bit miffed that he's so easily cancelling plans and not bothering to communicate anymore.

As I said, we were never the texting everyday sort, but we would keep up with what was going on in each other's lives.

Show quote history

To me he’s behaving in a sex only way still. I think he couldn’t be bothered meeting as he wasn’t craving sex enough (he’d had it a couple of days before?). If you want sex only plus x or y (chats etc) just tell him that’s part of the deal. If he says no then make your decision

Rainbowqueeen · 05/06/2025 13:35

It’s not working for you anymore. Just send a final text ending it.

waterrat · 05/06/2025 13:38

this is just plain old - common or garden being treated like shit op.

don't dress it up with 'benefits etc etc'