Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Do you think your post helpful in the circumstances? It is true that more men commit suicide, but to quote that in this context is not just unkind, it is dangerous.

Are you saying that the OP should welcome her DH back to the house and children in case he commits suicide? Why would anyone say that? It is EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, and if you are suggesting she fall for it, you may be putting her in danger.

Men commit suicide for all sorts of reasons, and unless you know that he majority of them will take their own lives to get away from their wives and families, then you should not be even thinking it, yet alone print it.

The posters on here are not men haters. They are concerned with this one problem, which is very serious. Nor is it uncommon. If the mind of a DH is disturbed mentally, then all the more reason to find out the cause before admitting him back into the house.

Fathers have a right to see their children - but the children have a right to know it is safe for them to do so. I believe in this case it is not safe until the OP knows all the facts.

Until then, she is perfectly justified in guarding her children and keeping them with her.

The constant references to suicide and mental illness on this thread are tedious.

Yes. We know that people commit suicide. But the fact is that this man didn’t. so any reference to such is entirely irrelevant.

People are speaking as if no man ever selfishly fucked off and left his family for another woman ever, when we know that it happens all the time, even under their wives’ noses, and that a huge number of men abandon their children, never pay maintenance, shack up with OW, and it often happens that their families and friends are complicit.

It’s as if people think the only reason why a man would up and leave his family was because of mental illness, when I think it’s safe to say that if a man up’s and leaves his family, and returns six months later with a new wardrobe and a tan, the only part of him which has been damaged is his ego when the OW has told him to fuck off.

And given the OP’s MIL has barely been in contact, I think it’s also safe to say that she was in on the whole sorry affair.

Bear in mind that the police tracked this man down and confirmed to the OP that he was safe, so clearly not any kind of breakdown, just a selfish twat.

And the OP would absolutely have a case for pushing for supervised access to his children on the basis of his being an abduction risk to them based on his previous behaviour.

if he has been in prison you can fund out by signing up to courtserve with your email address, It is super simple, as click on the court for your area with the date or dates it could gave been dealt with. it comes to something when a potential jail sentence is easier to comprehend than an affair. I suspect you won't find his name on any court list for any date though and sometimes you have to accept you'll never get the answers.it's absolutely unforgivable I really know what you're going through with that particular point but you are further along than you even realise already I myself believe wholeheartedly that my husband left for another woman and wouldn't EVER be told otherwise. he has totally removed himself from my life and I am expected to "just move on" or "think whatever I want". So I decide to think he's a cheating ba##ard and whoever she is SHE CAN HAVE HIM. it's not going to last but I have no interest in his lie of a life and am focusing on me. I actually do matter. I am sorry that went on but I thought I'd literally die from the physical pain of heartbreak and 15 hours of continuous crying multiple days a week later and I'm still here. admittedly with multiple mental health diagnosis and medication but it's strangely still progress. I truly hope you find the strength to choose you. x

Who is this addressed to please?

You responded to my post, but I cannot see a connection with my post.

If it is intended for the OP, I think she is more likely to receive your comment if you responded to one of her posts.

I'm so sorry @throwawaymum2024 this is clearly an extremely difficult situation.

He has either had a breakdown or left before he had one. Niw he's mentally stronger his assumption id things go back to normal, but sadly they can't. You know nothing nor did you cause it. He has a huge mountain to climb to gain yours and the DCs trust.

I'm not sure I could come back from this, but I do hope against the odds that he has resolved the matters that caused his behaviour and can show you all he is sorry, truly sorry, and will not harm you all again. X

OP, if you are still watching…..my thoughts. Solid points which have been made are;
Emergency Court application.
Only engage with him in writing, text, letter, via Solicitor or Childrens Services.
You decide whether he can see your children until there is a Court Order in place. He has ‘deserted’ you and the children and then suddenly reappeared which has caused you and the children double stress and upheaval. It would not be unreasonable to not facilitate him spending time with them until the children have been assessed by Childrens Services and/or CAFCASS. Contact Childrens Services and whether they are prepared to take action or not insist they open a case and note your issues.
School, tell them what is happening and ask to be informed if they attend school.
Passport Office, tell them you have their passports, they are not lost or stolen.

I hope this helps.

In the interim, it doesn’t matter why your husband went AWOL for 5 months; the key issue is he did, and left you and the children to fend for yourselves.

Speculation about his mental health or whether he was with another woman, and whether he was in contact with his friends and family is just froth. The most important issues are the children and you.

This! All the “be gentle” posters - he wasn’t exactly “gentle” when he left without any indication if he was alive or dead! He IS a prick and OP needs to hang on to her sense of self, and not take him back.

I agree and far too many people play the mental health card as an excuse for appalling behaviour.

Any updates OP? Hope you're okay.

I hope @throwawaymum2024 is okay and working out what is best for her and her children.
I cannot help but worry when OPs have some serious shit going on, and they go quiet.

I think I watch too much of the ID and A&E channels. 😳😵

Hoping you’re ok, OP.

Sorry! My mistake For some stupid reason, I got the impression she was having an ‘affair’ with one! 🤪
Oh dear! I get worse! Thanks for replying - many would have rolled their eyes and scrolled on!

It’s usually that they’ve taken the man back and don’t want to admit it

Or perhaps cannot post, or is being observed, or needs time to plan how to leave safely, or is choosing not to post until she has worked out what advice or support she may need next...

Or maybe weirded out / overwhelmed with the sheer number of people commenting on the most intimate aspects of their lives, especially when the people ask for an update.

Erm so why post on Mumsnet then?

They're allowed to change their minds eh, nobody can demand an OP back to their own post. They do not owe anybody an update or explanation.

Support, advice, understanding. Not a running commentary on how often the OP should be updating her own thread.🙄

Could be that she has consulted a solicitor and been told to be careful what she says in public.

I asked because we read these posts and become invested. I truly felt for the op and genuinely hope she's okay.

Op please come back and update your post.
whatever you’ve decided to do.
Whether for whatever reason you’ve decided to take him back then it’s nobody’s business but your own.
only you can make the decision.
Maybe something has come up thats thrown new light on the situation so that you’ve decided to give him another chance.
we’ve all made judgements about your situation and given our opinions rightly or wrongly.
We just care for you that’s all and want the best for you and your dc.
We don’t want you and your lovely dc to get hurt again.
Whatever you’ve decided to do I sincerely hope it works out. All the very best for your future.

More often than not it’s because none of it ever happened.

Not necessarily saying that here but let’s be honest, it’s not uncommon for someone to post a dramatic post, respond a few times over a couple of hours and then disappear leaving the thread to run its course.

If you want @throwawaymum2024 to report back you all need to stop posting now or the thread will fill up and she won’t be able to.

Absolutely, imagine if most mothers could just up and leave when they felt completely overwhelmed (i.e..most the time). He needs to explain where he has been and IF, and only IF you want to continue your relationship with him (children's is another matter) he can work to earn your trust back. Even then you may feel in time you still can't trust him and that's fine too. I'm so so sorry he isn't emotionally mature enough to communicate to you and his mother that he needed space for whatever reason...if that is indeed what he was doing away.

OP hasn't updated recently, but there wasn't any indication he wanted back. Her last post said he wanted to talk. Whatever that means. 🙄