Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Bloody hell op. I hope you and your children are ok x

Yes, you can change locks if you are in rental, we did it at some point - we’ve put an extra lock for safety. You just need to notify your landlord and give them a spare key.
I would do this and explain the situation so your H wouldn’t be able to get a key from the landlord. As it’s only you on the rental agreement it should be no problem.

What he did was so cruel and selfish. In a way it doesn’t matter why he’s done that and where he’s been these 5 months. It’s impossible to trust him even a little bit and he is absolutely a different person, not the one you’ve married and had children with.

Please, please as advised up thread go and see a solicitor and have divorce papers served on him while he is still around. My ex did similar disappeared in the middle of the night, only my neighbour knew he was having an affair and told me where she lived. Eventually it didn't work out with them and he too tried to come crawling back. His mother even accused me of trying to split them up! (blood is thicker than water). Leopards don't change their spots! My ex buggered off to Thailand (he is still there) and it took 3 years to get my divorce. You have already proved you can cope. I was like you my kids came 1st. I went to collage and trained in a new career and turned my life around. My now adult kids are loyal to me and don't give a dam about their father. They know it was me who provided for them not him. You will probably find that lots of other people know where he has been but wont tell you as they do not want to get involved. In my case they all came out of the woodwork after I had put in for the divorce. Ten years later I met someone who loves and appreciates me and I soon realised what an awful narcissist my ex was. Make sure you apply for CSA from your husband too. You may not benefit from it now as you are on UC but hopefully will if you get a full time job in the future. Be strong, you will survive!

You are strong and you deserve better than this loser. How could he do this to his family?

Speak to your lawyer about your rights re abandonment/desertion.

If he can do it once, he can do it again. Please don’t take him back.

I don't see how you can possibly move forward until you have a clear and verifiable account of what happened. So, I suppose, listen, verify, then decide what seems best to do next.

Were things good enough before this for you to want him back, as a father if not necessarily right now as a darling husband?

OP is very far from a doormat! Have you actually read her posts?

To be honest the level of cruelty this shows is breath taking. Your poor kids.

And to arrive back as if nothing much had happened is actually quite worrying. Sounds very much like a personality disorder if he can try and pretend nothing much has happened and expects to slot back in.

Glad he's back, at least you know where to deliver the divorce papers.

I would never let him in the house.
he is incapable of telling you where he has stayed or staying, so why should be in a home he pays zero for?

I would definitely ensure all schools, clubs know he is not allowed to pick them up.

he will certainly have a phone and has lied to you so he cannot be contacted.

his family will certainly know and have lied to you.

it took him 5 months to make contact, so personally I would refuse to talk with him. He is definitely choosing to tell you nothing and he is not anting for the chikdren.

i would keep official records of when he left, the fact zero contact - police missing person report and refusal to share where he is is evidence for court for not allowing him access to the chidkren or overnight access.

i would start a claim for finances from him through official means,

I'd be finding for backdated child support as a point of priority. And seeing a solicitor about keeping him away from my kids, or, supervised access only. He's a danger to them. He's already done untold damage and frankly he's a beast.

You'll never get a straight answer from him. And he has the cheek to be pissed you are not welcoming him back with open arms. Because that's what manipulative narcissists are like.

I hope you have a sit down family meeting with all your kids and tell them that daddy is behaviour is unacceptable and that we do not let people treat us this way. That you are sorry he has behaved like this but that none of it is their fault. That they absolutely do not owe him another chance or, forgiveness. That you won't be forgiving him but their choices are their own. And they must remember that he may continue to act in hurtful ways. That you don't know what's coming next but that you will never leave them and they can talk to you about anything, anytime.

They need to know his behaviour is not normal or to be excused. So that they don't go forwards in life feeling they have to make excuses for people who treat them badly.

Whatever he says, whatever he does, whatever he promises, he can never undo the trauma he chose to inflict. He cannot be trusted.

What a horrible situation for you and your kids, @throwawaymum2024!

I think you have every right to say to him that he has put you and the kids through hell, and that there is no way you will even consider letting him come home until you have heard the full truth about where he's been since January - no more fudging or waffling about 'a mate's place' - but the full truth. And once you are sure you have heard the full truth, you will consider whether you want to try to mend the marriage or whether he has destroyed it by his actions - and that will be YOUR decision. If he can't or won't respect that, it's over.

Oh my god what a horror! I can’t believe his mum never even gave you any money! They all sounds vile

Do you still love him
can you put your feelings aside and make a clean break

When you say 'make a clean break', do you mean split up from her husband or forget everything that he has done and let him come home?

Was he jailed?

Even if its a mental health episode, the OP can't let him into the kids lives again until she knows the extent of it, any treatment and current assessment. For their safety.

Same applies if it were drugs or with prison, or being a criminal or fucking MI5 or whatever. The "best" option is that he was just your common garden variety shagger.

Until she knows why he left, where he was and why he's turned up again, she can't make a decision about him re-entering the children's lives.

Serve him with divorce papers and protect the kids and yourself from his cruelty.

I would be pursuing a financial claim for child maintenance

I hope you mean a clean break as in divorce the bastard

If he wants to talk it can be on neutral ground not your home. Also the cynic in me feels his new gf dumped him and he needs somewhere to stay. He could have had the decency to send a text saying “ I’m safe, I just need space right now”. But he took the time and effort to make sure you were blocked on everything so not to see his life updates. He left his kids not knowing if he was alive. He was heartless and hasn’t had the decency to reach out first by text or call before just appearing on your doorstep expecting to have you all back. I’d be nervous every day waiting on him disappearing again. Be careful with your next move. Protect your kids and yourself ❤️

Waltzing off without a word, without giving a word of explanation or a clue even to his children as to where he was was enough. Leaving the police to explain is worse. But turning up 6 months later and just expecting to pick up the threads where he left off shows a level of contempt for you that is off the scale of anything I think I've read on this site - and I've read some terrible stories of what women have suffered at the hands of men.

He could have nothing to say that you'd care to hear. It's also very unlikely that you'll get the truth. You don't owe this breathtakingly awful human the time of day and he'll be very, very lucky if you even expend the time or energy on granting him an audience.

I wouldn't.

Love is not enough.

Especially when it's unreciprocated.

Don't let him see kids alone, only supervised visits. I'd be too worried he is only back long enough to get the kids and dissappear again.

How you kept yourself from slapping him, I don't know. The sheer arrogance of him is astounding!!

Tell him to bugger off back to his "mates". You don't need him ...you've proved that and I bet he's annoyed you're not on your knees begging him to never leave again...wanker! As for his mother, tell her and other "well wishers" (who will come from everywhere now hes back) absolutely nothing. If they bring up a reunion or just plain fish for gossip, change the subject. They knew .. they had too!

I hope you are OK but seriously don't give him an inch!

he could be curious to find out what if anything you have told your children. in my personal opinion I would need a sit down with him first and hopefully he will be honest with you about everything as he's not given you any reason to trust him and 6 months is long enough to completely change a person. he absolutely needs to be held accountable with an explanation you aaccept and then you should get to decide what is next. you clearly have your children's best interests at heart so don't be made to feel bad if you aren't ready for him to just re enter their lives as he's trying to. stay strong youve got this x

Also apply for full custody and supervised visits with STBEX husband. If he gets half custody or weekends etc, unsupervised, he could disappear with the kids this time.