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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

918 replies

throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 16:04

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

OP posts:
pipthomson · 04/06/2025 18:35

thepariscrimefiles · 04/06/2025 14:40

When you say 'make a clean break', do you mean split up from her husband or forget everything that he has done and let him come home?

Show quote history

Of course !

Nearly50omg · 04/06/2025 18:50

FamilyGatheringAcorn · 01/06/2025 16:12

I would be tempted to say to him

It is my turn to disappear for 4 months now & disappear !

But being a responsible woman, mother, wife, you are very unlikely to do this

I sympathise

My question would be what does he want ?
Why is he back ?

It’s June. That’s 6 MONTHS! Half a year he’s fucked off from all responsibility of being a parent and husband! I wouldn’t let him step foot in the house again! Don’t let him have access to the kids just Willy nilly either you’ve seen what it does to them

RetirementIsGreat · 04/06/2025 19:29

Trovindia · 01/06/2025 19:28

No fucking way would I forgive this. I would have divorce papers ready for him when you meet up personally. How could he do that to his children?! Selfish arsehole.

Divorce with full custody and supervised visits only. He could disappear with kids if unsupervised.

RetirementIsGreat · 04/06/2025 19:53

Lookuptotheskies · 01/06/2025 20:56

This is insane! Can't believe he thought he could just knock on the door and the kids and you would just pretend he'd popped out to the shops or something?! Madness. Is there something lacking up there, that he thinks that's an okay thing to do after walking out with no word?

3 kids wondering if he's dead. You having no practical or financial support?

Absolute tosser. I'm amazed at his audacity.

Oh and I'd bet my favourite bra that he's had an OW at least at some point. Twat.

Yep and a rich one at that. She had enough and kicked him out.

user1493379562 · 04/06/2025 20:15

BestZebbie · 02/06/2025 10:48

You need to find out about what he has been using for money as a matter of urgency as you are married, so his debts are legally also your debts. At least if you rent he can’t have remortgaged the house/released equity behind your back, but he could have new loans and cards.

When my ex cancelled a direct debit (the letter came to the marital home and I opened it) I phoned the company concerned to tell them he no longer lived here. They asked me to put that in writing. I put his mistress and his mother as forwarding address. I then took the opportunity do do the same with another direct debit he had and his credit card company. I never had any debt collectors come to my house (but his mother and mistress may have!).

mummytrex · 04/06/2025 20:32

If you're in England then even if you're married his debts are NOT automatically yours. They're only yours if you're a joint borrower (credit/loans are also in your name).

pipthomson · 04/06/2025 23:05

You may still need to go a sort of grieving process
you have had your eggs in one basket
you have proven that you are worthy of better! A clean break means putting him out of your life for good

llizzie · 04/06/2025 23:15

throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 23:35

You’re right. I can’t do this from a place of anger, but it’s hard not to be when he just gets to wander back in after everything and act like it was nothing. I don’t even know if he thinks he’s done anything wrong.

I haven’t let him back in the house. I’ve kept everything civil but distant. Haven’t even let him see the kids yet – I said not until I get the truth. Full stop. If that never comes, then he doesn’t see them. I mean that.

I’m trying to stay calm, I really am. But the idea of MIL coming round asking me to forgive him just makes me feel sick. She might already be planning it.

I’m writing everything down now – what I want, what I don’t want, what I need to protect the kids. I’m not rushing. Just trying to keep the next step small and steady.

I think you should go to a solicitor for advice. It is important, and if you are now on UC you should not have to pay for it.

Ask about making the children WARDS OF COURT so that their father cannot have access to them without their permission. It doesn't need to be permanent, but if you do not know his state of mind it is really very important.

You are suspicious about MIL. You have not let your DH have contact with them. Ask the solicitor about visits to MIL. She could be helping her son. That might not be good for you - or them.

The court will appoint them their own lawyer. If you do that, everyone will know that you have put your children above all else.

You will only get sound advice from a solicitor - find a good family solicitor who is trained in all these issues.

I wish you well, I really do. You could get a hundred different suggestions on here, all of which are helpful, but talking to a solicitor will give you a legal help.

anon666 · 04/06/2025 23:27

GiveDogBone · 03/06/2025 20:05

The man-haters are out in full force as usual.

Firstly, you cannot as some have suggested ban him seeing his own children, only a court can do that and they’d be extremely reluctant to do so. Secondly, it’s hilarious how everyone is jumping to the conclusion that he’s been in prison or had an affair (why would he keep an affair secret from his mother ffs), both extremely unlikely things he could keep secret from you, family and friends, thirdly, you can’t ban him from the marital home, he has as much rights over it as you do, of course he can agree to stay elsewhere.

Remember suicide is the leading cause of death for men under 50, not women, men. So plenty of men get to a state of mind where they leave and never come back to family and friends, ever.

Of course you should take up his offer to talk to him and find out what’s gone on and why. He obviously wasn’t thinking straight when he walked out, it wasn’t a decision he made rationally as a normal person would think of it.

If it’s too much for you to do on your own, both of you can engage with a counselling service experienced in male mental health matters. A lot of his family, not least his mother, and friends will have similar questions of course. He must know he needs to answer them in time, the fact he hasn’t explained everything straight away is not surprising.

Oh wow, the "man haters".

This guy has had every opportunity to apologise, or try to put things right. He's absolutely fine, tanned, looking healthy, calm.

If he's innocent of any wrongdoing, why does he need to lie and stonewall his wife and kids?

Meanwhile OP has been grappling with work, the children, money, all whilst dealing with the trauma of her and the kids lives being turned upside down overnight.

Anyone decent would at least leave some breadcrumbs to find out where he is or give an explanation of what has happened. To not even give that to your lived ones is staggering.

As for "man haters", I have simply referenced actual events of a real life man. I do t hate men, I've got three wonderful brothers, and amazing man for a husband, my dad was a legend. I love men. I just don't love narcissist twats like this who destroy the lives of others.

BellissimoGecko · 04/06/2025 23:42

Cherrysoup · 01/06/2025 16:10

I bet you have a thousand questions! What are your initial feelings? I think it will be tricky to keep him out of the marital home if he wants back in, thinking of the law. I hope he allows you time and space, this must be incredibly hard. Sending hugs.

Has he been paying the mortgage and all bills the last six months??

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 05/06/2025 04:10

Man haters?

This bloke abandoned his wife and family. Didn't care that he left them in the lurch. Didn't even let them know he was alive.

He's a scumbag who happens to be a man.

There are morons on this thread, that's for sure.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 05/06/2025 06:52

If you'd read the OP's posts you'd know they rent and the OP has been paying for everything and had to claim UC.

Cherishednotspoilt · 05/06/2025 06:54

This happened to a friend of mine, husband went out for cigarettes and never came home! 17 years later she is still full of questions the kids are really messed up.

So I think the best thing for you and the kids is to get an understanding of what happened and why. Otherwise you will always have questions.

My guess is he had a breakdown because he left everyone including his Mum, an affair he would have just left you.

Once you know what happened you can make an informed choice of what to do next. Its going to be a hard year for your family but perhaps slightly easier now he's returned.

Never2many · 05/06/2025 07:09

Cherishednotspoilt · 05/06/2025 06:54

This happened to a friend of mine, husband went out for cigarettes and never came home! 17 years later she is still full of questions the kids are really messed up.

So I think the best thing for you and the kids is to get an understanding of what happened and why. Otherwise you will always have questions.

My guess is he had a breakdown because he left everyone including his Mum, an affair he would have just left you.

Once you know what happened you can make an informed choice of what to do next. Its going to be a hard year for your family but perhaps slightly easier now he's returned.

Ffs can people stop saying he’s had a breakdown!

this man abandoned family without a word then swanned back six months later with all new clothes and a tan. Or do the apologists want to suggest he needed to get to the sun to work through it!

and by the absence of his mother and friends it seems clear they knew exactly where he was.

Pinkdhalia · 05/06/2025 07:28

You’ve more questions than he will answer. Sort himself out!? How weak an excuse is that? After you have had more of a struggle since he disappeared he didn’t stop to think your struggle would be more !! Treat him like a divorced partner, he can see the children supervised. He can see you but you bring the children all visits not in your home. See a solicitor to set maintenance for you and the children. Get a divorce if you feel that way.. but don’t get treated like you don’t exist again! Whose name is the property in? Who pays the rent/morgage. Now you’ve seen him get your own life organised and answer your own questions first.

YourFunnyTiger · 05/06/2025 08:02

He's had an affair and she's chucked him off. What a wanker.

Buzzingabout · 05/06/2025 08:20

its always another woman. Or maybe a man. The latter is not unusual.

TiredofTheirCrap · 05/06/2025 09:01

Regardless of his reasons for disappearing, the fact is is that he cannot be trusted. Don't let him back into your heart or your home. Visitation with the kids should be supervised, but ideally for their protection, get full custody.

BeJoyousQuail · 05/06/2025 10:02

pipthomson · 04/06/2025 23:05

You may still need to go a sort of grieving process
you have had your eggs in one basket
you have proven that you are worthy of better! A clean break means putting him out of your life for good

That is definitely word for word what I'd have said. I've just started virtual grief counselling after a gp referral. I honestly didn't expect to still feel so terrible after 6 months but I'll get there. be kind to yourself first and foremost

HardyCrow · 05/06/2025 10:53

KIlliePieMyOhMy · 01/06/2025 16:14

OP he can come back if You want him to.
He can't come back if YOU don't want him to.
It's completely up to you, and none of us.

Yes this - but I’d need very good answers from him before I’d let some so thoughtless back into the house - especially when your children are so young.

Aulddeacon · 05/06/2025 10:56

I don’t know if this helps,
I had a mental breakdown year’s ago
before and after I wasn’t acting normal I only now know that after I got better,
for me suicide seemed the most natural thing in the world as my Family and the world would be better without me.
i did try to end my life by hyperthermia please no one ask for details it was not my finest moment.
a lot of people asked how I could do that to my family and my wife got the usual advice to leave me
i stood by my wife when she was ill with her hormones until she had a hysterectomy
I’m blessed that both my wife and I got married for better or worse and in sickness and health
she stood by me and helped me recover, years on we are a happy strong family unit
what I’m trying to say if it is mental health problems you’re husband has it might be worth while helping him.
if it’s not mental illness then that’s a different ball game

HardyCrow · 05/06/2025 10:58

Pinkdhalia · 05/06/2025 07:28

You’ve more questions than he will answer. Sort himself out!? How weak an excuse is that? After you have had more of a struggle since he disappeared he didn’t stop to think your struggle would be more !! Treat him like a divorced partner, he can see the children supervised. He can see you but you bring the children all visits not in your home. See a solicitor to set maintenance for you and the children. Get a divorce if you feel that way.. but don’t get treated like you don’t exist again! Whose name is the property in? Who pays the rent/morgage. Now you’ve seen him get your own life organised and answer your own questions first.

Yes this

AgitatedGoose · 05/06/2025 11:10

Sadly I don’t think the OP is even reading these posts. I hope she’s ok and hasn’t taken this complete waste of space back but I suspect this might have happened.

KiwiDollar · 05/06/2025 12:31

No, I don’t think she’s going to post again either. I would really like to know how she is and hope she’s in the process of kicking him out of her life.

Sodthesystem · 05/06/2025 12:58

People keep saying op needs answers.

What answers do you think she's going to get from this guy?

Surely he should have had the answers prepared when he first showed back up? But instead he had vague excuses and couldn't even tell op where he was currently staying!

You'd have more luck getting answers from tarot cards than his mouth. Funnily enough, I'd actually bet my cards could at least tell me if he'd been in prison or with another woman at least.

He's never going to be honest.
And there's no answer that would reassure me he was a safe person to invest a second more of my life with, even if his reasons were forgivable and, he actually told me the truth of them.

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