DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Agree.

Just how fucking DARE he!! Manipulative prick.

Op listen to your gut, it's telling you, as it has done so far, it brought you here, so please continue,
Divorce takes anything from 6 months up wards to finalise but as other post said can be stopped at any point along the way, keep that in mind op, only saying this as leopard never changes, they just gets more cunning, the 🚩 for me is, why now, what happened with ow for him to come clean now, has he gone into detail op, are you reassured with this, ' that he came to his senses ' more about the ow is the absolute telling here op,
I truly wish you luck and happiness op 💐

@IhateSPSS totally agree- hence my post just prior to yours. I had very good reasons , mainly financial as we had few assets and at late 50s at the time I would have sentenced myself to penury and probably unemployment as we worked together - not so easy to get a rented home etc - no cash to buy, no kids at home to get priority or maintenance for etc - my decision was practical , after a lot of thought - we can’t make decisions for others only make them aware of what the consequences are likely to be-

It's a very big decision to make. I used to think it was easy, if a partner cheats then it's over, but since my EXH did that, with a man no less it's made me realise just how much I loved him. If it wasn't for him coming out too I'd probably accept him back which makes me feel a little ashamed I'm not strong like you are OP.

We're still living together,living quite separate lives, but I know I will miss him when we sell up. Not all things, but he was my best friend for almost 11 years. Even though he's been a prize twat, I know I will miss him, and that makes me feel pathetic as I don't think he cares for me like that

Your H knows your deepest fears, he knows how to play you and how you think. Of course he is telling you he will fight for custody but you know he won’t be able to cope having the DC 50/50, he will only be interested in in finding someone else to bolster his ego.
Once he knew you wanted a divorce, he was always going to be a cunt.
What you are feeling right now, is the fear of actually going through with it. You have three solicitors to choose from, you know you can’t live like this, feel the fear and do it anyway! We all fear change but staying is worse.

@IsThisLifeNow I’m so sorry - I felt a bit like that too although different situation - I was very conscious I wouldn’t want to lose H as a friend, regardless of what stupid things he had done.

My XH "called in a court psychologist and social services" to prove I was a mental alcoholic. Me, XH and DD got interviewed independently. (He paid the court for this, I believe) DD and me were terrified. (Living apart from XH - he was becoming dangerous IMO by this stage. Psychologically.)

Guess who got sole custody? Instead of 50/50, I might add.

You have to highlight the abuse infront of the DCs. Children do not lie.

It will get worse. I wasted 20 years of my life. I really want you not to do that.

And actually, I made him show me his messages - he was trying to crawl back into her good books after I told him we’d be divorcing. He even told her HE’D sorted it, and he wanted to fight for her - which is exactly what he said to me.

He looked grey ,said it was a work problem ,you made him confess and told him you had consulted solicitors.
You made him show you his messages (presumably some time after the confession and suicide threat )and you saw that he was telling OW he wanted to fight for her .
and then he cuddled you ,you laughed together and you've hit pause ???

He's done what a lot of men in this situation do - he's cracked a few jokes and made you laugh which has softened you up. Predictable pathetic prick.

My point is, the longer you leave it; the worse it will become. He will also try to alienate the DCs.

You must get cracking. It will only get worse. It is unfair, disgusting, hideous but it will not dissapear. Once you have seen it, thats it.

Spend some time thinking about what you want. He seems to think its all about what he wants out of this and if OW crooks her finger, most likely he'll be off again.

He's had it his way for some considerable time - you've kept things going at home, provided support, food, clean clothes, etc, etc, all while he's been doing what he wants with scant regard for you and the children. He's treated you like crap while he's been having his fun...why should you just slip back into that role? You have the power.

Yes, let him fight for 50/50 custody - in my experience most fathers have no idea exactly what it will entail and when the reality of what this really means hits, he'll soon backpedal.

Disclaimer: 7 years ago I was where you are right now. I spent a lot of time working out exactly what I wanted. What he wanted was up to him...he'd shown me who he was and I knew that the only person I could ever rely on was me. We are still together. It was bloody difficult getting to where we are now, but I'll never go back to the person I was.

@SedentaryCat I do agree , if you stay together in many cases you hold the cards and are in a position to see things differently - I am far harder I think , prioritise myself and friendships, no longer put them 100% first all the time

He abused you emotionally when you were at your most vulnerable after having children.

Absolutely no apology can get a sensible woman beyond that.

But he’s begging me for a chance to reconcile.

And also

and he’s admitted he’d get nasty to fight for custody.
@EmmaThompsonsTears

These two things should not be the same and this is how I know him telling you he'd get nasty to fight for the kids is manipulation. And that he's not genuine about being sorry or reconciliation.

I mean, he might want reconciliation for his own selfish reasons but no one genuinely threatens someone they truly love.

Also edited to add, the ONLY reason he's saying it to scare you and manipulate you.

I was thinking how he's not being very strategic, why would he tell you that and not keep his cards close to his chest, what an idiot.
But then I realised, he IS being strategic, because his intention is to manipulate and scare you.

I’d doubt he could push for more than 50/50 custody, of course that means no one pays any CMS. Not sure I like that he has threatened you in this situation. Maybe you should layout clearly what you’re expecting from him in terms of a 180 in his attitude to you. I’d also be tempted to confirm with the OW what has and hasn’t happened. Seems unlikely any grown man would offer to ‘fight’ for someone that they hadn’t slept with, verging on juvenile. Maybe I am being cynical. Wishing you the the best.

@PlayDoh135 and anyone else who is confused ,the telling of divorce is below .

Just when I was about to instruct Option 3 solicitor and start filling out the online form ready to file next week…I come home and he’s GREY.
Said he’s really messed up at work, he’s over promised something to someone (OW) and she’s really pissed off.
or in other words, they’ve had a massive row, so he’s crawling back. I had to really push him to get him to confess, but he did eventually. Insisted they never slept together IRL (they would’ve only had one opportunity due to the distance, but I’m still not sure I believe him) but admitted the emotional affair / wanking and that he’d got far too close to her. Absolutely shat himself when I told him I’d been seeing solicitors, and started crying and begging and saying he had nothing left and was going to kill himself.

I'm a bit confused by this bit
And actually, I made him show me his messages - he was trying to crawl back into her good books after I told him we'd be divorcing. He even told her HE'D sorted it, and he wanted to fight for her
and the timeline ;but TBH anyone going through what the OP describes is entitled not to spell things out for the confused amongst us .

Oh God, OP - he’s such a predictable bell-end, following The Script to the letter and manipulating the shit out of you. You’re likely SO diminished and hurt after his months of abuse and discovering his betrayal that part of you will welcome his declarations of sorrow/regret/love even through deep down you KNOW it’s all gaslighting bullshit.

He’s done a huge number on your sense of self and self esteem. Been there, got the T-shirt and the divorce.

My own duplicitous, amoeba of an ex-husband made a huge variety of claims in the initial aftermath of discovery, including threats to kill himself (he didn’t), that I’d lose the house (I didn’t) and that he’d “fight” for DC (he didn’t, is an EOW Disney Dad). I simply invited him to leave our family home, as there was no longer any “family”. Five years on he’s cock-lodging mistress number 2, I was much happier without him and have now have a lovely Fiancé who adores both DC and I. DC is fabulous and has a better relationship with mistress number 2 than she does with her actual father, it seems.

So things will work out just fine in the long run, but you have to navigate the difficult bits first. But you and DC are worth SO much more than anything your current husband can offer.

Yup. When I was new to Mumsnet I got myself into bother for saying "Found the t" on a post and then something similar on another thread.

The mods had sent me a warning email after the first one, but I'd registered with an email account that I rarely check, so hadn't realised until my account was locked/suspended.

I emailed Mumsnet to apologise and to explain that I hadn't seen the warning email and they were kind enough to reinstate me.

.

I wonder how he would react if OP hinted that she wanted to start socialising more and perhaps, eventually meet someone else? Maybe he'd drop his custody battle just to spite her?

OP, he's horrible. Truly horrible. Cruel, manipulative and entirely selfish.

@Cattenberg very good point. Very good point indeed.

@EmmaThompsonsTears , do you really think he'd cope with 50/50? Or is this a control tactic?

Of course he wouldnt cope.Neither would the OW.

'he’s admitted he’d get nasty to fight for custody'

that actually means he doesn't want to pay CMS

does anyone actually know a father that has custody ?

it's something they trot out often but they don't actually mean it !
it's all about money !

and abusing your emotions -
' and saying he had nothing left and was going to kill himself. '

The problem you have is that next time this happens he knows you will divorce him. So he will start preparing for that and will hide his infidelity better.

You will come home to find his bags packed, the bank account empty & he’s enrolled the kids in a school near their ‘new’ home.

Fight for your kids now, whilst he’s on the back foot not after he’s lulled you back into a false sense of security.

Lie to him if necessary, put the house on the market & move to a place nearer your job & support.